Family Guy s14e15 Episode Script

1 (groaning softly) Okay, who'd like to start us off with show-and-tell? Stewie? Yes, today I brought in my mother's driver's license.
Now, if you look closely, she's clearly drunk.
You could put a Breathalyzer up to that photo and she'd get a DUI.
Ha-ha, Stewie's naked! What?! (laughter) Oh, my God! Don't look! Don't look! Cell phones down! Cell phones down! (ominous music playing) (shouts) What the deuce?! Stewie! Run from the monster.
You might have to drive.
(groaning) Thank you all so much for coming this evening to my very fancy dinner party.
Oh, my God! I'm at Glenn Close's house! You look very handsome tonight, Stewie.
Well, thank you.
And you're the prettiest of all the women I know whose name is Glenn.
Everyone, please finish your salads, because our main course tonight is boiled rabbit.
(laughing) (laughter) I-I don't I don't get that.
It seems weird that I'd have a joke in my own dream that I don't get.
Oh, thank you so (shouts) (groaning) Quick, you're almost on! What? I'm on? But I don't know any of my lines! (gasps) It seems today That all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV PETER: But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? (mumbling gibberish) Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us (mumbling gibberish) Pumpkin pie What the hell? Put him on the bench.
Wait, please, no! I just wasn't ready! Don't worry.
We'll put you in soon.
Ho-ho-ho! Is funny because you won't be back! He's a Fam ily Guy! Family Guy 14x15 A Lot Going on Upstairs @elderman (shouts) Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs? Lois, get in here! It's dark and I'm frightened! I think they've got this thing backwards.
Hey, wake up! I had a bad dream, so now your night has to be terrible.
Peter, Stewie's upset.
Scooch over so he can sleep with us.
Oh, come on.
Are you serious? Last time, he kicked me all night.
And I got a big day tomorrow.
I got two shows.
All right, folks, big treat for you today.
He's a little shy.
Put your hands together for Sham-Peter! I'm not shy! I'm angry! I'm in constant pain! This act has been condemned by over 30 nations! I'm gonna kill you all! PETER: Ah, crap.
I can't sleep like this.
And now my mind is racin'.
Like, how does that candle in Beauty and the Beast sing so good? I mean, the teapot I get, 'cause she's a girl.
But the candle, I don't under Oh, he's French.
That's why.
(coughs) (groans) Couch it is, I guess.
Oh, my God.
The couch is gone.
Where the hell is Oh, that's right.
Couchella is this weekend.
(electronic music playing) Hey, man, where you been?! I just had sex with a girl on her period! Dude, that's not a brag! So, how fat are you? 240? Nice.
Oh, Peter! What are you doing down here? Oh, hey, Brian.
Stewie kind of took over our bed, so I'm looking for a place to sleep.
Well, why don't you go up to the attic? I think there's even a futon up there.
Huh.
That's a great idea.
Geez, I'm glad you came along.
I'm gonna sleep better than a cartoon sheriff.
(snoring) (click) (twinkly toes sound effect) (quietly): I was in jail 'cause I killed a bunch of old ladies.
And now that I'm out, I'm gonna do it again.
(light-hearted music cue) Wow, Stewie, you look exhausted.
Yeah, 'cause I was up super late last night, beefing your mom.
My mom's dead.
Yeah, 'cause I beefed her to death.
Whoa, what's your problem? Why are you being such a jerk? I'm sorry, Brian.
I had the absolute worst night.
I had a weird dream.
A frightening dream.
Yeah, Stewie, that's called a nightmare.
Sounds like you must've had your first one.
That's what a nightmare is? I thought "nightmare" meant, like, being invited to an apartment party.
Get a house if you want to have a party.
I'm not going to a party in an apartment.
Relax, it's no big deal.
People have nightmares all the time.
Oh, no, Brian.
I am not living through that horror again.
In fact, I've decided that from this day forward, I shall never allow myself to fall asleep again.
Come on, that's ridiculous.
How do you think you're gonna do that? I don't know.
Maybe I'll get a job working the night shift at a supermarket.
Hey, where's the vegetable aisle? Yeah, right, it's 2:00 a.
m.
You're not here for vegetables.
(dejectedly): Well, I got the 12 cucumbers.
What's wrong? Just this guy at the (sighs) Never mind.
Peter, we have a hamper.
Stop throwing your dirty clothes in the toilet.
Peter? Peter, where are you? (video game sound effects) What's all this? Oh, hey, Lois.
Welcome to the Pete Pad, where the dancing's hot, the drinks are hot Everything's just freakin' hot.
What have you done to the attic? Well, when I slept up here the other night, I realized what a great space it is.
So I dragged up some stuff and turned it into a sweet hangout.
Even made it extra awesome by stealing a real street sign.
(children giggling in distance) (tires screech, thudding) (children scream) I don't understand.
What are you gonna do up here? Eh, mostly just burn the roof of my mouth on unevenly-heated microwave burritos.
Now I'm busy, so close the floor and get out of here.
All right, all right, come on, Stewie.
You've got to stay awake.
I know what'll help.
I'll watch that preview channel that always has inconsistent volumes.
ANNOUNCER: They're mother and daughter but also best friends.
Catch Gilmore Girls on Channel 367.
ANNOUNCER 2 (loudly, blown-out): You can name your own price for hotel rooms! (water gurgling) (exhales) Help! Please! (grunts) Damn it! Why can't I move?! (rattling) (growling) Aah! Stewie, you okay? What happened? I was just sitting here on the couch and I had another nightmare about that horrible monster.
Okay, that's it.
I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.
Really? Oh, thank you, Brian.
And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession with eating pencil erasers.
It's not an obsession.
Mmm, mmm, oh, yeah.
Oh, so rubbery.
Mmm.
It's like a little steak.
Mmm, mmm.
Brian, you really should The world is small and safe when I do this! Okay, Stewie, I read the review of a dream book on Amazon, so I think I can help you.
Literally every other tab is open to Lusty Matures.
Yup, that's what it takes now.
Anyway, it says here that most nightmares are born of subconscious fears.
So maybe if we make a list of the things you're most afraid of, we can face and conquer these fears together, and then your nightmares'll end.
Huh, that's actually a good idea.
Like the U.
S.
Army Reserves.
(explosion) We're completely surrounded.
We need reinforcements.
You know who could really bail us out? Somebody who works five days a week at Enterprise Rent-A-Car.
These new digs of yours are pretty great, Peter.
Hey, I brought construction paper and markers in case you guys want to draw breasts.
Cool.
But before that, who's up for another insulation fight? I'm in.
Heck yeah.
(giggling) Ha! (giggling) Gotcha! Missed me.
Sneak attack! (all giggling) (coughing) What are you doing up here? I need you to take the trash out.
You know what? I'm gonna use this Peter Doesn't Have to Take Out the Trash coupon that I got for my anniversary.
You gave that to yourself.
I don't know, it says "official.
" Oh, forget it, I'll do it myself.
This whole attic business is ridiculous.
Hey, guys, check it out.
I'm a lady.
Joe you hit a home run with that, I want to try it.
All right, Stewie, time to tackle your fears.
Now, it sounds like you're scared of monsters.
So to help you get over it.
here's Frankenstein.
(growls) I'm Frankenstein.
I'm actually really nice.
There's no need to be scared of me.
(growls) Seriously? This is obviously Chris in a costume.
Huh.
Well, that can't be possible.
Because here comes Chris walking in the door right now.
Hey, hey, hey.
Here comes Chris Griffin, a-roodly-toot-toot.
Yeah, okay, whatever, Meg.
Meg? You must be talking about me, a-roodly-toot-toot.
Do they all say "a-roodly-toot-toot"? A lot of them, yeah.
Chris, I'm putting together a load of laundry.
You got anything? (muffled cheering) Damn it, Peter.
Are you guys playing lawn darts in the attic again? PETER: No.
Yay, lawn darts! Peter wins lawn darts.
She's dumb.
She got no idea.
(sighs) (laughing) All right, Peter, that's enough.
It is time to get out of What the hell? Oh, yeah, we put Joe in Stewie's old Jolly Jumper.
You told me this was a paratrooper's harness.
Shut up, baby man.
That's it.
This is our home, not some frat house for you and your friends.
Now, I want you out of this attic now.
No way, we ain't leaving.
We're having too much fun up here.
Quagmire just showed us his Eric McCormack impression.
There could be no such thing.
Well, that's what I said, but then he did it, and I was like, "Oh, all right, okay, yeah, kind of.
" Fine.
You like the damn attic so much? Then enjoy the attic! (electric whirring) Did did she just lock us in here? It looks like it.
Guys, spin me back.
I didn't see what happened.
So, how'd it go last night? Did we cure your nightmares? No, not at all.
They were worse than ever.
Which is why I built this.
What the hell is that? It's a Digital Dream Interface.
You see, once connected to this device, you will be able to enter my sleeping mind, where you will end these horrible dreams once and for all.
I'm gonna do what? (babbles) What what-what does he want? What is he saying? I think he's saying "a-roodly-toot-toot".
We just can't understand him because of the way he talks.
(babbles) Oh, no, no, I think he just needs a ride home.
Stewie, you can't be serious.
Oh, I'm very serious.
You and I will place these cranial impulse receptor caps on our heads, I shall begin my slumber, and And then this thing will actually allow me to enter your dream? That's right, Brian.
I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.
Do-Don't don't say it like that.
And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him.
This isn't a job for the meek, Brian.
When you get in there, you've got to be hard.
Okay, but that felt intentional.
All right, let's get to it.
This is your receptor cap.
Over here is your REM monitor.
What's this thing do? Oh, that's just a little bike bell for fun.
(rings) I found it at the crosswalk where those kids got creamed the other day.
Anyway, let's get started.
Hello? Stewie? Ah, you must be Brian.
I'm Glenn.
Yes, I know.
You were very mean in 101 Dalmations.
Thank you.
Would you like to do the Bristol Stomp? The kids in Bristol are sharp as a pistol When they do the Bristol Stomp How does he even know this? Really somethin' when they join in jumpin' He heard it once in the car.
When they do the Bristol Jeez, Lois is really serious.
I can't believe she left us up here all night.
Damn it, we got to do something.
Maybe if we just scream for help someone'll hear us.
Help! Help! Help! MAN: In case of a bear attack, you should A, lie down, B, run downhill, or C, stand your ground? (whooshing) and just because of the roles I play, people always assume I'm very serious in real life.
Yeah, I could see that.
But I'm not.
I'm very capable of being silly, too.
See, watch, I'll show you.
Fart.
I, uh Did-did did you just say "fart"? Yes, that's me being rather silly.
Well, hello, Brian.
I say, what brings you here? Stewie, hey! I'm here to find and kill the monster that's been causing all your nightmares.
Oh, that sounds wonderful! Let's do it! Oh, but real quick, I'm just gonna turn into Elmo for a second.
Hi, Brian! Elmo speak bad English on educational show! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Okay, I'm back.
Let's go.
This way to the subconscious.
(whooshing) (liquid gurgling) (Muzak playing) Oh, this seems rather pleasant.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, that Glenn Close salad actually wasn't bad.
Yeah, a lot of my dreams have pretty good salad.
Oh, no.
What?! Where are we?! We're at the doctor! Time for a baby shot in your fanny! (yelling) (quiet whimpering) (rhythmic clicking) (both yell) (yelling) (flames whoosh, yelling) (laughing) (yelling) Come give Grandpa a sloppy, old-man, coffee kiss! (yelling) (high-pitched whirring) (growling) Would you like some candy? Help me find my lost puppy? I like your mouth and butt.
(yelling) What the hell was that?! Lois has painted a very dark picture of abduction.
(both grunt) Adult stuff, adult stuff, adult stuff.
The world is scary, adult stuff, adult stuff.
Scary people yelling in another part of the world, adult stuff.
(screams) I wish Mom wouldn't watch the news in front of me! Coming up: a map with a hurricane on it.
(in deep voice): And you don't know your states yet! (upbeat banjo music playing) Aah! That one trip to the petting zoo really messed me up! I saw too much! (whoosh) (yelling) (whoosh) (clacking) (grunts) Stewie, look! (growls) (gasps) It's the monster! Quick, Brian! Kill it! Oh, there you guys are.
I would've been here sooner, but one of my legs is a snake that's very hungry for mice.
(mouse squeaking) (magical chime) (mouse squeaking) (hissing) (grunts) (air whipping) (yells, growling) (growling) (yelling) (hissing) Nice shot.
Get it? Shot? All right, bye! (mice squeaking) You did it, Brian! You killed the monster! (hissing) (gasps) What the hell?! It's me! Oh, my God, you're right! But I I don't understand.
Why am I the source of your fears? Huh.
I'm not sure.
Maybe this means that deep down, the thing I'm most afraid of is disappointing you.
Me? Wh-Why do you care so much about what I think? Well, think about it.
You've been more of a father figure to me than the fat man ever has been or ever will be.
Look, I know I'm always busting your balls, but it's just because you're the only person in this house whose judgment actually matters to me.
Wow.
Thanks, Stewie.
But listen, you-you never have to worry about letting me down.
I'll always be proud of you.
In fact, I already am.
You are? 'Course I am.
I mean, you're only a baby, and yet, you're one of the most amazing people I know.
Well, thank you, Brian.
Well, Stewie, seems like my work here is done.
What's the best way out of here? Oh, yeah, no, that one stays locked until the overnight to Vegas with my college a cappella group.
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.
We all are! You got to talk to Lois! Damn it, you're right.
Lois, let us out of here! No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies! Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress! You wouldn't dare! Don't test me.
I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants! QUAGMIRE: What?! I'm not doing that! You leave my dress alone, Peter! CLEVELAND: If it'll get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.
QUAGMIRE: What, are you nuts?! CLEVELAND: I've been crowning for six hours! PETER: Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening! QUAGMIRE: Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door! JOE: I miss Bonnie! Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can! You did it on the ferry to Block Island! QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God, I'm gonna puke! PETER: That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress! Aah, damn it! MAN (over headphones): Not all snake bites are lethal.
(grunts) (all yelling) There! You happy?! You were too late.
We pooed on the gown.
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.
I barfed on Peter's ass.
I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am I am so sorry.
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.
Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm? I, uh I might I might need two weeks off from this friendship.
Stewie, you awake? Did you have any nightmares? I don't think so.
(gasps) Did you get rid of the monster? Sure did.
Turned out that monster was nothing more than a manifestation of your subconscious desire not to disappoint me.
Apparently, I'm like a father figure to you.
Okay.
Wow.
Somebody's got a big head.
Stewie, I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
All right, that's that's awkward.
How-how am I supposed to respond to that? You are a good person.
Stop complimenting me.
"Oh, I sure hope the dog approves of who I am.
" I'm out of here, weirdo.
(door opens) There's a wedding dress out here covered in (bleep).