Bob's Burgers s15e03 Episode Script

1
[BOB HUMMING]
[GRUNTS] Got to be some in there.
[SOFT GRUNTING]
Nope, that's just water.
Hmm. "Une bouteille de shampooing."
[SNIFFS] Smells like lilies?
Also, happiness?
Eyebrows and mustache, get in on this.
- Morning, kids.
- Hello. - Morning.
- Whoa. You look really nice today, Dad.
- I do?
Yeah. I mean, not your clothes
No offense. I think
it's your hair, maybe?
It looks good.
- You wearing a wig?
- No, Louise.
You do look really great today, Bob.
Your hair's got a lot of body.
And your body has a lot of hair.
I used that stuff that
was on top of the toilet.
- Pee-pee? - Oh,
no! The fancy stuff?
I was gonna use that.
You didn't use it all, did you?
- Um
- Aw, nuts.
I found it yesterday
and I wanted to try it.
Wait You found it? W-where?
Out at the dumpster.
That's my special lady.
You got shampoo from a dumpster?
- Yeah!
- [TINA] What, um
else around here do
you get from dumpsters?
- Not food, right?
- Don't you worry about it.
I like dumpster eggs.
You can taste the danger.
[FROND] So, if you find
any of the chess club's
missing chess pieces,
check with us, mate. Check mate.
I was being Australian,
because of the way they
say "mate" all the time
You guys don't care. Okay, uh
and one more announcement.
This afternoon's lunch
recess is canceled.
What?
[FROND] No students will be
permitted outside after lunch,
and must either go directly to the gym,
or, if you're more of
a reader than a do-er,
- you may go to the library.
- Mm.
[FROND] And any students
found outside after lunch
- are gonna get in so much trouble
- [GROANS]
their grandchildren will have detention.
Yes, we can do that.
Okay, have a great day!
No recess? Is that even legal?!
Labonz, get me on the horn
with the superintendent.
- [LABONZ] No.
- Dang it!
- It is shiny. And bouncy.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, less matted down
with grease than usual.
Thank you.
Well, I better get going.
T-minus 45 minutes
until funeral blastoff.
That-that's not a technical term.
Just making it fun.
I'm allowed to have fun sometimes.
- Right.
- No, of course.
Bye!
I like Mort, but he always
makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I got to get going, too.
Want to get to my job early
so I can finish in time
to pick up Kathleen this afternoon.
Oh, right. Her colonoscopy's today.
Aw, Teddy, it's so nice she
asked you to be the person
- that picks her up.
- Right?
That's a big step in a relationship.
Scooping her up after she
gets her pooper checked.
I know, and I do not want to blow it.
I want everything to go
smoothly. I cleaned my truck.
I added some cushy pillows
to the passenger seat.
I got all of Kathleen's favorite snacks
she wasn't allowed to
eat for the last few days:
Nuts, sunflower seeds
Ooh, yum sort of.
And I made her a playlist:
"The Long and Winding
Road," "Brown Eyed Girl."
- Aw.
- Hmm.
I just want to make
her feel comfortable.
You know, Kathleen could
have asked her cousin,
who lives in town, to do it.
But she didn't, she asked me.
Take that, Cousin
Muriel! I win, you lose!
I've met her, by the
way. She's very nice.
What the hell is going on? No recess?
Even in prison you get recess.
Bunch of hardened criminals
playing Foursquare.
How are we gonna find
out what's going on?
I mean, do we bug their phones, or ?
[FROND MUFFLED]
It had to be during recess.
It was the only time they could do it.
Okay, eavesdropping works, too.
Only time who could do it?
The drone operator.
He wants us to say "pilot,"
- but I'm not saying that.
- Good for you.
Principal Spoors says,
"If your school website
doesn't have a drone shot,
you might as well not
have a school at all."
A drone's flying over
the school to shoot video?
Is our school Top Gun?
And, apparently, it's so expensive
we'll only get one shot at it,
so that's why we have
to keep the kids inside.
Principal Spoors thinks
they'll try to ruin the video
when they see the drone.
That is 100% true.
Not ruin, improve.
And if Spoors doesn't
get his drone shot,
I don't get my two days off
to take my mother to
Massapequa to see her sister.
- Ooh, road
trip. - Mm-hmm.
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
- Louise, the bell rang.
Oh. I guess it did.
Boy, it was a bit
subtle, don't you think?
It was a bell. So, no.
[LAUGHS] Labonz, you are a hoot.
Okay, bye now!
Meet back here after next period.
We'll talk strategy.
And we need to tell Tina.
I'll call her assistant
and get it on her schedule.
[PHONE RINGING]
Bob's Burgers. Puttin'
yum in your yappers.
- [TEDDY] Linda!
- Oh, hey, Teddy.
- You pick up Kathleen?
- No.
That's actually why I'm calling.
- Oh, what's wrong?
- Uh
I'm kind of in the emergency room.
- What?
- I'm worried I'm not
- gonna make it
- [LOUD BEEPING]
Teddy!? Teddy!
Sorry, it was my phone.
My face hit the button. Anyway,
I'm worried I'm not gonna
make it to pick up Kathleen.
I need your help.
But, uh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[LAUGHS]
I'm in a lot of pain, though. [SIGHS]
You're in the emergency
room? W-What happened?
You sound kind of funny.
Well, I-I got an ice pack
on my face 'cause I bit my lip.
You went to the ER
'cause you bit you lip?
Not exactly. It started with the bee.
The bee?
[TEDDY] Yeah, it landed in my goggles.
And then I put them on.
It stung me on my eyelid.
Then I kind of shot myself
in the foot with the nail gun.
[YELLING]
And, yeah, that's how I bit my lip.
- Oh, no!
- What?
Beesting on the eye,
then nail in the foot.
- Ooh.
- Aw, Bob says, "Ooh."
Aw, you poor thing.
But I'm calling because
Kathleen's gonna be done
with her colonoscopy soon
and I can't drive
'cause my gas pedal foot
has a nail hole in it
and I can't see 'cause
my eye is swollen shut.
Okay, okay. So you want
me to go pick up Kathleen?
No, Linda! It's got to be me!
I got to be the one to pick her up.
Okay, well, what do you want me to do?
Can you come pick me up?
And then take me to get Kathleen?
Hold on. Hey, Bob?
Are you okay on your own for a bit?
Sure. You go help Teddy and Kathleen.
My hair and I have got this.
Yeah, I could use a break from the hair.
Teddy, Bob's hair is
turning him into a monster.
A gorgeous monster.
I'm on my way.
Don't hurt yourself anymore!
Stay away from elevator shafts.
And sit on your hands until I get there.
Okay, everyone, thank you for coming.
When this drone goes over,
I'm thinking resistance movement
meets covert op meets art piece.
That's what I tell the barber
when I go in for a haircut.
[JIMMY JR.] Hey, Tina.
What are you guys talking about?
You guys look more guilty than my Nana
sneaking pepperonis at a Papa John's.
- [SHUSHING]
- We found out why
we're not allowed outside during recess.
They're gonna shoot a
drone video of the school.
Oh! That's why they
won't let us outside?
A secret drone shot?
They're worried we're gonna
moon the drone or something?
Yeah, so we're gonna do that.
Or something better. You in?
- Hecks yeah.
- Let's do a dance.
- [GROANS]
- It's an overhead drone shot.
Those were invented for filming dance.
- And for war.
- You guys doing a dance
for a secret drone shot?
Guys, I'm not sure about the dancing.
What? Why? It's dancing.
Adults will notice dancing.
We have to be unseen by the naked eye
so they'll actually
use it on the website.
Who's got naked eyes?
I guess glasses are
like pants for your face.
- Oh!
- Shh. People. People.
I've got this figured
out. We sneak out of lunch,
go to the storage area with
all the school play props,
we grab the bushes and the fog machine
that they used in that
play, Bushes and Fog.
Wasn't our best play
And we're gonna use the bushes
to form the school's "butt,"
if you will, and we're gonna use
the fog machine to make it look like
the school's butt is farting.
But to the unsophisticated adults,
it'll just look like some
shrubbery and a bit of,
- uh low-hanging cloud.
- The school farting?
It's elegant, provocative.
But this could be the one chance
we ever have to do a dance for a drone.
I'm with J-Ju. I say we dance,
and just be like, we're here
in this moment, truly alive.
Guys, if we don't make the website
and cement our legacy,
what's the point of any of this?
Don't you want to be remembered as
incognito, school-flatulating legends?
You had me at flatulating.
I guess I could get into being a legend.
Move over, John L Legend.
- Okay. - Let's do it.
- I'm in.
All right. We'll meet in
the cafeteria at lunch.
- Go!
- And think of a cool codename
for yourself to add to the mystique.
Mine's Treat Williams
No, no, no, no. Admiral Lasagna.
- Linda!
- Teddy! Ooh.
- Does it look bad?
- No.
No No!
Sorry, it's a little messy.
Is that a bag of salt?
Oh, yeah, that's where the salt went.
[SIGHS] Could we maybe
stop by the job site and get
my truck to pick up Kathleen?
Wait, wha? Aren't you
worried about being late?
It's on our way! And,
you know, I cleaned it
and it has the pillows and snacks
and the, "Yay, you got
your colonoscopy!" mixtape.
- And, uh, no ants.
- Yeah, okay. Okay.
[ENTRY BELL JANGLES]
Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hello.
Have a seat. I'll get you some menus.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
[WHISPERING IN ARABIC]
[BOB] Hmm. Are they whispering about me?
[ALL WHISPERING IN ARABIC]
[BOB] Mm, yep.
[WHISPERING CONTINUES]
- Is everything okay?
- Yes. Thank you.
All right. Take your time.
[ALL WHISPERING IN ARABIC]
[BOB] Hmm, no-no boogers.
Mustache is relatively clean.
[SNIFFS]
[BOB] Usual armpit smell.
Hm.
Thank you. I got an
update from the clinic.
Kathleen is in the
recovery room. Recovering.
Already? Oh, boy. Okay.
Gonna go a little faster.
Yeah, but not over
the speed limit, right?
No. Just maybe ten over,
- 12 over, 15 over.
- [GROANS]
Teddy, 15 miles over the speed limit
is still, technically, the speed limit.
They factor in for that sort of thing.
- [POLICE SIREN WAILS]
- And
there's a siren. That's bad.
Ooh! Are we getting pulled over?
Do we gun it? Should I
gun it? Should we go?!
- Linda, no!
- [LINDA] Right, right.
Okay, one at a time, we should slip out
and meet in the storage room.
Ugh! What if we started
turning like a human pinwheel?
That would look so cool from up above.
Love it. Busby Berkeley?
More like Busby You-Gotta-Be-Berserk-ly
not to be inspired by that idea.
Human pinwheel does sound fun.
I've always wanted to be
part of a human something.
- No, no, no.
- Not that we're doing dancing,
but if we were, what would the song be?
"I Think We're A Drone Now?"
No, Gene! Finish food. Do plan.
Ah! I will finish my
food, thank you very much.
And whoever else's food needs finishing.
- Fine.
- You're welcome!
- [TEDDY] Uh
- [LINDA] Oh, boy.
[TEDDY] Oh, God. Oh,
God, we're gonna be late!
- You know how fast you were
- Uh, sorry I was speeding, Officer.
I've never driven this truck before.
But not because I stole it.
It's his truck. He just can't drive it.
Right now. 'Cause he's all messed up.
- I mean, look at him.
- Hi.
Uh-huh. License and
registration, please.
Okay.
Uh, officer, we're late to pick up
Teddy's special friend.
Uh, this is Teddy.
She asked him to be the one to
pick her up from her colonoscopy
and it's kind of a big deal.
[OFFICER] Wait. You're picking someone
- up from a colonoscopy?
- Yes.
It's the thing when they
put the camera up your
Oh, I know what it is.
A colonoscopy saved my nana's life.
And I was the one who picked her up.
- Oh.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah. She's my best friend.
- Wow, that's nice.
- Great. That's great.
You know what? I'm
gonna give you an escort.
- An escort? A police escort?
- Seriously?
You're doing a good
thing. And giving escorts
is my favorite part of the job.
It's kind of why I became a cop.
Where's your friend
getting her colonoscopy?
- The Main Street Medical Center.
- Well, all right.
Let the escort begin!
- Thank you, Officer!
- Yeah, thank you!
I always wanted one of
these. A nice male escort.
- [SIREN WAILING]
- [TEDDY] Wow.
Uh, I think we're actually
gonna make it on time.
- You bet we are
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no
- You hit me!
- I'm sorry. Why did you stop?
There was a car in front of me.
We're not supposed to smash into those!
- [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
- Okay, that's a good reason.
Oh, no. It's the cops.
Don't tell him I was
giving you an escort.
- What?
- Don't tell. I'll get in
so much trouble. Shh.
[GROANS NERVOUSLY]
- Oh, my God, oh, my god.
- [WHISPERING] Just lie for me.
- What? Lie to a cop?
- It's fine, it's fine,
people do it all the time.
Just tell him you rear-ended me,
but don't say anything about the escort.
Eh
Everything okay, Earl?
Yeah, yeah. Uh, this, uh,
person that I've never met
until this very moment
just rear-ended me.
Uh, that's right, I just
plowed right into him
into the police car.
Hmm. And where were you
headed so fast, ma'am?
Oh, I was, uh
I was going to go have
an affair. With that guy.
-Yeah. So, I was in a hurry
-[GRUNTING]
- to cheat on my husband.
- What?
- Well, I for one believe that.
- Are you all right, sir?
- I've been better.
- He got stung by a bee,
and he drove a nail into
his foot, and he bit his lip.
But, uh, that's how I like 'em.
This is all my fault!
It's my friend,
she asked me to pick her
up after her colonoscopy.
- A colonoscopy, huh?
- Oh, God.
- Earl?
- Uh
Where's the dang fog machine?
I haven't the foggiest. Sorry.
Louise, maybe the bush
butt doesn't need to fart?
Listen to yourself, Tina,
of course the bush butt needs to fart.
- What are you doing?
- Choreography. Just in case
- we decide to bust out some moves.
- No!
We may not be able to help ourselves.
- [GRUNTING]
- All right! We're dancing!
- Zeke, ow!
- I'm dancing!
[JIMMY JR.] Ow, Zeke!
Too much, too much!
- Ugh.
- Here you go.
Uh, anyone need anything else?
- More coffee?
- Uh, we're good. Thanks.
We just came from our
mom's funeral next door.
Oh. Uh, I'm-I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
- Uh the thing is
- Yeah?
- You smell like our dead mom.
- Oh.
Sorry. I know that
must sound very strange.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
He says you really smell like our mom.
[BOTH SPEAKING ARABIC]
He, uh, he was wondering
if you know why?
I, uh, uh, great question.
Uh, do you mind if I
- call my wife real quick?
- Please.
- Of course.
- I'll be right back.
Sorry about all this.
- The paperwork alone
- [PHONE BUZZING]
Hello? Hi, Bob.
Lin, hi. D-Do you
know why I might smell
like an old, dead woman?
What? You just have to
floss, Bob. I told you
No. A family came in after
a funeral for their mom,
and the dad thinks I
- smell like his late wife.
- Oh.
- Linda?
- Yeah?
The dumpster you
got the shampoo from
tell me the truth, Lin.
Was it Mort's dumpster?
Did I wash my hair with
a dead woman's shampoo?
Yeah Sorry.
Sometimes families give Mort stuff
so he can make their loved ones
look as close to how they
looked when they were alive,
and he puts all the stuff he
doesn't use out by the dumpsters
and sometimes, if it's
nice, I, you know, I grab it.
- Oh, my God.
- Bob, I got to go.
We're running super
late 'cause of the cops.
- Cops? Why are there cops?
- It's fine, it's fine.
- Goodbye.
- Uh, well, that's it.
I called Muriel the cousin.
She's gonna pick up Kathleen.
Oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry we got pulled over.
But we really tried.
Kathleen will understand.
It's not that. I know she will.
It's just, I guess all of
this meant a lot to me.
To be able to do this for her.
It's good for the
heart, to do nice stuff.
And I felt lucky
to have the chance to do it. I just
[SIGHS] I care about her a lot.
[SIGHS] Aw, Teddy, you're so sweet.
Okay, we're gonna figure this out.
You call off the cousin,
I'll deal with the fuzz.
- It's just the theatre of it
- Officers?
I'm really sorry about the
fender bender and the speeding.
- The what?
- I mean, the fender bender.
But my friend Teddy
promised his lady friend
that he'd pick her up
after her colonoscopy
and that's a sacred trust.
And it's not just about the importance
of sticking a camera up
your butt every few years,
this is about love.
This is about kindness.
This is about looking
deep inside ourselves
and seeing something special in there.
And yeah, maybe some colon polyps.
And if we don't get there
in the next few minutes,
Kathleen's cousin Muriel
is gonna pick her up
and we'll have failed!
So, what's it gonna be?
But this is the last one, for real.
- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- [OFFICER] Whee!
- [SIRENS WAILING]
- All right!
- The cousin's not picking up.
It's going to frigging voice mail again.
Hey, Muriel, this is Teddy from before.
I'm back on track here,
so do not pick up Kathleen!
Do not pick her up, whatever you do!
Okay, great. Thanks
again. This is Teddy.
[GROANS] Still no answer.
Maybe she doesn't want to talk
'cause she's driving.
Damn you, safety-conscious Muriel.
[LINDA] Look at these suckers
without a police escort.
Poor saps.
♪
Okay.
- We need our distraction. Gene?
- [GENE] On it.
Oh, my. This is the biggest throw-up
I've ever seen in my life!
And it's so slippery!
A big slippery throw-up? This
is when my training kicks in.
[BRANCA GRUNTING]
Okay. Go, go, go!
♪
Just a normal extension
cord, nothing to be afraid of.
Pretty sure it's been
here the whole time.
[DANIA] Okay, okay, he's coming.
So, uh Yeah. It's the shampoo.
Apparently, I used your
late mother's shampoo
and that's, uh, why I smell like her.
- Dad called it.
- Yep.
Uh, how did you get it?
It's from France and they
don't make it any more.
Mom bought a case when she was in Paris.
Well, my wife got it from,
um, uh, the dumpster next door.
Oh! I-I told the mortician
that we didn't need any
of the cosmetics back.
There was only a little
left in the bottle.
It's true. Sorry,
i-if it was upsetting.
Would you like anything else?
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
[SIGHS] Could we ask you a favor?
- Sure.
- Um
Could our dad smell your hair?
He didn't really go close to
the casket during the service.
- He was upset.
- But he'd like to, um
have a good sniff before we go.
Is that okay? Kind of like that scene
with Demi Moore and
Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?
Oh. Uh, sure.
Uh, am I Demi or Whoopi?
Either one. That-That's
fine, of course.
[SIREN WAILING]
[TEDDY] [LAUGHS] There's Kathleen.
We made it. We made it. Kathleen!
Hello, everybody ?
Okay, we're good. Thanks, officers!
Oh, God. There's her cousin Muriel.
[LINDA] I'll stop her. Hi
Kathleen! Hi, I'm here. I'm here.
- Ready to go?
- Teddy,
- what happened to you?
- Funny story.
I'll tell you while we're driving
While Linda's driving.
- Linda's driving?
- Let me help you to the truck.
Wait till you hear the mix I made you.
♪
♪
Oh, gosh darn it.
Do the dance.
- Do the dance!
- [GASPS]
[ZEKE] Yeah!
Human Pinwheel!
Five, six, seven
♪
Oh, no. They got out! [GROANS]
Stop! Stop it! Stop
that right now! Sto
Thank you, Teddy.
So hungry.
[INHALES]
♪
[LINDA] Oh, I love the dancing.
It's like you're all
listening to a different song.
I was dancing to the
high-pitched whine.
That's not nice to say about Louise.
Of the drone.
Oh, here's where Mr.
Frond comes out and chases
Andy and Ollie all around the field.
Oh, yeah. So angry. Wait,
is he joining the dance?
- No, he's just yelling.
- So, Mr. Frond knew
it looked like this and
they still posted it?
I heard him say, "Maybe
no one will notice."
- And then he ran to his car.
- Oh, yeah, there he goes.
[LOUISE] It's kind of like
a butt-bush farting, right?
[LINDA] Yeah, sure.
[GENE] Aren't we all? Aren't we all
Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
Ça sent le lys, le lys, le lys ♪
La pastèque, la
pastèque, la pastèque ♪
Viens voir papa ♪
Viens voir papa ♪
Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
Ça sent le lys, le lys ♪
C'est chic, le shampooing ♪
C'est chic, le shampooing ♪
Ça sent le lys ♪
Ça sent le lys, le lys, le lys. ♪