Family Guy s14e07 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.
You know, this was the fanciest restaurant in Quahog when I was a kid.
The ladies' room has a big space with chairs in it, like a living room, before you get back to where the crappers are.
Good evening and welcome to Smitty's.
I'll be back with martinis for Mom and Dad, and for you kids, some martinis.
Dad, can you pass the bread? Sure.
But don't forget the butter that looks like decorative bathroom soaps and is impossible to smear.
Thanks, Dad! This really ruins it! What will you be having, sir? Yes, I'll have what I had last time: pheasant on the glass.
Don't you mean "pheasant under glass"? Nope.
(chirping) Yeah.
Now turn around and lay an egg on the glass.
Aw, yeah.
I defy you to tell me exactly what's wrong with this.
Oh, Peter, look.
You can put your business card in this bowl and maybe win a free lunch.
I don't have a business card.
And I think you knew that.
I hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.
May I offer you a toothpick? Oh, I-I don't know.
We've already spent a lot of money in here tonight.
No, sir, it-it's free.
Oh! Peter, that's not how you use a toothpick.
You pick your teeth with it.
I cannot believe I have to explain this to you.
There are gaps in my knowledge.
This is hardly news.
Wow, this is awesome! This is like I'm having a whole second meal! Man, this just feels right.
That's it.
From here on out, I am about all things toothpick.
I'm gonna go everywhere with it, always be chewin' on it, #-and start all my sentences with, "All right, here's what you're gonna do.
" Excuse me, we're from out of town.
Where do people go to listen to live music around here? I'll handle this.
All right, here's what you're gonna do: skip the live music.
Get yourself a room over at the Wickford Marina.
Take her out on a balcony, point to any boat in the harbor, and tell her it's yours.
Now, you got rubbers? Now that I'm a toothpick guy, I call 'em rubbers.
Or you could just pull the hose out of the bucket and let it spray free.
I've had a vasectomy.
Chris, now that I'm a toothpick guy, it's my job to sit on a BMX bike outside the rec center and ask every kid if they're the new kid.
Hey.
You the new kid? Why? Never mind why.
Got any cool toys? Uh, I got an Xbox.
How about you? I got a Barbie with a wiener on it.
Took a thumb from a G.
I.
Joe, put it on with superglue.
Looks pretty real.
Real enough, anyways.
Does the job.
Does what job? You get it.
My family moves around a lot 'cause I do stuff like this.
Um okay.
I got to go now.
You sure you don't want to come over and pull on my cat's nipples? We can do anything, 'cause my mom has two jobs.
All right, I'm off to the fish market.
What? Why? Well, the most intimidating people are toothpick guys who work at seafood counters and make people uncomfortable for not knowing about fish.
What's good here? It's all good.
What's the freshest? It's all fresh.
How 'bout the halibut? Is it gamey? Gamey? I mean, you know, is it fishy? It's all fish.
Is there a special way to prepare it? I'd cook it up.
W-Well, what's the best fish here? What's your favorite fish? I don't eat fish.
I only like spaghetti.
Ugh, when are you gonna get rid of that toothpick? It's disgusting, and it's starting to smell.
Why would I give it up? It's gettin' me tons of tail.
What? And check this out.
The rare triple toothpick flip.
(choking) Oh, my God, are you all right? (coughs) No, I swallowed it! My toothpick! It's gone! Damn it! I'm gonna need you to put that large two-handed colander over the toilet.
Peter, that was a wedding present from my aunt.
Well, let's use the ice cream maker! We've never used it once! Calm down.
You can always get another toothpick.
Oh, my God, you're right! Lois, we got to drive to Smitty's right now and get one.
Now? But we told Chris we'd be there when he wakes up from surgery.
All right, we were able to fix your hernia, but you've got to stop lifting sewer hole covers.
But the Ninja Turtles live down there.
I'm friends with them.
Hey, fat ass, I brought you flowers.
But stay out of the sewers! We're trying to work down there.
Thanks, Donatello! (tires screech) Oh, thank God! Quick, we need another toothpick! Thank you, Maurice.
Just get your toothpick and let's get out of here.
Ugh.
No, thanks.
That old lady has ruined toothpicks for me.
Just like how Meg ruined broccoli.
Hey, Meg, look, they're little trees! No, they're not.
They're not?! Hey, Peter! Oh, look, there's Quagmire and his transgendered mother, which is now great.
Hey, Quagmire.
Hey, Ida.
I didn't know you liked Smitty's.
Oh, yeah, I've been coming here for ages.
They even named a sandwich after me.
It's an inside-out hot dog slathered in ketchup.
Please, please join us.
Oh, we wouldn't want to interrupt your brave dinner.
Nonsense, we're happy to have you.
All right, but we already ate dinner, so maybe just an iceberg wedge, a steak, and some sides.
And then I said something random that suggested a whole crazy story! (all laugh) Oh, God, that's hilarious, Lois.
I could listen to you talk all night.
Yeah, but we got to get going.
Carter's our babysitter, and if he's with the kids too long, they start sayin' racisms.
Aw, I wish the fun didn't have to end.
I always enjoy spending time with you two.
Well, why don't you come over tomorrow? We'll fire up the grill and have the gang over for a cookout.
Well, that sounds wonderful.
Well, great, we'll be there! Hey, before you two leave, let's take a photo.
Yeah! Selfie! (laughs) I just learned that word.
Perfect! Well, good night, you guys.
See you tomorrow, hashtags! You're not doin' that right.
Boy, that Lois is really something, isn't she? Yeah.
Peter's a lucky guy.
Glenn, do you do you have feelings for her? What? (scoffs) No.
A mother always knows.
You like to play the field, but, deep down, you really wish you had a woman like Lois, don't you? No, I don't want a woman like Lois.
I want Lois.
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
She's warm and kind and beautiful.
I've never been so in love with anyone.
Glenn, that's very sweet, but you're talking about your best friend's wife.
I know, I know.
It's wrong.
And Peter's a good friend.
Not like Cleveland.
Hey, I got two of these phone books.
Didn't know if you wanted one.
Hey, how long have we known each other? Long time.
And yet we've never discussed mothers' maiden names, the names of old pets, high school mascots, favorite teachers.
Heck, I don't even know the last four digits of your Social.
Cleveland, do you need to borrow some money? I do! They're gonna kill Donna! Really? No.
I just want to buy a man's fur coat.
Get out of here.
(distant knocking) (door opens in distance) Hey, Peter, I had an extra phone book, and I PETER: I'm not buyin' you that coat! (door slams) (snores, coughing) Huh? Who? What? Yeah, what? What? Which doggy in what window? So, how'd everything go? Hard to tell.
I was coughing the whole time.
By the way, I couldn't figure out how to use your oven, so I destroyed it in a blind rage.
Well, good night.
Ooh, after that steak, I got to go lay down on the toilet.
(phone vibrates) Huh.
Looks like I got a couple of messages.
(banging sounds on voicemail) STEWIE: Uh, Dad? Dad? Grandpa's going nuts on the oven.
Can you come home quick? Who the hell is that? Huh.
There's one from Quagmire.
(muffled conversation) Huh, must've pocket-dialed me again.
QUAGMIRE: I want Lois.
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
She's warm and kind and beautiful.
I've never been so in love with anyone.
Oh, my God.
Quagmire's in love with my wife? (phone rings) Hello? LOIS: Peter, I'm having troubles on the toilet.
Bring the ice cream maker.
Brian, there's somethin' I got to talk to you about.
Quagmire pocket-dialed me last night.
You got to hear this.
QUAGMIRE: I want Lois.
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
Oh, my God! He's in love with Lois? Yeah, and if you keep listenin', you can hear a Puerto Rican busboy get fired in the background.
It's pretty funny.
He cries.
But can you believe Quagmire?! Well, I guess it's not that shocking.
I mean, he has said 100 times that he wants to bang Lois.
No, no, no, that's just Quagmire bein' a horndog.
This is love.
I don't know, I think you're making too big a deal out of this.
Too big a deal?! The guy's been sitting next to me all these years, acting like he's my friend, when all he really wants is to be with my wife! Geez, calm down.
No, I'm telling you, he's gonna try to take Lois away from me.
You know what? I'm going over there right now and hit him with a shovel, like a white trash YouTube girl.
Peter, wait, wait.
Listen.
Delete that message and pretend you never heard it.
What? Why? Because you weren't meant to hear it.
If you act on this, all you'll do is wreck your friendship and cause heartache for everyone involved.
What, so what am I supposed to do, just ignore it? Yeah.
Ignore it.
Like you do with the ghost of that colonial woman who died falling down our stairs.
(moaning): I saw you eat a crayon It was purple.
I thought it was grape.
Look, you've got to be the bigger man.
You got to just keep this to yourself.
(sighs) Fine, I won't say anything.
Good.
And don't be passive-aggressive, either.
Like one of those songs in an old musical.
(jaunty melody plays) You're hideous To be without You're big and fat In the heart, no doubt You're a horrible loss If you won't be my wife You're a raging, continuous Love in my life Pretty good turnout for this thing.
Oh, yeah, Mort and Neil Goldman.
It's like Coachella.
There's that son of a bitch! He's got some nerve showing up here.
Peter, remember what we talked about.
Look at them clouds up there.
Yeah, that one look like Nathan.
That one look like Shawn.
And there go Wanya over there.
How blessed are we to have all them Boyz II Men just floating around in the sky? Glenn! Ida! You made it! Hey, Lois.
I brought the hamburger buns, like you wanted.
I wasn't sure what people like, so I got some with seeds on them and some without.
What does he mean by that, "seeds"? Like semen? Is that what he means? Semen on her buns.
Am I the only one hearing this? Get the hell away from my wife, you scumbag! Peter, what are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about! I'm talking about this! PETER (recorded): Idea for a movie.
Fop Cop.
It's a cop who's, like, a fancy guy.
Nobody heard that! None of you take that! What I meant to play was this.
QUAGMIRE: I want Lois.
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
Fop Cop.
That could work.
Glenn i-is this true? Wait a minute, how the hell'd you get that recording, Peter? You pocket-dialed me, you bastard! Peter, that was a private conversation.
That doesn't change the fact that you want to steal my wife! Hey, get your hands off me! LOIS: Oh, my God! JOE: Oh, come on, you two.
MAN: Come on, man.
Hey, what are y'all doing? Someone stop him! Kill him, Dad! Murder him! (Quagmire and Peter grunting) That's it! End of cookout! Get out of my house, and don't ever speak to me again! Wow, that turned ugly fast.
Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.
Hey, city boy, what's with the arm pants? QUAGMIRE (recorded): I want Lois.
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
(groans) You're still listening to that thing? It's like, I can't even process why he'd feel this way.
Maybe you know, maybe play it one more time and I can't believe this.
I thought Quagmire was my friend! Peter, it's not that surprising.
He's always had a potent sex drive.
Remember his grandmother's funeral? (quietly): Yeah, get it in there.
Oh, I wish this was about sex.
If he was just home busting one to his buddy's wife, hell, we've all done that.
I've heard.
Allegedly.
But not often.
And never to Donna.
Except when she wore those shiny gold shorts to parent-teacher night.
Oh, yeah, that was hilarious.
(laughing): Yeah, that was that was so tacky.
But Quagmire actually has feelings for you.
I'm afraid he might take you away from me.
Peter, nobody's taking me anywhere.
I love you.
Mmm.
I love you, too, Lois.
Hey, you ever heard any of the other wives saying they're attracted to me? (laughs) No, um, not that I recall, no.
Look, now that this is settled, maybe you and Glenn can put this behind you.
No way! How am I supposed to be friends with someone who's in love with my wife? Quagmire is dead to me and needs to be dealt with in an appropriate manner.
Shame.
Shame.
Shame.
(bell ringing) Shame.
(to "Chain of Fools"): Shame, shame, shame Shame on you-hoo Shame, shame, shame Shame on Q This was serious, but it turned into something fun.
Glenn? Is that you? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was just buying a a grocery store cane.
See you, Lois.
Glenn, wait.
Look, if you and Peter aren't gonna talk this out, you and I should.
What's there to talk about? Everyone knows I'm in love with my best friend's wife.
It's pathetic.
And humiliating.
Glenn I can't trust myself around you.
It's probably best if I just never see you again.
Well, you can't just avoid me forever.
We live on the same street.
Mm.
Well, then I know what I have to do.
Good-bye, Lois.
Oh, sour cream.
You wanted me to remind you.
Sour cream.
Mr.
Quagmire, which box do these beads go in? Let me smell 'em.
They go in the big box.
Quagmire, I can't believe you're moving.
Look, give it time-- this whole thing will blow over.
No, it's too awkward.
It's best for everyone if I just leave.
That's too bad.
We never got to do that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch.
Well, that'll do it.
Peter, Quagmire's serious about this.
You got to do something! You're right.
Quagmire, wait! You almost left without this! You want me to be the one that says "jiggety" now? TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dateline.
Our story tonight: The guy you think did it? He did it.
Now go to bed.
Your grandkids are coming tomorrow.
I had a pretty good egg dish last night.
What? What-what am I supposed to do with that information? Well, I don't know.
Maybe ask me for the recipe? Do you have it? No.
So what's going on with you guys? Nothing much.
See, this is where Quagmire normally would have told one of his outrageous sex stories.
Aw, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
So I'm bangin' this chick, and she's sayin' to me, "I'm worried that Chris won't get into college.
" And then I says to her, "Yeah, that seems like a legitimate concern.
" And then I lost my wood, and so we just watched Colbert, and then I took a dump completely nude.
Who else but Peter? Peter, face it-- without Quagmire, we're boring.
Oh, come on, that ain't true.
Yes, it is.
He had all the fun ideas.
Remember? He even took me parasailing.
This is awesome! It's like I'm flying! (whooping) I've never felt so alive! Oh, if only I had a pair of legs.
All right! (munching, gobbling) It was the fish part of me that wanted 'em! (munching, gobbling) (sighs) Look, Peter, I'm sorry Quagmire moved away, but you can't just sit around the house and drink all day.
It's all your fault Quagmire fell in love with you.
Traipsin' around in your tan pants and your green shirt and your soothing voice.
My fault?! Yeah, everything is messed up.
I lost my best friend, my buddies are all fighting, that chick at work is saying stuff that ain't true.
Okay, you know what? Enough feeling sorry for yourself.
We're fixing this now.
Get in the car.
What? Why? You'll see.
Why should I trust you? You're always trickin' me into going places I don't want to.
Oh you said we were going to a place Walt Disney built.
No, Peter.
I said supported.
(bright fanfare playing) LOIS: By the way, don't go on the train ride.
I've been playing a game I invented called "mini racquetball" in your garage.
Uh-huh.
It's pretty fun.
He has not won a single point.
You don't have to win to have fun.
(knocking on door) Lois? Peter.
Zod.
Hey.
You're parked behind my trapezoid-thing.
Yeah, yeah, I'll move it in a sec.
Glenn, all this nonsense has to stop now.
The only reason this became an issue is because Peter heard something he wasn't supposed to hear.
CLEVELAND: Guy from Superman lives here?! And the truth is, we all have private thoughts we don't act on, and that's okay.
For instance, every time I'm on the subway, I want to push a stranger onto the tracks.
And that's fine! I don't do it! I guess you're right.
I don't totally disagree with what Kim Jong-un's doing, but you don't see me moving there.
I take medicine I get from the veterinarian.
Is that one? No, no, it's not, but the point is, we all have secret thoughts.
But there's no reason they should ruin our friendships.
Sometimes I think about going to the hospital and switching the babies around.
Somali pirates seem cool, too.
I wouldn't mind eating the Phillie Phanatic.
See? We're all terrible people inside.
Joe's a little worse than the rest of us, but we all just shove our thoughts deep down, where they can't hurt anybody.
Huh, maybe you're right.
Of course I'm right.
The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.
So here's the question, Glenn.
Do you love Peter enough to repress your love for me? Peter, if you're willing to forget all about this, I'm more than happy to continue hiding my true feelings.
I do miss us hanging out together.
Huh.
Sorry I kind of went a little crazy.
Ah, that's all right.
And I'm sorry I will always love your wife.
Which I don't.
Thank you, Glenn.
All right! What do you say we all celebrate with a game of mini racquetball? Wait.
Is mini racquetball just Ping-Pong? Kind of.
Boy, it's good to have the gang together again.
Yeah, welcome home, buddy.
Man, I missed sitting around, just shooting the breeze.
Hey, so how'd you get your house back? This ought to be good.
I suspended escrow.
Oh.
Hey, guys, you know that egg dish I was talking about? Turns out that was just a dream I had.