South Park s14e07 Episode Script

This program contains subject matter and language that may be disturbing to some viewers.
Viewer discretion is advised.
Hey, everybody! How's it going? The towel the drug addict I just -- I just can't seem to stop.
Towelie has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction.
Hey, you goin' swimming? Don't forget to bring a towel! He does not know he is about to face an intervention.
Get out of my face! Get out of here! Intervention my name is Towelie.
T-o-w-e-l -- y-e-y.
I'm great at cleaning up spills.
And I'm 100% machine washable.
I'm just an ordinary towel in a lot of ways.
Except for one.
I'm addicted to marijuana.
And crystal meth.
And crack.
Nine years ago towlie started smoking marijuana.
Two years later, he started experimenting with crystal meth.
Anybody want their sucked? Does anybody want their sucked by a towel? Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town.
He's broken into my house twice and stolen my allowance.
I've got almost nothing left.
If we're playing outside, he shows up completely wasted and screaming how the government is following him.
I just don't want to watch him kill himself! I don't even know who he is anymore! There's is no doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is going to be ruined.
Camp for the handicapped oh boy, Timmy! It's our favorite time of year! Timmy! We get to see all our old friends again! Hey, there's Francis! Hey, Francis! Hey, Jimmy! Hey, Tim! Timmy! Look at Lenora, everyone! Good job! Come on! Good job, Lenora! Alright, good.
Let's get Lenora a towel! C'mon, where's the towel?! The towel isn't here.
I think it's off getting high again.
For the past week Towelie has been working at a summer camp for handicapped children.
He has been given warnings for getting high fourteen times.
Hey! Where's that towel? Oh, yeah, just a sec! We went out and got Towelie a job.
So he could try and pays us back all the money he owes us.
Stupid towel.
What's going on, towel? Oh, yeah, just had to take a piss.
Sorry.
We got wet campers down there.
Move your ass! When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything.
I don't care about anything.
Stupid handicap camp Alright, blue team.
As team Captain I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition! Oh, we're weady awight! We can weawy stick it to wed team this yew! No way red team can beat us no way.
Red team won't know what hit them.
Alright.
Everyone together! Are we gonna beat red team this year? Yeah! Timmy! Yeah! I can't stand him, Mimsy.
That Jimmy kid makes my skin crawl.
Darrr, you've always hated Jimmy, boss.
Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp.
He really took it to ya good.
Shut up, Mimsy.
Oh, sorry boss.
Listen to me.
There is no way that blue team is gonna beat red team this year at camp.
You got that? Blue team has beaten red team the past three summers at Lake Tardicaca.
The three legged race is blue team's best event.
What we need to do Mimsy, is use a little bwain power to make sure blue team can't compete.
Oh boy! We're ruin blue teams chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or something, boss? Shut up, Mimsy.
Just do what I say and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him.
There ya go, Lenora.
All better now? Yes, thanks.
That's right, when you go swimmin' don't forget to bring a -- blalrlg! Who hired that towel? It can barely walk let alone dry somebody off.
You think you're better than me? Huh? You think-- you think you're hot? A lot of times when Towelie shoots heroin, he just gets angry at everybody.
You can all suck it! You're all -- you're all a bunch of towels.
That's what you are! The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before.
He had a girlfriend he liked and then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth.
But then Towelie just kept getting more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house.
You! Lemme talk to him.
Lemme talk to him, you bitch! Towelie is attempting to talk to his son.
His ex-wife will not let her son talk to Towelie when he's high.
No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday.
Oh, it is Wednesday? Alright campers! Our first event is the big canoe race! Oh boy, the canoe race! Heee! We gotta be-beada-da -- beada - we gotta beat the red team! I've got it, Mimsy.
I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good.
Der oh boy! What're we gonna do boss? Simple, Mimsy.
We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe.
What kind of a surprise? Ooh, it's a snake! Not just any snake, Mimsy.
It's a black mamba.
The black mamba is the deadiest snake known to man the odds of surviving a black manba in your canoe are 546 to 1.
Oh, gee wiz, boss.
We're gonna kill all the blue team and Jimmy, huh? Shhh! Shhh! You boys excited for the canoe race? Yes, counselor Steve.
I like duh fun canoe.
Canoes are fun, aren't they? Now take the black mamba, Mimsy, and put it in the canoe.
I'm gonna go get our team ready.
Alright, campers, are we ready? Yeah! Good luck, Jimmy! You too n-n-Nathan! You're gonna need it, you asshole.
On your mark! Get set! Holy ! Mimsy! What the hell did you do? Dar you said ta put da black mamba in the canoe, boss! Not in our canoe, Mimsy! Mimsy has put the black mamba snake in the wrong canoe.
The odds of the red team winning the canoe race are now 1 in 19.
We crossed the finish line first.
Hey, hey, we need a towel! Oh, uh, just a sec! Not just a sec.
We got a bunch of wet campers down there! What's going on? Towelie makes extra money for drugs by offering oral sex to older men.
Hey you owe me money, asshole! That's it.
We're done.
You are no longer employed here.
Please, sir.
We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp.
We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money! Some people are so picky about their towels.
Alright campers! Next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue team is gonna go first! I finally got it, Mimsy.
I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the blue team.
Oh boy! What're we gonna do, huh, boss? Simple.
We're going to get Jimmy killed by native Americans.
Here take this.
It's a fake scavenger hunt map.
Darrr, this map leads to the scavenger hunt? No! That map leads to the Indian reservation.
We switch this with blue team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca India reservation! The Tardicaca Indians are extremely protective of their land.
Trespassing on the Tardicaca reservation is considered extremely dangerous.
Dar, oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss? Shh! Shhhh! Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt? Yes, counselor Steve.
I like da scavaga -- hut.
Alright, Mimsy.
Now you take this map to the Indian reservation and you switch it with blue teams.
You got that Mims? You switch the map.
Switch the map.
Dar I got it, boss! Switch the map! Switch the map! Darr, how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss? Because stupid, now that we have blue teams map we can get their scavenger prize, too! Darr, oh boy! This doesn't make sense.
Why would they make us go this far? We're handicapped.
Turn left at the -- wait.
Wait a minute.
What the - oh! Mim! This is the map to the Indian reservation! Well, sure it is, boss! I told you to switch this with the map for blue team! Nah you told me switch the map.
Switch the map.
So I switched it, and I switched.
Mimsy! Uhhh, my name is Nathan.
I'm disabled.
Intervention hey everybody! Let's all go to the office supply store! Towelie has run out of money for had drugs.
He now inhales computer duster to get high.
You must have one dusty computer.
You! It's not illegal, bitch.
I feel like I could conquer the world.
Towelie now inhales up to 2, It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine! I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance.
Towelie! Open the door! Go away.
I'm walkin' on sunshine! Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important.
Just -- let me walk on the sunshine a little more.
Alright.
In the surfing competition, the red team is up three points to two! And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn! Timmy! Gee, I wish our team Captain was as awesome as Jimmy! I finally got it, Mimsy.
I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all.
Oh boy! Oh boy! What're we gonna do to him, boss? Simple.
We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark.
Here, take this.
It's a shark mating whistle.
Der okay boss, a shark mating whistle! We gonna hit'em over the head wid it, huh, boss? No you, moron.
You go under the water and blow that whistle.
You can attract sharks, right as Jimmy starts to surf.
The Tardicaca shark is the deadliest freshwater shark in Colorado.
A shark mating whistle can attract the shark from over two miles away.
Der I got it boss! I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off! Then he'll bleed ta deat! He's gonna bleed at deat! Shhh! Shhh! Are you boys enjoying the fun beach? UN Counselor Steve.
The beach is warm.
Gee, dat was a close one huh, boss? Dye almost hoid me sayin' we was gonna kill Jimmmy! Shut up, Mimsy.
Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle.
Derr, oh boy! I dunno, Timmy.
Those waves are pretty big.
Timmy.
Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself! Gonna catch a wave.
Derr, I got me a shark whistle! Oh boy, here it comes.
Here it comes! Oh no! Jimmy! Wait look! He's doing it! Yeah! Alright! Ha ha, oh boy! Mimsy? You didn't do what I told you! Whatdya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and then blow the whistle.
I swam in the water, so now I gatta blow the whistle.
Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water.
There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding.
You idiot! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it - Mimsy's error has caused a lake shark to come onto the beach and mate with Nathan.
The Tardicaca Lake shark's penis is nine inches long.
Colorado department of wildlife.
Mimsy! Get this thing offa meeee! Today is Towelie's intervention.
We have no idea how he's going to react.
Come on, Towelie, it's right over here.
Towelie thinks he is on his way to the laundromat.
What's going on? You wanna come on over, have a seat with your friends? What is everybody doing here? We've all just been talking, Towelie and What I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck out of ya.
And they're gonna say say what they wanna say, then you can say what you wanna say, and we're done.
Okay? Towelie, over the past couple years I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways.
Oh, Jesus, man.
Towelie, you need to let him finish.
You're not the towel you used to be.
Where as you used to be Fluffy and absorbent, you now are crusty and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water.
Will you get help today? I don't -- I don't get this.
Kyle? Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catch phrases to a dried-out spewge-rag covered in the jiz of a thousand older men.
Can we just end this, please? You have to let him finish, Towelie.
If you do not accept treatment, I will no longer give you money, or be your friend.
I will not help you kill yourself.
Alright, Eric.
Do you want to go next? Kyle, I hate you so much.
You are a liar and a swindler who will do anything for money, and I -- we're here for Towelie, fat ass! I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right? The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle.
You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, who -- this is serious, you! I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello? Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions.
But he's just using his time on television to Kyle, please, it is not your turn.
You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society.
Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today? Oh, my God.
Talent show competition! It's a snap at Tardicaca camp to learn to do the hula hula dance.
I fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.
This poor little kid, why she never did a bit of lovin' before.
Get ready, Mimsy.
Blue team is about to go boom! Red team planted half a pound of c4 in Jimmy's ukulele.
It is set to go off during the ukulele solo of 'Tardicaca hula gal' so I made up my mind that I struck a find the Tardicaca gal I did adore.
Wow, wow, wow, I looove.
That little Tardicaca.
Hullaaaaa! She's the candy kid to wiggle.
Hulaaaa! She sure to make you giggle.
Hulllaaa! With her naughty little wiggle, some day -- I'm gonna try to make this Tardicaca galie mine, this galie mine.
Cause all the while I'm dreamin' of her my Tardicaca hula gal! Oh, sorry.
That's not right.
Hang on.
Der, I don't tink he's playin' da right note, boss.
The c4 ain't gonna go off -- shut up, Mimsy! If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I have presented enough evidence here to prove that they are, then we must unite as a species to fight them, and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom.
Okay, Stan.
You want to go next? Towelie, if you do not go to treatment we will all ignore you forever.
Will you go? What treatment? What are you all talking about? If you say yes, we leave here.
We pack your things, get on a plane, go to a treatment facility in Southern California that's all set up.
No! No! I'm not getting on a plane! This is! Don't give me ultimatums! I thought you were my friends! Well, Towelie, your friends don't want to watch you kill yourself anymore.
Then them! You're telling me I have to do this and I'm not left with any decisions here! Towelie! We aren't the only ones at this intervention who've been hurt by you! Who are you talking about? Washcloth? You brought washcloth? Oh that's low! Out on the beach with my dear little peach as the waves blowing in so high! Dammit! Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo and moved on to the second verse of 'Tardicaca hula gal' this has set back Nathan's plans immensely.
Mimsy! Get up there and demand the ukulele solo! It's our only chance! Dar, okay boss! If you get in a pinch go through it's a cinch! Dar wee want the ukulele solo! We want da ukulele solo! Sorry, Mims, I just can't remember it.
Well, we's wants ya to play it, don't we? Yeah.
Alright Mimsy, maybe you can show me how it's done.
Dar! Okay! It's real easy! You just play like dis! Mimsy! You idiot! What are you doing? Dar, I was going to show him how ta play it, boss.
That does it! I am sick and tired of your stupidity, Mimsy! You are the biggest idiot I have ever met, and from now on if I want to do something, I'm gonna do it myself! Nathan's frustration with Mimsy has caused a momentary lapse in judgement.
He has played the b flat himself, thus causing his plan to literally backfire on him.
Oof! Ugh.
Ahghg! Ahghghgh! No, not the shark again! Not the shark again! Oh washcloth! I'm so sorry! He needs you to get better, Towelie, please! You got so many people that just love the heck out of ya, Towelie.
Alright! Alright.
I'll go! You will? I don't want to hurt washcloth anymore! He's going everybody! Come on! Hugs! Poor wed team.
Their Captain weawy got waped.
I never seen a kid get screwed by a shark before.
I hope I never see it again, Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight.
And even though I was crowned king of cripple camp, I want you to know that you were the real ch-ch-champ! I hate you, Jimmy.
I hate you with everything in my entire being.
Dar, you sure got it stuck it to ya this year, boss! Shut up, Mimsy.
Towelie is going to ocean view terrace treatment center in Rancho Palos Verdes, California.
- Hi, Towelie? - Yeah, hi.
Towelie is defintely the most addicted towels we've ever seen here.
He's probable the second most psychologically damage towel I've come across, since treating Christine Ali's towel, which has seen some Some nasty staff.
I don't know what tommorow's gonna bring.
But I'm learning to love what I am.
I'm a towel.
Towelie finished treatment and is back living with his girlfriend Rebecca.
He has been sober since April 26th, 2010.
If you know a towel that is suffering from addiction,