South Park s14e08 Episode Script

Orijinal script: I'm goin' down to south park gonna have myself a time Friendly faces everywhere humble folks without temptation Goin' down to south park gonna leave my woes behind Ample parking day or night people shouting howdy neighbor Heading on up to south park gonna see if I can't unwind Come on down to south park and nothing.
SOUTH PARK ELMENTARY Cartman, dude, what is wrong? Nothing.
Just leave me alone, okay? Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break.
Something's going on.
It's just that essay that Garrison assigned us.
What I wanna be when I grow up? I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright? Why not? Because when I grow up I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan.
Cartman, tell us.
I wanna be a Nascar driver, okay? When I see the car races on TV, those loud engines, the peeling wheels.
It's so cool.
Well, Cartman, if you want to drive Nascar when you grow up, you can.
Oh right, someone like me can be a Nascar driver! Look at me! You really think someone like this, can ever become an awesome, famous Nascar driver? Aw, Cartman, you can change things about yourself.
No, I can't.
I'll always be like this.
Dude, no, you don't know that.
Come on you guys.
I have to face facts.
Nascar is only for poor and stupid people.
I don't have what it takes.
What? I'm not poor and stupid enough to do Nascar and I never will be.
Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like Nascar.
Oh really? Hey, hey, Kenny! - You love Nascar, huh.
- Yeah, dude I love Nascar! You see? I told you guys, what's the use? It's just it's hopeless! Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid.
I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack.
Dude, you are so retarded! Thanks, Stan, but even if I was, I'd still be too rich.
How are you rich? Your mom pays for everything.
You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me.
I believe that you're a broke, ignorant, idiot! Then maybe I can make myself believe it, too.
Thank you guys.
I'm gonna go chase a dream.
- Butters.
- Hey Eric.
Butters, the guys have been talking to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up.
I'm psyched, Butters.
I'm about to do something big and I'm psyched! Okay! But I'm gonna need your help.
Can you get psyched? - You gonna get psyched up? - Yeah, I'm psyched! - Get really psyched up, Butters! - I'm really psyched! Yeah, yeah.
Let's do this! I'm pumped! I'm psyched! I'm going to become a Nascar driver, Butters.
- I'm going for the gold.
- Nascar.
I know, I'm not poor and stupid enough, but I can change that, Butters.
Here.
I want you to take all my money.
Every bit of it, Butters.
You're givin' away all your money? Just get rid of it, Butters.
Don't tell me where you spend it, and don't ever let me have it back.
From this moment on, I am poor, like Kenny.
You sure you want to do this? I told you I'm serious, Butters.
This is my shot.
I'm gonna get as poor and stupid as I possibly can.
All right, folks.
We wanna thank you all for coming out and supporting Nascar.
Yeah! So cool! Now who's ready for Saturday's Big Race? We are really excited to be part of the fastest growing sport in America! Now I don't know about you, but I am thrilled to watch Nascar finally becoming a recognized as a respected, legitimate sport! Yeah! Hello! Excuse me! I know that you Nascar people don't have very much.
So I went out and bought you all $58 worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! I helped the needy! I tell you what.
It's raining cats and dogs outside.
Mostly cats.
I just wish I brought an umbrella.
- Hey Eric! - Ah, Butters! Did you give away all my money? You don't have a penny left! You're poor as shit.
How come you're hanging upside down? I need to get stupid, Butters.
I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watching a marathon of "Two and a Half Men.
" Hey, that's a hot girl over there.
Sure, she's hot.
She's wearing a sweater! - Feel stupid yet? - Not yet.
When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to vagisil.
Oh, god dammit.
Another vagisil commercial? To stop femine itching and relieve vaginal odors.
Fucking gross! All those ladies have stinky vaginas? If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor.
In some cases, vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.
For the freshest, cleanest femine area, do what others women do? Did you hear that? In some cases, vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.
Oh my god, Butters! We need vagisil.
Vagisil, vagisil maximum strength, vagisil wash, vagisil medicated wipes.
Gee wiz! There's vagi-everythings! Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of them, Butters.
- I'm buyin'? - I'm totally poor, Butters.
Did you forget? But I I didn't bring any money.
I didn't know I had to buy vagisil.
God damn it, Butters! All right, just just keep a lookout.
I'll try it here.
Look that way and make sure the cashier doesn't see me! - Is anybody coming? - No, you're good.
Little boy, what are you doing? Oh my god, Butters! I feel kind of stupid! - Really? - Yes! Yes, I'm feeling totally stupid right now! That was fast! Grab what you can and let's get out of here.
I'm ready.
We are just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300! Excuse me! Mr.
Evans, sir? Your your wife is on the phone.
She just got raped.
- What? - Yeah, she got raped a lot, and you gotta talk to her.
Oh my god! Sweet! Nice work, Butters.
Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing.
Eric, are you sure you can do this? Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid.
I'm ready for Nascar.
Let the race begin! Let's go Nascar! I'm not moving, Butters.
- I think you gotta press the gas pedal.
- What's that? There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot.
Oh, okay.
Let's go Nascar! It looks like Dale Evans' car is going the wrong way! Cool, Nascar! Sweeet! Oh fuck my ass! Eric? All that work, all the effort I put in, I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.
Eric, you were as poor and stupid as you could be.
Don't you get it, Butters? It's never going to happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be! I might as well kill myself.
Eric! Don't ever talk like that! I've given away all my money! Drank enough vagisil to kill every brain cell I have, but it still wasn't enough! All right, Eric, we got the X-Rays back.
How bad is it, doctor? He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees and a level two concussion.
He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean.
Well, at least there's that.
Just pull the plug on me, doctor.
I don't want to live like this.
You aren't on life support.
Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.
Oh donkey balls.
You are lucky to be alive, young man.
Sneaking onto a Nascar racetrack, and hijacking a car for a joyride.
That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing.
Thanks, doc, but you aren't going to make me feel any better.
No, really.
Of all the idiotic, dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid.
Could it be I only lost the race because I just somehow wasn't poor enough? It has to be, Eric.
Eric, where are you going? Get me my coat, Butters.
We're gonna try this thing again.
You're watching Colorado Fox 11.
Next on Fox 11 news, are Nascar fans stupid? Some people are starting to wonder after a Nascar fan apparently got high on vagisil and snuck onto the track killing 11 people.
Tom, the Nascar fan got into a car here on sunday and crashed in the lake behind me.
He was later found to have ingested this, maximum strength vagisil, and also vagisil medicated wipes.
Making Nascar fans look pretty stupid, Tom.
No! Nascar fans aren't stupid.
Cartman is! The Nascar fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he will win.
Oh that fucking asshole! Oh hey, Kenny! Dude, what the fucking are doing.
Come in, dude, I wanna show you what I've been working on! Check it out! I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family.
But then I realized, what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? Dude, fuck you! Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at Nascar.
Being poor has nothing to do with Nascar! Hey, I love Nascar just as much as you do! No you fucking don't! Oh it's so easy for you, isn't it, Kenny? I've had to become poor all on my own, you know? I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.
What? I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years myself, I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do.
Look, Kenny, Kenny.
We shouldn't be fighting.
We both love Nascar and we're both poor as shit.
Uhh, excuse me? - Eric Cartman? - Yeah.
My name is Geoff Hammil.
I'm the founder and C.
E.
O.
of vagisil.
Young man, your Nascar stunt has brought a lot of attention to vagisil, and honestly, I don't know how to thank you.
Our sales are up, and all women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated.
I first created vagisil for my wife, Patty.
She's my muse, my flame.
We realize that Nascar can do a lot for product recognition, and so vagisil has a little present for you.
Oh sweet! No way! This is so tits! Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next Nascar race! Dude, check it out Kenny! My very own Nascar! No fucking way.
And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child.
Oh cool, huh Kenny! I got a Nascar, Kenny! So awesome, huh Kenny? We are now live at the Nascar press conference where the drivers of saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters.
So what's your guys' take on the track here, any concerns? Well, I think it's a fine track.
You know the techs have done a really good job of making sure The banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problem Yeah, we like this track, yup.
We gotta graftin' banks and specs and it's like an oval so we're gonna drive straight and then we need and we're gonna be turnin' to the left.
Uh, they're saying hot weather tomorrow.
Any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems? Of course, any time you're dealing with high humidity you need to compensate your brake fluid but the plates themselves compensate yer brake fluid and get your, your brake working so you can stop sometimes.
Excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver? Uuuh, bring it aw-n earnhard.
You scared a competition? I'm just as poor and stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes! Can we just get back to the subject of racing, please? Oho, bring it aw-n Danica, you dumb bitch.
Think I can't steer left better than you? You seemed really stupid, Eric! Thanks, B-Buds.
I really think I can hold my own against these guys.
Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy, though.
He seems dumber than spit.
And that Danica Patrick chick? Whew, we're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters.
Both of us.
All right from the NFL we now turn to the world of Nascar.
People who weren't sure what to think of Nascar are more sure today after a Nascar driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast.
All right, what's up Nascar fans? I don't know about ya'll but this President Obama is pissin' me off.
So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind.
Today I'm gonna be dippin' vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream.
Yeah, that's a big digger right there.
So I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out.
I found this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline.
What the fuck is up with that? That's fucking gay.
Fucking gay as hell.
Ya'll know my pit boss, Butters.
Obama's fucking gay.
He's fucking gay as hell.
Pisses me off.
So ya'll be sure to catch us in our next race.
We're about as poor and stupid as fucking they come so come down and cheer for us at Nascar on saturday.
Obama's gay as hell! Well, if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that Nascar really is just for the poor and the stupid.
The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the Nascar year.
Lots of speculation and interest in the vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman.
We're joined now by the inventor and owner of vagisil, Geoff Hammil.
Thank you, Chris.
Geoff, why did you decide to sponsor a Nascar driver? Vagisil is very excited to be part of the Nascar phenomenon, Chris.
You know I first created vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty.
She is my muse, my flame.
Wherever Patty goes, her smile lights up the room.
Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.
Okay.
Well, the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track.
Gentlemen, start your engines! All right, start your engines.
What's that mean? That means ya flip the switch that says engine! Is he stupid, or what? Yeah, he's a champion all right! Check your bag, please, sir.
No, no.
See this won't do.
You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track.
Aw, come on! Look, Nascar is trying to change its image.
It's people like you that are giving Nascar a bad name.
Oh, whatever fuck you.
You might be able to buy one in the giftshop.
The drivers are slowly headin' out to follow the pace car.
All right.
I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward.
Nascar! Yeah! This is just the pace lap.
You don't go full speed yet! Yeah, just a pace lap.
Gotta hit the brake.
What the fuck are you doing? Fuck you Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! Aw, son of a bitch! Ain't nobody can stop me! And it looks like the vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race.
Yeah, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this.
What do you think, Mr.
Hammil? vagisil is a company that really stands behind it's product, Chris.
We want women to know that vagisil is effective, safe for use every day.
Every day.
Every day.
And available nationwide.
Be careful up here by 100 yards, Eric.
There's a wrecked car on the right side.
You gonna wanna watch for you You see that? Danica Patrick tried to get in my way.
That pisses me off.
That's fucking gay as hell.
Oohp, I'm comin' up on that turn thingie again.
I gotta steer left! Get out of the way, you idiots.
I'm tryin' to win this damn thing.
There you go.
You're back on the track.
I'm back on the track! What the Kenny? What the hell are you doing? Fuck you dude! Get off my car, Kenny! Fuck you! Pull over! Oh man! Now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield.
Ain't that just gay as hell.
We're tradin' paint! Oh, it's so easy for you, isn't it, Kenny? I have to prove myself! I hate you.
Sorry, dude, I'm winning this race.
With the brake.
Bye, Kenny! Oh, jesus, there's a little boy on the track! Well, it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the vagisil car remains.
Looks like you're going to win, Mr.
Hammil.
This is such a great day for vagisil, Chris.
Our product awareness will be at an all-time high.
Femine odor must be treated diligently, very diligently.
Patty? Patty? It looks like a woman is trying to take over for jimmie johnson's car! What? Ma'am, you are on an active racetrack.
This is extremely dangerous.
Let me talk to her! Patty! Patty what are you doing? Patty, pull over the Nascar.
You're acting irrationally.
Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your vagisil.
There should be some in your purse, my muse.
Patty! Agh, you dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck my car! I know! That pisses me off! That's fucking gay.
Fucking gay as hell.
Patty, you are my muse and my flame.
They're neck and neck approaching the finish line! Fuck my ass again! And celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement Team.
Patty! How could you? You've ruined us! You've ruined vagisil! You fucking lose! No, no Kenny.
Go ahead.
I deserve it.
I thought I could just waltz into a racetrack and do what these people do.
But I owe you an apologie.
The truth is I'm just too smart.
And with how smart I am, I always be succesful therefore have money.
I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for Nascar.
It's time for me to give it up.
All right, Butters.
Give me back my money.
I gave you.
I want it back.
But you say God damn it, Butters.
You better have it.