Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e08 Episode Script
Camera Shy
I was wondering if? No, Howard! You haven't even heard it yet! It's only a small favour, Cleggy.
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
Come on, Cleggy, be reasonable! Just a little favour, Cleggy.
It's not much to ask.
You ought to be flattered, Cleggy.
I turn to you in emergencies.
It's a sign of trust and confidence.
Not to mention insanity(!) He talks to letter-boxes.
Personally, I think it's very endearing, people who talk to letter-boxes.
They don't have the kind of items they used to in these places.
I remember the great days - Nazi steel helmets, Japanese swords, SS daggers.
Makes your automatic tea-maker look a bit civilian, doesn't it? I still have me own souvenirs, y'know.
Oh, yes, several bayonet wounds for a start.
But me prize item is a Japanese flag I tore from the hands of a brute of an officer who was about to execute 14 natives.
I had to strangle him with me bare hands.
So there are one or two funny stains on the flag, but I keep 'em for sentimental reasons.
The natives, they were no end grateful, of course.
They begged me to stay with them after the war.
Well, I thought about it, but they didn't wear anything you could press or put a crease in.
There wasn't a damn thing in sight you'd dare to polish.
And it Keep away! Creepin' up on people.
Have you no sense?! Stop playin' hard to get! This thing is bigger than both of us.
Give us a kiss! Oh! Give us a kiss! I love it when she's mad! Pure Joan Crawford when she's mad! I don't WANT any! Ebony ice-cream.
It's a brand-new line.
I don't WANT any! It comes in five delicious flavours.
Well, go and take all five and pester somebody else! Hey-up, Smiler, what's that? I'm sellin' some new ice-cream.
What's new about it? It's black ice-cream.
BLACK?! It's a novelty.
It's available in five delicious flavours.
It could be the next new craze.
That's what I keep tellin' Nora Batty! Is it black all the way through? Absolutely.
Try some.
Try a little, Clegg.
After you.
What's it made of? Boot-polish?! It's just the same as any other ice-cream, except it's black.
Well, tha'll not get US tryin' it! I've got some free samples.
.
.
Unless tha's got free samples! What's the matter with you lot? AA-RR-GH! There's something in her window I'm tempted to buy.
I'M not going in.
I'M the one that's buying.
She won't allow spectators.
Once you're in, it's open season.
What's tha' buyin'? Only if the price is right.
Well, I'm stoppin' out here where it's safe.
All right, suit yourself.
I'm goin' to see what he's buying.
Don't say I didn't warn you! What could she sell me? I'm broke.
She'll find a way.
Oh-ho! Here.
What is it? It's a cup of tea.
She's givin' us a cup of tea.
She sent one out for thee.
Here.
How much? She said compliments of the establishment.
It's her new policy.
Oh, that's very kind of her.
Aye.
Dost that make thee feel rotten? True.
But not rotten enough to go inside.
The perfect mating of man and machine! It's certainly very snug.
It's like it was made for you.
But is the PRICE made for me? Rock-bottom.
I'm losing money on it.
It's a loss-leader.
We have to offer bargains to bring people in.
Trust you to spot the best value in the place.
I've been told I have an eye for these things.
Frightening! Life-like, isn't it? Terrific.
What's this button do here? It's no use asking me.
I'm just a simple old woman.
Oh, nailed you pretty quick, didn't she?! I wouldn't say that.
Got it at rock-bottom.
I practically stole it from her.
Ah.
Ah-ha! Well, it's life-like.
I thought you were broke.
I am now.
Oh! Whoo-oo-oo! Whoo-oo-oo! Yes, it's a lot like handling military equipment.
It's a lot like boring! It isn't as if I hadn't GOT a cup and saucer! I really think this is me.
I may have found my civilian role at last.
Yes, I'm going to have a flair for this, I can feel it.
How long are we gonna be stuck out here? Man's in a hurry to get home with his stuffed owl.
I still say that is life-like.
That's more than you can say for Auntie Wainwright.
She is murder! You can take these high-angle shots.
You don't even have to look! Who do you think it was, Howard? Somebody workin' for Pearl.
She must be employing detectives.
He was takin' photographs.
I had a feeling this morning.
I knew I should've had my hair done.
Somebody must've shopped us.
You can't trust anybody these days.
Where's the harm in restin' for a little while in the heather? Are you sure it was a detective? Who else would it be taking photographs? We're goin' to have to lie low for a while.
.
.
Lie low, Howard?! They're on to us! Well, I'm sure I have done nothing to be ashamed of.
.
.
For ages.
What's he gapin' at now? Well, it looks like a bit of Oh, yes, it's a bit of Ugh! I wouldn't MIND if the cup matched the saucer.
It's a first-class close-up lens, is this.
You can get really close.
You can see all that tiny jungle in the grass.
I could do with a close-up of a pint! You're broke.
Oh, I forgot.
Never mind.
It's not as if you're alone and broke.
You've got an owl.
With a little patience, you could capture all those life-and-death struggles in the grass.
I've had a few of THEM an' all in me time.
There was this bird that worked at Wimpey's.
Ooh! Oh, be quiet, will you? I'm concentrating on these small creatures.
The farmer won't know that three of his flock are out.
Round 'em up, lass! Get 'em back in the field! I can't stop.
I'm just tryin' to pass this lady, whoever she is.
Did you see that? Foggy Dewhurst had the camera! It was HIS camera! Foggy Dewhurst is a detective?! No, precious! You're a smooth talker, Howard! No, it means I was mistaken, love.
It wasn't a detective.
It was just Foggy Dewhurst foolin' about with a camera.
Does that mean we don't have to lie low? Not once we can get rid of that film.
Oh, Howard! .
.
Oh, Marina! DOG BARKS That's what I ought to be doing.
What, getting married?! Not getting married.
Taking photos.
Recording the event.
I could do it.
I've got the hang of things now.
Well, it's more than I had on MY wedding day.
I mean, look at that oaf! Are you calling that a family group? He's got no idea of arranging a group.
There's not one of 'em standing properly to attention.
Dost tha' reckon he's any good? I don't see why he should be.
He's never been any good at anything else.
Think he'd take an action shot of Nora Batty, eh? Oh, I'd love to have an action shot of Nora Batty.
Hoo-hoo! No problem.
Get the camera ready.
Well, come closer! No, this is all right.
If you're going to ring the bell, this is close enough.
I'm with him.
Come closer.
She'll only be mad till she sees the camera pointin'.
Tha' knows what women are like for photographs.
She'll go all girlish.
I don't see Nora Batty going all girlish.
I could see all ghoulish! That's true, yes.
She does a GREAT "ghoulish".
I'm tellin' thee.
They're all the same with a camera.
Don't forget - that one's got a lot of Joan Crawford in her.
The man's an imbecile.
Close.
Come closer! I've told you before about ringing my bell ! What's that? A camera.
It's a camera pointin' at ME.
He needn't point his camera at ME! Go away! Go on! I told thee she couldn't resist a camera! Give us a kiss! It'll make a great action shot, will that.
Me, Nora and Nora's brush.
I'd like a print of that.
In fact, I'd like an enlargement.
It could go on me dresser next to me ferrets.
Brings tears to your eyes, eh? Mm! Would anyone care for a cup of tea? First I'd better play back what I've filmed today for the benefit of Ragged Romeo here.
Where's your video-recorder, Clegg? A video-recorder?! What would a bloke with my electronic ineptitude be doing with a video-recorder? You're speaking to somebody who failed Meccano.
Remember the old phone boxes where you had to press Button B to get your money back? I never got past A.
Come in, Howard.
Sorry.
I thought you were a door.
I just wish he had a better flap to his letter-box.
He damn near rung me bell! It sounded a guilty knock to me.
What've you been up to? I don't know what you mean.
I was wondering if I could have a word.
Funny.
We were just coming to have a word with YOU.
With me? Certainly.
Look, if it concerns any rumours about me and a certain young lady, I can assure you they're without foundation.
Don't stand there looking pathetic, Howard.
Come on in.
Come on, spit it out! What is it you want, Howard? Come on.
The suspense is killing us.
Well, I couldn't help noticing you've been takin' pictures with the camera.
You see? The word's spreading.
I knew it would.
People can tell instinctively when something major is happening artistically.
The real training, the thing that gave me the eye, was painting all those eggs.
Cecil Beaton is alive and well.
He looks more like MRS Beeton! Ignore them, Howard.
Now don't be shy.
If you want me to film something for you, just say.
I'm available at reasonable prices.
I-It's not that.
I was wonderin' what it is you've already got on film.
And who you're goin' to show it to when you play it back.
He can't play it back.
He ain't got a video-recorder.
Exactly.
We wondered if we could borrow yours.
That's a good idea! I'll fetch it.
We can make sure what's on your film.
I'd feel much better if I knew what was on your film.
.
.
Come on! I'll go and fetch it.
I'm not having anything to do with it.
I still have nightmares about my toaster.
It went out-of-control.
I was alone in the house with a manic toaster.
There'll only be the four of us? You've not invited anybody else? Relax, Howard.
I've only got limited seating.
It's not the Roxy Cinema.
Here, that's an idea.
If this film is a success, we could give shows to selected audiences.
NO! We can't do that! Not till we've seen the film privately, just the four of us, and checked it out for technical quality.
Eeh, tha's lookin' ravishing today, Pearl! What's goin' on? Nothing.
I'm just helping these people.
To do what? We're just going to borrow the video-recorder.
Video-recorder? Aye, that square flat thing, tha' knows.
I know what it is.
I'll just go and get it.
GET it?! Where are you takin' it? Just to Cleggy's next-door.
I shan't touch it.
I promise I won't touch it.
It will be in capable hands.
I can strip a machine-gun in the dark.
Which gives you some idea of the state of his love-life! There's no point in trailing it next-door.
Come and watch it here.
No, we can't do that! I don't see why not.
It seems a perfectly reasonable solution.
Go and get the film.
BEE-E-EEP! CLASHING OF GEARS It's your father.
He's been movin' these pedals.
You're not putting your clutch in far enough.
It used to be far enough.
Your father's been movin' these pedals again.
SQUEAL OF TYRES We're here! - Why didn't we walk?! - Might as well do it the easy way.
I hope we never do it the HARD way! Come on in, ladies.
It's not just a coffee morning.
It's a film show of Foggy Dewhurst's home movies.
- That'll be a change! - I love watching home movies! I'm surprised you can SEE them! I've told you, he's been fiddlin' with them pedals again.
My Barry's good at home movies.
You never told me! They're just ordinary home movies.
Well, that's all right, then.
But if he starts suggestin' something "artistic", that wants stamping out.
Oh, Mother! It's gorgeous outside! It's far too nice to be indoors.
It's going to be oppressively hot in here.
I've got a great idea! Why don't we all go out for a picnic? Slot this in here .
.
and press "Play".
Er, can I sit next to Nora? No, you can't! What's tha' doin'?! Ssh! Keep your voice down! You've got to help me! By keepin' my voice down? You've got to stop him showin' that film! I'll give you £5 if you stop him showin' that film.
£5? Yes.
Why? What's ON the film? Oh, er, nothing, really.
But at a distance they might see something which could possibly be confused with some people they know.
£5 if you can stop it.
Make it ten.
.
.
OK, ten.
Don't worry! It's under control! DISTORTED SOUND OF HOOTING Can't you hold it steady? It'll settle down in a minute.
'Get the camera ready!' AA-HH! O-OH! OH-HH! Whatever's wrong? Is it catching? Ooh! You wouldn't think he could bend like that at his age! Whatever it is, it's nothing he's eaten at MY place.
Oh, me ferret! She's throwin' a tantrum! What's he carryin' a ferret for? It's my favourite ferret, if you don't mind! .
.
OOH! 'With these high-angle shots you don't even have to look.
' She's a little terrier! She gets bored.
'You could capture all those life-and-death struggles' Oh, not down there! You RUINED my film show! I ruined it? You couldn't see a damn thing anyroad.
I was just getting into the swing of it.
It was swinging all right! Hey, where are we going? We're goin' for a drink.
I am goin' to buy us all a drinky-poo.
You're going to buy us a drink?! What a performance! Of course, I didn't believe it for a minute.
Nobody carries around a live ferret.
It was a great impression, though.
He overdid it.
I knew he was just pretending.
Nobody carries a live ferret.
BBC - 1992
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
Come on, Cleggy, be reasonable! Just a little favour, Cleggy.
It's not much to ask.
You ought to be flattered, Cleggy.
I turn to you in emergencies.
It's a sign of trust and confidence.
Not to mention insanity(!) He talks to letter-boxes.
Personally, I think it's very endearing, people who talk to letter-boxes.
They don't have the kind of items they used to in these places.
I remember the great days - Nazi steel helmets, Japanese swords, SS daggers.
Makes your automatic tea-maker look a bit civilian, doesn't it? I still have me own souvenirs, y'know.
Oh, yes, several bayonet wounds for a start.
But me prize item is a Japanese flag I tore from the hands of a brute of an officer who was about to execute 14 natives.
I had to strangle him with me bare hands.
So there are one or two funny stains on the flag, but I keep 'em for sentimental reasons.
The natives, they were no end grateful, of course.
They begged me to stay with them after the war.
Well, I thought about it, but they didn't wear anything you could press or put a crease in.
There wasn't a damn thing in sight you'd dare to polish.
And it Keep away! Creepin' up on people.
Have you no sense?! Stop playin' hard to get! This thing is bigger than both of us.
Give us a kiss! Oh! Give us a kiss! I love it when she's mad! Pure Joan Crawford when she's mad! I don't WANT any! Ebony ice-cream.
It's a brand-new line.
I don't WANT any! It comes in five delicious flavours.
Well, go and take all five and pester somebody else! Hey-up, Smiler, what's that? I'm sellin' some new ice-cream.
What's new about it? It's black ice-cream.
BLACK?! It's a novelty.
It's available in five delicious flavours.
It could be the next new craze.
That's what I keep tellin' Nora Batty! Is it black all the way through? Absolutely.
Try some.
Try a little, Clegg.
After you.
What's it made of? Boot-polish?! It's just the same as any other ice-cream, except it's black.
Well, tha'll not get US tryin' it! I've got some free samples.
.
.
Unless tha's got free samples! What's the matter with you lot? AA-RR-GH! There's something in her window I'm tempted to buy.
I'M not going in.
I'M the one that's buying.
She won't allow spectators.
Once you're in, it's open season.
What's tha' buyin'? Only if the price is right.
Well, I'm stoppin' out here where it's safe.
All right, suit yourself.
I'm goin' to see what he's buying.
Don't say I didn't warn you! What could she sell me? I'm broke.
She'll find a way.
Oh-ho! Here.
What is it? It's a cup of tea.
She's givin' us a cup of tea.
She sent one out for thee.
Here.
How much? She said compliments of the establishment.
It's her new policy.
Oh, that's very kind of her.
Aye.
Dost that make thee feel rotten? True.
But not rotten enough to go inside.
The perfect mating of man and machine! It's certainly very snug.
It's like it was made for you.
But is the PRICE made for me? Rock-bottom.
I'm losing money on it.
It's a loss-leader.
We have to offer bargains to bring people in.
Trust you to spot the best value in the place.
I've been told I have an eye for these things.
Frightening! Life-like, isn't it? Terrific.
What's this button do here? It's no use asking me.
I'm just a simple old woman.
Oh, nailed you pretty quick, didn't she?! I wouldn't say that.
Got it at rock-bottom.
I practically stole it from her.
Ah.
Ah-ha! Well, it's life-like.
I thought you were broke.
I am now.
Oh! Whoo-oo-oo! Whoo-oo-oo! Yes, it's a lot like handling military equipment.
It's a lot like boring! It isn't as if I hadn't GOT a cup and saucer! I really think this is me.
I may have found my civilian role at last.
Yes, I'm going to have a flair for this, I can feel it.
How long are we gonna be stuck out here? Man's in a hurry to get home with his stuffed owl.
I still say that is life-like.
That's more than you can say for Auntie Wainwright.
She is murder! You can take these high-angle shots.
You don't even have to look! Who do you think it was, Howard? Somebody workin' for Pearl.
She must be employing detectives.
He was takin' photographs.
I had a feeling this morning.
I knew I should've had my hair done.
Somebody must've shopped us.
You can't trust anybody these days.
Where's the harm in restin' for a little while in the heather? Are you sure it was a detective? Who else would it be taking photographs? We're goin' to have to lie low for a while.
.
.
Lie low, Howard?! They're on to us! Well, I'm sure I have done nothing to be ashamed of.
.
.
For ages.
What's he gapin' at now? Well, it looks like a bit of Oh, yes, it's a bit of Ugh! I wouldn't MIND if the cup matched the saucer.
It's a first-class close-up lens, is this.
You can get really close.
You can see all that tiny jungle in the grass.
I could do with a close-up of a pint! You're broke.
Oh, I forgot.
Never mind.
It's not as if you're alone and broke.
You've got an owl.
With a little patience, you could capture all those life-and-death struggles in the grass.
I've had a few of THEM an' all in me time.
There was this bird that worked at Wimpey's.
Ooh! Oh, be quiet, will you? I'm concentrating on these small creatures.
The farmer won't know that three of his flock are out.
Round 'em up, lass! Get 'em back in the field! I can't stop.
I'm just tryin' to pass this lady, whoever she is.
Did you see that? Foggy Dewhurst had the camera! It was HIS camera! Foggy Dewhurst is a detective?! No, precious! You're a smooth talker, Howard! No, it means I was mistaken, love.
It wasn't a detective.
It was just Foggy Dewhurst foolin' about with a camera.
Does that mean we don't have to lie low? Not once we can get rid of that film.
Oh, Howard! .
.
Oh, Marina! DOG BARKS That's what I ought to be doing.
What, getting married?! Not getting married.
Taking photos.
Recording the event.
I could do it.
I've got the hang of things now.
Well, it's more than I had on MY wedding day.
I mean, look at that oaf! Are you calling that a family group? He's got no idea of arranging a group.
There's not one of 'em standing properly to attention.
Dost tha' reckon he's any good? I don't see why he should be.
He's never been any good at anything else.
Think he'd take an action shot of Nora Batty, eh? Oh, I'd love to have an action shot of Nora Batty.
Hoo-hoo! No problem.
Get the camera ready.
Well, come closer! No, this is all right.
If you're going to ring the bell, this is close enough.
I'm with him.
Come closer.
She'll only be mad till she sees the camera pointin'.
Tha' knows what women are like for photographs.
She'll go all girlish.
I don't see Nora Batty going all girlish.
I could see all ghoulish! That's true, yes.
She does a GREAT "ghoulish".
I'm tellin' thee.
They're all the same with a camera.
Don't forget - that one's got a lot of Joan Crawford in her.
The man's an imbecile.
Close.
Come closer! I've told you before about ringing my bell ! What's that? A camera.
It's a camera pointin' at ME.
He needn't point his camera at ME! Go away! Go on! I told thee she couldn't resist a camera! Give us a kiss! It'll make a great action shot, will that.
Me, Nora and Nora's brush.
I'd like a print of that.
In fact, I'd like an enlargement.
It could go on me dresser next to me ferrets.
Brings tears to your eyes, eh? Mm! Would anyone care for a cup of tea? First I'd better play back what I've filmed today for the benefit of Ragged Romeo here.
Where's your video-recorder, Clegg? A video-recorder?! What would a bloke with my electronic ineptitude be doing with a video-recorder? You're speaking to somebody who failed Meccano.
Remember the old phone boxes where you had to press Button B to get your money back? I never got past A.
Come in, Howard.
Sorry.
I thought you were a door.
I just wish he had a better flap to his letter-box.
He damn near rung me bell! It sounded a guilty knock to me.
What've you been up to? I don't know what you mean.
I was wondering if I could have a word.
Funny.
We were just coming to have a word with YOU.
With me? Certainly.
Look, if it concerns any rumours about me and a certain young lady, I can assure you they're without foundation.
Don't stand there looking pathetic, Howard.
Come on in.
Come on, spit it out! What is it you want, Howard? Come on.
The suspense is killing us.
Well, I couldn't help noticing you've been takin' pictures with the camera.
You see? The word's spreading.
I knew it would.
People can tell instinctively when something major is happening artistically.
The real training, the thing that gave me the eye, was painting all those eggs.
Cecil Beaton is alive and well.
He looks more like MRS Beeton! Ignore them, Howard.
Now don't be shy.
If you want me to film something for you, just say.
I'm available at reasonable prices.
I-It's not that.
I was wonderin' what it is you've already got on film.
And who you're goin' to show it to when you play it back.
He can't play it back.
He ain't got a video-recorder.
Exactly.
We wondered if we could borrow yours.
That's a good idea! I'll fetch it.
We can make sure what's on your film.
I'd feel much better if I knew what was on your film.
.
.
Come on! I'll go and fetch it.
I'm not having anything to do with it.
I still have nightmares about my toaster.
It went out-of-control.
I was alone in the house with a manic toaster.
There'll only be the four of us? You've not invited anybody else? Relax, Howard.
I've only got limited seating.
It's not the Roxy Cinema.
Here, that's an idea.
If this film is a success, we could give shows to selected audiences.
NO! We can't do that! Not till we've seen the film privately, just the four of us, and checked it out for technical quality.
Eeh, tha's lookin' ravishing today, Pearl! What's goin' on? Nothing.
I'm just helping these people.
To do what? We're just going to borrow the video-recorder.
Video-recorder? Aye, that square flat thing, tha' knows.
I know what it is.
I'll just go and get it.
GET it?! Where are you takin' it? Just to Cleggy's next-door.
I shan't touch it.
I promise I won't touch it.
It will be in capable hands.
I can strip a machine-gun in the dark.
Which gives you some idea of the state of his love-life! There's no point in trailing it next-door.
Come and watch it here.
No, we can't do that! I don't see why not.
It seems a perfectly reasonable solution.
Go and get the film.
BEE-E-EEP! CLASHING OF GEARS It's your father.
He's been movin' these pedals.
You're not putting your clutch in far enough.
It used to be far enough.
Your father's been movin' these pedals again.
SQUEAL OF TYRES We're here! - Why didn't we walk?! - Might as well do it the easy way.
I hope we never do it the HARD way! Come on in, ladies.
It's not just a coffee morning.
It's a film show of Foggy Dewhurst's home movies.
- That'll be a change! - I love watching home movies! I'm surprised you can SEE them! I've told you, he's been fiddlin' with them pedals again.
My Barry's good at home movies.
You never told me! They're just ordinary home movies.
Well, that's all right, then.
But if he starts suggestin' something "artistic", that wants stamping out.
Oh, Mother! It's gorgeous outside! It's far too nice to be indoors.
It's going to be oppressively hot in here.
I've got a great idea! Why don't we all go out for a picnic? Slot this in here .
.
and press "Play".
Er, can I sit next to Nora? No, you can't! What's tha' doin'?! Ssh! Keep your voice down! You've got to help me! By keepin' my voice down? You've got to stop him showin' that film! I'll give you £5 if you stop him showin' that film.
£5? Yes.
Why? What's ON the film? Oh, er, nothing, really.
But at a distance they might see something which could possibly be confused with some people they know.
£5 if you can stop it.
Make it ten.
.
.
OK, ten.
Don't worry! It's under control! DISTORTED SOUND OF HOOTING Can't you hold it steady? It'll settle down in a minute.
'Get the camera ready!' AA-HH! O-OH! OH-HH! Whatever's wrong? Is it catching? Ooh! You wouldn't think he could bend like that at his age! Whatever it is, it's nothing he's eaten at MY place.
Oh, me ferret! She's throwin' a tantrum! What's he carryin' a ferret for? It's my favourite ferret, if you don't mind! .
.
OOH! 'With these high-angle shots you don't even have to look.
' She's a little terrier! She gets bored.
'You could capture all those life-and-death struggles' Oh, not down there! You RUINED my film show! I ruined it? You couldn't see a damn thing anyroad.
I was just getting into the swing of it.
It was swinging all right! Hey, where are we going? We're goin' for a drink.
I am goin' to buy us all a drinky-poo.
You're going to buy us a drink?! What a performance! Of course, I didn't believe it for a minute.
Nobody carries around a live ferret.
It was a great impression, though.
He overdid it.
I knew he was just pretending.
Nobody carries a live ferret.
BBC - 1992