Family Guy s15e05 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Peter, I need you to take Chris and Meg to school.
Today's the day I finally kill that squirrel that's been eating our tomatoes.
Try to get, like, eight of them this time.
I want to make bruschetta.
Oh, can't the kids just walk? You know I like to watch two full movies before I go to work.
No, Peter, they can't walk, it's three miles.
(SIGHS) Fine, I'll take them.
But you better keep those goggles 'cause I'm gonna put them to good use tonight.
(POWER SAW BUZZING LOUDLY) Once the floor is full of sawdust, we can eat peanuts in here.
Dad, are you sure it's okay that we took Brian's car? Yeah, it's his own fault.
He's the one who keeps his key in the visor like a carefree hillbilly.
Okay, everybody out.
I don't want the cool kids to know I'm your dad.
Hey, Chris.
Guess who I just scored as my date to the homecoming dance.
- Vice Principal McGuire.
- Really? Yeah, her husband just died of ALS, so she is ready to get at it.
Hey there, strong guy.
Not now, Brenda! She says I have the body of a 50-year-old before it gets ALS.
So who are you gonna go with? I was thinking of asking Kara Morris.
Why don't you ask her now? Her locker's right over there.
Um y uh, yeah, okay.
Hi, Kara.
I was wondering, um, if you'd like to go to the homecoming dance with me? Oh, hi, robot from Big Hero 6.
No, but thank you.
His name is Baymax, you gorgeous moron! All right, red light.
Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.
(RAZOR BUZZING) - Thanks for getting here so quickly.
- What? I'm sorry.
You're in a Prius.
I just assumed you were my Uber.
I don't know what that is on account of being dull.
Uber it's like a cab except it feels like a game 'cause it's from your phone.
Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.
Can I just give you 20 bucks to drop me off? Wow, 20 bucks just to drive you across town? Maybe I should be an Uber driver.
I mean, I could use the extra money.
And it's got to be easier than when I was delivering pizzas.
All right, push.
Push.
Come on, come on, almost there.
Almost there, just one more push.
Here it is! Oh, it's half Hawaiian.
I believe that's ours.
You poor fool.
(GRUNTING) Hey, Stewie.
What's up, big guy? None of the girls at school want to go to homecoming with me.
Probably 'cause everyone calls me names like "Big Nips" and "Fat Nips" and "Big Fat Nips.
" Oh, don't listen to them, Big Fat Nips.
They're just being haters.
What's a "hater"? Oh, it's just something people say instead of working to change their own flaws.
Anyway, you just got to do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off.
Who's Taylor Swift? Oh, my God! Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift? W-What is she, a singer? She's much more than a singer, Chris.
She's she's she's the queen! A goddess! A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit! Uh, sorry, if you're neither insane, nor clowns, nor a posse, I'm not interested.
I have an idea.
You should ask Taylor Swift to the homecoming dance! What? Why would she go to a dance with me? I'm telling you, this is exactly the kind of thing she would do.
She's such a sweetheart.
Oh, I'm going limp.
(MOANS) I'm just gonna lie here moaning, thinking about Taylor Swift.
(MOANING) Tay-Tay.
How would I even ask her? Oh, it's easy.
You and I will just make a video about how sad you are and put it online.
She's very interactive with all her fans.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Of course it is.
If she says yes, you'll surprise everyone, just like you did on New Year's Eve.
ALL: Three, two, one! Some animals give me boners! (BALLOON POPS, "AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYING) Hi.
Uh, I'd like to be an Uber driver.
Okay, sure.
Welcome aboard.
Don't I don't I need to fill out a form or? Oh, right, yeah, of course.
"Name.
" Peter Griffin.
"Criminal history.
" This section is optional.
I will skip this.
And done.
Here you go.
Yeah, none of this really matters.
All I need to know is: do you have a car, a phone and a face? It's my dog's car.
Oh, and I know you didn't ask, - but I am quick to anger.
- Okay, great.
Now get out there and try to kiss as many ladies as you can.
The record is 60 in a month.
You, sir, are officially an Uber driver.
(BLUETOOTH RINGS, BEEPS) (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) This is some good stuff, Chris.
I think it's ready to post.
Actually, Stewie, I changed my mind.
I made my own video and posted it.
What? How could you do that? Stewie, I didn't want to do all that fancy stuff, so I just did a video of me speaking from the heart.
You know, telling her how much it would mean if a girl like her went to homecoming with a guy like me.
I couldn't even stay awake during that description.
(PHONE VIBRATES) Hey, she already posted a response.
What?! Hey, Chris Griffin.
I just saw your video, and I'd love to go to your dance with you.
All right, I got to go eat an ice cream cone.
'Cause us stars are just like you.
Oh, my God! (BOTH CHATTER EXCITEDLY) Uh-oh.
This means I have an awkward phone call to make.
What? No, no, it was stupid.
What, two guys going to homecoming? I-I assumed it was a goof this whole time.
Take it out.
I'm ugly and unlovable.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight, pop star Taylor Swift is coming to Quahog to attend a dance with local high-schooler Chris Griffin.
But first we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles and spins a football for some reason.
(SPORTS THEME PLAYS) Wow, Chris, I'm so excited! You actually have a date with Taylor Swift! Thanks, Mom.
Did I do good? Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now? I-I don't know why you always ask for that.
Th-That's not a thing in our family.
Oh, Rupert, I can't believe Taylor Swift is actually going to be in our house.
I haven't been this excited since I abused those caffeine pills to get ready for the big show.
Everything will be fine, as long as I take one of these.
Pills? You actually are taking drugs? Stewie, give me those.
I can't, Zach! I need them to sing! (GRUNTING) I'm so excited, I'm so excited (CRYING): I'm so scared! (SOBBING) Screech is going to stab someone on Christmas.
Oh, Chris, you look so handsome in your tux.
This must be how Meat Loaf looked when he went to the prom.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, that must be her! (EXCITED YELL) Hi.
You must be Chris.
I'm Taylor.
(SHOUTS): What's up?! (CHUCKLES) It's so nice to finally meet you.
Your video was so sweet.
And I can't wait to go to the dance tonight.
Me, too.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Would you like to come in? Hi.
Peter Griffin, leering dad.
Quick question: in "Shake It Off," you invite us to get down to, quote, "this sick beat.
" Yet the beat you then provide is rather mild.
My question is this: may I lick your legs? Hi, Taylor.
Stewie Griffin.
I'm your biggest fan.
I don't mean that like a psycho, I just I-I'm not, I'm not a psycho! Oh, you're a cutie.
Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles.
Now, you don't have to say anything.
I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop.
Okay, here I go.
Still going.
Still going.
Oh, my God, you bitch! Seriously? Taylor, this is my sister Meg and our dog Brian.
Nice to meet you both.
We're not all so impressed.
I've met Dan Aykroyd.
I'm sorry, uh, which cast member of Hee Haw are you? Will you be nice! Okay, well, we should probably go.
It was so nice to meet you all, except for the girl and the dog.
Sorry about my family.
Don't apologize.
They seem nice.
Well, you wouldn't say that if you ever saw us at the movies.
All right, we got our popcorn from home, our soda from home, our snacks from home and Braveheart.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING OVER LAPTOP) - Where you headed? - The airport.
Great.
Just a couple of errands and we'll get you there.
(NO AUDIO) (DOOR BELL JINGLES) That was one bitch of a class.
Anyways, what time's your flight? It's in 20 minutes! Oh, boy, I can't make it in 20 minutes.
I better call you a Lyft.
- Come on, hurry up, get in! - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) I hope you like The Offspring.
Let's go! (GENTLE POP MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, my God! Taylor Swift! She's here with him? You guys, Mr.
Buell's taking a door-open dook in the bathroom! I hope this isn't too boring for you.
No, this is so cool! I always sing about high school, but I've never actually seen one in person.
(UPBEAT SONG BEGINS) Would you like to dance? Sure.
But you're gonna have to stand back, like, five and a half feet.
Cool! You dance like an unattended fire hose.
Wow! It's like your dance tells a whole story.
Right? You are the only one who's ever gotten that.
Usually people just shove a wallet in my mouth and call 911.
You know, Chris, I'm having a great time.
You're so cool and down-to-earth.
I like you, too, Taylor.
I was scared meeting a celebrity, but you're so nice and normal.
I feel totally comfortable around you.
Well, why don't you just kiss her, Griffin? Sorry, I just smoked a joint with the pickup truck kids.
(FROGS CROAKING, CRICKETS CHIRPING) That was really fun, Chris.
I hope you don't mind I made the band pay me a royalty for each of my songs they played.
Of course not.
And I hope you didn't mind I showed you who every locker belongs to.
No, I thought that was nice.
I've never had a locker.
I just keep my stuff in stupid mansions.
Can I finger you? Sure! Hi.
I'm Taylor Swift.
I'm famous, but I'm really nice.
Aw, that's one of the best fingerings I've ever had.
What are you working on there, Chris? Oh, I'm making a collage for Taylor of some of her favorite things.
Here's flowers and crop tops and pictures of Kanye West with his mouth shut.
Wow, you two seem to have a wonderful connection.
We do, Mom.
You know, she's the first girl to ever really understand me.
Uh, you guys? You might want to see this video Bonnie posted on Facebook.
Why are you on Bonnie's Facebook page? 'Cause she's a (BLEEP) smoke-show.
'Cause I know you're Just blubber in a dress shirt He licked his armpit Then ate all my dinner and dessert Chris Griffin is a pig in every way Oh, oh Blubber, blubber, blubber, oh Blubber, blubber, oh.
Oh, and some animals give him boners.
(BALLOON POPS, "AULD LANGNG SYNE" PLAYING) What the hell? Why would she do this? Wait, wait, wait.
What's that next video? (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, Daughtry! I'm a mom, so I love this.
Chris, what happened? I-I thought you said Taylor had a good time the other night.
We did! She even let me grab the part of her body which on others would be a butt.
Wow, look at these comments.
Everyone hates you, Chris.
She's right.
Check it out.
You're already a meme.
Aw, man, Chris, this computer is telling me that you done Swifted up.
Why would she do something like this? Because this is what Taylor Swift does.
She gets into relationship with guys, sabotages them, and then writes angry songs about it.
I just wish I could talk to her.
Well, why can't we? She has a house in Rhode Island.
We could go today.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, we can go today! My schedule is wide-ass open! Well, we can't just show up there.
Why not? We've done crazier things before.
Remember when we sent that tweet? All right, you ready? Freeze! We're the Internet police! You guys are going away for a long time.
Hey, what are you in for? I said Caitlyn Jenner wasn't brave and beautiful.
Brian, there's some bad people in here.
Hey, what's up? I'm just going to Quahog Stadium.
Okay, would you like the AC on or the windows down? How about both? (GASPS) Pretty great, right? It is! It really is! Thank you, genius person! No problem.
Hey, you ever go in a hot tub when it's snowing outside? Oh What?! Ms.
Swift, your songwriting team is here.
We got a socko tune for you, Taylor.
Hit it, Morty! (PLAYING OLD-FASHIONED PIANO MUSIC) Lox and bagels and bagels and lox I like being a girl.
Okay, one thought.
What if we change "lox" to "boys" and "bagels" to "problems"? Oh, that's perfect.
Like when you changed "pickle it good" to "shake it off.
" All right, we got our homework.
Hi, Taylor.
Chris? What are you guys doing here? I wanted to talk to you.
Your house is way nicer than Anne Murray's.
We broke in there, too.
Taylor, why'd you write that song about me? I thought we had a real connection.
We do.
I really like you, Chris.
I just I'm sorry.
I always do this.
I ruin relationships with nice guys and John Mayer just so I can write songs about heartbreak and moving on.
But don't you think that's unhealthy? You're never gonna find a real relationship if you keep doing this.
Listen, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Chris.
Let me make it up to you.
Why don't you guys all come to my show tonight as my guests? Are you serious?! Backstage with Taylor Swift? Well, that'll be even cooler than when I was in that remake of The Princess Bride with Bill Cosby.
Now, one of these has the iocane powder, you see, and one of them makes you go sleepy-bye with your mouth open.
Hey, pal, where we heading again? Just go down this dark alley.
What the hell's going on? This is what we do to Uber drivers in this town.
(GRUNTS) (GRUNTING) Stop! Stop! Please stop! The sound of your leather jackets is excruciating! You can't just buy a phone and become a cab driver! Please, I have two families! (GRUNTING) (CABBIES HISS) Stay back! Where-where did you get that? Judd Hirsch himself.
I was a boy, no more than 11 or 12.
Was on the side of the road.
Man with a hat pulled up next to me.
Said I reminded him of him when he was my age.
I was just a boy husking corn.
Didn't know what it meant.
Of course, we were all husking corn back then just to keep the lights on.
And you burned my car while I was telling my fake Judd Hirsch story.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING) God, I hate everybody who's not backstage.
This next song is a new one.
It's about my boyfriend Chris.
I'm pretty and I'm rich and I'm in love Me Taylor I've met the guy that I've been dreaming of Me Taylor (CROWD BOOING) Wow, they hate it.
This stinks! We like you when you're miserable! You guys, Mr.
Buell's taking a door-open dook in the bathroom! Why were they being so mean to you? Well, I guess they're just used to me being sad and hurt by men.
But I don't care if they like it, Chris.
I'm happy with you.
I'm happy with you, too.
But it doesn't seem like your fans like this new happy Taylor.
Are you willing to risk losing them and jeopardize your career and your art just for us? I think I am.
(CROWD BOOING, CLAMORING) Oh, well, I don't know if am.
What? What are you saying? (INHALES DEEPLY) I'm saying that Taylor Swift, you are a spoiled ostrich-legged, no talent, big-footed freak.
You pretend to relate to your fans, but you make your bodyguards carry your purse.
All your songs sound the same.
And your cats aren't that cute.
Thank you, Chris.
This next song is about my dumb ex-boyfriend, who either mistreated me, cheated on me or went to massage parlors when I was out of town.
(CROWD CHEERING) Wow, Chris, that was really nice of you.
Yeah, I guess.
Don't worry, there'll be plenty of girls for you.
No one will ever be close to as good as her, but we'll find you someone.
What about, like, a motorcycle lady? You know, like an old gal? Her grandchildren call her by her first name? Let's get out of here.
I called us an Uber.
(SLURRING): How many tooths is not enough tooths? Well, kids, your father may have gotten beat up, but Uber's still a great job for anyone afraid to sell their blood.
And, Chris, I'm sorry it didn't work out with you and Taylor Swift.
I think we're all sorry about that, Brian, but I'm afraid we are out of time.
I would like to thank our guests Taylor Swift, Chris Griffin, Stewie and Brian, Cleveland Brown and his band of Brown Renown.
Hey, we'll see you down in Brown Town, huh, Cleveland? Oh, I ain't even gonna go there, Peter.
(PLAYS SLIDE NOTE) We apologize to the greased-up deaf guy.
Didn't have time for him tonight, but let's see if we can get him back next week when Amanda Peet will be here with stand-up Dom Irrera.
Good night, everybody.
(BAND PLAYING JAZZ VERSION OF "FAMILY GUY" THEME) (FANFARE PLAYS)