Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e06 Episode Script
Happy Birthday, Howard
Coo-ee! Norman! Over here, Norman.
Your friendly female person.
Marina! Norman Clegg with the green fingers.
What a touch with growing things.
I think I hear my kettle boiling.
Doesn't surprise me for a minute.
Come here, Norman.
Come closer.
I need a favour.
STRANGLED SOUNDS FROM CLEGG It's been a long time, Norman Clegg, since we were as close as this.
You're blushing.
I'm choking.
Okay, enough is enough.
I give up.
I'm here.
Take me.
# All of me Why not take all of me? # You want locking up.
That's an idea.
Your place.
Throw away the key.
You'll never get invited into my house.
Never? NEVER ! Even if I have a shave? NEVER ! Tha's missin' a golden opportunity.
Tha wants to grab me whilst I'm up to British Standards.
Do it for me, Norman.
For old times' sake.
What old times? I was always too young for old times.
By the time I was old enough for old times they'd gone.
I'd be ever so grateful, Norman.
It's a birthday present for Howard.
And I want YOU to sneak it to him when Pearl's not looking.
When is Pearl ever not looking? Right, I'll just have to keep on kissing you till you do it.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
Couldn't you have got something smaller? Like a bungalow.
It's something he's always wanted.
Something cuddly.
Has to be admitted.
First-class bit of rope is this.
Always used to carry a bit of rope.
World War II I'm speaking of.
In the jungle.
Once you'd taken your Jap alive, a couple of half-hitches and a sheepshank and he was yours.
This could tell a few stories.
In Japanese, of course.
Well, it's Japanese rope.
That surprises you, doesn't it? You're wondering what I'm doing with it.
Well, I'll tell you.
The little beggars had captured me.
Tied me up with this very rope.
They were interrogating me.
The usual unpleasant little tricks, trying to force out of me the details of the Allied plans.
But don't worry.
I stuck it out.
It's what we were trained for.
Not everyone, of course.
Just a few of the tougher ones.
I tell you what You tie my wrists behind my back, and I will demonstrate to you how I gave them the slip.
Tie your wrists? Here? Yes.
I'll be out in a jiffy.
Don't worry about it.
That's it.
Tighter than that.
Pretend you're a Jap and I'm all that stands between you and the conquest of India.
Oh, oh! That's right.
Good and tight.
Know what she said? "Tha'll never be invited into my house.
Never.
" Don't tell me.
I've got me own troubles.
What a thing to say.
What a thing to say.
And me her next-door lover.
You're not her lover.
Only because of a technical hitch.
She keeps hitting you with a brush.
That's the one.
Anyway, I've got enough troubles of me own.
What troubles have tha got? THAT'S what troubles I've got! By heck, that's trouble if tha's got THEM.
Tha'll never find a mousetrap that big! I'll be out in a jiffy.
It'sjust a question of mind over matter.
Will power, really.
See, if you can exert sufficient mental force you can actually shrink the dimensions of the wrist.
.
.
An old Asiatic trick I picked up out East.
ListenI'll have to go.
Yes, yes.
Just toddle along.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be free in a flash.
I've been faithful to Nora Batty all these years.
How can you lie like that? Practice.
In my own way I've been faithful.
Fancy letting myself get lumbered with a panda.
I'll make her eat her words.
I'll make meself irresistible.
She'll be GLAD to invite me in.
I could KILL that Howard.
Fancy wanting a panda! On the other hand, fancy wanting Marina! Hey up, there's Howard.
Let's catch him up, give him the panda.
I'm not going outside with a giant panda.
A thing like that can seriously affect your hormone balance.
SLURPS Careful.
No, no, no, no.
It's no good.
The feet don't look natural.
People say that about me wellies.
I know.
I'm one of them.
What's it matter? It's only a giant panda.
What does it matter ?! Me going round with a giant panda! Me, who used to collect Tom Mix and William S Hart cigarette cards.
No, don't.
How dare you! Every library gets its share of weirdos.
It's a known fact.
Literature seems to attract every ding-a-ling for miles, but YOU are in a class of your own.
It's a good job my hands aren't free.
You're close to mortal danger.
There are sensible, sober-minded people trying to read in there.
Just my kind of people.
You don't imagine I'm the type to mix with ANYBODY.
You'll only ever find me in the most respectable company.
I do not associate with weirdos.
Hey up, has tha been arrested, Foggy? Dear, oh dear.
Oh It was a demonstration of will power.
How to release yourself by pure will power.
Well, you made a good job of it.
I didn't get two minutes of peace in order to concentrate.
I think I'll write to the Chief Librarian.
Tha's always bein' thrown out.
Exactly.
That's not a staff, it's the Gestapo.
Phew! I was just about to slip free, you know, when this uniformed fool came and threw me out.
He spoiled the entire process.
It's been one of those days.
For me too.
Me too.
Never gonna get an invite into Nora's house.
Shift up! Well, we're never gonna catch Howard at this rate.
It's Howard's birthday.
You're buying him glasses? I am.
Best pair I can find.
Isn't that unusual? He'll think so.
He's always wanted a giant panda.
They get barmier.
Last year mine asked me for a set of hub caps.
I mean, how can they do it? Form a passionate attachment to something like hub caps? There's worse than hub caps.
My Barry wants Ordnance Survey maps.
You want to straighten HIM out as well.
That's better.
Just the job.
Absolutely great! I'm glad he's not wearing his old ones.
At least he buys his own.
You can't buy your husband glasses.
They're not for him.
They're for me! I have to watch him like a hawk.
I've warned him.
If he turns up with any surprise birthday present from anybody he's dead.
Howard! Howard, come here! At the double, Howard.
What is it? Happy birthday, Howard.
That's what it is.
It's a panda.
It's a giant panda.
What's it doin' all dressed up? Well, you don't think I'm lugging it around the streets stark naked? A giant panda.
I've always wanted a giant panda.
Well, this is your lucky day, Howard.
Here it is.
For me? That's really nice of you, Cleggy.
It's not from me, you muffin! It's from Marina.
Marina! I don't know that I know the person.
I thought I could lie, but that bloke's a pro.
You've always wanted one.
Take it! That is an order, Howard.
No, I can't take it.
I daren't take it.
Pearl's watching me like a hawk.
If I get so much as a cufflink Howard! Lucky you! Looks like tha's just won a giant panda.
I'll be with you in a minute.
SOUND OF CROCKERY SMASHING This is going on your bill ! I've often wondered why 'panda cars'.
Well, they're black and white.
I know.
But we're in the middle of the British Isles.
We're not gonna see a panda around here.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's embarrassing playing with a panda in public.
Hang on, hang on.
Make a note in your book.
Always make a note in your book.
The one safe way to stay out of trouble is always make a note in the book.
Whatever you do, never forget any details.
Same again! I'll kill that Howard.
Tell Pearl about it, she'll probably kill him for thee.
That's a good idea.
I like that.
Oh, you can't do that.
It's sneaky.
I feel like sneaky.
How long am I supposed to walk around with this thing? I know what we need.
We need some form of transport for it that will make it look inconspicuous.
There you are, you see? That fits the bill nicely.
Now you can sneak the panda home and hide it indoors until you can pass it to Howard.
But he won't accept it.
The man's gone completely sensible.
Never mind pandas.
How am I going to get myself invited into Nora Batty's? Nora Batty is NEVER going to invite you into her house.
I mean, why would anyone? I'm a challenge.
People like a challenge.
If this gets out, I'm gonna be known as 'him with the panda'.
By heck! He could do with a second opinion.
Well, wait until Howard comes home, and insist he takes his panda.
Be firm.
Right, for once I am going to be firm.
Why don't we wait outside? Because we don't want Pearl to see any of this.
FOOTSTEPS What's she bought you for your birthday, then? I don't know what you mean, love.
Hidden it away, have you? Why would I hide anything from you, precious? Know what I would like for me birthday? Maybe a compact disc.
Something cool and up tempo.
TRIPS AND FALLS I will ! I'll KILL that Howard.
Killing's not that easy.
You have to know where to apply the pressure.
I'll find out.
Are we finished with this wheelchair? Right.
Here's the plan.
We just leave it on his doorstep.
I like it.
I like it.
Talk to yourself, Compo.
Oh, I will.
Have we finished with this wheelchair? Why are you so interested in a wheelchair? I'm hurt.
When Nora Batty sees me in this wheelchair, that should do the trick.
Lump in the throat, feeling of guilt I'll be in.
Alright, Little Sly Person, suppose she enquires about the nature of your injuries? What are you going to tell her you've done? I'll think of something.
I'm great under pressure.
Yes, we've heard you burping.
Just get me there and watch me make her sad.
I'll melt her old heart.
It'd be quicker with a blowlamp.
Do you think she's GOT a heart? Nora Batty deep down is soft and feminine.
I think there IS something wrong with him.
There'll be repercussions.
I warned her.
You can't suddenly switch from flannelette to see-through without some penalty.
Well, she smiles more these days.
That'll come to an end when HE finds out.
Oh, he's bound to find out.
You'd think he'd have noticed by now.
He must be thick.
Two teas, please, Ivy.
TWO ? One, two.
Only two? Where is he? Where is who? Shouldn't that be whom? You know WHOM.
Where is he? I like to know where he is.
I can't bear the tension knowing he's around but not sure where.
Oh, him? He's outside.
What's he doing outside? He wanted us to leave him out there.
It's the pain.
He handles it better alone.
What pain? He'll be alright - eventually.
Brave thing to do, really.
Ran out into the road to rescue this small child.
Oh, smaller than that.
Is he alright? He received a glancing blow from an articulated vehicle.
Apart from that, he's fine.
You can't just leave him out there.
Bring him in.
Get him a cup of tea.
He'd only spill it.
His hands are still shaking.
Post-incident trauma.
Poor soul.
How can you leave him out there? You just put the brake on and walk away.
Where does it hurt, love? Have you seen a doctor? No doctors.
I can handle it.
Oh, I think that's stupid - but brave.
Which makes a change from just stupid.
If you ladies will pardon me while I try and bite back the pain.
Oh, it's a shame.
You were very, very brave, love.
I know.
I know.
He ought to have a medal.
I'll take him home.
Home.
Home.
Home.
That's the place to be at a time like this.
Home.
Or somewhere close by.
Here we are.
Oh, I couldn't stand that gloomy old house all alone.
Not right now.
I'll stay out here.
What about your ferrets? It's their day off.
Come up to my place if you can manage the stairs.
I don't know whether I could make it, love.
Ahhh! Ohhhh! Oh, woe is me.
Ahhhh.
Ohhhhh.
.
How's the pain? Oh, it's terrible, terrible.
Oh, you poor love.
I know, I know.
Ohhhh.
Oh! It shouldn't be long now.
Any minute.
NORA SHRIEKS You told me you were injured.
Tha's cured me, love.
It's a miracle.
# A mir-acle A mir-acle A lovely, lovely # DOORBELL Who was that at the door? Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? I mean nobody.
Nobody we know.
A stranger.
Got the wrong house.
You're wearing your guilty look.
What are you hiding? Hiding? I don't know what you mean, love.
I always know when you're lying.
Because you're ALWAYS lying.
It's a surprise.
I thought, why don't you surprise Pearl for your birthday? I've bought you a panda, love, for me birthday.
If you don't like it, I can take it back and we can exchange it.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Howard # Happy birthday to you.
#
Your friendly female person.
Marina! Norman Clegg with the green fingers.
What a touch with growing things.
I think I hear my kettle boiling.
Doesn't surprise me for a minute.
Come here, Norman.
Come closer.
I need a favour.
STRANGLED SOUNDS FROM CLEGG It's been a long time, Norman Clegg, since we were as close as this.
You're blushing.
I'm choking.
Okay, enough is enough.
I give up.
I'm here.
Take me.
# All of me Why not take all of me? # You want locking up.
That's an idea.
Your place.
Throw away the key.
You'll never get invited into my house.
Never? NEVER ! Even if I have a shave? NEVER ! Tha's missin' a golden opportunity.
Tha wants to grab me whilst I'm up to British Standards.
Do it for me, Norman.
For old times' sake.
What old times? I was always too young for old times.
By the time I was old enough for old times they'd gone.
I'd be ever so grateful, Norman.
It's a birthday present for Howard.
And I want YOU to sneak it to him when Pearl's not looking.
When is Pearl ever not looking? Right, I'll just have to keep on kissing you till you do it.
I'll do it, I'll do it.
Couldn't you have got something smaller? Like a bungalow.
It's something he's always wanted.
Something cuddly.
Has to be admitted.
First-class bit of rope is this.
Always used to carry a bit of rope.
World War II I'm speaking of.
In the jungle.
Once you'd taken your Jap alive, a couple of half-hitches and a sheepshank and he was yours.
This could tell a few stories.
In Japanese, of course.
Well, it's Japanese rope.
That surprises you, doesn't it? You're wondering what I'm doing with it.
Well, I'll tell you.
The little beggars had captured me.
Tied me up with this very rope.
They were interrogating me.
The usual unpleasant little tricks, trying to force out of me the details of the Allied plans.
But don't worry.
I stuck it out.
It's what we were trained for.
Not everyone, of course.
Just a few of the tougher ones.
I tell you what You tie my wrists behind my back, and I will demonstrate to you how I gave them the slip.
Tie your wrists? Here? Yes.
I'll be out in a jiffy.
Don't worry about it.
That's it.
Tighter than that.
Pretend you're a Jap and I'm all that stands between you and the conquest of India.
Oh, oh! That's right.
Good and tight.
Know what she said? "Tha'll never be invited into my house.
Never.
" Don't tell me.
I've got me own troubles.
What a thing to say.
What a thing to say.
And me her next-door lover.
You're not her lover.
Only because of a technical hitch.
She keeps hitting you with a brush.
That's the one.
Anyway, I've got enough troubles of me own.
What troubles have tha got? THAT'S what troubles I've got! By heck, that's trouble if tha's got THEM.
Tha'll never find a mousetrap that big! I'll be out in a jiffy.
It'sjust a question of mind over matter.
Will power, really.
See, if you can exert sufficient mental force you can actually shrink the dimensions of the wrist.
.
.
An old Asiatic trick I picked up out East.
ListenI'll have to go.
Yes, yes.
Just toddle along.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be free in a flash.
I've been faithful to Nora Batty all these years.
How can you lie like that? Practice.
In my own way I've been faithful.
Fancy letting myself get lumbered with a panda.
I'll make her eat her words.
I'll make meself irresistible.
She'll be GLAD to invite me in.
I could KILL that Howard.
Fancy wanting a panda! On the other hand, fancy wanting Marina! Hey up, there's Howard.
Let's catch him up, give him the panda.
I'm not going outside with a giant panda.
A thing like that can seriously affect your hormone balance.
SLURPS Careful.
No, no, no, no.
It's no good.
The feet don't look natural.
People say that about me wellies.
I know.
I'm one of them.
What's it matter? It's only a giant panda.
What does it matter ?! Me going round with a giant panda! Me, who used to collect Tom Mix and William S Hart cigarette cards.
No, don't.
How dare you! Every library gets its share of weirdos.
It's a known fact.
Literature seems to attract every ding-a-ling for miles, but YOU are in a class of your own.
It's a good job my hands aren't free.
You're close to mortal danger.
There are sensible, sober-minded people trying to read in there.
Just my kind of people.
You don't imagine I'm the type to mix with ANYBODY.
You'll only ever find me in the most respectable company.
I do not associate with weirdos.
Hey up, has tha been arrested, Foggy? Dear, oh dear.
Oh It was a demonstration of will power.
How to release yourself by pure will power.
Well, you made a good job of it.
I didn't get two minutes of peace in order to concentrate.
I think I'll write to the Chief Librarian.
Tha's always bein' thrown out.
Exactly.
That's not a staff, it's the Gestapo.
Phew! I was just about to slip free, you know, when this uniformed fool came and threw me out.
He spoiled the entire process.
It's been one of those days.
For me too.
Me too.
Never gonna get an invite into Nora's house.
Shift up! Well, we're never gonna catch Howard at this rate.
It's Howard's birthday.
You're buying him glasses? I am.
Best pair I can find.
Isn't that unusual? He'll think so.
He's always wanted a giant panda.
They get barmier.
Last year mine asked me for a set of hub caps.
I mean, how can they do it? Form a passionate attachment to something like hub caps? There's worse than hub caps.
My Barry wants Ordnance Survey maps.
You want to straighten HIM out as well.
That's better.
Just the job.
Absolutely great! I'm glad he's not wearing his old ones.
At least he buys his own.
You can't buy your husband glasses.
They're not for him.
They're for me! I have to watch him like a hawk.
I've warned him.
If he turns up with any surprise birthday present from anybody he's dead.
Howard! Howard, come here! At the double, Howard.
What is it? Happy birthday, Howard.
That's what it is.
It's a panda.
It's a giant panda.
What's it doin' all dressed up? Well, you don't think I'm lugging it around the streets stark naked? A giant panda.
I've always wanted a giant panda.
Well, this is your lucky day, Howard.
Here it is.
For me? That's really nice of you, Cleggy.
It's not from me, you muffin! It's from Marina.
Marina! I don't know that I know the person.
I thought I could lie, but that bloke's a pro.
You've always wanted one.
Take it! That is an order, Howard.
No, I can't take it.
I daren't take it.
Pearl's watching me like a hawk.
If I get so much as a cufflink Howard! Lucky you! Looks like tha's just won a giant panda.
I'll be with you in a minute.
SOUND OF CROCKERY SMASHING This is going on your bill ! I've often wondered why 'panda cars'.
Well, they're black and white.
I know.
But we're in the middle of the British Isles.
We're not gonna see a panda around here.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's embarrassing playing with a panda in public.
Hang on, hang on.
Make a note in your book.
Always make a note in your book.
The one safe way to stay out of trouble is always make a note in the book.
Whatever you do, never forget any details.
Same again! I'll kill that Howard.
Tell Pearl about it, she'll probably kill him for thee.
That's a good idea.
I like that.
Oh, you can't do that.
It's sneaky.
I feel like sneaky.
How long am I supposed to walk around with this thing? I know what we need.
We need some form of transport for it that will make it look inconspicuous.
There you are, you see? That fits the bill nicely.
Now you can sneak the panda home and hide it indoors until you can pass it to Howard.
But he won't accept it.
The man's gone completely sensible.
Never mind pandas.
How am I going to get myself invited into Nora Batty's? Nora Batty is NEVER going to invite you into her house.
I mean, why would anyone? I'm a challenge.
People like a challenge.
If this gets out, I'm gonna be known as 'him with the panda'.
By heck! He could do with a second opinion.
Well, wait until Howard comes home, and insist he takes his panda.
Be firm.
Right, for once I am going to be firm.
Why don't we wait outside? Because we don't want Pearl to see any of this.
FOOTSTEPS What's she bought you for your birthday, then? I don't know what you mean, love.
Hidden it away, have you? Why would I hide anything from you, precious? Know what I would like for me birthday? Maybe a compact disc.
Something cool and up tempo.
TRIPS AND FALLS I will ! I'll KILL that Howard.
Killing's not that easy.
You have to know where to apply the pressure.
I'll find out.
Are we finished with this wheelchair? Right.
Here's the plan.
We just leave it on his doorstep.
I like it.
I like it.
Talk to yourself, Compo.
Oh, I will.
Have we finished with this wheelchair? Why are you so interested in a wheelchair? I'm hurt.
When Nora Batty sees me in this wheelchair, that should do the trick.
Lump in the throat, feeling of guilt I'll be in.
Alright, Little Sly Person, suppose she enquires about the nature of your injuries? What are you going to tell her you've done? I'll think of something.
I'm great under pressure.
Yes, we've heard you burping.
Just get me there and watch me make her sad.
I'll melt her old heart.
It'd be quicker with a blowlamp.
Do you think she's GOT a heart? Nora Batty deep down is soft and feminine.
I think there IS something wrong with him.
There'll be repercussions.
I warned her.
You can't suddenly switch from flannelette to see-through without some penalty.
Well, she smiles more these days.
That'll come to an end when HE finds out.
Oh, he's bound to find out.
You'd think he'd have noticed by now.
He must be thick.
Two teas, please, Ivy.
TWO ? One, two.
Only two? Where is he? Where is who? Shouldn't that be whom? You know WHOM.
Where is he? I like to know where he is.
I can't bear the tension knowing he's around but not sure where.
Oh, him? He's outside.
What's he doing outside? He wanted us to leave him out there.
It's the pain.
He handles it better alone.
What pain? He'll be alright - eventually.
Brave thing to do, really.
Ran out into the road to rescue this small child.
Oh, smaller than that.
Is he alright? He received a glancing blow from an articulated vehicle.
Apart from that, he's fine.
You can't just leave him out there.
Bring him in.
Get him a cup of tea.
He'd only spill it.
His hands are still shaking.
Post-incident trauma.
Poor soul.
How can you leave him out there? You just put the brake on and walk away.
Where does it hurt, love? Have you seen a doctor? No doctors.
I can handle it.
Oh, I think that's stupid - but brave.
Which makes a change from just stupid.
If you ladies will pardon me while I try and bite back the pain.
Oh, it's a shame.
You were very, very brave, love.
I know.
I know.
He ought to have a medal.
I'll take him home.
Home.
Home.
Home.
That's the place to be at a time like this.
Home.
Or somewhere close by.
Here we are.
Oh, I couldn't stand that gloomy old house all alone.
Not right now.
I'll stay out here.
What about your ferrets? It's their day off.
Come up to my place if you can manage the stairs.
I don't know whether I could make it, love.
Ahhh! Ohhhh! Oh, woe is me.
Ahhhh.
Ohhhhh.
.
How's the pain? Oh, it's terrible, terrible.
Oh, you poor love.
I know, I know.
Ohhhh.
Oh! It shouldn't be long now.
Any minute.
NORA SHRIEKS You told me you were injured.
Tha's cured me, love.
It's a miracle.
# A mir-acle A mir-acle A lovely, lovely # DOORBELL Who was that at the door? Nothing.
What do you mean, nothing? I mean nobody.
Nobody we know.
A stranger.
Got the wrong house.
You're wearing your guilty look.
What are you hiding? Hiding? I don't know what you mean, love.
I always know when you're lying.
Because you're ALWAYS lying.
It's a surprise.
I thought, why don't you surprise Pearl for your birthday? I've bought you a panda, love, for me birthday.
If you don't like it, I can take it back and we can exchange it.
# Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Howard # Happy birthday to you.
#