South Park s14e06 Episode Script

Saigon is a hell of a place.
I've seen a lot of death, a lot of suffering.
Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see.
I tried to sit it out as much as I could.
What's the matter, Conner? Don't like a little blood? No, I don't like a little blood.
Blood ain't the stuff for Blood ain't the stuff for Mitch Conner.
Incoming! Conner, Mitchell.
You're discharged, son.
And that's that.
Pack your bags, you're headed home.
Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam.
So how do I end up here? With a 9-year-old kid, who just wants to know who his father is.
Life is funny like that.
One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam And the next you're playing Doctor Phil with some kid and his teacher.
Eric, I I'm really sorry That you were put through all this.
Sorry is a four letter-word with a y on the end.
That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid.
That's right.
Tell me the truth.
Now! All I can tell you, Eric, Is that we were all told to stick to the story.
To protect someone very important.
I can't say more.
I won't.
But I'll I'll tell you who has the answer.
Look, gingers.
You said you wanted Muhammad.
We got him for you! We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there! It could be a trick! It's no trick, dude! My friend and I went to The super best friends and brought him here! Then have him step out of the bear costume! You have until the count of ten.
One! Don't do it, Randy.
If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed! Two! Idiot! If he isn't seen we're about to definitely get bombed! Three! Alright, alright.
Stop! We'll do what you say.
I'm sorry, Muhammad, but Will you please step out of the bear costume? Okay, so um.
See? Muhammad.
That isn't Muhammad, that's Santy Claus.
Sorry boys.
I tried.
Aw crap.
Boys, you got Santa to be Mohammed? When? When you all said you Were gonna hand Mohammed over to Tom Cruise.
We promised Jesus that Mohammed Would stay safely in the u-haul! I'm sorry, Kyle.
I really thought my idea would work for you.
If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume, Why would we actually have it be Muhammad, You fucking idiot.
So where is he? Meanwhile, at the hall of the super best friends Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already? It's getting to be a problem.
Oh, and you're one to talk.
With all your Internet porn.
Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag! Jesus Christ! What? We've got a distress signal coming in! On the super best screen! Super best friends! You've got to help us! The casa bonita is under attack! Great Scott! It's Barbra Streisand! I thought Barbra Streisand Had been destroyed by the Robert Smith! Yeah! Who would have activated her again? I don't know, semen.
It's sea man! The casa bonita is gone! Jesus, help us! Jesus, that's where those boys took Muhammad! We have to stop her! On the super best friends power cycles! There, there my little mouse friend.
Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of.
Ahh Kevin, you brought me my fonseca.
That's a good boy.
What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin.
We've tried to be left alone, Kevin.
Who would disturb us at this hour? We must be careful.
Why, it's an African American man, Kevin.
Yes? What do you want? Yo, man, sorry to bother ya, But there's been an accident down the street, man! Can I use your telephone? Oh, I'm -- I'm terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in.
Yo I understand, man, but this is real bad.
My lady's legs is all busted up She's all crawling around On the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man.
I just need ta call an ambulance, dawg.
There's a gas station about half a mile down the road.
They have a phone there.
Okay, I see.
I guess I understand.
You just don't want to let a black man in your house.
No, please, it isn't that at all.
No, I gets it, man.
Thought thangs had changed through.
Thought when we got a black president, things would be different.
We gots a black president, But whitey still don't trust me to use his mother fucking phone.
No, wait! I'm sorry.
You're right, we do have a black president.
Please, come in.
Nice work, Conner.
Yeah, the all how's anything change speech, Works on white people all the time.
Eric Cartman? Suprise to see me, asshole? Close the door.
Holy crap! Cheery ho! My name is pip! I would like to see If you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits! Ahghgghghgh! Meanwhile, at the legion of doom, which is Tom Cruise's house How do you like that? Celebrities can get violent too! Mr.
Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! She's destroying everything! We will call her off when you give us Muhammad.
We don't have Muhammad.
We aren't sure where he is! That's your problem! Get him back or babs will kill you all! Oh boy! Kenny! Kenny, dude, what the hell? You're supposed to be watching Muhammad I am! He's right here.
Oh, thank God.
Hey, Muhammad.
Really sorry about all this, dude.
So what the heck are we gonna do now? Muhammad isn't safe here.
The gingers and celebrities All want a piece of him.
I don't know where we can go! Wait.
No, wait a minute.
I've got it.
I've totally got it! What? Remember the time we got an elephant to make love to a pig? Yeah.
I totally know how we can give the gingers And the celebrities what they want, But keep Muhammad safe.
Come on! She's going to get our coffee store next! Oho! Jesus Christ! That's enough, Barbra Streisand! Kwaaaaa! Smith! Try your ice breath! No good! Look out! Barbra Streisand's using her toxic stink ray! Eric, your father never wanted this to happen.
He was protecting you as well as them.
Them who? Eric, you have to understand, It's all very complicated.
Then start explaining it to me.
Very well.
Come on.
The door is open.
Dr.
Mephesto, we need your Help! Oh for crying out loud! Now everybody's letting themselves in! Doctor, this is Muhammad.
We want you to clone him! So we can give his copies to Gingers and Barbra Streisand.
Oh, alright.
No, no, no, he's not doing Anything except explaining who my father is.
Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now.
It's all that matters.
Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is! Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical rara I guarantee you, people care way more about who my father is.
In the small mountain town of South Park The holy prophet of the mormon religion is trying To fly up to nose of the deadly female singer Wahgghgh.
Our powers no working, swallow! We can't attack streisand's nose.
It's just too big! We have to find another weak spot! Moses! What? We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have.
Um, lemme think.
Um.
Oh, I know.
Barbra Streisand can't resist Singing duets with Neil Diamond.
Alright, I'll build a stage.
Lao tsu, use mind control to get a huge audience.
Buddha and Smith use powers to find a band.
Semen, you and swallow go get us Sushi for dinner.
It's sea man and swallow! Okay, semen, you guys head off.
Fine! Swallow, come! No way he just said that! Alright, alright.
Look, just tell Cartman who is Dad is real quick so we can clone Muhammad.
It's a complicated story.
I just can't tell him quickly.
Then we'll wait because we have to clone Muhammad now.
Is Muhammad more important than A little boy's broken heart? Oh, you are not doing that again.
Look Mephesto, you tell this Kid who his father is and you do it now! Stop talking with your stupid hand.
Who you calling stupid, Jew? Come on you guys, we are running out of time! Yes? Hey, I'm sorry to bother you! There's been an accident and I need a phone! Yeah, right.
Let me guess.
You're an African American.
Well, yes, I am, but I don't Know what that has to do with anything.
Beat it! I'm not helping you! Dude! That's not cool! No, no, you don't understand.
We understand you just Sounded like a freaking racist! We don't live in the We have a black president! Alright, alright.
Jeez.
Ha-Haaa! Oh crap.
The gingers! Gingers? No! Later, at the legion of doom Tom, Tom! The gingers are claiming zey have! What? Impossible! Zey are sending a message now! On screen! We have Muhammad! We have Muhammad! He's useless to you! You can't get Muhammad's power to Not be made fun of without the Rob reiner goo transfer machine! Why do you think we're calling? Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you if you're Willing to share the goo machine with us.
Your boss? What's going on? You got what you wanted gingers, So let us go! Oh no, no! The head ginger has plans for you.
What head ginger? And where is Cartman? Ha, ha.
The head ginger has something Really special planned for him.
Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I? You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid.
Shut up, Conner.
How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth.
Marrmgmgmmm.
Hello? I'm here, whoever you are.
Eric Cartman, I've waited a long time for this.
Daddy? Guess again.
Welcome, to my chili con carnival! Chili con carnival? Wait a minute.
No, it can't be.
Oh, but it can! Revenge is a dish best served.
Chili! Scott tenorman.
Oooh.
Meanwhile, at the concert Stage Jesus built with his power Of super carpentry That's it, Jesus! The band has been paid and the Pa system is working! Alright krishna, the rest is up to you! Form of Neil Diamond! If you all wouldn't mind, I'd Like to invite a special friend To join me on stage.
Miss Barbra Streisand! Let's hope to Christ this works.
Hello gorgeous.
What'dya say? Shall we sing together again Like the ol' times? Well, that's because I loved You girl, and I still love you now.
What have you got to say? That might be true, but I still miss you at night.
When you roll over by my side, and you kiss me goodnight -- It worked, Jesus! Yeah.
And now to find Muhammad and take down Tom Cruise! Do you remember when you had My parents killed and fed them to me as chili? I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric.
A lot of time for me to learn everything about you.
So that one day I could take you down.
I even learned the name of your father.
Oh, I know you're confused, who wouldn't be? You've been lied to everyone! Even by your own mother.
What do you know? I wanted to torment you with your father's identity.
But what I found was more Shocking than I could have possibly guessed! Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair Alright, Muhammad is secure! Let's do this.
Throw the switch, Rob! Yes! I can feel it! I can feel the power to not be Ridiculed flowing through my veins! Omg! It worked! I've done it! I've done it! Look at me! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore! Ooh, you lucky fucker.
Welcome everyone to the final Act of my fabulous chili carnival! Please! Leave my boy alone! Mom? I got them all here for you, Eric! To listen while you got told the truth! Please, don't! We have to protect 'em! Protect who?! Yes, protect who.
Tell him, Mr.
Jimbo! Protect the Denver Broncos.
Meanwhile.
This is incredible.
Who wants to go next? I want to be next! No gingers go next! Gingers can suck it.
I'm next.
It's my goo machine.
I'm next! Nobody is going next! Muhammad is our super best friend.
Let him go! They can't stop all of us! Get em! The Denver Broncos.
There was a right tackle, See, who had an illegitimate Child with your slut of a mom! And everyone here covered it up To protect the Bronco name! They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions! My dad was a Denver Bronco? Would you like to meet him? Well you can't.
Ever.
Cuz you see, Eric, we have something in common.
Did I ever tell you that my father played for the Denver Broncos? No, no.
The only Bronco who lived in South Park.
He got a little bored one week And had an affair with a slut named Liane Cartman.
No, please! Tell him! You almost did before but you Got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan! Tell him! It's true.
Jack Tenorman was your father.
You killed your own father And then you fed him to your half brother! No.
Nooo! Now, eat your chili! Keyaa! The super best friends? Oh no! I'll get you, Tom Cruise! Hey, look! Tom Cruise has sea man on his Back.
What did you say? Oh yeah, Tom Cruise does have sea man on his back.
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes sea man.
You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell is going on? I'll be back, super best friends! Who's the creepy ginger kid? Reiner! You said the goo machine would work, but I got made fun of! That's because there is no goo, Mr.
Cruise! You see, I learned something today.
That's right.
Don't you see, gingers.
That's right.
Yeah.
Alright, people.
Let's start rebuilding our town for the 39th time.
Oh dude, look! Hey, Cartman.
Look, man.
We know what you learned would pretty tough to hear.
Tough to hear? My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad! Don't you guys realize what that means? Yeah, dude, we know what it means.
My dad was a ginger! Wait! What? I mean, obviously I take After my mom, but I have the Ginger gene inside of me! Dude, you killed your own dad And you're worried about that? Hey, Eric! Eric! What? Come on, cheer up.
Cheer up? I'm half ginger! Yeah, but you're forgetting.
You're also half Denver Bronco.
That makes you pretty cool.
Hey, you're right.
That does make me pretty cool.
You gotta be kidding me! Shut up, Kyle.
You dumb Jew.
You've got Bronco blood in you, kid.
That makes you awesome.
Me? I should be moving on.
Really, Mitch, you gotta go? There's a bounty on my head, And I can't afford to stay in One place to long.
So long, Denver Bronco.
Take it easy, Conner.
Look, Mr.
Cruise, I'm sorry I Said you were a Fudge packer and That you had sea man on your back.
I just can't do it anymore.
I wanna go away.
But there's nowhere on earth That people aren't around to rip on me.
Hey, hey, we know a place.
We know a place where everything Is just happiness and joy and no Humans are there to mess it up.
We do? Oh yeah! We do! You really? Somewhere where I can live out My days in peace and quiet? Oh, please, can you show me where? We'll do better than that.
We'll help get you there.