Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e04 Episode Script
The Self-Propelled Salad Strainer
Every time I come up here the spirit soars! You can't help thinking what a wonderful place it would be to set up a machine-gun! A small squad of hand-picked men could defend this indefinitely.
How long have you been a nature-lover, Foggy? Years.
I mean, look at it - it's beautiful! I could stay here all day.
Hands up anybody who's going to lend me a few bob! I thought you could stay here all day? Oh, she leads him a dance.
Mmm, he buys her beautiful shoes.
She always has beautiful shoes.
It's where she goes in 'em! Their Kath's different.
She's a good, plain, sensible woman, their Kath.
She doesn't wear beautiful shoes! 'Ey up! Ooohthem legs! Don't you be talking about my legs! He always talks about my legs! It's very embarrassing.
For ME ! She's my bird and look at her legs! She's your bird - YOU look at them! I've got to ask you something.
Keep away! I lie in bed at night, trying to figure it out.
What!? I've got to know, Nora! Are these stockings left-hand or right-hand thread? Get off! Get off! I see nobody about! They're never going to recognise us, anyway! We shouldn't really be seen in broad daylight together.
You call this being seen (?) It's just an idea I had while watching an old spy movie.
You used to have better ideas.
You've been watching the wrong movies, Howard! Sssh! No names! In a spy film they never use names.
What you could do is call me X-22.
That's simpler.
Ooh! OOOH ! Ho-ho-ho! Aaaargh! Hey, hey, hey! .
.
How do, Howard? I can't understand anyone jogging, when, for a little extra effort, they can chase Nora Batty.
What worries me is what you would do if you caught her.
I have plans for any event! I'm standing here waiting for somebody to order something! Now, are we going to do business or are you just passing through? I'll order! Two teas, please, Ivy.
Two!? Aye, for my two dear comrades here.
But they'll have to pay for them! I'm skint! Aww! Aww! All right, we get the message.
You don't have to turn yourself inside out! On second thoughts, that might be better! .
.
Oh, here! Don't slurp it like you usually do! I can never get used to that sound.
It makes me think something is terribly wrong with my plumbing! Tha's a good lass! I suppose you threw your money away on horses! Yes, he has.
Always the horses.
The wrong horses! His ferret's faster! I don't throw my money away.
I have a system! Oh, what? I lose it slowly! I suppose that's some consolation.
It is.
Any nit can throw it away! What do you intend to do about this lack of money? I'm working on it.
That'll be the day! How are you doing that? Well I've got to pick better horses! Well, theoretically, Foggy, that sounds like a good idea.
The man's an idiot! Theoretically, that sounds accurate, too! What's on your tiny mind, then? It seems to be under great strain.
Sssh! I'm thinking.
Well, yes, that could do it.
Thinking can ruin your health, which, of course, is why people turn to politics instead.
I'm trying to remember if anybody owes me money.
People owe YOU money (!) Can you believe that? That some people are so financially shaky that they borrow from him? Listen, Phyllis, it's not unknown for me to lend someone a few bob.
He's just like Paul Getty.
The money rolls in and they start giving donations to charity! I've not lent a lot.
Nobody is desperate enough to owe him money! Listen, Gallop Gob, I've lent people money! Who? Go on, tell me.
I'm thinking Not in those trousers! They can't take any more strain.
You can see where his ferrets have made a few deposits! Is that it? Three old coins and a bent beer can? That's all? Did you expect an open cheque? I've heard of the song "Three Coins In The Fountain", but you CAN throw more! Maybe it was Yorkshire cricketers who tried to throw and missed! Stand back.
You want it a bit more to the left.
And if anybody comes, I'm not with you! Whatwhat have you caught? It's not much.
Aaah! A penny (!) A rubbishy old penny! For your first try, that's good! I thought you'd get the beer can.
How far'll I get with an old penny? You got fairly far with old Penny Butterworth at school.
That wouldn't even fit into a slot machine! Oh, did you make a wish? You fool! That coin could be worth more now than it was originally! There's inflation, you know.
Old coins increase in value.
Collectors pay good money for them.
What'll it be? What do I get for that? Thrown out! Not again.
I'll buy three pints.
You shouldn't encourage him.
Oh, yes, you should! It's inflation.
These old coins could be worth a lot more now.
Take Captain Kidd and his buried treasure, find a quiet corner, sit him down and make him behave! Listen! If How do, Ely? Hello, lads! I see you've had the bug.
There's a lot of it about.
CHEERING Biff Hemingway! By heck! That's the way to travel! What were you doing, shouting out and embarrassing people? Biff Hemingway! I told you somebody owed me money.
Who? Who? Who's Biff Hemingway !? You must know Biff Hemingway! I've never heard of him.
Rubbish! Oh, THAT Biff Hemingway! Norman knows him! Not really.
I've got a photo here somewhere.
Not holiday snaps? I hate it when I'm shown holiday snaps.
A photo of Biff Hemingway! You'll recognise him, all right.
Describe him.
Short trousers, big boots, smokes a clay pipe.
I'd remember a man like that.
He weren't a man! It were at school.
Well, what does he look like now? I don't know! You haven't seen him since school? No! How come he owes you money? He pinched it! A shilling! He used to bully all the kids.
He'd pinch their school dinner money and their sweets, you know.
I remember him now! I think he owes ME a shilling! And a quarter of mint imperials! Wasn't he always torturing someone behind the bike sheds? Yeahthat was me.
Of course, that was before I became a trained killer! So where does he live now? Same place.
Oh! Do you think it's worth it just for a shilling? Listen, it were a shilling then, but what's it worth now after all these years of interest? It could be a couple of quid! He owes me a couple of quid! Suppose you find him and he still turns out to be a big bully with a tendency to wave his fist under your nose? What then? So what? We've got him - trained in silent killing.
But sworn to use it only for the protection of women and tiny tots.
Listen, if we find Biff Hemingway, I am definitely a tiny tot! Me, too! Come on, Foggy! You can handle him.
Think it over.
You can get your own back for all that torture.
Mrs Lazenby was lucky at the bingo.
Lucky! If she fell off the roof she'd land in bed! And we all know whose! Whose? Drink your tea! Somebody else who wears fancy shoes! I like nice shoes! Well, you shouldn't! Marina wears nice shoes.
Well, she does.
You weren't raised to consort with people like Marina! We just pass in the street occasionally.
Anyway, she seems to have settled down with a person in a long raincoat.
I don't know what they're doing to this tea! I see they've got planning permission for the new extension.
I've got that new recipe.
FRANTIC CHATTER Long raincoat? A short person? Yes, and dark glasses.
- Sssh! - Is it someone you know? I'll give him long raincoat! He swore blind the forecast said thundery showers! I'll give him thundery showers! Are you sure you know where he lives? Aye.
Oh (!) I remember it quite clearly, because I used to cross the road before I passed the house.
In case Biff came out to bite you.
I remember.
There should have been a sign - Beware of the lad! What'll you do when you get there? Ask him for me money! I think your first idea was better.
Keep crossing the road! I think we should carry out a reconnaissance first.
Give over! I'm gonna hammer on his door and if he gets nasty I'll hand him over to thee! To me? We turn right here and that's Deacon Street.
That's not Deacon Street! Not the Deacon Street I remember! It was full of drunks and people in flat caps! And the men were no better.
No! That were our street! Oh, well, that's it.
They've pulled the old one down and rebuilt.
End of story.
No Biff Hemingway.
It's a pity.
I was looking forward to tangling with that old bully.
Oh, well, then.
Off we go.
Hang on a second.
Let's make a few enquiries.
Ahem! You gave me a nasty startle! Have you been here long? About half an hour.
Have you lived here long? Know any Hemingways? No, never.
Except Ernest, wrote books.
Not him.
- What does he want? - Hemingway.
- Well, get rid of him! How? It's all right giving instructions! You don't usually speak to me like that! Aaw! If you need a shoulder to cry on We've got no Hemingways! Come away before you break up someone's happy home! I told you - no Biff Hemingway! We could go to the police, look in the Electoral Register and see if there are still anyHemingways.
Police station!? It would make a change for him to go voluntarily to the police.
Come on! They won't keep you in.
They did the last time! You'll be all right.
You're under proper supervision.
SHOP !! What's this shouting? It's not a grog shop! No, as a matter of fact Well, it wasn't me.
I wouldn't.
Ask this man Ask this man here.
We told him - don't shout.
Didn't we? Haven't seen you for a while.
How's the ferrets? Retired.
Good.
Well, what can we do for you? Ask him.
Brought your lawyer, eh? No, no.
It's just that we were passing and weer He wants to see the Electoral Register.
Does he? Not if it's too much trouble.
We know how busy you must be.
We can leave it and not bother It's a democratic right.
Three cheers for me democratic rights! He never seemed to be much for tailoring at school.
True.
He was more your average scruff.
An above average scruff! He put a few creases in people's skulls, but that was about all.
Maybe he's changed.
People do change as they get older.
Look at Nora Batty.
She used to be quite miserable.
I think we should call it off.
It's a waste of time.
If he can afford to run a shop like this, he can afford to give me my money back! A little demon in the pursuit of justice when he's roused! BELL RINGS My God! You've got in here just in time.
If anybody was ever in need of emergency tailoring, it's you! I like a challenge, but ye gods! I haven't come for a suit.
You're right.
Very wise.
We'll start with something simple.
A sports jacket and trousers.
We'll work up to a suit gradually or it'll be too big a shock to the system.
Not big enough.
Wrong shape.
Tha's the wrong Hemingway.
I never thought of myself like that.
They sit cross-legged a lot.
That could change a person.
It's not him.
Had it been the right Hemingway, my hands would be at his throat.
I bet you were never called Biff at school.
Biff !? In needlework? There's only one more left.
What initial? K.
For Killer! That could be him.
I think it's a waste of time! Time I've got.
It's money I'm short of.
Killer Hemingway.
Sounds like him.
I've got this picture of a broken nose and cauliflower ears.
Probably yours, Foggy! He'll probably refuse to pay you.
That's where you step in! He starts getting stroppy, you put the frighteners on him! I only use my skills in defence of the weak and afflicted.
Me! You're idle.
It's an affliction! Yeah.
Don't encourage him! It's got to be him! He's the last Hemingway! This is more like it - lots of broken things lying about.
That was always Biff's style.
He used to stand on your face! Oh, dear There doesn't seem to be anyone at home.
Off we go, then.
We haven't come all this way to turn back! Go on! Get out! Out! He had this thing he did to your ear - it was called "tearing it off"! We're going in.
After thee.
It's your money.
YOU lead the way.
You're the leader of men! Yes, it's true.
Yes, you can't fight your destiny.
I always knew I was meant to fall in battle.
Someone has to.
Any last instructions? Bog off! Do you want it on a headstone or just in the form of a wreath? A BOTTLE SMASHES LOUD ARGUING INDOORS We can't intrude on a private row! Let's just get the money before she kills him! WOMAN: Get out! Get out! What do you want? Ask him.
Tell him.
YOU tell him! Tell him what? Is it him? It could be him.
Trouble? I must warn you Oh, yes? Ask if he had a nickname in school.
Did you? You've come looking for trouble! Who is it? Three twits! It's two twits and a friend! Chase them! They're nimble for their age! He was too young! He couldn't be Biff Hemingway.
He could have been the son of Biff Hemingway! His missus sounded nastier than him! Well, he came within inches of a severe beating! Ours! He's the kind of bloke who wastes a lot of wire! It was a bit of an anti-climax.
You know, when you've been psyched-up for Biff Hemingway.
Lucky for him you didn't find him.
Absolutely.
Mind you, I'd probably have gone easy on him.
That's nice.
I'm not a vindictive person.
You're a pussycat! Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Where is he? He's hiding! He's planning to jump out at me! I like to know where he is.
Here I am! Oh! Get out of it! Go on! BBC 1991
How long have you been a nature-lover, Foggy? Years.
I mean, look at it - it's beautiful! I could stay here all day.
Hands up anybody who's going to lend me a few bob! I thought you could stay here all day? Oh, she leads him a dance.
Mmm, he buys her beautiful shoes.
She always has beautiful shoes.
It's where she goes in 'em! Their Kath's different.
She's a good, plain, sensible woman, their Kath.
She doesn't wear beautiful shoes! 'Ey up! Ooohthem legs! Don't you be talking about my legs! He always talks about my legs! It's very embarrassing.
For ME ! She's my bird and look at her legs! She's your bird - YOU look at them! I've got to ask you something.
Keep away! I lie in bed at night, trying to figure it out.
What!? I've got to know, Nora! Are these stockings left-hand or right-hand thread? Get off! Get off! I see nobody about! They're never going to recognise us, anyway! We shouldn't really be seen in broad daylight together.
You call this being seen (?) It's just an idea I had while watching an old spy movie.
You used to have better ideas.
You've been watching the wrong movies, Howard! Sssh! No names! In a spy film they never use names.
What you could do is call me X-22.
That's simpler.
Ooh! OOOH ! Ho-ho-ho! Aaaargh! Hey, hey, hey! .
.
How do, Howard? I can't understand anyone jogging, when, for a little extra effort, they can chase Nora Batty.
What worries me is what you would do if you caught her.
I have plans for any event! I'm standing here waiting for somebody to order something! Now, are we going to do business or are you just passing through? I'll order! Two teas, please, Ivy.
Two!? Aye, for my two dear comrades here.
But they'll have to pay for them! I'm skint! Aww! Aww! All right, we get the message.
You don't have to turn yourself inside out! On second thoughts, that might be better! .
.
Oh, here! Don't slurp it like you usually do! I can never get used to that sound.
It makes me think something is terribly wrong with my plumbing! Tha's a good lass! I suppose you threw your money away on horses! Yes, he has.
Always the horses.
The wrong horses! His ferret's faster! I don't throw my money away.
I have a system! Oh, what? I lose it slowly! I suppose that's some consolation.
It is.
Any nit can throw it away! What do you intend to do about this lack of money? I'm working on it.
That'll be the day! How are you doing that? Well I've got to pick better horses! Well, theoretically, Foggy, that sounds like a good idea.
The man's an idiot! Theoretically, that sounds accurate, too! What's on your tiny mind, then? It seems to be under great strain.
Sssh! I'm thinking.
Well, yes, that could do it.
Thinking can ruin your health, which, of course, is why people turn to politics instead.
I'm trying to remember if anybody owes me money.
People owe YOU money (!) Can you believe that? That some people are so financially shaky that they borrow from him? Listen, Phyllis, it's not unknown for me to lend someone a few bob.
He's just like Paul Getty.
The money rolls in and they start giving donations to charity! I've not lent a lot.
Nobody is desperate enough to owe him money! Listen, Gallop Gob, I've lent people money! Who? Go on, tell me.
I'm thinking Not in those trousers! They can't take any more strain.
You can see where his ferrets have made a few deposits! Is that it? Three old coins and a bent beer can? That's all? Did you expect an open cheque? I've heard of the song "Three Coins In The Fountain", but you CAN throw more! Maybe it was Yorkshire cricketers who tried to throw and missed! Stand back.
You want it a bit more to the left.
And if anybody comes, I'm not with you! Whatwhat have you caught? It's not much.
Aaah! A penny (!) A rubbishy old penny! For your first try, that's good! I thought you'd get the beer can.
How far'll I get with an old penny? You got fairly far with old Penny Butterworth at school.
That wouldn't even fit into a slot machine! Oh, did you make a wish? You fool! That coin could be worth more now than it was originally! There's inflation, you know.
Old coins increase in value.
Collectors pay good money for them.
What'll it be? What do I get for that? Thrown out! Not again.
I'll buy three pints.
You shouldn't encourage him.
Oh, yes, you should! It's inflation.
These old coins could be worth a lot more now.
Take Captain Kidd and his buried treasure, find a quiet corner, sit him down and make him behave! Listen! If How do, Ely? Hello, lads! I see you've had the bug.
There's a lot of it about.
CHEERING Biff Hemingway! By heck! That's the way to travel! What were you doing, shouting out and embarrassing people? Biff Hemingway! I told you somebody owed me money.
Who? Who? Who's Biff Hemingway !? You must know Biff Hemingway! I've never heard of him.
Rubbish! Oh, THAT Biff Hemingway! Norman knows him! Not really.
I've got a photo here somewhere.
Not holiday snaps? I hate it when I'm shown holiday snaps.
A photo of Biff Hemingway! You'll recognise him, all right.
Describe him.
Short trousers, big boots, smokes a clay pipe.
I'd remember a man like that.
He weren't a man! It were at school.
Well, what does he look like now? I don't know! You haven't seen him since school? No! How come he owes you money? He pinched it! A shilling! He used to bully all the kids.
He'd pinch their school dinner money and their sweets, you know.
I remember him now! I think he owes ME a shilling! And a quarter of mint imperials! Wasn't he always torturing someone behind the bike sheds? Yeahthat was me.
Of course, that was before I became a trained killer! So where does he live now? Same place.
Oh! Do you think it's worth it just for a shilling? Listen, it were a shilling then, but what's it worth now after all these years of interest? It could be a couple of quid! He owes me a couple of quid! Suppose you find him and he still turns out to be a big bully with a tendency to wave his fist under your nose? What then? So what? We've got him - trained in silent killing.
But sworn to use it only for the protection of women and tiny tots.
Listen, if we find Biff Hemingway, I am definitely a tiny tot! Me, too! Come on, Foggy! You can handle him.
Think it over.
You can get your own back for all that torture.
Mrs Lazenby was lucky at the bingo.
Lucky! If she fell off the roof she'd land in bed! And we all know whose! Whose? Drink your tea! Somebody else who wears fancy shoes! I like nice shoes! Well, you shouldn't! Marina wears nice shoes.
Well, she does.
You weren't raised to consort with people like Marina! We just pass in the street occasionally.
Anyway, she seems to have settled down with a person in a long raincoat.
I don't know what they're doing to this tea! I see they've got planning permission for the new extension.
I've got that new recipe.
FRANTIC CHATTER Long raincoat? A short person? Yes, and dark glasses.
- Sssh! - Is it someone you know? I'll give him long raincoat! He swore blind the forecast said thundery showers! I'll give him thundery showers! Are you sure you know where he lives? Aye.
Oh (!) I remember it quite clearly, because I used to cross the road before I passed the house.
In case Biff came out to bite you.
I remember.
There should have been a sign - Beware of the lad! What'll you do when you get there? Ask him for me money! I think your first idea was better.
Keep crossing the road! I think we should carry out a reconnaissance first.
Give over! I'm gonna hammer on his door and if he gets nasty I'll hand him over to thee! To me? We turn right here and that's Deacon Street.
That's not Deacon Street! Not the Deacon Street I remember! It was full of drunks and people in flat caps! And the men were no better.
No! That were our street! Oh, well, that's it.
They've pulled the old one down and rebuilt.
End of story.
No Biff Hemingway.
It's a pity.
I was looking forward to tangling with that old bully.
Oh, well, then.
Off we go.
Hang on a second.
Let's make a few enquiries.
Ahem! You gave me a nasty startle! Have you been here long? About half an hour.
Have you lived here long? Know any Hemingways? No, never.
Except Ernest, wrote books.
Not him.
- What does he want? - Hemingway.
- Well, get rid of him! How? It's all right giving instructions! You don't usually speak to me like that! Aaw! If you need a shoulder to cry on We've got no Hemingways! Come away before you break up someone's happy home! I told you - no Biff Hemingway! We could go to the police, look in the Electoral Register and see if there are still anyHemingways.
Police station!? It would make a change for him to go voluntarily to the police.
Come on! They won't keep you in.
They did the last time! You'll be all right.
You're under proper supervision.
SHOP !! What's this shouting? It's not a grog shop! No, as a matter of fact Well, it wasn't me.
I wouldn't.
Ask this man Ask this man here.
We told him - don't shout.
Didn't we? Haven't seen you for a while.
How's the ferrets? Retired.
Good.
Well, what can we do for you? Ask him.
Brought your lawyer, eh? No, no.
It's just that we were passing and weer He wants to see the Electoral Register.
Does he? Not if it's too much trouble.
We know how busy you must be.
We can leave it and not bother It's a democratic right.
Three cheers for me democratic rights! He never seemed to be much for tailoring at school.
True.
He was more your average scruff.
An above average scruff! He put a few creases in people's skulls, but that was about all.
Maybe he's changed.
People do change as they get older.
Look at Nora Batty.
She used to be quite miserable.
I think we should call it off.
It's a waste of time.
If he can afford to run a shop like this, he can afford to give me my money back! A little demon in the pursuit of justice when he's roused! BELL RINGS My God! You've got in here just in time.
If anybody was ever in need of emergency tailoring, it's you! I like a challenge, but ye gods! I haven't come for a suit.
You're right.
Very wise.
We'll start with something simple.
A sports jacket and trousers.
We'll work up to a suit gradually or it'll be too big a shock to the system.
Not big enough.
Wrong shape.
Tha's the wrong Hemingway.
I never thought of myself like that.
They sit cross-legged a lot.
That could change a person.
It's not him.
Had it been the right Hemingway, my hands would be at his throat.
I bet you were never called Biff at school.
Biff !? In needlework? There's only one more left.
What initial? K.
For Killer! That could be him.
I think it's a waste of time! Time I've got.
It's money I'm short of.
Killer Hemingway.
Sounds like him.
I've got this picture of a broken nose and cauliflower ears.
Probably yours, Foggy! He'll probably refuse to pay you.
That's where you step in! He starts getting stroppy, you put the frighteners on him! I only use my skills in defence of the weak and afflicted.
Me! You're idle.
It's an affliction! Yeah.
Don't encourage him! It's got to be him! He's the last Hemingway! This is more like it - lots of broken things lying about.
That was always Biff's style.
He used to stand on your face! Oh, dear There doesn't seem to be anyone at home.
Off we go, then.
We haven't come all this way to turn back! Go on! Get out! Out! He had this thing he did to your ear - it was called "tearing it off"! We're going in.
After thee.
It's your money.
YOU lead the way.
You're the leader of men! Yes, it's true.
Yes, you can't fight your destiny.
I always knew I was meant to fall in battle.
Someone has to.
Any last instructions? Bog off! Do you want it on a headstone or just in the form of a wreath? A BOTTLE SMASHES LOUD ARGUING INDOORS We can't intrude on a private row! Let's just get the money before she kills him! WOMAN: Get out! Get out! What do you want? Ask him.
Tell him.
YOU tell him! Tell him what? Is it him? It could be him.
Trouble? I must warn you Oh, yes? Ask if he had a nickname in school.
Did you? You've come looking for trouble! Who is it? Three twits! It's two twits and a friend! Chase them! They're nimble for their age! He was too young! He couldn't be Biff Hemingway.
He could have been the son of Biff Hemingway! His missus sounded nastier than him! Well, he came within inches of a severe beating! Ours! He's the kind of bloke who wastes a lot of wire! It was a bit of an anti-climax.
You know, when you've been psyched-up for Biff Hemingway.
Lucky for him you didn't find him.
Absolutely.
Mind you, I'd probably have gone easy on him.
That's nice.
I'm not a vindictive person.
You're a pussycat! Well, I wouldn't go that far.
Where is he? He's hiding! He's planning to jump out at me! I like to know where he is.
Here I am! Oh! Get out of it! Go on! BBC 1991