Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s14e10 Episode Script

Oh, it brings back old memories seeing someone down a hole like this.
I practically lived down a hole during the Burma Campaign.
Right under the noses of the Japs.
I was quite a master of concealment.
'The Shadow', they used to call me.
There were posters up all over Burma.
"Wanted - Dead or Alive - The Shadow.
" The natives, you know, they thought I was magic.
"Him - this fella - disappear in darkness.
" They used to soothe their children with stories about me.
"Him - Shadow - "he make darkness safe for little people.
" They're only little fellows themselves, you know.
Now, you'll find this very interesting I was just getting to the best bits.
Howard? What are you doing, coming through the letterbox? I was just trying to push your newspaper so I could peer through your letterbox, Cleggy.
You're in the very forefront of a new idea, Howard.
Peep through a letterbox and save a stamp.
I was just checking to see if you were in.
Why didn't you knock? I didn't want Pearl to hear.
Oh, it's one of those visits, is it, Howard? You haven't heard the best bits.
I was just coming to the best bits.
Are you there? I say, are you there? It's a shame to miss the best bits.
Are you there? I'm here, I'm here.
How do, Eli? That's terrific.
How did you throw your voice like that? Like what? Don't be modest, love.
You're a very talented lady.
Hey up, what's tha doin' down there? Having a private conversation.
Do you mind? With a manhole cover? Somebody under it, with whom I was sharing my war experiences.
Ah No wonder he went underground.
Never mind me.
Have you been practising your singing? I have.
I've been giving it the full umpity in me pantry.
Why the pantry? For the acoustics.
Me and Placido, we always rehearse in the pantry.
I was goin' great till I broke this jar of pickles.
You broke a jar of pickles with YOUR voice? In a way.
When I started to sing, me ferrets ran for cover and one knocked over a jar of pickles.
Now I've got a ferret that smells like a gherkin.
Well, that's an improvement for a start.
So I thought I'd pop in and volunteer.
What are you so nervous about, Howard? You remind me very much of somebody who is up to no good.
Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.
You're registering at least eight on the Up-to-no-good scale and chewing your handkerchief.
I don't know why you should think I'm nervous.
A chap comes next door to volunteer.
Volunteer for what? For Foggy's charity service.
Oh, that.
It's a good cause.
Choir singing for charity.
YOU volunteered.
I'm not a volunteer, Howard.
I'm a conscript.
You know Foggy.
Well, I thought I'd volunteer.
I wish you could take my place.
I'm going to feel ridiculous in costume.
It's nice to be in costume, dressed as characters from fairy tales.
Don't remind me, Howard.
I'm trying hard to forget it.
I thought I might come along as a sheep.
A sheep? What sort of character is that from a fairy tale? Well, I thought if I sort of came along with Miss Bo-Peep.
Oh.
You and Little Miss Bo-Peep, eh, Howard? Now I wonder who that's going to be? Of course, I've no idea.
It could be any lady who volunteers to sing for charity.
Mm.
Chew your handkerchief, Howard.
Howard's coming as a sheep.
A sheep? I told them characters from fairy tales.
Didn't I tell them in a firm, corporal-like manner? Perhaps they've heard too many fairy tales from thee afore.
No talking in the ranks.
Now, what's this about Howard? He's coming with Bo-Peep.
Here, what's Nora Batty going as? I dunno.
We're not talking.
I left her a note this morning.
But I ought to know.
I want a nice blend of characters.
Talking of characters, why are we going to Auntie Wainwright's? She has something I want to hire.
Come along then, men.
I'll do all the talking.
But who'll do all the buying? It's ME, every time.
Just ignore her.
I tried that.
I still finished up with half a tea-set.
See, it works.
Tha didn't buy the WHOLE tea-set.
It's just a shop.
It's not as if you won't get out again.
DOOR SLAMS Now look what you've done.
Oh, stop panicking, man! A lady living alone gets nervous.
CLICK It's good to see people in a buying mood.
If it's gifts you're after, you've come to the right place.
Wander freely.
Just remember that the policy of the management is to shoot or prosecute shoplifters.
Happy shopping.
Don't shoot.
I bought your half tea-set.
I hope you're not one of those lunatics who wants his money back.
No, he likes your half tea-set.
Oh, yes.
Rather.
We all like your half tea-set.
Right.
Now we've got that out of the way.
It's him tha's got to deal with.
Well, I'mI'm organising this year's charity gala.
I was wondering if we could borrow your inflatable children's castle.
Of course you can borrow it.
Thirty five pounds a day and blowing up's extra.
But it's for charity.
Oh, go on then.
Thirty four.
But I don't deliver.
Not at that price.
Don't tear it, man.
We can't afford to tear it.
Would it be easier if it was blown up? We can't afford it blown up.
Wesley will blow it up.
I feel like blowin' it up meself.
Oh, stop moaning.
It's for charity.
Moaning for charity.
I bet that could become popular.
Listen, if we all pull together and really put our backs into it Come on.
We're never gonna carry this.
All right.
All right.
Leave it with me.
I'll think of something.
And people think it's easy being a leader and a charismatic figure.
He's got a lot of nerve going in there again.
SLAM There goes the shutter.
She's got him now.
Well, we might as well get comfy.
He could be in there till his purse runs dry.
Can you drive it? I can drive it, yeah.
Can you drive it dressed as Noddy? Why would I be dressed as Noddy? He never told you? Never said a word.
Welcome to Fairyland.
Hey up, Foggy, tha's handling that like an expert.
He's adaptable for a trained killer.
All right, let's get the castle on the pram.
The man's a genius.
It just needs a little planning, you know.
It'll make it easier.
How much was it, Foggy? Come on, you can tell us.
How much was the pram? We're only borrowing it.
She let thee borrow it for nowt? Not exactly nothing, no.
But I got a very, very favourable rate.
Double discount.
Let's get it up.
GRUNTING AND GROANING There we are.
That's better.
All that was needed was a bit of military planning.
Looks like tha's just bought a pram, Foggy.
The woman's very unreasonable.
I mean, what do I want with a pram? That's a fair question.
You could've started something here, Foggy.
Really sporty, low-slung prams.
Just the thing for the GTi brigade.
What am I going to DO with it? Thank God my native tribesmen in Burma can't see me now.
"What is this?" they'd say.
"'He-who-walks-with-danger' pushing a pram!" Quite a few have walked with danger and ended up pushing a pram.
What do you need an inflatable castle for? It's for the charity singers.
We inflate the castle, put it on the back of a trailer to make a setting for the singers.
Everyone in fairytale costumes in a fairytale castle.
The only fairy round here is thee.
Someone round here is about to be turned into a pumpkin.
Will it look alright on a trailer? We'll soon find out.
Blow it up.
You've got some compressed air.
Oh, aye.
I've got compressed air.
HISSING Is that kettle boiling yet? You'll hear it when it does, Mother.
It'll waken the street.
Have you all got your costumes ready, then? Why can't we just sing? Like every other year - badly, but decently dressed.
I think it'll be nice.
It's for charity.
It's for Foggy Dewhurst.
He's power mad.
That's true.
He does love complicating things.
Men do.
Mine does.
Oh, yes.
You only have to watch a man strugglin' to open a new pack of biscuits.
My Barry's quite nimble.
But then he works for a building society.
That'll do from you.
Mother! They're all clumsy.
If they can't belt it with a hammer, they think it's needlework.
I blame the hormones.
They've obviously got more chemicals than they know what to do with.
I think mine's got the glimmering of an idea what to do with his.
Is Howard handy in the house? He might make a good standard lamp.
He's never still long enough.
They've all got some gypsy in them.
And let's not dwell on where.
I think it's the knees.
I'm relieved to hear that.
My Barry's very stable.
Mine's always sneaking out of the damn stable.
Well, Wesley might come off terrible on your paintwork, but you usually know where he is.
We all know where me father is.
It still doesn't look anything like a castle.
Not till it's fully blown up, it won't.
We could blow it up a bit more just to get the effect.
HISSING I think he's overdoin' it.
That's my impression.
Turn it off! I can't reach it for this damn castle! What is going on out there? It's probably some do-it-yourselfer.
They never know when to stop, these do-it-yourselfers.
My Barry does-it-himself and he knows when to stop.
NOISES GROW LOUDER Sounds like my Howard's nervous stomach.
It sounds too close for comfort to me.
I haven't heard the likes since the war.
You should live with my Howard.
I'd sooner have another war.
We'd better go and have a look.
What is it? It's an inflatable castle.
Just what you need in your driveway.
Where's Wesley's shed? It were here a minute ago.
Never mind the shed.
Where's Wesley? Tell our Wesley he can't leave it there.
Where is our Wesley? What about me shed? Don't worry.
We'll tack it together again, won't we? Come back! We've got to get this to the church hall car-park.
Will you look at that! Genuine medieval England.
Cute little England perched on a hillside.
By heck! I shouldn't like the bill for feedin' that every week.
That's the way.
Right, hold it steady.
Now, when Smiler gets the trailer underneath the bridge, we drop it on it.
Wait for my signal.
Flying saucers.
What about them? Have you ever seen a flying saucer? No, I never have.
I've seen a few flying glasses in the Mucky Duck.
I'd have to see it to believe extra-terrestrial crap.
Not gonna happen, is it, things dropping out of the sky? Foggy, is tha goin' to help the police with their enquiries? KNOCK AT DOOR I'm glad you've come.
You feel such a fool bein' a good fairy on your own.
Oooeee! Oh! You look lovely.
You look regal.
No wonder they daren't complain in here.
Mother! I wish you'd stop closing me tail in the door.
I'm not used to you with a tail.
If Dick Whittington kept doing that, it's no wonder the cat finished up as Lady Mayoress.
Ohh! You've come as Little Bo-Peep.
It's a bit tight.
I feel more like Big Bo-Peep.
As long as you can sing in it.
What's this? The Wicked Witch? Dress to match your mood, I say.
KNOCK AT DOOR Door, Cleggy.
LOUDER KNOCK AT DOOR Come in, whoever you are.
Norman Clegg that WAS.
In medieval times.
Who is it? It's emSnow White? It's Snow White.
Snow White? Where's the dwarf? He's gone dressed as a sheep.
Expecting to find me dressed as Bo-Peep.
I couldn't.
That costume had already gone.
Who's wearing it? I don't know.
That's why I wondered if you boys would warn Howard.
Norman! I think a bloke should do all he can to help Snow White.
I would be ever so grateful.
I'm not getting involved.
I'm having enough trouble with these tights.
KNOCK AT DOOR All right, you men.
Fall in outside.
Look at him.
That's why he got us dressed up.
So he could drill us all day.
Once a military man, always a military man.
One, two, three! Attention! On parade.
Fall in.
Right, we'll start off marching at the regulation pace - Is that understood? You at the back! Take that smile off your face.
Get that man's name, Corporal.
You two, fall in.
Jump to it.
Right, ladies.
If I could just arrange you in your positions, please? Someone move a little.
I can't see enough of Snow White.
I soon could.
Right.
Stand by.
NEI-EIGH Watch what tha's doin' with that thing.
I'm used to handling arms.
I can't march in this gear.
Of course you can! I feel as if I'm in Weight Watchers.
He feels like a Big Lily - like I do.
CAN we get on with it? Band Atten-tion! DRUM BEATING BAND PLAYING LIVELY MARCH HISSING Wha? I've stalled.
BBC - 1992 How was I to know SHE was Bo-Peep? Nobody told me she was Bo-Peep.
Last person you'd expect to be Bo-Peep.