Bob's Burgers s15e05 Episode Script

1
Well, the first thing I'm gonna do
- with these pancakes is eat them.
- There she is.
Are you excited, Tina? Are you pumped?
- Should I be?
- Yes, you should be!
The Cheese Royale starts today.
Oh, that. Yeah. So pumped.
Oh, yeah, your Royal Cheese thing.
Right. What-what is it again?
The Cheese Royale is a game
where eighth-graders form teams
and then fling slices of
American cheese at each other.
And if you get hit
with cheese, you're out.
And you can cheese people
anywhere except school
- or inside their house.
- Okay.
It's just some dumb
eighth grade tradition.
Some dumb eighth grade tradition?!
The Cheese Royale is
the only reason I plan
to go to eighth grade.
There's an eighth one now?
Ooh, it does sound
fun. Is there a prize?
Yeah, pride, honor,
knowing you're the best of the best.
Plus, also money. Lots of
money. Twenties of dollars.
And Matthew Ross's brother
works at Pizza Guys,
and they're gonna send
free pizzas to the winners
when his boss isn't around.
I'm surprised the school
is okay with all this.
Officially, the school is aware of it,
but they have no comment.
That was their reaction to my
petition for Mariachi Mondays.
It kind of just sounds
like there's gonna be a lot
of cheese slices on
the ground everywhere.
Yeah, Dad. That's what war is like.
So, what's going on, Tina?
You're not excited about this?
Not really. I mean, I'm doing
it 'cause everybody does it.
But I tried flinging cheese
and I was not great at it.
I just don't have what it
takes to throw cheese at people.
Aw. No, honey. Sure you do.
Tina, it's fine.
The Cheese Royale is ten
percent cheese throwing
and 90% strategy.
Come on, get your game face on.
Everyone picks their teams
today at lunch, right?
Who are we thinking?
Who are we talking about?
I mean, I was gonna
group up with Susmita?
She doesn't seem like the
Cheese Royale type either.
We'll just get through it
and have a couple laughs
- along the way.
- Hmm.
Ooh, like my circumcision.
[CROWD CHATTER]
Hey, Susmita, want to
team up for Cheese Royale?
Half-ass it and just
enjoy each other's company?
Oh. Uh, I already
grouped up with a team.
You did? But I thought we
were gonna be teammates.
Tina, you literally told me
not to pick you for a teammate.
What are you talking about?
Ugh. I'm so bad at throwing cheese.
News flash. Do not
pick me as a teammate.
Okay, got it.
I thought you meant
"Okay, got it," like-like,
"Okay, I got your news flash."
I got both of them.
Uh, I thought we were gonna bond
over complaining about this game.
But you're telling me you're into it?
- So into it.
- Well, I hope you're very happy
with your team of people that all care
- about this dumb, stupid cheese thing.
- I am.
Well, I'm gonna find
another team right now.
Jimmy Jr., can I be on your team?
Uh, we do still have one
spot open, so I guess,
but didn't you just call this
a dumb, stupid cheese thing?
No. I was talking about a
dumb, stupid grilled cheese
I had the other day.
Okay, uh, I guess,
then, you're on the team.
[WHISPERING] We're meeting at
Michael Carlish's house today
after school to talk strategy
and practice throwing cheese.
Cool. I will-will be there.
Can't wait.
But we need to wrap up, like, 4:15
'cause I have a dentist appointment.
- It's just a checkup.
- Got it.
[LOUISE] Dang it, Tina's with her team
in a secret location
strategizing right now.
I've never wanted to switch bodies
with a pubey teen girl more in my life.
She's in a secret
location? Is she a rave?
- To-go order is up.
- Shh.
- What?
- I'm eavesdropping.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, fighting couple, table four.
Well, then, you know what? I
think we should just break up.
- [LINDA GASPS]
- [MAN] Is this because of Julie?
- [WOMAN] Julie?!
- Hmm. Julie.
I'm moving in to hear more.
No. No, Lin, you're gonna blow it.
- What are you talking about?
- Sorry.
It's just, you're not
doing a very sneaky job
- of eavesdropping.
- What?
I'm fine. I'm a pro.
It's out it's outrageous.
That's what it is.
It's ov You've-you've
crossed a line here.
What do you say we talk
about this somewhere else?
- For sure.
- Bye.
Thanks for coming.
- [DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES]
- Lin, see?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- What? That wasn't 'cause of me.
They left 'cause they wanted to talk
about Julie outside in the sun.
- Uh-huh.
- I'm a good eavesdropper.
I mean, I love you, but
- What?
- You're not.
- Yeah. - It's true.
- Mm-mm.
- No.
- Yup.
- Yeah.
- Very true.
But you're good at
dropping other things.
Names, hints, eggs.
Just now, you were
doing a bunch of things
that were all bustable.
Bustable? What was I
doing that was bustable?
Name one thing.
Well, you were making
a ton of eye contact.
I wouldn't say a ton.
You wiped a hole in the counter.
And at one point, the towel
wasn't even on the counter.
You were just kind of wiping air.
- No.
- Lin, you made active listening sounds.
You stared right at them
and went, "Hmm. Julie."
- Did I? - Yeah.
- You did.
- Mm-hmm.
- Damn it.
But eavesdropping's my favorite thing.
What's the point of having a
restaurant if you can't eavesdrop?
Look, maybe we can help you I think.
We can teach you how
to be not so bad at it?
[SIGHS] Okay, fine.
And then we'll teach you how to flirt
with the cook for free fries.
- Mmm.
- [BOB] Mm.
So we do a motion offense-defense combo
with three attackers and two floaters.
- Love it. - Yeah, that makes sense.
- Yeah, totally.
- What do you think, Tina?
- Oh. Sorry. Was that about the game?
I thought maybe you guys were talking
about a movie you all saw.
Should we do some target practice?
I brought practice cheese. It's expired.
My dad was all like, "Go nuts with it."
Great. I'm gonna go pee.
All right, everyone aim for the chair.
Michael, can we cheese
your handsome Adirondack?
- Yeah, I think it's cheese-proof.
- [GRUNTS] Come on.
I feel good about that
one. Ha, all right.
- [GRUNTS]
- [ZEKE] Jimmy Jr.!
Good God, I felt the
wind coming off that one!
- Wow!
- [GRUNTS]
- [LAUGHS] Nice tossing, Tex.
- [GRUNTS]
[ZEKE] Whoa! Killer Kelly!
Coming from downtown!
[LAUGHS] The other teams
won't know what hit 'em.
- What the?
- Do what?
- Aah!
- [GRUNTS]
Oh, man, no! Not J-Ju, too!
So that bathroom was
ocupado. I can go later.
- What happened here?
- [GRUNTS] I don't understand.
- I just I just don't understand.
- It was so quick.
- We all got cheesed.
- Wait. Really?
Someone cheesed all of
us from over the fence.
Not all of us.
- Take cover, T-dog!
- Aah!
- Where are they?
- Maybe they're gone.
Tina, they didn't get you.
You're the last one alive on our team.
- You're our only hope.
- Cool. Cool, cool.
I love the pressure.
Perfect. Yes, please.
[JIMMY JR.] There we were,
a well-oiled, dominant team,
plus Tina, talking winning strategy
at our secret location.
When out of nowhere, it was
like, thwap, thwap, thwap-thwap!
We didn't even see who did it!
Four of us cheesed by a ghost!
So impressive.
And now it's all on Tina.
The hopes and dreams of our entire team.
-Yup.
-All right, she's got it. She's got it.
- [LAUGHS] Probably.
- Uh maybe.
- Um
- Tina, are you okay?
Sorry for your loss?
No, yeah. I love that this happened.
It was smart of the
cheeser to cheese us first.
I mean, Zeke and I were some
of the top threats in the game.
I can't believe these
beefy mitts will never get
to work their magic.
This cheeser must be a jock.
Probably someone who plays
basketball or baseball.
- Maybe Aiden Strider.
- Oh, yeah.
Aiden's cute.
Could be Brady Griffin.
Brady's cute.
T-dog, you got this?
'Cause your face kind of
looks like you might not. You all right?
I don't know.
Uh, that's the spirit?
- Um, Tina, can I have a word with you?
- Sure?
- Ow.
- Tina, listen to yourself.
"I don't know." You're the
last one alive on your team!
This is what we trained for.
- If we had trained.
- You should have trained.
- Uh-huh.
- Get in the game.
- Now who's my cheese warrior?
- Mm, me?
- So intimidating.
- Ugh!
[BOB] Okay. A big part
of successful eavesdropping
is looking like you're believably busy.
And I don't mean, like,
wiping the counter.
Wiping the counter is a big
giveaway that you're listening.
- Total giveaway.
- Putting away clean cups.
That's real, that's believable.
Also, these need to be put
away, so we should do that.
Yeah, okay.
Another big part of eavesdropping, Lin,
a blank expression. Look at me.
Oh, yeah. Look at those dead eyes.
-Soulless.
-I don't I don't know about soulless.
He looks like a sad corpse, right?
Let me try it. How's this?
[TEDDY] Still pretty lively.
You have a lot of natural gusto.
Bob doesn't have to overcome that.
Hmm. Uh, how about a little drill?
Lin, y-you stand over
there and put away the cups,
and then we're gonna have a
really intriguing conversation,
and you will try to
eavesdrop on us without,
you know, doing the
stuff you normally do.
- Hmm.
- So, I'm, uh
I'm embezzling money from the company.
What? Are you serious right now, Bob?
- [LINDA] Hmm.
- Lin, you just "hmm-ed."
Oh, shush. No, I didn't.
That was about something else.
It's an interesting
cup I was putting away.
- Keep going. I got this.
- Okay.
How does embezzling work,
Bob? I've never understood it.
Like, which one's embezzling
and which one's bedazzling?
Linda, y-you can't move closer.
Oh, yeah. What you
got to do is figure out
the maximum distance you
can be from the conversation
and then stay in that zone.
- Right, right. Okay, you keep talking.
- And what's racketeering?
- Is that like pickle-ball?
- Oh, speak up.
- No.
- Can't say that.
- Number one rule, really.
- Yeah.
Look, I've done some thinking,
a little strategizing.
And I actually think there's a way
you can win this thing maybe.
Here's the plan. For the first few days,
you lay low, let these other
bozos cheese each other.
Uh, okay. Lay low. I could do that.
Um, l-like how?
Well, school is a safe zone,
so you could just stick around
after school and go to
an after-school activity.
Go to Chess Club.
But I'm not in Chess Club.
Are you saying "chest
club"? I should join.
Exhibit A and B.
Gene, shush. And
you'll stay after school
for 45 to 65 minutes.
And when you leave school,
switch up your appearance a little.
Grab a hat from lost and found.
[GENE] Check for lice! No,
don't. Keep it interesting.
[LOUISE] And you'll leave out
of a different exit each day.
Then, under no
circumstances do you go home.
Cheesers are gonna be expecting
you anywhere along the route
from school to our apartment,
so you go somewhere else.
You don't run, but you move quickly.
Today it's gonna be the hair
salon where Gretchen works.
Stay at the salon. Read some magazines.
[GENE] You know, a
blowout wouldn't kill you.
[LOUISE] And then, at 6:00,
when the cheesing hours are over,
you head home and live
to fight another day.
Then you get to do it
all over again tomorrow.
[TINA] Got it. I think. I hope.
Um, can you say it two more times?
Never mind, I got it.
I-I got it sort of.
Oh, please say cheese ♪
'Cause I got you ♪
And I got you,
and I got you, too ♪
- Cheese ♪
- Oh, please ♪
- Pretty please ♪
- Say cheese ♪
- Pretty cheese ♪
- 'Cause I got you ♪
And I got you,
and I got you, too ♪
- Cheese ♪
- Oh, please say cheese. ♪
[ZEKE] Whoa! The Big Cheese
took out some heavy hitters!
Aiden got Big Cheesed.
Ronald got Big Cheesed.
Katie, Josh, both got Big Cheesed.
And we still don't know who it is.
I mean, they've never been seen.
Striking from the shadows
like an angel of death.
It's unprecedented. Oh, but, uh, also,
uh, you got this, Tina.
You can totally stay alive.
Yeah. Are you getting enough
sleep, Tina? Enough protein?
Here, eat this. It's a chicken nugget.
- Oh. Thanks.
- Stay strong!
- You're our only hope!
- The Big Cheese.
The Big Cheese. Changing the whole game.
They don't celebrate, they
don't get into fling-offs.
They're above all that.
They're a technician.
They're a visionary.
Was this supposed to
be a pep talk for me?
Oh. Yeah, but, uh, you
can totally beat them.
- Oh, good.
- So who is the Big Cheese?
Could be Will. He's athletic.
Yeah, look how he chews.
- Effortless.
- Could be Chelsea.
I mean, this is so Chelsea.
She would probably
throw cheese at people
even if this game wasn't happening.
But you also got to wonder
about sneaky Henry Haber.
Or Jocelyn? Nah.
Tammy? She's an evil mastermind.
Well, she's evil at least. Sam?
Eh, nervous, clumsy, but
I've seen him throw a Frisbee.
Not terrible. So, maybe?
What about Susmita?
[TINA] She is kinda someone
no one would suspect.
Brainiac on the worksheets,
master cheeser on the streets?
And she does really want to
win this dumb game that has,
let's face it, torn
our friendship apart.
I mean, I kinda wouldn't mind winning
just to shove it in Susmita's face.
Like so much cheese.
Maybe I can win with this
thing with a hiding strategy.
I'm getting pretty good at it.
I had some fun banter with
the lady at the vitamin store.
- Oh, no. No more hiding.
- What?
But hiding's great. I like hiding.
No, no. It's time.
Time to shift strategy.
Look, when you're playing dodge-ball,
it's smart to hide in
the back for a while.
But no one wins
dodge-ball by only hiding.
You got to knock people
out. There aren't many kids
left in the game. It's time
to activate cheese mode.
-Ooh.
-Cheese mode? What's cheese mode?
It means you're on the attack now.
You seek out targets, and
when you find a target,
you figure out a way
to put cheese on it.
And you go search and
destroy, you go scary beast.
I don't think I can go scary beast.
What about scary yeast?
You know I'm not a good cheese thrower.
Tina, trust me, you're
thinking too much.
Take your brain and push
it towards your butt.
Okay, uh-huh
I was gonna do that after lunch.
You're gonna use the old
Circle Back Attack.
You get someone to follow
you, then flip the script.
- Aah!
- Aah!
[GRUNTS]
- Damn it. Hold on.
- [GRUNTS]
- [BOTH STRAINING]
- Unpeel!
Hold on, don't go anywhere.
Aah!
What? No!
Yes. Circle Back Attack. Scary beast.
Don't you dare call me a scary beast.
No, I'm the scary beast.
You're just a cheeseball who got cheesed
in the face. So eat it.
I mean, don't literally
eat it, it's on the ground.
But you know what I mean.
[TINA] I can't believe I
cheesed Tammy. In her face!
I mean, literally in her face,
'cause I hit her in her face.
Yeah, Tina, it's one person.
I like the spirit, but stay focused.
We got a lot more work to do.
And you were so worried
about throwing your cheese.
I'm proud of you, I-I think.
- Thanks, guys.
- So, Tina, this is a list
of everyone who's still in the game,
aka your targets.
You gonna cheese 'em?
Hell yeah, I'm gonna cheese 'em!
Could someone pass me a roll?
- [TINA GRUNTS]
- Oh!
- Whoa. - Hello.
- Hoo-boy!
Sorry, sorry. I'll take it down a notch.
Cheese mode ♪
Ch-Ch-Cheese mode ♪
Ch-Ch-Cheese mode,
cheese mode, cheese mode ♪
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheese mode ♪
Ch-ch-ch-ch, chee-chee-chee-
chee, ch-ch-chee-cheese mode! ♪
Okay, so the only people
left are you, Susmita, Sam,
Henry, Chelsea and Will?
The Big Cheese has got to
be Chelsea or Will, right?
The girl who sharpens
her fingernails or the guy
who can kick a kickball
all the way to the swings?
Psst.
Oh, uh, I don't think
you needed to say "psst"
in that situation.
- But okay.
- Open it.
[HENRY] All remaining players meet
at the abandoned dog food factory
today at 4:30, and the Big
Cheese will be revealed.
P.S. It's not me. Henry.
Huh. That sounds weird.
- And like a trap?
- Oh, definitely weird and a trap.
But if you play this
right, you could cheese
everyone there and win the
whole stinking game today.
- Or I get cheesed.
- Or you get cheesed.
I think that's exactly
what they said to each other
before they stormed
the beaches of Normandy.
She's probably at the abandoned
dog food factory by now.
Oh, boy, I hope she brought
enough cheese slices.
I hope she brings some home.
I miss what cheese used to be.
Guys, that's the breakup couple, right?
[GASPS] It is.
[LOUISE] That's definitely
the breakup couple.
[GENE] It's a double-burger breakup.
[TEDDY] Are they coming back in?
Why would they come ba
Hi, welcome to Bob's Burgers.
Can we get some menus
over here for these guys?
- Uh, hi?
- [HENRY] Uh, welcome.
Go ahead and take cover if you want.
Uh, what do we, uh ?
[HENRY] Okay, uh, I just
realized it's really hard
to start a secret meeting
if you can't see who's here.
- So, is everybody here?
- Yeah.
- Yes. - Yep.
- Yep.
- Present.
- Anyway, uh,
this is everyone left in the game.
One of you is the Big Cheese,
and I know who it is,
and her name rhymes with Rusrita.
Okay, that's a start.
Wait, what?
Guys, I'm not the Big Cheese.
No, no, no, it's definitely her.
O-One time during the
three weeks and two days
that we dated, I saw her flick
an index card into the trash
from halfway across the
room with perfect accuracy.
Also, we played badminton
once, and she was a monster.
Wait, so whether it's her or not,
why did you bring us all here?
What's the plan?
I have that same question as well.
Everyone's familiar with
the Battle of Red Cliffs
in second-century China, right?
- [CHELSEA] No. - [TINA] Huh?
- [SUSMITA] No.
Well, surely, you're familiar
with the game theory concept
- "targeted coalition"?
- [ALL] No.
Look, the only way for any of
us mere mortals to have a chance
at winning is to take
out the Big Cheese first.
Otherwise she takes us all out,
and our chances go down to zero.
[SUSMITA] Again, I'm not the Big Cheese!
People, Henry obviously
got everyone here
in one place so he
could cheese everyone.
Maybe 'cause, oh, I don't
know, he's the Big Cheese?
Flattered. The mental
part, capable. Sure.
The physical part, not so much.
So, what we're saying is,
now we're all here in this
abandoned dog food factory
with the Big Cheese, but
we don't know who it is.
It's Susmita!
- It's Henry!
- Aah! I got cheesed.
[TINA] Oh, man. Hey,
you didn't by any chance
happen to see who threw
it, did you? Probably not.
You would have mentioned
it, I'm guessing,
so, yeah, forget it.
[TINA] So, Will, about who cheesed you,
anything? Anything you saw at all?
Direction it came from? Sounds? Grunts?
No. It happened so fast.
I-I didn't see anything, I
didn't even hear anything.
Oh, just curious, were
you the Big Cheese?
Thanks for the compliment, but no,
- I'm not the Big Cheese.
- [LOUD PANTING]
[CHELSEA] Okay, who's panting?
'Cause it's grossing me out.
Sorry, yeah, that's me. This is, uh
This is all I'm anxious,
so it's giving me, like,
a tiny panic attack,
but it's-it's really no big deal.
Uh, please carry on.
It is all gravy, baby.
Sorry I said that.
You know, it's very
possible that it's Chelsea.
She gets in trouble a
lot. She's a risk-taker.
A thrill-seeker. She pierced
her nose with a thumbtack.
Yeah, that has nothing
to do with throwing
cheese from hidden places.
Just saying, that logic is flawed.
And it wasn't a thumbtack.
It was a paper clip.
- [HENRY] Ow. - [TINA] Ugh.
- What about Tina?
Maybe she cheesed her whole
team to throw us all off.
I kinda love that. I wish I did that.
Uh, I'm 99% sure I'm not the Big Cheese.
So, yeah.
Oops, I dropped my gum.
Susmita, you like gum.
You-you can go ahead and
take that if you want.
- It's got extra flavor crystals.
- I'm good, thank you.
Aah! Aw, dang it, I'm out!
Frig. You got me.
[SAM] Wow. Nice shot.
[CHELSEA] Okay, I just want to
tell everyone, I was the Big Cheese.
- [TINA] Really?
- [CHELSEA] No. Maybe.
- No, not me.
- Was it you, Henry?
No. Like I said in my note.
You know, I ran so many
simulations of the way this
would go down, and none of
them were this unsatisfactory.
Gum with flavor crystals?
- Yeah, I'll take that.
- Oh
[TINA] I would also like
gum, eventually. Just saying.
Nothing. I got nothing.
I think they're speaking French.
Or very quiet English.
It can't be done.
- Impossible.
- They're good.
They're very good.
I guess we should give
them their privacy.
Don't you say that.
Don't even think it. I'm going in.
- No, no, no. - No.
- No, don't do it.
I can do this. I'm ready.
They didn't stop talking. That's good.
She's found her maximum distance.
She's got the dead eyes, she's got 'em.
And a dead leg somehow?
- [TINA] Sam?
- [SAM] Yeah?
- [TINA] Susmita?
- [SUSMITA] Yeah?
Hi, um,
I guess we're the last ones left?
- I guess.
- Geez, Tina.
I would have teamed up with you
if I'd known you were
gonna make it this far.
Look at you. You're pretty good at this.
Thanks. I kinda surprised myself.
I guess I didn't think
I was gonna be any good
and then I think that
kind of made me not good?
Also, just to say it,
you don't have to be good
at something to have fun.
Yeah, no, I see that. I-I like it now.
But I still have to cheese you to win,
and I'm gonna, right now.
Unless I cheese you first.
♪
[GRUNTS]
Close, but no ched-dar.
Okay, have a little less fun.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oof. Dang it.
Good throw, Tina. Good throw.
- Thanks, Susmita.
- Tina, are you the Big Cheese?
- No.
- Well, I'm not.
And if you're not, then
Uh, yup. Yeah. The-the You got it.
It's me. Hi. Hi.
[TINA] Sam? But-but you seemed
so nervous about everything.
Oh, yeah, I was. Uh, still am.
But I'm also, you know,
really good at this.
So, you can be nervous
and stealthy, it turns out.
It helps, actually. Sometimes.
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, I
I can't possibly beat you. [GROANING]
Damn it, Tina, what
did we just talk about?
Can't help it. Confidence gone.
Fun gone. Scared mode. [GROANING]
I gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta hide.
- [GASPING]
- Whoa.
[GRUNTS] Huh?
[GRUNTS]
- Whoo! You did it, Tina.
- Wow.
Oh, the hat on the thing.
Yeah. I wanted you
to think I was hiding,
but I was actually hunting.
I totally thought you were hiding.
Well played, Tina. Well played.
Well, if I was gonna lose to someone,
- I'm glad it was you.
- Thanks.
And if I had to win,
I'm glad it was me that won.
[LINDA] And it just so happens,
Julie was the reason they broke up.
But Julie is the guy's sister.
Turns out, she got into med school
and she's being real braggy about it.
Anyway, they're getting back together.
And your mother got all
of this without giving
herself away by loudly making noises.
It-it was a triumph.
You should have seen her not look.
Great job, Mom. Louise,
you're just kinda staring
at the side of my head.
What can I say? I'm starstruck.
I mean, you won the Cheese Royale.
You did, we did. I did. Through you.
So, what else do you
think you're bad at?
Do you think you're
bad at robbing banks?
- Probably.
- I'll get on it.
- [BOB AND LINDA] No.
- [LOUISE] Yes.
- [BOB] No.
- [LOUISE] Tina, go scary beast on them.
- [TINA] Aah!
- [BOB AND LINDA GASP]
[TINA] Sorry, sorry.
Wow, you totally thought
I was gonna throw food at you.
- [BOB] We did. Aah!
- [LINDA] Aah!
[TINA] I'm gonna do
this at every dinner.
I came to cheese ♪
Bring ya to your knees ♪
Have you beggin'
please, oh, no, oh, geez ♪
When you feel unease,
smell that stinky breeze ♪
You better believe you're
gonna taste my cheese ♪
I'm not a mirage,
my slices sabotage ♪
Prepare to be barraged
with my fromage ♪
You better watch
out, you better beware ♪
You're gonna feel my
dairy in your derriere ♪
'Cause I came to cheese,
bring ya to your knees ♪
Have you beggin' please ♪
Oh, no, oh, geez. ♪