Bob's Burgers s15e01 Episode Script

1
[TAMMY] After some
hard-hitting journalism,
we can report that smoky eye
is hotter than shimmer eye.
And now, "the Tina table,"
a chat with one of
Wagstaff's snooze-makers.
[CHUCKLES] I mean news-makers.
♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Branca is back at the table
to tell us about some of his
most memorable mopping moments.
One time, the mop part fell off.
- I was just a man with a stick.
- Whoa.
- Can we do math instead? Please.
- Fractions!
Yikes.
[LABONZ] Just turning it down a little.
Little more, a little more.
- Hoo-boy.
- Next time, part three
of my interview with Mr. Branca:
Stuff he's found in the trash.
It's mostly what you'd expect.
I think I'll leave the
makeup on. I like it.
So, uh, Tina,
"the Tina table" is getting tired.
I mean, it's a little
splintery on this side,
but I'm careful. Ow.
Not the actual table, the segment.
You're losing the kids.
From what I hear in the faculty lounge,
classroom fidgeting is up 40%.
The fifth grade switches
over to a screen saver
of a kelp forest when you come on.
But that is a good screen saver.
It is, but unless you can deliver
a fresh, fun interview
that kids want to watch,
I'm gonna have to ax the "table."
- The actual table, or
- The segment.
- Oh.
- Well, eh, maybe both.
I'll have to get it out of here somehow.
[SIGHS]
I can't believe "the Tina
table" might get cancelled.
- I know.
- Crazy, yeah.
Hey, Jimmy Jr., you enjoyed
today's "Tina table," right?
I kind of missed it. I was watching Zeke
try to put his elbow in his mouth,
which no one has ever done.
[STRAINS] I'll get there. I can do it.
- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]
But Tina, if you do get kicked off,
you should make a giant stink on air.
- The best kind of stink.
- Like when Channel 13 rebooted
get on up with Chuck and Pam,
and then Pam got kicked off
and it was just get on up Chuck.
Today, we're losing a valued
member of our Channel 13 family.
Pam is leaving to spend
more time being fired.
You do one what should have
been award-winning story
on work safety violations at Channel 13,
and suddenly, they're not
renewing your contract.
Yes, Pam, you always tell it like it is,
even though that grip
was clearly standing
in the wrong place underneath that thing
and so was that other
guy that other time.
Chuck, you're literally
a worm with eyes
- [CLATTERING]
- [MAN GRUNTS]
You all right, Sully? He's all right.
- Come on, what a pro.
- [GROANS]
I don't want to get pammed.
I've got to find a good interview.
Maybe Zeke, if he can make
that elbow thing happen?
- [GRUNTING]
- Damn. Not looking good.
[LINDA] And every part of the
body is cut off and lying there.
Feet, ears, nose.
Looks like someone took
apart a big Mr. Potato Head.
- Whoa.
- Um, what are you talking about?
B-Bob, please. Quiet during the movie.
Oh, you're doing that
thing where Linda describes
a horror movie to you because
you're too scared to go see it.
Yes, Bob, I love horror movies,
but I can't actually watch them
'cause I'll lie awake in bed all night
waiting for the thing in
the movie to come murder me.
- So, I-I need to do it this way.
- Makes perfect sense.
So, the mouth part is still on the head,
and it's talking to the girl, like,
"I'm still gonna kill you!"
So she picks up the head
and rolls it down the hill and says,
"that was the seventh
weirdest thing I ever saw."
- And that's Saw VII.
- Wow.
Saw VII was even better than Saw VI,
when the girl saw that other thing.
- Hmm.
- Well, I'm gonna put my adrenaline rush
to good use and go snake a drain.
- Bye.
- Bye.
The Saw movies are about
someone who saw stuff?
You know I can't watch
the movies as fast
as Teddy wants to hear about them.
Yeah, but Lin, you're
just making stuff up.
So? Teddy's happy and I enjoy it.
- It's a perfect system.
- I guess,
if he wasn't tipped off
by your Friday the 13th
where Jason goes on a shopping spree.
Oh, and he tells the snooty saleslady,
"you work on commission,
right? Big mistake. Huge."
And then he stabs
her with a credit card.
Yep.
[FROND] Ms. Schnur,
is, uh, Principal Spoors in?
Thought I'd follow up in person
on my follow-up phone
call on my other calls.
I really want to show him the
project I've been working on.
Mr. Frond, sometimes it's important
to listen to the silence.
I'll just sit here and wait for him.
Oh, goody for me.
Hi, Ms. Schnur. So, I
kind of desperately need
a cool person to interview
and I thought, "hey,
who's cooler than Principal Spoors?"
He does like Wagstaff school news.
- He even watches "the Tina table."
- [TINA] Oh, great.
- But he doesn't do interviews.
- Oh.
- Like Beyoncé.
- [SIGHS] Okay, thanks.
Uh, Tina, could I see you in my office?
Oh, is this because
I seem a little down?
What? No. I mean-I mean, sure.
So, it's perfect. I need
Principal Spoor's eyeballs,
you need a big interview.
So, interview me on "the Tina table."
I guess what you're working on
does sound kind of interesting.
Do you think you could also
put your elbow in your mouth?
- What?
- Never mind. Let's do it.
Sally Marshall, Tilda
Stroot and Lenny Destefano.
So if you did not hear your name,
you're not invited to
Jocelyn's birthday party.
But you can still give me
a present. Just kidding.
Unless you really want
to, then I'll take it.
- And now ugh "The Tina table."
- My guest today is Mr. Frond, the
- Imagine.
- Oh
Imagine a world where
everyone has a guidance counselor
just a click away, ready to share
the most precious gift
of all counseling.
- Imagining it.
- Now imagine a video game
- Video game?
- That can tell you
who you are and
what's wrong with you
Just like I would
Based on how you play.
- And how does it work if you're
- Stop imagining.
- Oh.
- Because it's right here.
Working with top-notch
software developers,
I have created the Final Frond-tier.
In the game, you try to
protect a convoy of spaceships
- from space pirates.
- And that's counseling
- because, um
- The best way to show you
is for you to play.
- Okay.
- Just follow the prompts.
Your decisions will tell the program
what it needs to know.
"Your fleet is attacked
and you take damage
"to your power plant.
"Do you send remaining power to shields,
send remaining power to lasers
or attempt to negotiate?"
- What's the right choice?
- Full power to lasers.
- [COMPUTER CHIMING]
- "Game over.
You have arrived with two
ships remaining in your convoy."
Okay. Two is better than none.
[CHUCKLES]
[COMPUTER] Evaluating
emotional profile.
[COMPUTER] You are
conscientious, a truth finder.
Something to work on
Maybe you care too much?
Wow. Nailed me.
Thanks for being my guest,
and that's the "table."
- [KID] And we're clear.
- [PHONE VIBRATES]
Principal Spoors. Y-You saw it?
You loved it?
Well, it could use a little
more testing what's that?
Roll it out without more
testing? Sounds good.
I want to play space games to find out
- what's wrong with me.
- You should.
I just heard from the fifth grade.
They didn't switch over
to the kelp forest once.
- You did it, Tina.
- I did?
Keep it up and I might
expand the "table."
You mean, the segment or the
- Both!
- Great.
Can you believe it? Principal Spoors
approved $75 in funding.
- My game's a hot start-up.
- What?
[COMPUTER] You have
issues with aggression.
Something to work on
Taking it down a notch.
Aggression? Huh. Maybe
I am aggressive ow.
Not interested in the game, Henry?
I don't use computers to
understand my feelings.
I use computers to escape my feelings.
I use chicken shawarma
to escape my feelings.
Who's got two tightly clenched
fists and aggression issues?
- This guy.
- Aggression?
Rudy, that doesn't sound like you.
No, I think it does, Louise.
Sorry, didn't mean to take
your head off like that.
- Damned aggression.
- Rudy, chill.
[COMPUTER] You are an introvert.
Hey, everyone, I'm an introvert!
[COMPUTER] You have issues
with sibling rivalry.
- Ooh, that's what I got.
- [GRUNTS]
-[COMPUTER] You are a conformist.
-What?
Something to work on
Not being a pushover.
Pushover? I'll push you over, computer.
So, the game said I'm too
closed off emotionally.
I was thinking maybe we could have
a long talk about life sometime?
Sure! Uh, I mean, sure.
Cool. Cool.
[LINDA] So the
babysitter's boyfriend says,
"bummer, the power's out.
"But I got some delicious bean dip
I left in my car. I'll
pop out and get it."
- [PHONE VIBRATES]
- No, buddy, don't get
- the delicious bean dip.
- Oh, intermission, Teddy.
I got to take this, it's Gayle.
Her cats don't like the new litter
and I said I'd help mediate on speaker.
Linda, you can't stop in the middle.
I'm gonna lose my goose bumps.
Uh, hey, m-maybe Bob can finish it.
- He, uh, saw it, too.
- What?
- Uh, no, I-I I can't.
- Sure you can.
It's the latest Scream one.
The one with the bean dip?
- Okay uh, fine.
- Yay.
I'm on, Gayle. Can everyone hear me?
- Hi, it's Aunt Linda
- Uh, okay, so,
uh, um, uh, the-the babysitter
is waiting for the guy.
And, uh, she looks out the window,
and there-there's, um,
a-a different guy there.
Uh, maybe I'll wait for Linda.
No offense, but you're ruining it.
No, no, no, I-I just thought of
I, uh, remembered what happened.
- I-I got it.
- Doesn't seem like it.
Uh, then, her "boyfriend"
comes back and sits down next to her.
And he hands her a bowl
and a tortilla chip.
- [TEDDY] Yeah?
- [BOB] And she looks down,
and it's not bean dip, it's
her boyfriend's intestines!
- Aah!
- A-And just then,
the high school glee
club pulls up in a van,
and they're all singing a cappella,
- so they don't hear her screaming.
- [DISTANT SCREAM]
Their singing blends
with her screams, Teddy.
- It harmonizes.
- Oh, my god.
This is the best movie I've never seen.
[BOB] I just felt so alive, Lin.
I didn't know where I was going,
I just knew I was gonna get there.
I mean, some of your details
were a little much, what I heard.
Like, the blood dripping off the machete
making the killer flash back
to a melting ice cream cone
his mother bought him?
- I mean, come on.
- That's symbolism.
- That's just craft.
- Stupid.
Hey, my cute stuffs, how was school?
Good. I reported on a computer game
that tells you all
about yourself and now
"the Tina table's" back on top, baby!
But does it tell us about ourselves?
I mean, it's a computer,
it probably knows what it's doing.
- Huh. Me, a conformist?
- Well
It said I’m a "studious bookworm."
There, see? Uh, wait.
People do have hidden qualities.
Like, I didn't know
until today that I was
- a master horror storyteller.
- Here we go.
I got to do a follow-up on that game.
It's total "table" candy.
And I got to go studiously
use the toilet. Sir, madam.
My exposé into how
banana and kiwi smoothies
taste together is being cut
to bring you an expanded "Tina table."
And I'm cool with that
because the game says
I'm easygoing and generous.
Welcome back, Mr. Frond. New look?
It's tech visionary-ish.
Same with the stubble.
- Not seeing any stubble, but
- It-it it's there.
- So, the Final Frond-tier
- Thanks for asking, Tina.
I am honored to announce my proposal
to rename the computer
lab the iFrond Counseling
and Unattended Emotional
Diagnostic Center.
Catchy? So, can you talk
more about how the game works?
Uh, you know, the computer computes.
- [TINA] Uh-huh.
- Excuse the jargon.
And can you say anything
about those top-notch
software developers you mentioned?
So, what you're basically asking
is what does it feel
like to change the world?
To disrupt the paradigm?
- That wasn't really what I was
- It feels humbling
- slash Nobel-ish?
- [SCOFFS]
Hey, Tina, great interview,
but what's with the tough questions?
You do remember the first
rule of TV journalism, right?
- Floss?
- Keep it puffy and fun.
Which I call "fuffy."
But isn't it sort of
weird that Mr. Frond
- won't even answer how he
- Uh, ah-ah-ah.
[CHUCKLES] That's not fuffy.
Plus, I played the Final Frond-tier,
and it told me I have
major trust issues, Tina.
So from now on, I'm just
believing anything anyone says.
♪
- Ooh, the Frond-tier nation ♪
-
yeah, math equation ♪
movie summarization ♪
♪
wood restoration ♪
Oh, yeah! ♪
Andy, you're not sitting with Ollie?
No, we think we're in a fight
so we're giving each other space.
Thank you for the space, Ollie.
You're welcome. I miss you!
I miss you, too!
You look pretty.
Yeah, things are weird now.
[JOCELYN] Hi, I'm letting you know
my birthday party is canceled.
I'm so sad, but I'm an introvert.
Hey, Jimmy Junior, want
to wrestle me over there
in front of Chloe Barbash?
Gotta warn you, I'm aggressive.
- [SHOUTS] Ow.
- I don't want to wrestle,
but I would discuss my
vulnerabilities with you.
- Does that help?
- Mm.
Okay, things are a little off, but
Kids are told some crap about themselves
and believe it just because
a video game said so?
It's like that thing, uh,
with the pill that doesn't do anything.
- Tic Tacs?
- Placebo. The placebo effect.
And come on top-notch
software people?
Do we really think Mr. Frond's gonna
get ahold of top-notch anything?
Hey, there's Mr. Frond now.
Walking out carrying
a bunch of juice boxes.
- Must be nice.
- Hmm.
I've got sugar.
I don't want any more sugar. I just want
to take a break, see the outside world.
Not too outside, but still.
You can take a break when
the stupid game works, Henry.
We can't keep faking it forever.
- [TINA] Faking it?
- Aah!
Mr. Frond!
Also, are those juice boxes spoken for?
I knew it! Final Frond-tier.
More like Fraud-tier.
It was all fake? And your
top-notch software developers
are a 13-year-old boy?
I work in a school.
It's not like I meet any adults.
Mr. Frond wanted a quick prototype
to show Principal Spoors.
I cranked it out over recess
in exchange for pizza and
a college recommendation.
But it's just a beta with no back end.
Excuse me, our father's
a beta with no back end.
He had me fake your results
to look good on air, Tina.
Everybody else has
gotten something random
I took off the Internet.
But, Mr. Frond, why?
I was gonna finish the game,
but then Spoors wanted it
right away so I was like, "okay, cool."
Well, I hope you don't
mind open containers,
'cause Tina's gonna
blow the lid off this.
You can't prove anything.
And Henry signed a
nondisclosure agreement.
I really should have
run that by my lawyer.
My lawyer's my mom.
Besides, Tina, we've both benefited.
It's a great story.
And Henry's probably just
one pizza away from finishing
the nerd part, and I'll
do the psychobabble part.
Psychobabble, qu'est-ce que c'est?
And, hey, Principal Spoors is in talks
with the superintendent
to roll out the game
across the whole school district.
I could announce it on "the Tina table."
The only thing that's gonna
roll is your head, Mr. Frond.
Tina, this is when we leave.
With all the sass you can muster.
- [GROANS]
- Oh, zero sass.
A different approach.
[TEDDY] So there's a lot of buzz
about this new one that's streaming
Subcutaneous Evil. I heard the director
is from around here someplace.
I think they're even gonna do
a special screening with the guy.
I'll tell it. I saw it last night.
Or I could tell it,
'cause we saw it together, right?
Yeah, but I noticed you
were kinda nodding off
during the fun, interesting parts,
and then woke up for the
long-winded, heavy-handed parts.
Hmm. That's funny 'cause I
remember you being awake for
more of the tangential stuff
- that took the movie off track.
- [LINDA SCOFFS]
You guys sound like you
need to get more sleep.
So, it's set in a French village
in the middle ages.
We hear Latin chanting.
It's a midnight exorcism.
Then a scream, and
the priest is flung out
a stained glass window.
[LINDA] Then the camera
pulls back and we see
this is all just a dumb movie
a bunch of hot college kids
are watching on TV at a cabin.
And they turn it off and
say, "that's the worst movie
- we've ever seen."
- [TEDDY] Classic.
[LINDA] Then the girl who looks
like a young Meg Ryan but dances
like a young Jennifer Grey
That comes up later
Says, "where are the extra-pointy
marshmallow skewers we brought?"
[BOB] But it doesn't matter
because she drops through a hole
in the floor that leads to
another dimension. A dumb one.
Meanwhile, there's an
ancient monastery next door
[LINDA] That's suddenly hit by a meteor,
- and there's nothing left.
- [BOB] Mm.
This movie's wild. I love it.
[TINA] I don't know what to do!
If I take the game down on the air,
that's not very fuffy
and I could lose the show.
And are things really that bad now?
Tammy's much less awful than usual.
And-and Jimmy Junior's been
very emotionally available.
Last night he had me on the
phone for an hour telling me
about every time he's cried
since he was six years old.
It was a little much, actually, but
Tina, Mr. Frond is messing with nature.
I heard Andy and Ollie
peed in separate urinals.
And Ms. Twitchell says I
need to work on reducing
my classroom participation. Is that bad?
Ugh! I wish I had
someone to talk to who's
been in this situation.
Oh! Maybe you can.
So, keep it fuffy,
or tell it like it is
and lose everything?
What do you think, Pam?
It's kind of all up to you now.
[PAM] So you're not my Postmates?
No, it's Tina, Gene and Louise.
Again, we've met a few times.
And you got my address how?
We called the station
and said we were you,
and we forgot our address.
Great. Look, um, Tina,
I think, inside, you
already know what to do.
TV journalism is a sacred trust.
When I left Channel 13,
all I had was my pride.
I was scared. I didn't know
if there was life after TV.
- And you know what?
- Yeah?
- There isn't. - What?
- What?
Not being on TV sucks.
It's 4:00 and I'm not even dressed yet.
I don't remember when I put
on this sweatshirt. Monday?
You need to do whatever you can
to stay on that box.
Okay, bye, Pam.
Do you guys see my Postmates?
So, uh, great.
We know not to listen to her, right?
Tina, don't listen to Pam.
Tina? Tina.
I'm, uh, I'm glad you
came to your senses.
This is a win-win for us both.
- Right.
- How's my cat hair situation?
- Bad.
- Darn it.
Guys, we're on in five. Big smiles.
The news is about smiles.
Tina, please,
- you have to stop him.
- Louise, no.
- I'm keeping it fuffy.
- Ugh.
Is she allowed in here?
Uh, she is not. Tammy, some muscle?
Mm. Sorry, you have to go.
Do you want one of my
pre-show banana chips?
- I'm generous.
- Ugh!
Oh, I missed a call
from Teddy last night.
- Like a Booty call?
- What?
Like when your Booty accidentally
calls someone from your pocket.
Lin, that's not
There's a message. Oh, no.
- Oh, no.
- What?
He said he was about to head out
to that special director's screening
of Subcutaneous Evil.
But-but we already told him the movie.
He said we made it sound so
exciting he had to go see it.
Damn it, we're too good.
Now he knows we made everything up.
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. Should we move?
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
- [ENTRY BELLS JINGLE]
- Aah! - Aah!
- Bob, Linda.
- Teddy, hi.
- Hey, buddy.
- [WEAK CHUCKLE]
Uh, so, uh, di-did you
go to that screening
or-or bail at the last minute, maybe?
- No, I went to it, Bob.
- Great, great, great.
- Oh, good.
- I bet that was like
a director's cut, uh,
with, uh, all new scenes.
Probably felt like a
different movie, even, right?
It did. That came up
later at the Q and A.
Hi. Hello.
Uh, my question is, uh,
what the hell is going on?!
Yeah, right, and my follow-up
is why are you lying?!
- Okay, that
- Where's the real movie?!
- Why? Why'd you do it?
- We're so sorry, Teddy.
We just couldn't keep up.
We've got kids, we go to bed early.
And it was fun?
Eh, yeah, I get it.
- You do?
- Actually
I was sitting there last night
and, sure, I was terrified.
But I was kind of bored, too.
You were bored and terrified?
Yeah, it was so formulaic.
No magic. Your movie was way better.
Aw. But who told it better?
Well, you both have a style
that adds a certain charm.
- Right. But seriously.
- Yeah. - Uh
- I mean - I mean, come on.
- Uh
- Say it.
- Don't make me choose!
- Okay, okay.
- All right, all right.
Anyway, hey, there's
this new Halloween movie.
You guys see it?
- We saw it.
- Yeah, we saw it.
So what happens?
It's set a hundred years ago.
And Michael Myers'
- Great-great-grandfather
- Yeah?
Also escapes from an insane asylum.
[LINDA] And it's Valentine's
day and he's in love.
[BOB] Halloween takes
place on Valentine's day?
[TEDDY] Wow! A twist already.
So, we're in talks and soon, kids
all over the school
district will be playing
- the Final Frond-tier.
- Great.
Hey, why don't you play
the Final Frond-tier
- right here on "the Tina table"?
- Me play? That's fun.
Creator playing his creation.
- Fuffy. I like it.
- Uh, let's see.
A mutiny has broken out
on one of the convoy ships.
Uh-oh, mutiny. He just
got handed a hot potato.
-[GAME CHIMES]
-Oh, no. Everyone got space cholera.
Darn. Well, that happens.
- Let's hear your profile.
- [COMPUTER] Evaluating.
You are unstable and amoral.
Probably dangerous.
Wha [WEAK CHUCKLE]
It's-it's a glitch.
Something to work on
Staying away from everyone.
I always knew.
No. [CHUCKLES] It's-it's wrong.
It's-it's a bug.
Kids have been playing all week.
- How could it be a bug?
- Well, it's still in beta.
But it's rolling out district-wide.
Is it ready or not, Mr. Frond?
Of course it is. I-I'm
disrupting the paradigm.
I'm [GROANS] No one tells you
how hot these things are.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Well?
All right. It's all lies!
The game just says random gibberish.
It's-it's all a big lie.
Phew. It was exhausting
being aggressive.
Oh, thank god. I'm great,
everyone else is [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [PHONE CHIMING]
- Crap. It's Principal Spoors.
I'll just let it go to voice mail.
I think he's watching us live
- right now in his office.
- Oh f
I can't believe Mr. Frond
said "fart" on the air.
Ye-yes sir, I
I understand. We tell the school board
you were just kidding about the rollout,
and I-I won't touch
the computers anymore.
And I'll change out of
the turtleneck immediately.
But your neck is better turtled.
I thought you were on my side, Tina.
You and Louise argued about it.
Fake fight. To get
you to drop your guard.
I was gonna change the world.
You could have been part of it.
But if you have to lie and cheat
and cut corners to change the world,
wh-what kind of world
are you left with anyway?
Crap, I wish I'd thought
of that on the air.
You're right. You're right!
Weird vibe over here.
So, great buzz on the "table."
It was courageous but
also fun but also newsy.
Which I've decided to call "curfuewsy."
- That saves time.
- Curfuewsy!
If you say it twice, I don't know
if it still saves time. It's fine.
Tina, how did you
know the game would say
all that stuff about me?
- I took care of that part.
- [GASPS]
Like you had Henry fix my results.
And now, I'm free of you forever.
But you're still gonna write
my college recommendation, right?
Yeah, fine.
Party's back on. Don't
wear that, though.
Party's back on. Just
you, not you, sorry.
Hey, Tina, I know we
blocked out two hours tonight
to talk about times I felt stuff.
- Yeah, um
- But Zeke got new sneakers
that make a cool squeaky sound,
so I was gonna watch him
do some sneaker squeaks.
- I'm gonna squeak out!
- Oh, phew.
- I mean, cool.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
The game was right about one thing.
Tina, you are kind of a truth finder.
- And I'm bookish. - No. Uh-uh.
- No. Hey, Mr. Branca.
Next "Tina table" You, me, dustpans?
I'll bring my favorite one.
- You know what I named it?
- Dusty?
Have we already talked about this?
Hey, save it for the show.
Conscientious truth finder ♪
'twas the Final Frond-tier ♪
finding truth conscientiously ♪
watch my dreams disappear ♪
hunting down facts and such ♪
I could have made
the world better ♪
One problem I care too much ♪
time to take off my ♪
- time to take off my ♪
- time to take off your ♪
- take off my ♪
- take off your ♪
- turtleneck sweater ♪
- turtleneck sweater. ♪
FROND: A lot of cat hair.