Family Guy s14e04 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Aw, man, I've been dying to see Maniac Pope 2.
The first one was awesome.
Is this one of those theaters where they bring your beef stew right to your seat? What? That's not a thing.
Sure is.
Don't get mad at me 'cause you don't know nothing fancy.
I feel like I'm being watched.
Of course you are, silly.
The Lord is always watching us.
(suspenseful music plays) May the sword be with you.
(screams) And also with you! Geez, this movie sucks.
I know, it's terrible.
(whispering): Excuse me, who had the stroganoff with the roasted potatoes? CLEVELAND: Right here.
Thank you for seeing me, Your Excellency.
Of course.
What did you say your name was, my child? Lucy.
You've been "Lucified.
" That was awful.
I know, they just redid all the same stuff from the first Maniac Pope.
Yeah, like in the first Maniac Pope, he says to Bruce, "You've been Brucified.
" Like, that's smart, right? That's a smart line.
But he did the same thing twice in this movie.
Once to Lucy and once earlier when he found that wild goose.
It's just bad writing.
Yeah, I mean, we could write a better horror movie than that.
Really? You think we could? Absolutely, I'm as creative as the first spider to spin a web.
Hey, you know how we always dreamed about having a house that comes out of our butts? Uh, what? Eh? Yeah.
Butt-house.
I found your cigarettes.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Morning, everybody.
And the crisis continues.
(chuckling): What, these? Come on.
Last thing I want is attention.
It's just that when you've read as many books as I have, it-it takes a toll, you know? You sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone? (chuckling): You know, I wouldn't be surprised if they have that now.
Brian, what do you want for breakfast? Uh, hold on.
What do I want? You're so full of it.
You don't need those things.
Wait, who said that? Oh, Stewie.
You are just horrible.
You're even worse than those people who take dumps in the shower.
What? W-Why are you cutting to me? What did somebody say? Whatever they said I do, I don't do.
All right, I got a horror movie idea.
It's called Cereal Killer.
A serial killer who only kills people who eat cereal.
Wait, what what if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65, but there are many exceptions based on genetics and diet.
That's stupid-- I ain't never heard of somebody lived to 65.
Look, I think the problem is this is a bar.
We can't get inspired here.
We have to go someplace scary, you know? To put us in the mood.
I got it: the old Quahog Asylum.
What?! We can't go there.
That place has been abandoned for years.
And they say it's haunted by a ghost with a hook-hand.
That's why it's the perfect place.
If we want to write a scary movie, we need to do it somewhere scary.
Well, I guess we could try it.
We have sort of just been spinning our wheels here.
No offense, Joe.
(sighs) I guess Cleveland's right.
So far, this has been a bigger waste of time than an acceptance speech at the Asperger's Awards.
I'd like to thank everyone I've ever met, in the order that I met them, last name first, and if anyone interrupts me, I'll have to start over.
(thunder crashes) (thunder crashes) This place is terrible.
Are you kidding? It's the perfect place to write a horror movie.
All right, well, I got an idea.
You know, I like them horror movies where you got a couple of teenagers getting busy in their car at Makeout Point, but there's a killer on the loose.
He Stacy, what do you say we go all the way tonight? And then I unload on the sun visors.
Is that all you ever think about? And besides, Richie, aren't you worried about what the man on the radio is saying right now? TOM TUCKER: Another dead teenage couple was found at Makeout Point, clawed beyond recognition.
You see? There's a dangerous creature out there.
Oh, what, you mean the big, rabid, slobbery cat what's been scratching people to death? I don't believe it exists, Stacy.
Now, help me get the right angle and lower the visor.
(cat yowls in distance) Richie, did you hear that? Will you calm down? We're the only ones out here (screams) Rrrawwwr! (screaming) (screams) Oh, my God! (screaming) (screaming) (screaming) (howls) Wait, you were the guy and the cat? And what's with that visor stuff? Did Richie achieve release? Okay, of the three of you, Cleveland's the only one who gets it.
That's an awful idea.
Well, I got one.
We should write one of them zombie movies where a guy wakes up in a comfortable cotton hospital gown with the back open so there's a nice breeze on your behind, and he's like, "This ain't bad.
" But then he notices the hospital's empty.
Nurse, I'm ready for my sponge bath.
Hmm.
What happened to this place? Everybody up and gone.
(electrical crackling) Hmm, that's annoying.
(static hissing) Maybe it's a loose filament.
(rattling) Nope, that's a busted bulb.
These are all 145s.
I need a 180.
Well, now, maybe I did need a 145.
There we go.
(pops) Damn it, I guess it's a wiring issue.
That's it? What the hell? When do the zombies show up? That's the thing.
Their shuttle was late.
I-I don't know, I-I was thinking we'd write a movie where something that's not supposed to be scary becomes scary.
Like an evil doll.
Yeah, or-or like an evil bar of soap.
Peter, I don't think that's such a good id Too late.
Oh, yeah, that's nice.
Time to wash my body with this harmless bar of soap.
(dramatic music plays) Hey, Ambassador Mumbasa, are you enjoying that new soap I bought you from that mysterious Chinese man whose store was weirdly not there the next day? Ambassador Mumbasa? Oh, my God, Ambassador Mumbasa! (dramatic music plays) (screams) Ambassador Mumbasa? Assistant Ambassador Armstrong? Everything okay up there with the bath? (screams) (gasps) I wonder if everything's okay up at the old embassy.
(wind howling, door slams) All right, maybe coming here wasn't such a great idea.
Is anybody else getting a little freaked out by all these scary stories? Yeah, even my spine is tingling.
You guys, I'm scared.
You remember that movie, The Blob? What if the Blob? Let's get out of here.
Aw, damn it, it's locked! Oh, my God, somebody must have locked us in.
We're gonna die in here! (female screams) Sorry, guys, somebody e-mailed me a video of a sheep screaming.
(screams) It was him.
It was the hook-handed killer.
He locked us in! All the windows have bars on 'em.
I think the only way out of here is through this duct system.
Guys, do the words "dead by dawn" scrawled in feces over there mean we're in trouble? Did you do it? I did.
Then no.
Still sticking with the glasses, huh? What? Oh, right.
Right, I have glasses.
They're such a part of me now, I-I forgot all about 'em.
You're gross.
You know, it's funny, I-I've gotten an awful lot of writing done You're a writer? (Stewie groans) I-I like to consider myself an observer.
(chuckles) You have nice breasts, for instance.
(chuckles) You want to join me? Guy with glasses can't be all bad.
Thanks.
Boy, it's loud in here, huh? Wh-When they said "Professor Griffin," I barely heard them.
That's it, I'm putting an end to this.
I'm gonna destroy those glasses if it's the last thing I do.
You should really check out the Thanksgiving jazz CD they sell here.
(screaming) Where the hell are we? (footsteps echo) I heard something.
Is is someone else here? Oh, my God, it's Hook-hand! He's coming for us! Damn it, why can't I get any reception? Because we're in a basement in the middle of nowhere.
Besides, if cell phones worked, every movie would be two minutes long.
Like An Affair to Remember.
(tires screeching) Darling, I was running to the Empire State Building to see you, but I got hit by a car.
No wonder you were late.
I'll be right down.
Are you okay? I think I may be paralyzed.
I'm sorry, there's nobody here by that name.
(beeps) Wow, Stewie, thanks for taking me to the spa.
Hey, you deserve it, buddy.
So just relax, take your glasses off, take a nice, dry sauna-- no glasses in the sauna-- just leave those puppies in the locker.
They'll be safe out here.
Sounds good.
(quietly): Come on, Chris.
Don't let me down.
CHRIS: Don't worry, Stewie.
Chris! What are you doing in here? I did it.
I locked us in the sauna! You what?! Yep, it's all set.
It's turned up high, and nobody is coming for the whole weekend.
(pounding) (gasping, panting) Boy, you guys sure look steamed.
ANNOUNCER: This Family Guy joke was written by Jimmy Sullivan, age nine, of Decatur, Georgia.
Thanks, Jimmy! And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.
(water dripping) (footsteps approaching) Those footsteps are getting closer.
Those aren't footsteps.
It's an old building.
Just relax.
Besides, I can see an exit door right there.
Where? Right there.
Behind that guy with the hook-- (terrified screaming) (screaming) Everybody run! (Joe screaming) (thunder crashes) (screams) Wait a minute.
There's four of us, and one of him.
Yeah, let's get him! (yelling) Son of a bitch! Take that! Die, Hook-hand! You won't kill us! Um, Hook-hand's name is Albert, and he's dressed like a janitor.
(groans) I've been trying to help you.
I'm the caretaker here.
Wait, you work here? But you have a hook hand.
I was a soldier.
I lost my hand saving six men in Korea.
Oh, God, he's a war hero.
(exhales) He's dead.
What have we done? We killed an innocent man.
Well, if this doesn't justify a McFlurry, nothing does.
Oh, my God, we killed an innocent man.
We-we've got to report this! We gotta turn ourselves in! No way.
If we do that, we'll all go to jail.
And I'm a cop.
Do you know what they do to cops in jail? Hey, man? When you were a cop, did they-- did they let you use the siren? Yeah, it's part of the job.
That's so cool! Hey, hey, when you were a cop, when you were going to a crime scene, did you go "chung Chung," like Law & Order? No, that would be very unprofessional.
All right, all right.
Oh, hey, check it out, man, when you were a cop, did you ever, you know, use your handcuffs when you were getting kinky with your girl? No, it's city property, so you're not really supposed to take those home.
Oh, for sure, for sure.
Oh, hey, by the way, a bunch of us are gonna kill you in the shower later.
Okay, so we're all on the same page, right? We bury the body, we never speak of this again.
Deal.
- Got it.
Yup.
Wow, that was exhausting.
Wait a minute, is-is that-- is that his car? (car alarm wailing) Aw, crap, it's still alive! It does not feel like a Wednesday.
Peter, I'm glad you're up.
I need to talk to you about something.
I know what you did last night.
You do? How could you do something so heinous? Last night, you left your dirty dishes in the sink.
It's disgusting.
So I did half, and I left the other half for you.
Ah, forget it.
You'll just do it wrong.
I'll wash 'em myself.
Why don't you just go in the other room and relax? I'll call you when breakfast is ready.
Okay.
LOIS: Oh, my God, Peter, come look at the newspaper! "Janitor dead.
" (gasps) What? No! Right here.
My college roommate, Jan Itter.
She passed away yesterday.
Are-are we really doin' this? 'Cause I didn't get, like, any sleep last night.
What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, y-you're right, you're right.
LOIS: You and the guys killed and buried a man?! Ah, I knew you'd find out! Find out what? I just got David Sedaris' new book, You and the Guys Killed and Buried a Man.
Okay, I am really on edge and this thing we're doin', I'm not happy about it, and that's a very odd title for a humorist's book.
Peter, you're acting very weird.
Just go in the other room.
I don't want to go in the other room, I want to stay here and see what you're seeing, because you're saying things that I think are somethin' totally different than what they are.
Peter, you're gonna have a heart attack.
I won't say anything, I'll let you relax.
LOIS: "They found a body of a war hero down by the old asylum!" Okay, that has to be something.
(song playing on radio) Oh, sorry, Peter, I'm just singing along with this old John Mellencamp song.
They went up there to write a movie Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe Killed the old janitor war hero Just why, we'll never know I don't remember this one.
Guess it's never been in a car commercial.
In a truck that's built Dodge Tough! Oh, yeah, no, I know this one.
(whistling) Hey, Bri? Yeah? Aah! Damn it! Aah! There's glass in my eye! Oh! Son of a bitch! Aah! Mom says dinner's at 6:00.
She wanted me to tell people, I don't know why.
(groaning) Guys, I'm kind of freaking out about killing that guy.
Anybody else have a hard time sleeping? No, but there's an old John Mellencamp song you're not gonna (bleep) believe.
Wait, w-what's all this stuff about you guys killing someone? Last night, at the asylum.
We killed that war hero.
Whoa, whoa, what?! You-you really killed someone? Holy moly, I don't think I want to hear this.
Quagmire, you were there with us.
You're so weird.
Last night, I was in St.
Louis.
I even have a picture.
See that? That's yesterday's date on that newspaper.
On The Quahog Informant? They sell The Quahog Informant in St.
Louis? Well, probably, but good luck with that whole "you three and not me killed a guy" thing.
Damn it, that bastard is bailing on us.
He's a worse accomplice than Johnny Wind Chimes.
(chimes chiming) Hey! Shh! (loudly): Sorry! It's my chimes.
I hate to frame you like this, Quagmire, but I gotta.
I can't go to jail! They'll razz me good on account of my belly.
Cleveland? What are you doing here? What are you both doing here? Joe? What the hell? QUAGMIRE: You backstabbers.
What the hell's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.
Cleveland's tryin' to frame me.
He's got my miniature portraits of cool guys.
Peter, those are baseball cards.
Whatever.
He's using it to frame me for murder! Well, I'm not the only one.
Joe's got my Sports Illustrated football phone.
He was using this as his main phone.
It is a mess over there.
Look at all you pathetic people, bringing stuff to frame each other.
You're supposed to be friends.
Hey, that's my shovel! Damn right! That's how smart I am, I only had to bring one thing! This way I can dig the hole and just throw this in! But once you throw it in there, how you gonna get the dirt back on top? Give me your shovel! You're gonna have to kill me first! Not with my shovel! That's brand-new! Give me back my rattle-y plastic phone! Wait, wait, wait, guys! Guys! What? Don't you see? This! This is our horror movie! (thunder crashes) It doesn't feel like a Wednesday.
Boy, that sucked.
Yeah, I guess writing a movie isn't as easy as Joseph Gordon-Levitt makes it look.
Hey, at least we gave it a shot.
I just feel bad we killed an innocent man.
Well, don't feel too bad.
Look at that! Oh, my God! Wow, that's a relief! We may have actually made this town a better place.
Yeah, what a monster.
But at least now he's gone forever.