Bob's Burgers s15e06 Episode Script

1
[FROND OVER P.A.]
Good afternoon, students.
Before you leave today,
just a quick update.
Our school-wide talent show
that was scheduled for this
Friday has been canceled.
- [STUDENTS EXCLAIM]
- We had a few sign-ups
and I certainly don't want to say
the talent show was canceled
due to lack of talent,
but, um, let's say it has been
postponed indefinitely
while we, uh, develop
the, um, talent.
Have a great afternoon!
- [GRUNTING]
- Unbelievable. I am offended.
We were gonna dominate that talent show.
We were gonna make it
sorry it was ever born.
W-Weren't we just gonna do a song?
- We were gonna do a song, too.
- We were gonna sing it.
I was maybe gonna do a
dance for the talent show,
but now I don't want to.
I mean, you can't, 'cause it's canceled?
Right, but still. Not gonna do it.
You know what? You
guys should ask your dad
to have a talent show at his restaurant.
Like an open mic night or something.
Why don't you ask your dad
to have an open mic
night at your restaurant?
Our dad is not open to
our innovative ideas.
Plus, do you want to perform for no one?
You got to have an
audience for these things.
That's our restaurant's
unofficial motto:
"avoid the crowds."
Our dad said he would have
an open mic night at the restaurant,
except that he likes
fun things that are good.
- So, no.
- Open mic night?
- No.
- Ooh
No, Lin. No "Ooh."
Bob. Open mic night. We should do that.
Uh, I feel like you're not hearing me.
You're saying no, but
that's just a thing you say.
I What?
Plus, Dad, we'll be performing
and it'll be amazing.
- What would you perform?
- Something with a bongo.
- A ballad about salad.
- Might be about a tree.
I mean, it's still coming together.
We want to perform, too.
[RASPY VOCALIZING]
Up, bup, bup, bup. Wow!
That's just a taste.
- Lin. See?
- What? No. I mean
I went to an open mic
night at a coffee shop
with my cousin once.
The place was packed.
- It was?
- Yeah, on a Wednesday night.
- How packed?
- W-Were people buying things?
- Y-You probably didn't notice.
- I ate three scones.
And I wasn't planning to eat any scones.
- No one plans to eat a scone.
- Mm.
- We can advertise, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
But we want a cut of the door.
We couldn't charge at the
door. No one would pay.
We want a cut of the food.
- No.
- Cut of the beverages?
- No.
- Streaming rights?
- May Uh, sure.
- And we'll emcee and we'll handle
the sign-up sheet and if we get a line,
- Tina will be on crowd control.
- Uh, I will?
- Hmm. A line.
- Deal?
Okay, deal. I-If we
can make a little money.
Gordon the Gecko over here.
- Yay! Open mic.
- Great. - Wow.
- Yay!
- [WHOOPS]
[BOTH] La-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
Boys. Boys, too much. Holster it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, got it.
We really should figure
out what we're gonna sing.
It needs to be something groundbreaking.
Do you have anything
groundbreaking handy?
You got to spit out your love
when you're brushing your heart?
Keep thinking. Have something
ready by lunch tomorrow.
Oh, good. So, I have time.
Oof. "A P.A. is a must-have."
Of course it is. What's a P.A.?
Speakers and a mixing board and mics.
Can't people just sing loud?
That's what I was hoping,
but apparently not.
Mics seem to be a big
part of open mic nights.
Oh, God, it's, like, $200 a day to rent.
Oh, boy.
[EXCLAIMS] We have
to pay a licensing fee.
- Wha?
- To the music rights people.
It looks like it might be a lot.
Maybe we don't have to
pay if it's just one night?
What do you think, the first one's free,
like a sex worker?
- A sex worker?
- Yeah.
I don't think sex workers give
you the first one for free.
- That's drug dealers.
- Oh, Mr. Streets over here.
Knows who gives the first one free.
- I'm not Mr. Streets.
- Mm-hmm.
[SIGHS] Maybe we don't
do the open mic night.
We-we shouldn't lose
money on this, right?
- Yeah. I guess not.
- Should I go tell the kids?
Eh. You can tell 'em in the morning.
- Or you could tell 'em.
- Oh, no, I'm not telling 'em.
Great. But you'll back
me up on this, right?
- [SNORES]
- Lin?
Maybe the kids won't even care.
They've probably moved on to
not-open-mic related things.
Open mic night at Bob's Burgers.
Come for the beats, stay for the meats.
I hope it's okay that we got up early
and made these without
checking with Mom and Dad.
They already agreed. Yesterday.
We're pre-approved to launch
our amazing ad campaign.
Thank you.
Whoa!
Are you having an open mic night?
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
Would a landlord have a
problem, theoretically,
if a tenant had an open mic night
in their place of business?
A landlord? Is that
what you think of me?
- Yes.
- We pay you rent. Sometimes.
Sure, I own the hovel
that you live and work in,
but first and foremost,
I am a troubadour,
- a minstrel.
- A menstrual?
Please reserve a spot
for me, Young Burgers.
Sign-ups are day of.
[CLEARS THROAT] Let's go
back to the landlord part.
- Uh, we'll-we'll find a spot for you.
- Thank you.
I'll be inviting the
Princess Angelica Flavia
to join me.
She's an actual Belgian
princess who plays the harp.
We've already got, like, three of those.
-Really?
-No, I'm kidding. She's the first one.
She's traveling the
country by private train.
And I was hoping to check
out her caboose, so to speak.
She's, uh, an age appropriate
princess for me, you see.
- She's a PILF.
- Yes, I suppose so.
And that makes me a
pilferer. Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Good luck?
[LINDA] Where the heck are the kids?
I don't know. It's spooky
when they get up before we do.
- It's like they escaped.
- So, no go on the open mic, huh?
Yeah. It-it just costs
too much. We can't do it.
I feel like Mort talked you into this
- and we should all be mad at him.
- Oh, here they are.
Kids, hey, listen. We've
got some news that
Dad, Dad, Dad. Everybody's coming
to the open mic night. Everybody.
- You're welcome.
- What? - Wait, what?
- We fliered.
- I paid for the copies.
I'm hoping I can get reimbursed?
I have the receipt. Oh, boy,
I think I handed it to
someone instead of a flier.
- Oh, my God.
- It's also online.
Probably viral. We ran into Mort
and he said he'd post about it
on all the neighborhood apps.
He took a picture of
the flier with his phone.
My thumb's gonna be famous.
Don't let it go to your head.
Oh, my God.
Kids, you should not have
made fliers without asking.
We're not doing the open mic night.
- [ALL] What?
- [ENTRY BELLS CHIME]
- Bob.
- Uh, hey, Marshmallow.
[ALL] Hi, Marshmallow.
I love your outfit.
It's just what I wear to work.
Bob, I'm so glad you're
doing this open mic night.
Um, we're not actually doing it.
Are you calling this flier a liar?
I'm sorry. It would just cost
us money that we don't have.
Like, uh, a lot of it.
Dad. We're gonna pack the place.
Kids, I know you wanted to perform,
but you don't even know
what song you want to sing.
That doesn't mean anything.
Yeah, we're gonna figure
it out at the last minute.
That's how all great
works of art are made.
Beethoven's 5th he came up
with that the day before the concert.
Ken Burns' Baseball was mostly improv.
- Kids.
- Bob.
- Yes?
- This is about expression.
- The plate is your stage.
- Whoa.
When these kids want to make
some noise, do they have a stage?
It was gonna be at school, but
the talent show was canceled.
The talent show was canceled, Bob.
The talent show was canceled.
The talent show was canceled, Bob.
Yes, I know. What, uh, what
if the kids sing a song,
but we don't have mics and we don't
call it an open mic night?
That's still a stage, right?
- Got to have mics. Come on.
- And an audience.
And other performers
to compare ourselves to.
And boys. Maybe, like, a
youth basketball team's bus
breaks down right in front
on the night of the show.
- I want to sing, too.
- You do?
I need to sing. Here.
Right here. Friday night.
Right there? That's so specific.
My parents are coming to town.
I saw this flier and
I said, "Well, well."
"Well, well," what?
- Don't what my "well, well."
- Sorry.
Bob, I have places to be.
I came by to say save me a slot.
Will you be saving me a
slot at your open mic night?
Say yes.
[SIGHS] Fine.
[ALL] Yay!
Thank you. Kids, your
parents are good people.
Do all your chores
this week. All of them.
- Uh
- Don't ruin this.
Yeah, what the heck, Marshmallow?
- Excuse me?
- Sorry.
Lots of great song ideas over here.
- Well, I've got nothing.
- Oh, phew. Me neither.
- I've got something.
- Is that my journal?
Yeah, sometimes when I'm blocked,
I flip through it for inspiration.
- You do?
- Look at this.
- Whoa.
- That's a song.
- It is.
- Let me see.
You were pressing very hard
with your pen in this section.
I'm still processing
the "I read your journal when
I'm feeling blocked" part.
Gene, don't read your sister's
journal without asking.
- Oh, look at that.
- Mom.
So, we watching TV or what?
- We're songwriting.
- No, we're songwriting.
No parents. It's a surprise.
Fine. I'll go watch the
computer with your father.
Do we still have your
grandma's password?
[ALL] It doesn't work anymore.
- [LINDA] Damn it.
- Tina, that stuff is better
than anything else
we're gonna come up with.
All it needs is some bongo.
That's true about everything.
But it-it's embarrassing.
W-What if Jimmy Junior comes
to the open mic night, he
Wait, he may be busy.
I think he has a
wrestling meet that night.
Give me the journal. He does. Hmm.
Is it home or away?
It's away, that's good.
- [QUIETLY] Everything's in there.
- [QUIETLY] She's very thorough.
[SIGHS]
Uh, I-I'll think about it.
I mean, it's personal,
the things I wrote
and want to do, so,
probably definitely not.
- Sure, sure.
- Uh-huh, we respect that.
[GENE] Okay, hot off
the presses, people.
Take one and pass the stack.
Some of you know our band,
the Itty Bitty Ditty Committee.
Darryl and Peter are
pursuing a solo project called
"They Didn't Feel Like Doing This,"
so we're forming a new
group for this event.
[GROANS] That's private. Excuse me.
Thank you. I'll take that.
Gene, Louise, not okay.
We need to audition people today.
I mean, sorry?
- Aah!
- She's just shy.
Teenagers. Am I right?
- She'll come around.
- How about this?
Who can get dropped off at
our house on Friday night?
You're all in the band.
You saw some of the notes.
Learn 'em tonight.
The rhythm's like this.
[VOCALIZING WILDLY]
Learn it, people.
[TEDDY] You know, I'm
thinking about doing a song.
- With Mort.
- Oh, God.
- What?
- I mean, uh, good. Yup.
- He plays guitar.
- Uh-huh.
You know, I give him
a hard time sometimes
because he's annoying,
but i-it'd be fun.
He wants to do a bossa
nova. What's a bossa nova?
Uh, I think it's Latin Jazz?
What? Why did I agree
to do this with Mort?
I don't have that kind of sensuality!
[PLAYING PIANO]
♪
Oh ♪
[BAND PLAYS FINAL NOTE]
- So?
- [SIGHS]
Fine. We can do the song.
Hey, save that fire for the show.
-
- Bob. Mrs. Bob.
I'm here to make sure the
piano gets properly situated.
- [LINDA] The piano?
- Yes, it's in the truck.
We're gonna take the window frame out,
crane in the piano,
then put the window back.
- You cats cool with that?
- What? N-no.
Relax, Bob. Hey, what you got there
some little tiny speakers
and a little tiny mixer?
Um, no. Normal-sized speakers
and a big-enough mixer.
We-we rented them.
Well, I brought a system from the wharf.
My voice just sounds tinny on
anything less than 500 watts.
Don't worry. I won't charge you for it.
It would have been good
to know this before.
Can't get a refund.
Hmm. Gonna be tight in here
with a nine-foot concert grand.
We'll need to remove these stools.
- No objection, I take it?
- [SIGHS]
And I'd love a little height.
Uh, okay if we put in a riser?
- [BOB] Mm.
- And curtains and lights, of course.
- [BOB] Of course.
- Wish it wasn't a burger place.
Too late to change that?
Couldn't it be a wine bar?
- Ooh!
- Lin.
Oh, I love the lights. Magical.
- Yup.
- All right.
I borrowed this clipboard
from Mr. Frond at school
for our day-of
sign-up sheet.
It's day-of o'clock. So let's sign up.
Going last Louise,
Gene, Tina and friends.
Mom, are you gonna sign up?
You love to sing. Constantly.
No, I was gonna sing something
with Gayle, but she's gonna go
to that papier-mâché
convention, Mâché-micon.
It's fine. I'll be too
busy working anyway.
- Slinging that hash, making that cash.
- [ENTRY BELLS CHIME]
Making cash? Huh-ho!
- Trying something new? Zoom!
- Bye, Jimmy.
- Thanks for stopping by.
- [CHUCKLES] I'm teasing, Bob.
Having an open mic
night, huh? That's dumb.
Bye, Jimmy. Thanks for stopping by.
You got to pay a license
fee for song rights.
You know that, right? And
you can't weasel out of it,
'cause, you know, someone could
so easily drop a dime on you.
Well, I already paid
it, Jimmy, so, uh, bye.
Heh. Course, if you do, by
some miracle, pack the place,
then a concerned neighbor
could call the fire marshal
- to come count heads.
- Oh.
[LAUGHS] Oh, ho-ho-ho!
You didn't think of that.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Probably 'cause you don't even
know your maximum occupancy
because it never comes up.
- That's a zoom.
- Hey, Jimmy,
can I take a five-minute
break later tonight?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd
you even come over here
- to ask me that?
- Can I get five minutes at 7:00?
- Trev at 7:00.
- Don't sign up for the thing.
What? I've got music in me.
Andy and Ollie are singing, too.
I know. I'll be here.
- And watch me, also?
- Yeah, yeah.
But I'm not gonna be proud of anybody.
Crap. Being over capacity
I didn't think of that.
- That fine would kill us.
- Maybe just exactly
the right amount of people will come?
I don't know if it's the
exact right amount of people,
but, um, they're already here.
You've got a line.
- Yes!
- Oh.
Do they look hungry?
That guy's got takeout.
Oh, and sorry, the band kids
are expecting free fries.
- [BOB GROANS]
- There's nothing I could do,
it's in their contract.
All right. Welcome to open mic night
at Bob's Burgers.
First of many.
- [COUGHS] Push the food.
- Oh, and buy some food.
Gene didn't flick anything
into the meat grinder today.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let's start the show
with Andy and Ollie Pesto
doing "Moonlight Sonata."
I didn't know you guys played the piano.
I thought you were singing.
- We don't play the piano.
- What's a piano?
[VOCALIZING]
Please, Mr. Postman ♪
Look and see
Okay, it's my job.
Is there a letter
in your bag for me? ♪
Could be. You know, it's been ♪
A really long time ♪
Since I heard from ♪
- This girlfriend of mine ♪
- [TREV] My friends ♪
Feel it's their appointed duty ♪
They keep trying to tell me ♪
All you want to do is use me ♪
Eesh, somebody hurt that guy, huh?
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Uh-oh.
You been counting as people come in?
- Uh, yeah.
- No, you haven't.
You can't count. Might
be overcrowded, Bob.
Excuse me, I got to think of a good zoom
to say to Trev when he comes off.
Oh, God.
[WHISPERS] Tina, Tina.
Uh, sorry, we're at capacity.
It's, uh, one in, one out from now on.
[CHUCKLES] My young burger child,
we're the star attraction.
Sorry, fire code. And
I'm supposed to be muscle.
So, it, uh
Tell you what, we're gonna
push past you, Muscles.
But as soon as I get in,
I'm gonna find two people
and tell them you said
they have to leave.
Okay, you're going in. Yep.
Good lovin' gone bad ♪
And it's usually too late ♪
When you ♪
Realize what you had ♪
My mind goes back to a girl I left ♪
Some years ago ♪
Who told me ♪
Just hold on loosely ♪
But don't let go ♪
[WHISPERS] Your Majesty,
please, I assure you,
this is one of the
hottest scenes in town.
- I mean, it's all relative, of course
- The smell.
It makes me sick! It makes me sick!
- Hurtful.
- Very hurtful.
Hey, no one's eating.
I'm just making fries for band kids.
I think everyone's
about to order a burger.
- [ENTRY BELLS CHIME]
- Oh, crap! - What?
[BOB] That's the fire marshal.
- Jimmy.
- I didn't call him, I swear.
- Nice turnout.
- Y Uh, yep.
I was just on my way to the
papier-mâché convention
- highly flammable convention
- Mâché-micon.
When I heard the music in here.
You know what the fine is
for being over capacity?
I I-I don't.
Don't answer yet. Guess what the fine is
for obstructing the main exit.
W-We're not obstructing
the main exit that much.
You just have to go like this
to get by the harp and the speaker.
- I'm shutting this down.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Shutting us down?
- And fining you.
- Don't gloss over that.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is someone shutting us down?
- Louise.
- No! We haven't gone yet.
We rehearsed two and half times.
What, is this guy the
fire marshal or something?
- Yes.
- Oh. Hi.
[FIRE MARSHAL] You want to make
the announcement or should I?
[BOB] Oh, no, like, tell
people they have to leave?
That's how getting shut down works.
Teddy and Mort,
everyone. Teddy and Mort.
[APPLAUSE]
Good thing you're a mortician,
Mort, 'cause you killed.
I-It's just, we haven't
sold that many burgers.
Could they order a bunch of
food to go before they leave?
Seems like you want me to shut it down.
Folks Oh. Marshmallow.
- Marty.
- Oh, you-you know each other?
Marty, you are not about
to mess with my moment.
- Were you gonna sing?
- For my parents.
- I, um
- They've never heard me sing.
Uh, and they live far
away, and they're old.
- Oh [CHUCKLES]
- Marty,
- who saved your life in that nightclub?
- You did.
And who never told anyone
that embarrassing way
- you almost died in that nightclub?
- You.
And what were you
doing in that nightclub?
Were you dancing, Marty?
- I was dancing, and-and
- You were dancing
with an open flame, weren't you, Marty?
- I was
- The fire marshal.
Yes, I w I made a mistake.
- And did you start a fire, Marty?
- I-I did start a fire.
And I carried you out
of that building, Marty,
like a baby.
Yes, I-I felt very safe.
Louise, how many more acts?
- Fischoeder, you, us.
- Marty.
Code enforcement starts with this code.
It doesn't, but you know what?
I counted wrong, and
those guys are leaving.
A-And look at that,
they barely have to form
a single-file line
to push their way out.
I'm a big music fan.
Did I tell you I was a music fan?
- No. - Great.
- Let's hear some music.
Attaboy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Calvin Fischoeder and Her Majesty,
the Princess Angelica Flavia.
♪
Baby, it seems we never ♪
Ever agree ♪
I like the movies ♪
And I like TV ♪
I take things serious ♪
And you take 'em light ♪
I go to bed early ♪
And I party all night ♪
Our friends are saying ♪
We ain't gonna last ♪
'Cause I move slowly ♪
And baby, I'm fast ♪
I like it quiet ♪
And I love to shout ♪
But when we get together ♪
It just all works out ♪
Jimmy Jr! Jimmy Jr. is here.
- That's not good.
- Hey, Tina.
Hey, there, bud.
I came straight here from wrestling.
I didn't even change.
Yep, yep. You are here.
You are right here.
You seem kind of freaked out.
Do I smell? That's not my sweat.
- That's the other guy's.
- Uh-huh.
Excuse me one sec.
- We can't do the song.
- Or we go the other way
- and we do the song.
- Nope. What's our backup plan?
- Run?
- Tina, it's honest,
it's raw and it's real.
- Also, we have nothing else.
- Damn it.
[WEAK CHUCKLE]
Let's get you a drink, huh?
You a water man? Juice man?
Uh, oh, yeah, you are covered
in someone else's sweat.
That's wrestling for you.
♪
There's a road ♪
I know I must go ♪
Even though I tell myself ♪
That road is closed ♪
Listen, lonely seabird ♪
You've been away from land ♪
Too long ♪
Oh, too long ♪
I don't listen ♪
To the news no more ♪
Like an unwound clock, I just ♪
Don't seem to care ♪
This world isn't big enough ♪
To keep me away ♪
From you ♪
Oh, from you ♪
Seabird, seabird ♪
Fly home ♪
Seabird, seabird ♪
Fly home ♪
Seabird, seabird ♪
Fly home. ♪
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
[LOUISE] Marshmallow, everyone.
Mr. F, we can stand on this, right?
- I do it almost every night.
- Folks, people,
our open mic night is almost over.
Hey, how about a hand for
the kids behind the counter?
Just kidding. They're not kids.
Look how old they are.
Um, did everyone order
three or four burgers?
Hmm. This night might
not be the big moneymaker
we thought it would be.
Pass it around, people.
Who wants to help us dig out of the hole
that we, uh that
some of us, uh, dug here?
[SIGHS]
- Oh.
- [GENE] Did you want to hear
- one last song?
- [APPLAUSE]
[HYPERVENTILATING]
[WHISPERS] Tina, it's a good song.
If we're gonna do this
- Jimmy Jr.!
- Yeah?
- I hope you like it.
- What?
- A light goes on inside ♪
- [VOCALIZING]
When I behold your backside ♪
A-one, two, three ♪
I want to draw a face on
your butt and then kiss it ♪
I want to draw a star on
your butt and then wish it ♪
I want to build a house
on your butt and then visit ♪
Put a big E on your
butt, it's explicit ♪
- You're a dancer, a wrestler
- Uh-huh, yeah ♪
So you know that
butt's impress-ler ♪
- Mom, get up here.
- Yay!
I want to draw a face on
your butt and then kiss it ♪
I want to draw a star on
your butt and then wish it ♪
I want to build a house
on your butt and then visit ♪
Put a big E on your
butt, it's explicit ♪
- You're a dancer, a wrestler
- Uh-huh, yeah ♪
So you know that
butt's impress-ler ♪
- Yeah ♪
- Ow, ow, ow, ow ♪
I want to draw a face on
your butt and then kiss it ♪
Kiss it ♪
I want to draw a star on
your butt and then wish it ♪
Wish it ♪
I want to build a house
on your butt and then visit ♪
Visit ♪
Put a big E on your
butt, it's explicit ♪
- Uh-huh ♪
- Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
I want to draw a face on
your butt and then kiss it ♪
I want to draw a star on
your butt and then wish it ♪
I want to build a house
on your butt and then visit ♪
Put a big E on your
butt, it's explicit ♪
Put it on your butt, explicit, yeah. ♪