South Park s14e11 Episode Script

My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening.
I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime.
We have to find out the source of this evil.
Something big is about to happen and it's up to Coon and friends to stop it.
Yes, Toolshed, why do we have to be called Coon and friends? - What? - We all fight crime together.
How come we're just your friends? Yeah.
We want to be called the extreme avenger league.
Yeah.
I told you Tupperware, - extreme avenger league doesn't work.
- Why no.
Why can't it be Mosquito and friends? Nobody [bleep.]
heard of you, Mosquito? Have so.
Guys, we need to find out what is causing the crime wave in this city.
Mysterion, you and the human kite get on the computer.
Dig up what you can.
Tupperware and Mosquito, scan the papers.
Work, people! Mintberry Crunch, could I have a quick work with you in the debriefing chamber? Okay.
I enjoy having you be a part of Coon and friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees.
It's just I don't I'm not getting your deal.
I mean, exactly what is Mintberry Crunch supposed to mean? I get that you're half man, half berry and that you're Crunchy with some mint.
But to be a part of Coon and friends, you have to have a clear and more super hero kind of identity.
Mintberry Crunch, I'm just wondering if maybe you need to add something else to the Mintberry Crunch part of your costume.
Like milk? No, not like milk.
You see, I think we're on different pages here, Mintberry Crunch.
It's like Coon and friends alert! Uh-oh! What's the alert, Mosquito? There's like a big fire or something in town.
A fire? Coon volume up.
Has to be at least 20 people trapped inside the apartment building.
Firefighters are having no luck.
This is what we've been waiting for! Coon and friends, let's head out? All right, yeah.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Mintberry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the cave, okay? We have to get down town fast, Coon and friends.
Mom, drive us downtown.
It's late.
You keep playing downstairs.
Mom, you're the Coon's favorite butler.
I want to go down town now.
All right.
I can get some groceries anyway.
Into the Coon mobile, everyone.
Let's hope we get there in time.
All right.
Buckled up for safety? Don't talk to us like that, mom.
We're super heroes.
Eric, what have we talked about with that language? One more time I'm not taking you anywhere.
I'm sorry, mom.
Can we go, please? Unbelievable! We tried getting in through the back.
It was no good.
Those people will die if we don't do something.
Oh, my goodness.
It's a fire.
Come on, Coon and friends.
No, Eric, stay in the car, sweetie.
Can we try a helicopter? Winds are too high.
The chopper would burn in minutes.
What's the problem? Kids, get back.
Whatever is happening, you need help from the Coon.
And friends.
Keep the children back, Thompson.
Please, sir Sweetie, let the firemen do their job.
Shut up, mom, God! Look, up in the sky.
It's him! My God, it's really him.
He's come to help us.
Captain Hindsight.
Who is Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age.
Once Northern as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news.
The hero was born when a freak accident gave him the power of hindsight.
For toxic spills, there's no task too large for Captain Hindsight.
Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come.
What is the skinny? There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight.
The fire is so massive, we can't get to them.
See the windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes there for the higher floors so the people could have gotten down.
The roof should have been reinforced so a helicopter could have landed on it.
Of course.
And the building to the left, they shouldn't have built it there.
Now you can't park fire trucks where you need to.
Looks like my job is done.
Good-bye, everyone! Thank you, Captain Hindsight.
Thank you! All right, everyone.
I guess that's it.
Let's pack it up.
Oh, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon? Oh, my gosh, yes.
They said like 14 people died.
It's just ridiculous to me that didn't build fire scapes on the upper floors.
Ridiculous.
I know.
If you ask me, they should have built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter.
Hello! You guys are just repeating what that Hindsight guy said.
Yes.
He's our protector and guardian.
We're thankful he was there for the fire.
Now we can eat in peace.
Coon and friends alert! Coon and friends alert.
Who the hell is that? Alert, guys.
I'm serious.
Mom, dad, I finished dinner.
Can I go to my room? Sure, Stan.
How did that get there, Randy? I don't know.
Take it down.
It's noisy.
I can't.
I don't know what happened to all my tools.
All right.
Toolshed is here.
We can start.
Who said you could put a big siren in my parents house? Yeah.
I got in trouble for it.
The Coon has to signal his friends when a catastrophe breaks out.
What have the catastrophe? Did you not see that Hindsight guy? Yeah.
So there's a big super hero out there and he's not part of Coon and friends.
Jesus.
I looked into it.
This Captain Hindsight is everywhere.
He's like this butt hole scab.
He has to join us.
Fellows, could you let me out? It's been like six days.
You're not going anywhere, Chaos.
Yeah.
You only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full.
I don't have anything to eat.
You have poop, don't you? How can we get him to join us? Who cares if he's not part of Coon and friends? I care.
We have to wait to the next disaster and beat Hindsight to the scene.
There's not going to be a worse disaster.
What could be worse than a fire that killed 14 people? All right.
This looks like a jolly good place.
Yes.
Let her rip! That's it, lad.
Collect that oil.
Oh, yeah! Oh, don't tell me we did it again! Coon and friends alert! All Coon friends report to base.
I'm serious.
Coon and friends alert! Good, you're all here.
Take a look at this.
Coon volume up.
It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe.
Oil from the ocean is spilling out out of control and the rescue effort seems futile.
It's horrible.
We can't stop the oil from contaminating everything.
Our home is full of sludge.
There's a loogie my scrimp.
Look at all that oil on my scrimp.
Another oil could be devastation for the gulf.
We have to help those people.
Yes.
This is a child for Coon and friends.
Let's pack the gulf full of flavor.
Wait, look.
It's Captain Hindsight.
Oh, no! What seems to be the problem? It's that BP oil rig.
It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned.
If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans.
All right.
You see where that rig is drilling? Yes.
It's in too deep of water.
They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill.
Yes, yes.
Now if it's a valve that ruptured, they should have installed a back up valve in case that broke.
I believe they did, Captain Hindsight.
Right.
Then they should have had a back up safety valve to that backup safety valve.
He's right.
My work is done.
I'm off to find others in need.
Thank you, Captain Hindsight.
God bless you! Can I help you? I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives? Yes.
I need to speak with him, please.
The Captain is very busy dealing with the gulf oil crisis.
I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir.
Mr.
Hindsight, sir, this young man would like a word.
Please, sit down, what can I do for you? Mr.
Hindsight, I represent some very high profile people.
I've been asked to give you some exciting news.
You have been preapproved to become the newest member of Coon and friends.
Of what? I know the Coon personally.
Can tell you being a Coon is the highest honor.
As you can see in the papers, your first three months of dues have been waived.
This must be majorly exciting for you.
Captain Hindsight, come in.
Go ahead.
The oil keeps coming up.
We have other rigs catching fire.
They should have hosed down the other rigs when the spill began.
That shouldn't have happened.
Thank you.
Captain Hindsight, the dolphins are dying.
Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a nonbleaching cleanser.
Yes.
Commissioner, tell the commissioner he shouldn't have sent pictures of his shlong.
It's not a blessing, it's a curse.
So anyways, if you wanted to start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and friends right away.
I'm sorry, kid.
I work alone.
The problem with that is there's a super hero union called Coon and friends.
If you refuse to be a part of that union, you're a scab.
Get this kid out of here.
I have to think.
You'll be hearing from the Coon's lawyer, sir! The BP oil spill in the gulf continues to get worse every day.
As public anger towards the BP company grows, their president released this statement.
Hello.
I'm Tony Hayward.
President and CEO of BP.
Our accidental drilling spill in the gulf is a tragedy that should have never happened.
To all those affected, I want to say we are deeply sorry.
We're sorry.
We're sorry.
We're sorry.
Sorry.
BP is taking full responsibility for cleaning up the spill in the gulf.
In doing so, we have changed our name to beyond petroleum to dependable petroleum.
BP, we no longer the earth, we BP it.
Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and friends has been unsuccessful.
I've come up with a solution.
Coon vision on.
All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love.
We'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet.
How do we get the pictures? Simple.
We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love.
Take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy and photo shop it.
Oh, me? Don't make me be Courtney Love.
We have to get to work fast.
Coon and friends ho! You want us to take pictures to blackmail Captain Hindsight.
That's because you have a small brain.
What is going on in the gulf is more important than blackmail.
Who cares? Mosquito has a good plain.
Hear him out.
My true identity is secret.
We all have a say in this organization.
Let Mosquito talk.
All right.
How do you want to help people suffering in the gulf crisis? We can help raise money by having a bake sale.
A bake sale? I have a recipe from lemon bars from my mom.
We can wear costumes and solemn Monday bars.
We're super heroes, not girl scouts.
Those people need help.
Sometimes helping in smaller ways work.
It would help taking pictures of butters.
Shot up.
You're not anything.
That's another thinking.
No more picking on Mintberry Crunch.
Are you the boss now? No.
But we're all equal.
From now on, we vote.
Who wants to go with my plan? Sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
To the grocery store! As we walked along the road to the grocery store, any Coon sense startle tingling.
Something is wrong.
I knew I must act.
A Coon must know when to defend itself.
We're back to normal.
Just like before and all forgotten, right, right? Right, right.
Right.
So what's next for Coon and friends? Another crisis in the gulf of Mexico as the oil company BP has once again made a huge error.
This time the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension.
The oil company stated they knew another dimension was there but didn't think drilling into it would be problematic.
Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc.
Hello.
I'm Tony Hayward.
CEO of BP.
Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened.
And as CEO, I would like to say, we're sorry.
Captain Hindsight, sir? Calls for help are pouring in, you have to get out to the gulf.
I can't help anyone right now.
Something came up.
What, sir? You know you can tell me.
Do you remember last week when I got really, really drunk? Yes, sir.
Look at those photos on the desk.
My God is that you and Courtney Love? Of course, it's Courtney Love.
But when did you I don't remember.
That's just the point.
I get drunk and I don't remember things.
I shouldn't have drank that much.
And I shouldn't have missed alcohol.
Alcohol shouldn't be legal.
Oh, it's maddening! It doesn't matter now, sir.
People are getting hurt in the gulf and they need to know what they could have done.
I should have never kept that bottle of MacAllen in the pantry.
Shouldn't have gotten Sir, sir! Creatures from another dimension wreak havoc in the gulf.
The question everybody is asking is where is Captain Hindsight.
Where are you, Captain Hindsight! Speaking cajun ***.
With Captain Hindsight missing who can save the gulf now? I've done it.
Hindsight is taken care of.
Now the country can be made of Coon and friends.
There's more important things to discuss right now.
Right, Toolshed.
How do we deal with these creatures from another dimension? Hey, we need to discuss things with what? I don't know.
Tupperware, you tell him.
I don't want to tell him.
I'll tell him.
Coon, I'm sorry but we're kicking you out of Coon and friends.
You're kicking me out of Coon and friends? We voted.
It's unanimous.
You can't kick me out of Coon and friends.
I'm the Coon.
You believe that you have your goals and doing things and they conflict with what we want to do.
But we get the headquarters and the equipment.
You don't keep anything.
This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys.
We discussed with him.
Mrs.
Cartman? Yes.
Please escort him out.
Mom, what the are you doing? Eric, you do not beat up your friends.
I told you I've had it with your language.
Your punishment is your friends will play super heroes without you.
Go to your room.
You have to be kidding me.
We have missed up this time.
It's going to take more than another I'm sorry campaign to please everyone this time.
What a right pickle we're in.
There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid.
The swells are too much to get any machines in.
Wait a tick.
Currents and swells, that's it.
I know how to fix it.
Oh, by Jove.
We drill.
Of course.
Good idea.
Of course.
I believe that if we drilled on the moon, changing its pull on the ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill.
I don't quite get it.
We got into this mess by drilling here and here.
Now we need to drill here.
That looks extremely promising.
Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here and here at the same time.
The seismic forces will be massive.
Do you think the moon can take it? Oh, she'll take it.
The BP oil company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems.
I have a feeling we bet get into our costumes.
The BP oil company has had another drilling accident.
This time they have appeared to unleash the dark and mighty Cthulu.
The rise of Cthulu from another dimension brings about 3,000 years of darkness, Tom.
Where we will all be driven to madness and made to serve as Cthulu's slaves.
The president of BP oil released this press statement.
As president of want to say we're sorry.
I'm deeply sorry.
Sorry.
Praise the dark Cthulu, long may he rein.
Let's get to the gulf! Darkness has taken over our town.
The Coon friends have given in to evil.