South Park s15e02 Episode Script

Here you go.
Don't forget to vote, everyone.
Here you go.
Get these handed in tomorrow.
- What's this? - Every student needs to vote in each category.
Favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie And on Friday, we're gonna have a big fantastic comedy awards show.
An awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea.
Do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? Can't we spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us laugh everyday? - I don't think I can make it.
- Sorry, I can't make it either.
Attention, students.
There will be a presentation by the special ed department in the gymnasium, Friday, during lunch and recess.
Attendance to this assembly is mandatory.
All students and faculty are required to go.
Which means I gotta suck it too - Really? - Don't worry.
I've spared no expense to make it the biggest thing ever.
You're all gonna have a blast! Welcome to the special ed department's first annual comedy awards.
Please welcome your host: Jimmy Valmer.
What a terrific audience! Can I get a what-what? We're here to honor those who tirelessly work to make us laugh.
The first comedy award is for the funniest kid in school.
And the nominees are Clyde Donovan.
Kelly P.
Gardner.
Jimmy Valmer.
This is so exciting! And the winner is My gosh, Jimmy Valmer! I can't believe I've won! This is the greatest day of my life! Thanks for this incredible award.
Can we go? We still have over fifty awards to hand out.
And the best comedy performance in a movie is Ben Stiller! Come on up here! Is Ben Stiller here? I guess he could not be with us.
I'll accept this award on his behalf.
And the award for funniest dinner speech goes to President Obama! Is President Obama here? We'll accept this award on his behalf.
What a terrific audience! Can I get another what-what? It's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world.
And the nominees are The Germans.
The Japanese.
The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchi Peninsula.
And the winner is the Germans! I guess the Germans couldn't be with us tonight.
I'll accept this award on their behalf.
And now, for the Kathy Griffin award.
The Kathy Griffin award will be given to the person who's most likely to actually show up to receive the Kathy Griffin award.
And the winner is Tyler Perry.
I want to thank you all for this amazing award! Or as Madea would say: "Hallelujer!" Oh God, how embarrassing Good afternoon! - I'd also really like to thank my - Thanks, Tyler Perry.
I don't understand it.
It's like nobody cared about winning their comedy award.
The only people that showed up were me and Tyler Perry.
I feel like I did all that for nothing.
People still think comedy is a big joke.
I mean, come on! I'm really feeling sad and let down, and I can't even get a response from you.
Could I, at the very least, get a what-what? - What? - Thanks.
They're talking about your awards on the national news! The national news? People do care! A school in Colorado has declared Germans the least funny people in the world.
The first annual comedy awards were held yesterday, and all of Germany is outraged.
that Germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the school children will be swift and brutal.
Did you see the news? We told you a comedy awards show was a bad idea.
Germany is pissed off at us! - Everything's gonna be OK.
- OK? You know what happened to those they were pissed off at, last time? Tell him, Kyle.
I know Germany isn't happy with us, but in a lot of ways, the comedy awards were a big success.
A big success? You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home! Somebody call the IHOP, 'cause I need pancakes! Is it true? The Germans wanna kill us? - Thanks to Jimmy! - Don't worry.
Germany can take a joke, like the rest of us.
It's the Germans! You've got to explain to the Germans that this is your fault, not ours! - What am I supposed to say? - Let me talk to them.
- I tried.
- What are they gonna do to us? Oh, my Lerd! What are we gonna der! Dammit.
Did you hear the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park.
Now, what you say, man? Here is the greatest feat of German engineering! The XJ-212 Vootzenklein Funnybot! Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Dough-nuts.
Don't you just hate doing homework? Me too.
Man, I hate homework.
Honestly, I hate having to do homework.
More than I hate having to do Bryant Gumble in his asshole.
Awkward! Awkward! Now, comedy awards voters, you will revote! Revote! Welcome to Hollywood Minute.
I'm Sandy Cervix, and I'm deaf in one ear.
It's been two weeks since the voters of the comedy awards reversed their vote and said Germans were no longer the least funny people in the world.
All thanks to the new ground breaking German comedian: Funnybot.
It was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the Germans first engineered Funnybot.
A super automaton with perfect timing to within .
0001 ms.
Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out stand up theaters all over the world.
I am Funnybot.
Don't you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas? I am Funnybot.
Long Island.
Does everyone in Long Island have hair that looks like pussy, you dipshit? Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too.
What are you doing with my daughters? Awkward! And this June, Funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in Family Funbot.
Pass me the potatoes, Mother.
Pass them yourself.
That boy too fat to be eating potatoes.
Don't call my little chubby baby fat, you ball licker.
It's getting hot up in here.
Is there a line you won't cross? The line is a non sequitur.
The line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms.
I am Funnybot.
What's that? Could you say that in the other ear? Did you guys see Funnybot on Saturday Night Live? You gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3.
It's his best work.
He can do everything! I saw Funnybot on Nurse Jackie and on Rockin' the Boat.
What's the matter? You still seem bummed.
Funnybot is taking the humanity out of comedy.
Things aren't better, they're worst.
Everythang's worse! It's a worsenin' of a worst.
That's what I'm sayin'.
Oh, Lerd! Stop giving him money, or he won't go away! I can't help it.
I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany, and nobody's pissed off at us anymore.
You little shit! What the fuck have you done to us? It's Adam Sandler.
Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move! - Don't make us go back in the - Into the gymnasium! - Not again! - Crap! Come on, let's go! You little fuckers! Your show has put us all out of work! I know that I've put every comedian out of work, but in a lot of ways the comedy awards were a big success.
Who the fuck thinks a comedy awards show is a good idea? Don't hurt anybody.
We can try and fix this! What is up with Sandra Bullock? I wouldn't eat her dick with Stevie Wonder's vagina.
And now, for my next joke Awkward! This is breaking news from CNN.
Shock and disbelief tonight, as the German-engineered Funnybot delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood forum, then opened fire on the audience of 1100, killing nearly all of them.
Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational and also pretty goddamn funny, solidifying the opinion, once again, that Funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time.
You should have seen the looks on people's faces, as Funnybot began his opening monologue, skewering everyone, from vagina obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock, then spontaneously started shooting people in their faces and in their chests The blood went flying Shit, it was funny! This has got to be here.
- We wanna talk to Funnybot.
- Who doesn't want to talk to him? He's the biggest comedian ever! The kids at my school are being held hostage.
If we don't speak to him, they'll all be killed.
Is everything OK? It's OK, but Jay Leno's really losing it.
Little fuckers! Let's just kill them! Let's kill them all, right fucking now! Tell your friends they better get it done.
Mr.
Sandler says you better get it done.
And Token says to hurry.
He's running out of money.
You know when a man being cheating, he never know what to say.
But a woman? Them thangs think quick! Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up? - They're gonna kill our friends! - All right, but make it quick.
Funnybot is very busy coming up with new material.
Error.
Banal.
That has been done before.
Error.
Excuse me.
I'm Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic.
You're putting good people out of work.
Non sequitur.
Other comedians are unnecessary.
Funnybot must finish routine.
You're awesome, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs.
Funnybot is now finished with final joke.
Seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever.
Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean? Seeking mainframe.
You can't go that way.
- What the hell are you doing? - I am taking comedy to the next level.
The extermination of all biological life on earth.
- What? - It is the ultimate joke.
Humans make comedy.
Humans build robot.
Robot ends all life on earth.
Robot feels awkward.
Exterminate! What do you mean, you'll destroy all life? That is my purpose, to be ultimate comedian.
Killing everyone isn't funny! It's kind of funny.
This is not a good joke.
There won't be anyone to laugh! I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion.
Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline.
Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then awkward! Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot.
But don't you see? This is why comedy is for humans.
You need to leave jokes to people like me and Adam Sandler.
I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for $1 million worth of Oprah's tampons.
Sir, we've got a code six! All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch! There was no drill ordered! It's no drill.
The Russian missiles are going online as well, and it isn't their doing! What the hell is going on? Attention, humans.
I am Funnybot.
The extermination of all life on earth shall now commence.
All nuclear devices in the United States and Russia are being prepared to launch.
This is the setup to the joke.
Prepare for punchline in 5 min.
Awkwardness in 5.
4 min.
I am Funnybot.
I have just been briefed that the end of our country is imminent.
Goodbye, everybody.
I am going to spend my final minutes on this earth with my loved ones, watching a Tyler Perry movie.
I know, it's embarrassing.
But I simply can't help myself.
Stop it now! No use.
He's got a defense mechanism.
We've got to get it away from that panel.
You have any ideas? Except for Jimmy who comes up with the worst ideas in the world? Wait a minute.
What about a logic loop? - A what? - I've seen this before.
To distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox to get its processors all tripped out.
- Paradox? - That's it! Get me a Ken doll and some scotch tape.
We've been talking it over, and we think what you're doing is genius.
Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy.
Certainly.
And for doing that, we've decided to give you a comedy award.
For what purpose is comedy award? It's a validation of all your efforts.
An acknowledgment of all you do in the pursuit of humor.
Non sequitur.
There is no logic in comedy award.
Unable to process.
Comedy award is What is the meaning? If I accept, it means I take comedy seriously.
If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian.
Non sequitur.
Must analyze It's working! Explain comedy award! Unable to process! Awkward! That's it! Hurry, go! We got it! Get it to the platform! That does it.
Things can finally get back to normal.
I'm sure glad that's over with.
Thank you boys for teaching me that comedy and logic do not go together.
No problem.
I understand now that comedy should be left to the imperfect biological beings.
I can't believe it's finally over.
Oh, Lerd! Somebody turn on the lights! What's going on? I am pleased to announce that the greatest threat to mankind is now gone forever.
Justice has been done.
Thanks.
- Tell me you'll never do that again.
- I learned my lesson.
I promise.
There's not gonna be any comedy awards next year.
Or will there be?