South Park s14e14 Episode Script

Passengers said the carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement.
Alright, it's late.
I'm gonna call it a night.
You coming? Oh ya know, I can't really sleep.
I'm just gonna stay up a bit.
Have some me time.
Randy, do not watch that no-no channel.
I'm not staying up to do that, Sharon.
Geez.
Alright, come to bed soon.
Man, that is hot.
Oh yeah.
Fuck.
Just look at that rack of ribs! Now those were slow cooked and then braised to bring out the smoky flavor.
God damn.
Yeah! See how that just falls off the bone? That is money, right there.
Yeah, fucking money.
Next on food network it's Paula Dean! Hey ya'll! Tonight we're gonna be making some deep fried chicken.
Oh yeah? My buttery whipped patatas and we're gonna be finishing off with a chocolate pecan pie.
Oh fuck yeah.
Dad, what are you doing? You're just in time! Sit down, sit down! I've made you all breakfast again! Oh crap.
Now what I have for you is a nice goat cheese and heirloom tomato frittata and we're gonna top that with a little creme fraiche.
Oh yeah.
Randy, you've been watching that channel again, haven't you? No! Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made! Wul, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! You think you'd be grateful, Sharon.
I gotta get to work.
I cooked so you guys clean up.
Can I have a pop-tart? Oh this is sweet.
I've seen this episode.
Hello and welcome to progressive.
Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance.
Well, you've come to the right place.
Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico.
Daddy time.
It's daddy tv time.
Now just look at this pork tenderloin.
It is brined and ready for action.
Oh yeah, look at that.
Dad, you know mom doesn't want you watching food channels.
I've worked all day.
I can watch what I want! We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over.
Oh my God that's awesome.
Oh, oh yeah! Woa! Now let's get that on the grill.
See what he's doing, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge so now he can sear the shit out of it.
Look at the char we're getting.
That is what we're going for.
Oooh, isn't that hot guys? Oh, yeah! Don't you just don't you just wanna get in there! We will be right back to good eats.
Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout? Aw, stupid commercials.
Introducing the shake weight.
A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms.
Just grab the piston and go to work one-handed, or double-fisted.
Come on! You just shake it back and forth.
It feels really good in my hands.
Best of all shake weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming, and releasing a cooldown spray.
Boring! Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor.
Just put your finger in the tester and shake weight takes your pulse! Get yours today! Now back to good eats.
Just look at the glaze we got going now on that thing.
Oh man, yeah! That is hot! Alright.
Now here's the really cool part! What we're gonna do is this channel has been blocked by parental controls channel blocked? What the what the hell? Sharon, what are you doing? Just using the parental controls to block some channels.
I wasn't watching food channels.
Then how do you know I blocked them.
I know, cuz I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaww! Thanks for calling the food network hotline.
Billing is 9.
95 for each 60-second period.
To accept, say 'creme fraiche' creme fraiche.
Hi there, I'm Amanda.
What are you up to? Oh hi.
I just thought I'd give the hotline a try.
What are what are you doing? I'm making a pan roasted chicken.
Pan roasted! Like seared on the stove and then put in the oven? Uh-huh.
I've just taken the chicken out of the pan.
It's so moist.
I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.
Yeah? Oh yeah.
Oho, there's lots of browned bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
You gonna deglaze that fucking pan? Oh I'm going to deglaze it.
You wanna help me? If I was there I would.
I'd take some, red wine, about a quarter cup, then get a wooden spoon.
And I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan.
I gotta wooden spoon right here.
It's pretty hard.
Yeah, you gonna put some onion in while you're deglazing? Was thinking about shallots actually.
Oh yeah, shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors.
Fuck yeah.
Randy marsh! Sharon! Your time on food network hotline has expired.
To add more time say 'creme fraiche.
' I don't know what to do, Sheila.
It's like he's a different person.
Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom, he was sitting on the toilet flambeing a pork chop.
Sharon, I'm so sorry.
It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean, I don't exercise anymore at all.
Well, if it will make you feel better about yourself, then workout, Sharon.
Like I have time to go to a gym every day.
There are plenty of things you can buy to help you get a good workout at home.
Have you heard of the shake weight? Help you find anything? Yes I was interested in the shake weights.
Biggest seller the past four months! What model are you looking at? I didn't realize there were different models.
Well you got your standard, your deluxe.
Small to large sizes, but if you're really looking for a workout you might want to try the big Jim.
That woman over there is trying it out.
I think I'll start with the smaller, white ones.
Smaller white ones, yes, ma'am.
Standard or voice assist model? Well, I don't know I would definitely recommend the voice assist.
It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout.
You are doing excellent! Great work! Now switch arms! Wow! Good job! You are amazing! You are very attractive.
And interesting.
Thank you, shake weight.
Come on now, almost finished! Yes! Good! Almost done! Keep going! Keep going! Harder! Faster! Your workout is finished! Here is some cab fare.
Oh wow! Now going to sleep mode.
You guys have no idea how much it sucks.
My dad is obsessed.
Every day it's booby flay this, Gordon ramsay that.
This morning he was pretending to read playboy, but he actually had a bon appetit magazine hidden inside it.
Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super interesting, Stan.
I hope you do it the entire lunch period.
Hello there, children! Aw, what? How's it goin? No! Dad, no! The school was hiring and I got the job.
Isn't that great? Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job.
I quit! Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato encrusted scallop with lobster foam.
And we're gonna top that with some nice creme fraiche.
Lobster foam? It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day! Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza.
It's an Asian slaw on flatbread, deconstructed and topped with a nice parmesan aioli.
Dad, no! I'm gonna tell mom.
Go back to your other job right now.
Stan there is nothing wrong with a man following his passion! Oooh yeah.
Fuck yeah! Mom? Mom! You gotta do something.
Dad's trying to be our new school chef.
Oh I know.
He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess.
Well you gotta tell him to stop, mom! You think your father is going to listen to me? This is a workout reminder.
Time for a workout.
This thing is so great.
It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while.
That's it.
Work it.
Harder.
Faster.
Mom, dad's food sucks and the kids at school are starting to get pissed at me.
Sorry, Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself.
You are independent and strong.
Right.
I spend all my time trying to take care of everybody else.
Switch arms.
I don't need to look good to keep your father interested in me.
I'm just going to do it for me.
You are so motivated and charming.
It is time to take your pulse.
Insert finger.
Do not stop your arms.
Keep going.
Good.
Get your finger up there a little more.
Your pulse is 145.
Faster! Harder! Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh mozzarella.
It's all right here, right now on cafeteria fraiche.
Oh fuck yeah.
Oh yeah.
Man! Dad, what are you doing? Fraiiiiche.
Cafeteria fraiche.
Alright, now for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra virgin olive oil into the pan.
Oh yeah.
Get that all over there.
It's all slick.
It's all wet and slick.
Can we get some food please? Now, olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep the heat low and keep in fraiche.
That's so fucking hot.
Look at that crust is perfect.
Fuck yeah.
Dad you aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef! Quiet on set, please! No dad.
That's enough.
You need to be focusing on getting mom back! Back from where? Oh, this is so nice.
I really needed this.
You are so lovely and elegant.
You can do anything you set your mind to.
Oh thanks, shake weight.
You are a go-getter.
You are strong and confident.
You're right! Tell me again about the women who you do not like.
Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper, and Tammy Bretz at work is just a know-it-all.
Oh you are so witty and alarmingly insightful.
How about a quick workout? A workout? What, right now? Just a quickie.
You can do it.
I don't really like working out in public.
Come on.
You can do it! That's it! Good! Keep it up! Feel the burn.
Harder! Faster! You are amazing! Switch arms.
Oh, that's it.
Yes.
You are getting really good at this.
You are capable of anything.
Harder.
Faster.
I said faster! More.
Do it.
You are almost there.
Home stretch.
Oh, yes.
Your workout is finished.
Your cab fare.
Now go into sleep mode.
We really think this is gonna work, Stan.
All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right? He's not going to listen to us.
We already tried.
He won't listen to us, but he would listen to Gordon ramsay.
That's stupid, cartman.
He does kind of look like him, dude, and Kenny thinks cartman's Gordon ramsay impersonation is really good.
Yeah, it's really good! Let's hear it, cartman.
Right.
Simple, rustic.
Yeah? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me! You're not a fucking chef! Hi, right, Gordon, yeah.
Making a nice, simple beef Wellington.
You're fucking taking the piss yeah? Fuck me you can't cook! You guys, my dad is retarded but he's not that retarded.
Hey Stan, have you seen my oh my God, it's Gordon ramsay! Stan do you know who that is in there? That's the Gordon ramsay.
Uh yeah, dad he'd like to talk to you.
Talk to me? Oh Jesus.
You have not worked out in seven hours.
Oh God, not right now.
Come on.
Let's get to it.
I'm tired.
You have not worked out in seven hours.
Where is that sleep mode button? Cannot go to sleep mode.
You need to workout first.
Come on, just really fast.
Come on.
It won't take long.
Just a quick workout.
Come on.
Please.
Alright, fine.
That's it.
Good.
A little faster.
Harder.
Come on, get into it.
That's it.
Now switch arms.
You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say.
Come on.
You are almost there.
Faster.
Do it faster.
Now going to sleep mode.
What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are? You are having a laugh, hay? Hay, you've got your fucking head up your ass, don't you! Yes, chef! Give up you wanka! You fucking can't cook for shit! Alright dad.
Gordon ramsay says you suck.
It's time to give up.
No Stan! No chef! This is my dream! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, dad! Give up on your dream! Uh excuse me.
Randy marsh? Yes, I oh my God it's Bobby flay! Stan, that's Bobby flay! I heard that Gordon ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food! So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown! What, are you serious? Yes, yes! A culinary battle royal is set to explode here in a school cafeteria.
Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger? Or will the iron chef reign supreme? Hey no, no all you people get out of here.
Hold on! Wait! School cafeteria food needs to be healthy! Why won't people listen to me?! Jamie Oliver! And our celebrity sous chefs! Mario Batali! Paula Dean! And Giada de Laurentis! With her perky tats and gigantic head! Can I just get some God damn tater tots?! Your room is being serviced.
Oh well.
Uh, excuse me! Oh! No! No, sorry! I done with cleaning, thank you.
Please sorry! What's the big deal? She wanted to work out.
You never want to work out.
I just needed help going to sleep, mode.
What.
What.
Come on.
What.
You are amazing and irreplaceable.
What.
How about a quick workout.
What.
Yes, I don't care.
I just want to find out how to return my shake weight.
This is ridiculous.
Give shake weight a break.
Because I want to return it now, I need to know the address of your company.
You are enticing and lovely.
Tell me again about the women you do not like.
I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back.
You are so forthcoming and delightful.
Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest.
Tonight, a school cafeteria in middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle! The very best of the best will cookoff to find out who can make the best school cafeteria food.
It's the hell's kitchen nightmares iron top chef cafeteria throwdown ultimate cookoff challenge! Behind you! Who's cafeteria food will win? These chef's are cooking their hearts out and bringing their a game to serve the kids of this elementary school! These kids have now been waiting over 12 hours for their lunch! Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again.
Kid's food should be hewfy! Why in'nit hewfffy? And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something.
Where is it? I must have left it at home! I'll be right back! The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient.
Creme fraiche! Creme fraiche! Where is it? Where is it? Dammit where is that creme fraiche? Where did I leave that fucking creme fraiche?! It has to be somewhere! Randy, I'm back.
Oh thank God! Sharon! Have you seen my creme fraiche? Randy, we should talk.
I don't have time! I'm cooking right now! Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail.
I don't know how to fix what's wrong but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning? You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon ramsay up my ass, Bobby flay about to kick my ass and the whole world is gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days! What'd you say? I can't sleep, Sharon.
I'm in work mode.
Can I try something? Sharon, what are you oh! A nice ol' fashioned! Oh, that's good.
Oh that's it.
Yeah, now switch arms.
Oh that's good.
Really good.
Wow! How'd you get so good at this? You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Haven't had an old fashioned in a long time.
Oh I'm tired.
You gonna go back to the kitchen? Oh, no.
Fuck that.
I'm going to sleep, babe.
Here, do you need some money or anything? No, I'm good.
Thanks.
I'll get my old job back tomorrow.
Cooking's dumb.
I'm just really sleepy.
Love you, Sharon.
I guess my work here is finished.
Shake weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you? Marriage is important.
Keep your man happy.
When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old fashioned to ease that stress.
I'll remember that now, thanks to you.
It has been nice getting to know you, how about a quick workout, for old time's sake? Just kidding.
I must be going now.
Another lovely woman needs me.
Goodbye.
Customer! Goodbye, shake weight.