Family Guy s14e09 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, great idea bringing the couch out here from your den, Peter.
Yeah, Lois and I dragged it out here last night for a little hump sesh, so I figured I'd let it dry.
"Couch.
" That's one of those words that if you say it over and over it starts to sound silly.
Joe, you need to take a class on small talk.
You're not gonna believe this-- I'm in one.
It sure is cloudy today.
Good.
You could have also responded to Janet, who said her son died.
I'm sorry your son died on such a cloudy day.
All right, kids, here's your bacon.
I call the paper towel! Aw, damn it! Ha-ha! You got to move fast when Meg's at the table, Brian.
All right, well, I get the box when we have pizza for dinner.
(muffled): Uh-uh.
It doesn't work that way.
You got to call it when it's happening.
Good morning, family.
I'll be out front with the guys if anybody needs me.
Peter, I thought we were gonna try to get the garden going again today.
I know, sweetie, but then I realized how stupid that is.
Okay, bye.
You guys are my everything.
Why'd you ever marry him? Believe it or not, he used to look like a young Gene Hackman.
That's that-that's not even good.
It's gone! What? What's gone? Our drinking couch! Somebody must've stole it! You left a couch out on the curb? Well, somebody probably thought it was trash and took it.
You said you were gonna bring the couch right back in! What were you thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking.
I was thinking we lived in a safe neighborhood.
But apparently, I was wrong! Wait, you're saying you were wr-wr wr-wro wr-wrrr Oh, I get it-- the Fonz can't say "wrong.
" No, Peter, he's 70-- he's having a stroke.
Wow, Peter, I think starting a community watch is a great idea.
Yeah, I even got shirts made up for us.
This is quality work.
Where did you get these? Via the Web? Hey, listen, Joe, um, you think you can get us all guns? No, Peter, they're too dangerous.
Besides, you can't just go get a gun, you have to be certified in gun safety, go through an extensive background screening process.
Got 'em.
Whoa.
How'd you get 'em so quick? Eh, it was easy-- like pressing that "easy" button at the office supply store.
Hey, thanks for all your help.
No problem.
Why don't you go ahead and hit the "easy" button.
Okay.
What did I just do? Don't worry about it.
Hey, Quagmire, you're a sex guy.
You watch any good, uh pornos lately? I mean I-I guess.
So what's your pleasure? What kind of movies you like? I don't know.
MILF stuff's kind of cool.
What-what about you? Me? I have very particular tastes.
I like a soapy bottom.
What? Soft-core soaped-up butts, like from a PG-13 camp movie.
I can't get enough of it.
Drives me wild.
Okay, let's talk about something else.
All right.
Uh it's kind of too cool for the air-conditioner and too warm for the heater, huh? (groans) Ah, got to walk that boner off, huh? Yeah.
Hey, guys, you better come with me.
There's some weird, big-nose guy hiding in the bushes outside some chick's house.
(whispering inaudibly) "My heart always timidly hides itself behind my mind.
" (whispers) "I set out to bring down stars from the sky" (punches landing) "Ow.
Ow.
"Oh, my God, four men are beating me.
"My arm.
I think it is broken.
"Who are you guys? "Why? Why? "I'll give you anything if you would only stop hitting me.
"Please stop pulling my nose.
"It is not fake.
"I think I am dying.
Please take me to the hospital.
" Your words have bewitched me.
I need your arms around me.
(whispers): Come to my chamber at once.
"Come to my chamber at once.
" And bring pound cake.
"And bring pound cake.
" Peter, please come to bed.
Enough of the community watch.
We live on a very safe street.
Lois, you wouldn't believe the things we see out there.
There was a kid riding his bike while holding a tennis racket.
For real.
Come on! Let's fool around, or watch a movie, or finally click that "Crackle" icon on the TV.
Lois, I am an unelected vigilante, and I take my job very seriously.
Like Serious George.
Hey, George, want to go to the park? Uh, thank you, but no.
It's a beautiful day-- lots of mischief to get into.
I don't doubt that, but as you can see, I'm pretty busy.
I'm trying to get a head start on my taxes.
Oh, I see-- trying to figure out a way to deduct bananas? Ah.
'Cause I eat bananas.
Terrific.
Hey, your inside, so don't wear a hat.
Unless you're leaving, which would be terrific also.
(crickets chirping) (clacking) What the hell? Hey, you! (clacking) Step away from that table.
(chuckling): Brain fart.
Window.
Sorry.
Hold it right there! I'm warning you! Hands where I could see 'em.
Cleveland Jr.
?! Mr.
Griffin! You shot me! Oh, my God! LOIS (calls): Peter, where are you? Peter? Okay, I'm starting The Good Wife without you.
Phew! Heh.
Unlike you, I just dodged a bullet.
Okay, next is the brown family.
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
Sometimes I write descriptions of my patients to help me remember them.
No, it's okay.
Our last name is Brown.
(exhales): Oh, okay.
Phew.
Ah, then this must be "Chubster Dumb-Dumb.
" (loud clattering) NURSE: I'm sorry, sir.
No visitors.
Excuse me, I'll have you know I'm the shooter! So, uh, how's he doing? "How's he doing"?! How do you think he's doing! You shot my son! Look, Cleveland, I-I'm real sorry.
I thought someone was breaking into your house, and I panicked.
It was dark.
I-I I don't know why he didn't just say it was him.
I couldn't hear you.
I was listening to music, I went to turn it down, and the next thing I know.
you shot me! Why the hell were you climbing in the window of your own house anyway? My dad says opening the door lets out too much air-conditioning.
I already have a bullet in my son, I don't need one in my wallet.
You wouldn't have fired that gun if he was white! That's not true-- I'll shoot anybody.
Joe, give me your gun.
Here you go Hey, wait a second! Look, let's all just calm down.
Calm down?! I want this racist out the room, and I want him arrested! Racist? I put these gloves on for everybody.
Oh, oh, you're talking to him.
Look, the police department has deemed the shooting accidental.
Given the circumstances, Peter was within his rights to fire his weapon.
And what about my son's rights not to be shot?! Look, Cleveland Lat Latisha? I thought he had a gun.
I'd never want to do anything to hurt you or your family.
You're my friend.
I was your friend.
Now, get out of here! You're nothing but a worthless bigot! Wow, I really messed up.
I haven't felt this bad since I drove by that speed sign.
Aw Hey, does anybody know if Cleveland's coming by? I was hoping to apologize and collect his deposit for the community watch shirts.
I talked to him earlier.
He, uh, he doesn't want to be anywhere near you.
Hey, look-- they're talking about the shooting.
Good evening.
Two nights ago there was a shooting right here in our own backyard.
The victim: a 14-year-old boy named Cleveland Brown Jr.
Joining me tonight is his father, Cleveland Brown.
So that's not really Quahog? It's just a big picture? Now, Mr.
Brown, I understand you're trying to get the police to reopen the investigation.
That's right, Tom.
My family and I believe this shooting was a hate crime, and we'd like to see Mr.
Griffin held accountable for his actions.
Hate crime? That's crazy! I love all people! I love blacks, I love Asians hell, I even love gay Aborigines.
(blowing deep tone) (blowing deep tone) (electronic dance beat playing) Wow, this is just great, Peter.
Everyone in town hates us now.
The cashier at the grocery store told her to "push on," and then she snapped her fingers, and now I think she's my new favorite lady in the world.
I don't understand.
I'm not a racist.
It's well documented that my dream three-way is S.
Epatha Merkerson and CCH Pounder.
S.
, this is CCH.
CCH, this is S.
It is my intention that we conduct this with both sexiness and dignity.
Peter, this is a hot-button issue.
I mean, you shot an African-American kid.
Of course this isn't just gonna go away.
Well, there's got to be something I can do to make things right.
I'll just have to prove to everybody that I'm not a racist.
How are you gonna do that? Well, for starters, I'm gonna head over to the YMCA.
There's nothing black guys like more than out-of-shape indoor-basketball white guys.
(derisive laughter) Hey! I'm trying my best here.
And trying is what matters most of all.
You're right, Peter.
We need to give you a chance, no matter what color your skin is.
Come on, let's play some ball.
"and then Peter and his new friends went for ice cream.
" The end.
Okay, kids, are your parents out of the room? Good.
Let's get back to Sloppy Floppers magazine.
What are you doing? Lois, to show I'm in touch with what it's like to be African-American, I am gonna go to the middle of the town square, get naked and paint myself brown.
No, no, that's offensive.
You can't pretend to be black.
That's a stupid idea.
What? It's a stupid idea! You're a stupid man! A stupid, stupid man! Ow, you're hurting me! Stop it, stop it, Lois! No! I'm so sick of your crap.
Why do you always do these stupid things? And why do you always announce them to me before you do them? Are you trying to get a rise out of me? Are you happy now? Is this what you want? Oh, no, it's not what I want! It's not what I want.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
(Peter sobbing) It's never been this bad before.
What do we do? What we always do.
I'm in charge of my head-- that much I know! What the hell are you doing on my property? Look, it's time we bury the hatchet.
So I brought a bottle of your favorite booze.
Now let's just have a drink and put this all behind us.
I don't want nothing from you.
Well, hold on, I got something else.
Cigars.
We can smoke 'em together, all happy, like a bunch of douche bags outside a wedding.
Peter, get out of here.
I'm never gonna forgive you for what you did.
Aw, come on.
This'll change your mind.
Oh, my God! Quick, do something! It's not working.
Get rid of it! (all murmuring) (all gasp) Get your family out of that house! If they don't leave, they'll die.
Round up your family and get out or you're all gonna be sorry.
Get out, now! (all gasp) See, kids, I told you we'd make friends here.
I guess me getting transferred by the Xerox Corporation wasn't the worst thing after all.
(loud, overlapping shouting) (siren toots) (loud, overlapping shouting) Oh, thank God, Joe.
Are you here to give me the deposit for the shirts? No, Peter, I'm here to place you under arrest for the attempted murder of Cleveland Junior.
What are you talkin' about? You know it was an accident.
Yeah, but let's just say, public opinion has shifted.
And the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.
Who the hell are the "boys upstairs?" I have no idea.
There's no elevator.
But whoever they are, they're pretty steamed about this whole thing.
Peter, what-what's going on? They're taking me to jail! Oh, my God! Don't worry, Dad! I'll send you a cake with a file in it! These are just the owner manuals for all our kitchen appliances.
Well, guess I finally have time to learn to reset the clock on the coffee maker.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He never did.
You're-you're, uh you're not gonna rape me, are you? Of course I'm not gonna rape you.
I'm gonna make you fall in love with me.
Then we'll see what happens.
Oh, no.
It's already working.
Griffin, you have a visitor.
Carter? What are you doing here? Hello, Griffin.
I'd like to talk to you about these charges that have been brought against you.
Why don't we go somewhere a little more private? I, uh, guess I'll see you in a little bit? It's gonna feel like an eternity.
How is it that I'm only just now meeting you? Look, Carter, you got to believe me.
I didn't shoot Cleveland Junior because he was black! Hey, you don't have to tell me that.
But the media's out there making you look like a monster, all for exercising your constitutional rights.
Grover's a monster.
But don't worry.
We're gonna get you out of this.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit back and let them do this to one of my own.
What, you mean your family? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, that.
Yeah, right.
Look, I'm gonna bail you out of here, set you up with my lawyer, and get these charges dropped.
Well, how you gonna do that? Don't worry.
I'll come up with a good story, and they'll eat it up.
Not like when I read my JAG fan fiction at the NCIS convention.
"JAG stood up and yelled, "'Objection, Your Honor, by Navy law.
' "He then turned to the lady lawyer, "the gal from the October Maxim, "who still managed to be hot "despite her sexless, pageboy haircut.
Or perhaps because of it.
" Boo! Terrible! Right branch of the military, wrong investigative arm! (loud crowd chatter) And I was trying to get back into my house, and my neighbor, Mr.
Griffin, shot me.
He said he felt threatened by me, and that hurt even worse than getting shot! GALLERY: Aw! Your Honor, permission to hug the witness? Granted.
(crying) Don't worry, Mr.
Griffin.
You're every bit as sympathetic as this chubby-cheeked cocoa angel.
I haven't been listening.
What's goin' on? I don't think it's lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.
Yeah, white paper.
Check your jacket pocket.
"I don't think it's lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.
" Hey, look, I'm just saying, it's no surprise that justice isn't colorblind.
Check your other jacket pocket.
"Hey, look, I'm just saying it's no surprise that justice isn't colorblind.
" Stewie, you're a jerk! Check Chris' pocket.
What? There's nothing in here, and Oh, God, the bottom of the pocket's been cut out! Thanks, Brian! I was the mastermind behind this whole thing! Your witness.
All right, watch this.
This is where we take control of the situation.
Mr.
Brown, you testified that you were listening to music at the time of the shooting.
That's right.
And isn't Jay-Z music? Yes.
And doesn't he have the lyrics, "I put the gun to you.
"I'll kill ya, I'll chop ya up, put ya inside the mattress like drug money"? (gallery gasping) I was listening to Neil Sedaka's Hanukkah album.
And isn't true that your last name is the same as Chris Brown's? Yes, but I don't see what-- And what did Chris Brown do to Rihanna? He hit her, like, a hundred times.
Your Honor, I'd like to enter into evidence this photo of a badly beaten Rihanna as well as this print ad for the Entourage movie.
Why?! I can't unsee this! Who is this for?! What's he doing? He's making Cleveland Jr.
look like a thug.
I know.
That's the idea.
You don't want to go back to jail, do you? I don't know.
Maybe.
Mr.
Brown, please pick up this knife.
Aah! He's got a knife! (crowd gasping) (grunting) This isn't fair! They're making my son look like a common hoodlum! Joe, you're a cop! Do something! No, the soap covers everything.
You might see, like, the very top of the crack, but that's-that's not what it's about.
How do you sleep at night? Propped up on pillows, on account of my fat throat.
If I lay flat on my back, I die.
I need pillows between my thighs myself.
And this friendship is over! (crowd clamoring in anger) Thanks for letting me sit in the back.
I was flipping people off the whole way.
(laughs) Get out of here, all of you! My son didn't do anything wrong! (crowd clamoring in anger) Carter, I think this has all kind of gone too far.
What do you think you're doing? I'm gonna make this right.
Everyone! Everyone! Listen, I have something to say.
Cleveland Jr.
doesn't deserve any of this.
All those things you heard about Cleveland Jr.
were lies.
He didn't do anything to me.
He's a good kid, from a good family.
I just got scared, and I did something stupid.
I swear, it had nothing to do with the color of his skin, but I did shoot him.
I deserve to be held responsible for my actions.
Even if that means going to jail.
You heard him, other cops.
Let's take him in.
He doesn't know our names, does he? I don't think he does.
Wait a minute.
Peter didn't shoot my son.
I did.
(crowd gasps) Peter was just taking the blame for me.
He's a good friend.
Eh, Mr.
Brown, what exactly are you saying? I'm saying that I, Cleveland Brown, a black man, shot Cleveland Brown, Jr.
, another black man.
Wait, wh-where did everybody go? You want to make the media go away? Just mention black-on-black crime.
Boy, the world we live in, huh? Brian, reach into Meg's pocket.
Go ahead, Brian.
I-I-I don't want to.
Cleveland, why did you do that? Peter, since this is about racism, why don't we take a slow, hands-clasped-behind- the-back walk together? Listen, I know you wouldn't have shot Cleveland Jr.
on account of his race.
You shot him because you're stupid.
That's all I'm trying to say! And I know you don't have hate in your heart.
You were willing to go to jail for shooting my son.
You took responsibility.
That's what's important.
So you forgive me? Of course I do.
Oh, thanks, Cleveland.
Hey, how you feeling there, champ? I'm good.
Getting better every day.
Aw, I'm happy to hear that.
Look, I-I hope you know I'm sorry.
Hey, these things happen.
That's my boy.
Mr.
Griffin? Yeah? Just so you know, I'm gonna be coming for your ass.
Wh-What's that now? I'm saying it's on! You ever feel the cool steel of a switchblade pressed against your temple? (laughs) He Mr.
Griffin, I'm just kidding.
Or am I? You're gonna wonder about that, you fat bitch.
See you later!