Family Guy s14e12 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: We now return to the NBA on TNT on LSD.
Man, I'm out my mind! Okay, my mom will be here any minute for our spa day.
"Spa," S-P-A.
Yes, very good, Peter.
And remember, while we're off getting our massages, you and Daddy are gonna spend the day together here.
Aw, I don't want to hang out with him.
He's, like, not ticklish anywhere.
Look, I'm sorry, but my mom said he can't be left alone at home anymore.
Last time, he went crazy and moved all the furniture around.
Dancing, walking Rearranging furniture Babs is shopping I let the bird out of the cage (knocking on door) Hello, dear.
Oh, I always forget you walk right into the living room in your house.
Hey, do you have a Band-Aid? Nothing happened, but I'm bleeding.
You know what, I'll just rummage through your bathroom.
(sighs) Man, spending a whole day with him is gonna be worse than eating at a ball park.
Uh, I'll take one terrible beer, filled up way too high, so I spill most of it, and a too-long hot dog on a too-short bun.
And do you have mustard and relish? Yeah, it's right there between the entrance and the exit to the bathroom.
Perfect.
And can I get a bag of unsalted peanuts? You know, something I would never eat anywhere else in the world? Sure, here you go.
Great, great.
I can't wait to have diarrhea in the stall with no door while 20 guys wait for me to finish.
(girls giggling) No.
Ah, no.
MEG: All right, left cankle, red.
(girls giggling) Right muffin top, blue.
(girls giggling) (farting) GIRLS: Sorry.
Ugh, God, kill me.
Stewie, I can't take any more of Meg and her gross friends.
Ah, ah, hang on, hang on.
I'm just finishing up an e-mail to Delta.
"I have never not screamed at the top of my lungs during air pressure changes, and I do not intend to stop now.
" Okay, what was it? Meg's friends.
They're just so loud and boring and annoying.
Well, not everybody can be as fascinating as you, Brian.
Thanks for coming by.
Hey, Brian, Mom took the car.
Can you give me and my friends a ride to field hockey practice? Uh, I'm kind of helping Stewie with an e-mail to Delta.
Please, Brian.
It would get them out of the house.
Well, that's true.
And I gotta do something, 'cause they're more annoying than ants at a picnic.
(ranchera music blaring) Would you mind turning that down? (volume increases) And you're not supposed to be grilling.
I know you can understand me.
So what, uh, what do you want to do? I don't know.
Sucks that we're stuck here alone.
Wait a minute, here alone.
You thinking what I'm thinking? This was not what I was thinking.
That's weird, it's not what I was thinking either.
I don't even know how it happened.
No, me neither, but this spaghetti's not half bad.
A "happy mistake," we'll call it.
Now what do you want to do? Well, we could watch porn.
Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of? You have postcards from France?! No, no, no, like like, on the computer.
There's like tons and tons of videos of people doing it on there.
Wait, l-let me understand: You want to watch that with me? Well, not anymore, you just made it weird.
But there's other stuff on there.
You want to see a guy in a human-sized hamster ball roll off a mountain? Uh, yeah.
So this is in Russia? Somebody's gonna slow him down, right? Whoa! (chuckles) I got to e-mail that to Babs.
She hates people.
Huh, got a new e-mail here.
And it's from a Nigerian prince.
It says he's got millions frozen in an account.
All he needs is a hundred grand to pay legal fees, and then as soon as he gets his money, I get a million bucks.
Wow, and he must need it quick, 'cause there was, like, a bazillion typos in that e-mail.
You got to send that money.
You think so? Absolutely.
I mean, can you imagine if you make a million bucks? You'll be happier than the guy on his wedding day.
Thanks, everyone.
Good-bye, Mom.
Good-bye, Dad.
Good-bye, friends.
Good-bye, free time.
Farewell, sex.
So long, golf on TV.
I'll miss you, privacy.
Good-bye, being honest about how many beers I've had.
Nice knowing you, my own choices.
See ya later, money! Thanks for the ride, Brian.
Yeah, and thanks for the lecture on what real music is, Mr.
Griffin.
Geez, how many Snickers could they eat in a five-minute car ride? Ah, crap, somebody left their gym bag.
God, it would've been real easy to bring a gun in here.
Where the hell'd they go? Oh, whoops.
(sultry music playing) Wow.
(gasps) Holy crap.
That was Patty.
And she's got a smokin' hot body.
This is a bigger surprise than when I found out Joe was a clown.
(car alarm chirps) JOE: I think that belongs to me.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
Okay.
You won't tell anyone, will you? No.
You can tell people.
Hey, so how was the spa? Oh, it was fine, though I don't know why they made us face each other during the mother-daughter bikini wax.
Did you two have a nice afternoon? Sure did.
I made a million dollars! What?! How? Carter sent $100,000 to a Nigerian prince who's gonna give him a million.
Oh, Peter, don't tell me you two fell for that scam.
What? What are you talking about? It's the oldest e-mail scam out there.
Their assets are frozen, you cover legal fees.
Blah, blah, blah.
Oh, my God, he did say, "Blah, blah, blah.
" You're never getting that money back.
What?! So that-that money's just been Josh Hartnett-ed?! What's that? Gone! Disappeared! Never to be heard from again! Isn't he in that Showtime thing with the blood and the hats? Look, the point is I was swindled.
I guess so.
Well, come on, Mom, the man was very specific that we need to go put lotion on each other.
Geez, I'm really sorry, Carter.
But at least you have your health.
(coughing) Oh You know, this is your fault.
You're the one who said I should do it! Mm-hmm, there's that judgy-ness Babs is always calling me and talking about.
Look, nobody steals from Carter Pewterschmidt.
I am going to Africa and getting my money back.
And you're coming with me.
Africa? We're going to Africa?! I wonder if it will change us.
But, of course, it did change us.
I've been working here for 50 years, pretending I'm a woman.
(French accent): Do you ever regret not having children, Mother Bernadette? Oh, I've had many children.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Kevin James Got Too Fat To Be In Movies.
Kevin James, why'd you have to come back to television? I ate Adam Sandler.
Uh, yoo-hoo! I'm in here with the pizza.
(knocking on door) Okay, time to go to Africa and get my money back.
Are you ready? I was born three months early.
LOIS: Peter, who's that at the door? Oh, just so you know, I didn't tell Lois where we're going, and I couldn't be touched until I was two.
Daddy, what are you doing here?! Oh, hey, Lois.
Uh, Carter and I are going away for the next week or so.
You are? Where? Oh, uh we're, uh I mean, um Pinterest! Wow, sounds great.
Have fun.
This is getting easier.
Now I just say daytime-mom words.
Okay, so see you soon, and Chablis The View.
Aw, you too, sweetheart.
Bye.
I'm telling you, you wouldn't believe Patty's body.
Just, uh, a tiny waist, firm butt, great rack.
(singsongy): She's in high school.
I know, and she's in high school.
It's, like, Calm down.
Meg, hey, how's it going? Uh, hey, Brian.
Cool, that's great to hear.
Hey, where's Patty? Oh, I don't know.
Probably at her house? (laughs) You're hilarious, Meg.
Hey, so, uh, what kind of movies do you and your friends like? Well, Ruth likes Not her.
Esther likes Not her.
I like Patty, just Patty.
Oh, she loves anything where a teenage girl is sick and dies of cancer.
Or any movie where a character is named Patty.
Ugh, she loses her mind for that.
Well, okay, Miss Chatterbox, you better get off to school.
Wow, you're really obsessed with Patty.
You want her even more than I wanted the new iPhone.
How's it going? Good.
Just looking forward to getting that new phone.
What are you talking about? This isn't the Apple store.
This is a super-gay club.
Yeah, right, I leave and you get my phone.
Nice try, cutie pie.
Wow, there's so much wildlife in Africa.
You know, they say there's some animal species here that haven't even been discovered yet.
Is that right? Yes, that is right.
Oh, my God, look over there! That African warlord is brutalizing those innocent people.
Yeah, but it's okay, because he's wearing a large cowboy hat and follows everything with "hamburger," like that stand-up comic from the '90s.
We are going to force all these young boys to be child soldiers.
Hamburger.
(giggling) After 18 hours in the mines, we are going to check your butts for diamonds.
Hamburger.
(laughs) I get it.
If you do not work on my rubber plantation, I will burn your tongues.
Oh, my God! Hamburger.
(giggling) Ah, I found him.
Alonzo "Hamburger" Jones.
He made it to YouTube.
Must be filthy rich.
Oh, my God! I didn't expect to see you guys here.
So teenagers know about the mall, too? Know what about the mall? Yeah, right? Boy, the day I'm having.
I actually made one too many Build-a-Bears for the cancer kids.
If only I could build a cure, huh? Aw Hey, you know what, Patty? Why don't you take the extra one? Wow, thanks, Brian.
Yeah, that's cool, Brian.
Will you buy me a hat at Lids? No.
You know, Patty, I've got $7.
50 left on my Panda Express card if you want to split a three-item combo.
No drink.
Sure! Well, then, hop on board the Panda Express! (chuckles) In bed, right? Like-like with the fortune cookies, you know Brian, can I talk to you for a second? What the hell is going on? You're hitting on Patty and it's gross.
She's 18! Stop it! Me? Meg, I am not even going to dignify that with a mall erection.
Don't don't look down.
(gentle African music playing) Well, we made it.
East Bola.
All right, let's find our "prince" and get my money back.
Get down! On the ground! (yelps) This is unacceptable.
I demand to speak to Anthony Anderson.
(phone ringing) Okay, hold on.
Shoot me if you must, but it is imperative that I answer this call.
Yello? Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
Yes, I did call you about the eight-piece lawn croquet set.
Now, it says "weathered," just how weathered is it? Yeah, go ahead and send me a pic, that'd be very helpful.
(phone chimes) Sir, shoot me if you must, but it is imperative that I look at these pictures.
The hell with this.
I'm getting my money back if it's the last thing I do.
Hey, here's the guys.
Who are you and why are you here? I'm Carter Pewterschmidt, and I'm here because you stole my money! You? You are Carter Pewterschmidt? You're damn right I am! Oh! It's him! It's the Great Father Pewterschmidt! What's happening? What's he talking about? You are a great hero to us.
It is with the money that you sent that we have been able to make many wonderful improvements to our village.
And he used my computer.
I'm Griff, by the way, that's what everybody calls me.
That's not true.
Nobody calls him that.
It was your money that paid for the school, a well to provide clean drinking water, our first health clinic, and a Redbox with one movie in it.
It's Baby Geniuses.
Which I, personally, could begin watching at any point in the film and enjoy from there.
Oh, yeah, that's how I feel about that video of Kelsey Grammer fallin' off the stage.
I don't understand.
So there never was a Nigerian prince? No.
You see, no one will actually give money to Africa unless they are tricked into it.
So again, we thank you for your generosity, Father Pewterschmidt.
Well, I hope you enjoyed it 'cause I'm taking it all back.
What? What? You heard me! Nobody steals from Carter Pewterschmidt and gets away with it! Carter, why you bein' so mean? The money's spent.
And look how happy you made these people.
Talk to me-- it's your buddy Griff.
Tear it all down! Now.
Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa.
What is Kwanzaa? Ah! I knew it wasn't real! Hey, there, babe.
Hey, Brian.
You ready? Got the Smash Mouth cued up in the Pri.
Brian, what are you doing here? I'm here to pick up Patty.
We're going to see a movie called Brittany Finds a Lump.
You're parked in Mr.
Tackleman's space.
You're going on a date with Patty? I told you to back off.
And since when do you wear high-tops? What, my kicks? Ah, it's nothin'.
I just use these for Instagram.
That's something I like! Ah, shut up, Esther! All right, we're out of here.
Feel free to use the seat warmer, keep that box hot.
Somebody once told me The world is gonna Geez, I can't believe you're going through with this, Carter.
Paying these thugs to tear down the village isn't gonna bring your money back.
This isn't about the money.
This is payback for Sammy Davis dating Kim Novak.
Oh, come on, Carter, don't do this.
You don't want to be the first white guy to do something bad to Africa.
Are you about done? I'm supposed to go lion shooting with a scumbag dentist.
(sighs) Oh, my God, they're even taking down the mosquito netting.
(buzzing) Buzz, buzz, buzz.
No, Carter, I can't let you do this! I won't stand by and let you further ruin this terrible place! Oh, is that right? Yes, that is right.
Here's 5,000 bucks.
Lock up that fat-ass.
Damn it, this sucks.
I may never get out of here.
Well, as a man falsely imprisoned in Africa, I have no choice but to write a memoir of my struggles.
"Chapter One: "Harry Potter's aunt and uncle were super mean.
"'Spank me harder,' the lady says to Fifty Shades of Grey.
"'That's Mr.
Fifty Shades of Grey "to you, Kate from Ben and Kate.
' "And then he turned her butt inside out.
Because, sexy.
" "'Isn't that special,' said the Church Lady, "before reporting for her botched surgery.
"Anyway, I'm here in a prison against my will, "and I should be free.
The end.
" Take this, Cheebo.
Take this to a French-Canadian flight attendant.
And he will give it to everybody.
(gentle African music playing) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story: sinking newscaster.
Just kidding, it's the chair.
But, in other news, domestic abuse enthusiast Paul Simon has released a new song inspired by a memoir written by Quahog's own Peter Griffin, who has been falsely imprisoned by his father-in-law in an African jail.
Oh, for God's sake.
I bet there's not one word about you in that book.
Wow, what a beautiful night.
Yeah.
Hey, I wonder if any of those stars are wishing on us, huh? You're so deep.
I betcha you're pretty deep, too.
Aw, you're so sweet.
Why are you so nice to me? Most guys never give me the time of day because I'm so plain-looking.
Well, I'm not like most guys.
I can see past that sweater.
Speaking of which, why don't we get rid of that big old thing? Brian, stop! You don't have to do this, Patty.
Brian's just taking advantage of you.
What? That's crazy! What? Why would he do that? Because you have an amazing body.
I do? But you're always saying dumpy girls like us only have each other.
You're not dumpy.
I was just saying that because I was worried you'd become popular and not want to be friends with us anymore.
Meg, I'm $18 into this evening, so can you maybe just get out of here? Meg, that's silly.
I'll always be your friend.
You promise? Oh, come on, what the hell? Bummer.
He's never gonna get to hit that.
I know.
That's exactly what I wished for.
Well, I actually wished for it 30,000 years ago.
It's true.
Even at the speed of light, mean-spirited thoughts from the stars can take thousands or even millions of years to reach the Earth.
Ham-burger.
(intro playing) There's a great man locked up in a cell The African folks all know him well He's a great spirit with a lot to say That's why they locked Peter Griffin away There's a breeze that's in the air Peter Griffin in my hair Peter Griffin up my nose In my lungs and down to my toes Peter Griffin in my skin Everybody breathe him in Peter Griffin Freedom for Peter Griffin Peter Griffin Let my Peter go.
Now wait, let me get this straight: none of you guys has ever heard of Bono? He says he knows you.
Daddy! What the hell are you doing? You threw Peter in jail? Hey, Pumpkin, welcome! Whatever you do, don't tell them you have a clitoris.
Yeah, they told me that at the embassy.
Look, I'm sorry you got swindled, but you can't treat people this way.
You let Peter out of that jail right now.
And give these people back their health clinic and their school.
No.
PETER: Hi, Lois! I like your shorts! Bye, Lois! Oh, my God! Enough is enough! That's your son-in-law! And my husband! I know how families work, Lois.
All right.
Let him go.
Yay! Lois, how much was your flight and which card did you put it on? Daddy, I don't understand any of this.
I mean, you've always been grouchy, but why are you being so mean-spirited? What's gotten into you? What's gotten into me? I'm angry! For God's sake, I can't even be left alone in my own house for an afternoon.
You have to drop me off at your house so this fat idiot can babysit me! I'm old and it sucks! I'm sorry, Daddy.
I realize growing old is no fun, but this is no way to act.
I know.
I'm sorry I almost had you shot.
Oh, that's all right.
I got a fever of a 108.
I'm not gonna remember any of this.
And I'm sorry for what I did to your village, Dave.
His name is "Dave"? Yeah.
Get to know these people, okay? Listen, when I get home, I'll transfer enough money so you can rebuild your town.
You've all been very kind.
Yeah, this has been great, guys.
Now all I need is a group photo of me kneeling in the front of the village, so I can brag about what a good person I am.