Family Guy s15e06 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rational Geographic.
BRITISH NARRATOR: Upon realizing a trip to Africa would be smelly and gross, our crew decided to stay in the office.
Aah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat! Oh, my God, there's a bat in the house.
Okay, all-all right, everybody just calm down, it might just be Grandpa Munster.
Somebody set him up for a funny joke.
Hey, Grandpa, how did you sleep last night? Yeah, see, if it was him, he would have said, "Like I do every night: upside down.
" Okay.
But Peter, we can't have a bat flying around the house.
We got to do something.
Don't worry, Lois.
I'll get rid of it.
It'll be a piece of cake.
Just like my penis enhancement.
I want it to hang down to my knees.
They moved up my knees.
Everybody, I've come up with the perfect plan to catch the bat.
I bought this remote- controlled toy helicopter, to which I have attached this handgun.
And I tell you, this thing is not easy to fly.
- Peter, that doesn't seem very - Here goes.
Now, I don't have anything to control the trigger with, so I put it on a timer.
But I don't remember how long I set it Aah! We're all gonna die! Okay, so, now the bat has a gun, and the knives I gave him.
What? Why would you give him knives? I didn't think it would matter.
I was counting on this helicopter thing working.
Peter? Wh-where are you? What's going on? PETER: In order to understand the bat, we must first understand the vampire.
So I watched Interview With the Vampire.
Cast your gaze upon Lestat.
Peter, you're not a vampire.
Oh? Then why am I clad in velvet pants tucked into soft leather boots? And why does my shirt billow so in the wind of that rotating fan? Peter, what's really going on? I'm just tryin' to reinvent my look.
A guy at work said I dress like crap.
Well, you show 'em tomorrow, Peter.
How'd it go? I was sent home early and labeled a distraction.
They're having a meeting about me tomorrow.
(ALARM BUZZES) Wha Wh-What's wrong? Ar-Are we taking a terrible 7:00 a.
m.
flight? No no.
I realized to catch a bat, I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.
It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.
Okay, but what are you gonna do? Well, as everyone knows, bats watch a ton of Cinemax softcore porn, so that seems like the place to start.
(WOMAN MOANING) - A-ha! - (SQUEAKS) MAN: Welcome back to CNBC's Moneyline.
Oh come on, man, nobody's buyin' that.
You expect me to believe you own stocks? Bat Industries was up two dollars a share today in heavy trading.
- Huh.
- (SQUEAKING) Get back here! Damn it! Aah! (SQUEAKING CONTINUING) I got you now, Bat Damon.
I named you Bat Damon.
Aw, now I want you to live.
Aah! Aah! What is it? - Aah! - Ow! You can beat me, but I am who I am! Peter, what the hell did you do to Stewie's hand? It could be broken.
I didn't mean to.
It's just, sometimes I don't think before I act.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Hey, did you just high-five that sign? Yeah.
You think differently.
Get in.
PETER: His name was Derek.
But he went by the Prophet when times were good, or the Law Giver when times were bad.
I moved onto his prayer farm with 45 other members of the Salvation Star Boys, who died in a mass suicide.
But not me.
'Cause I don't like root beer.
And I only drink what I like.
After it was all over, I called Lois to pick me up.
She was mad.
But she's what Derek calls an Oppressing Doubter.
May the light of Derek's Invincible Diamond shine through you.
Oh, thank you so much for coming in early, Dr.
Hartman.
Oh, no problem.
- Hell, I used to work here.
- What? Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Huh.
As long as you're here, I see Stewie hasn't had his vaccinations yet.
Should we take care of that? Well, I suppose so.
Oh, but first, I'm required to have you read this pamphlet about the risks of vaccinations.
God, you are aging so rapidly.
"Possible side effects: fever, severe allergic reaction, muscle and joint pain?" Wait, and this can't be right: they actually put some of the disease in the shot? Hey, man, how many questions your lady ask? Uh, like, a million? But I don't remember having to read any of this when Chris and Meg had their vaccinations.
Well, that was before Internet chat rooms made everybody an expert.
It's a better world now.
I-I don't know about this, Dr.
Hartman.
We might need a little bit of time to think this over.
Yeah, 'cause we don't want to make a big mistake.
Like when I peed next to the chatty guy.
(ALARM RINGS) Hey, man, we should get out of here, the building's on fire.
Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.
Anyway, I'll tell you what's on fire, my urethra.
That's the last time I go to a water park, I'll tell you that much.
Well, that's not completely true, 'cause I have a Groupon, and I'd hate to waste it.
Plus, the truth is, the kids Oh, my God I was the chatty guy.
Hey, you guys, is that my laptop? Yeah, sorry, we were looking something up.
We were going to get Stewie vaccinated, but now, after our research, we're definitely not.
Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me you fell for all that anti-vaxxer crap.
It's not crap, Brian.
There's a lot of evidence to suggest there's a link between vaccinations and autism.
Lois, all that so-called evidence has been debunked.
Listen to some of these ingredients: "mercury, thimerosal, aluminum, formaldehyde.
" Lois, deciding not to vaccinate Stewie is something that affects all of us.
The only reason they work is that if a critical mass of society gets immunized, then the diseases won't spread.
Look, Brian, I was skeptical, too, but then I did some research and I found some very interesting things from the leader of the anti-vaccination movement, Jenny McCarthy.
See? Proof.
Hard to argue with that.
And look at this one.
Glasses.
Case closed.
I can't believe you guys.
Don't you realize you're contributing to a potential public health disaster by not vaccinating your child? That's exactly the point My child.
He's my child, and nothing matters more than his well-being.
Oh, God, this is going to be a Lois story, isn't it? Game of Thrones is on, just a reminder.
Yeah, we made this mistake before.
We got the other kids vaccinated, but Meg still got chicken pox.
Dad, this is acne.
Girl, you nasty.
You realize the vast majority of people think you're wrong.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
We just got to change their minds.
We're gettin' this town to change its mind about vaccinations.
Yeah.
I'm with you.
Just as soon as I finish gettin' the word out about the one thing more important.
The brothers who made The Matrix are ladies now! They're ladies! Just one of 'em? That's the thing It's both of 'em! What are the chances? What are the chances?! The brothers who made The Matrix are ladies now! All right, come on, Peter, I've got all the stuff for our anti-vaccination rally.
I don't believe this.
It's bad enough you guys aren't vaccinating Stewie.
Now you're trying to convince other people to make the same reckless choice? I'm also gonna pet a bunch of dogs without asking.
Don't do that.
We don't like that.
Then I'm gonna try and look at their teeth.
Brian, all we want is for parents to have the choice.
Because parents know what's best for their kids.
I hear Sansa finally shows boob in this one.
You do realize they're putting your life in danger by not getting you immunized.
You could get measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough Oh, my God, are you serious? Very serious.
Even the tiniest germ could make you very ill and, left untreated, kill you.
Really? I'd expect this kind of thing from the fat man, but not Lois.
Although she did act like a nutcase that time she went shopping right before Thanksgiving.
Ready for Turkey Day? (CHUCKLES) Clever.
Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I won't.
Now, if only the meal would cook itself, huh? (CACKLES LOUDLY) (OVER P.
A.
): Parents of Quahog and weekend dads playing three minutes of catch, do you know that the number of childhood vaccines has tripled in the last generation? And why is that? Because heartless corporations make billions of dollars by foisting garbage and poison upon our children.
We demand that these vaccines be tested by independent researchers, not by the companies who make them.
Excuse me, are you the lady selling the bullhorn? What? No.
I'm over here.
(SIGHS) Damn it.
This doesn't seem to be working.
Well, obviously, Lois.
You can't just go to a park and list a bunch of boring facts.
You got to spice things up.
Like I did when I was a lounge singer with uneven lyric density.
This is a song I wrote for my beautiful girlfriend.
Her name is Kim I don't understand why your father Has such problems with us Kim Mostly I think it's because I don't make my car payments on time But also because I was dating someone else At the same time as Kim Two, three, four, (RAPIDLY): five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Kim I love you But mostly I love that you let me eat crackers in the bed Kim! Thank you! (PLAYS FINAL NOTE) (RHYTHMIC TAPPING) (RHYTHMIC CLINKING) (RHYTHMIC ICE RATTLING) (CLAPS) Eh, that's enough of that.
What the hell? Peter, is that you on TV right now? Oh yeah, that's my anti-vaccination PSA.
Hi, I'm a medical guy, and I'm here to give you the facts about vaccs.
Fact Vaccinations cause autism, paralysis, and even death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death, death.
Fact: "vaccinate" rhymes with "masturbate.
" Would you let a doctor do that to your kid? Fact: I still think Michelle Williams is Carey Mulligan.
Fact! Medical delivery for badass karate doctor.
Ah yes, those must be the bones and skulls.
(BONES CLATTERING) I see no boob bones, the victim was a man.
Wow.
SINGER: Oh, yeah! ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines.
Paid for with Meg's college fund.
What the hell is all this? I'm trying to protect myself from all those diseases I'm not vaccinated against.
Speaking of which, do you have any idea the germs you routinely track into this house? From now on I'm going to ask that you wear these shoes while indoors.
Where'd you get those? Put 'em on and lick your lips! Stewie, you might be taking this too far.
Proper hygiene depends on everyone, Brian.
For instance, I've already saran-wrapped Chris.
(MUFFLED): I'm a gas station sandwich! (DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV) We interrupt this program with breaking news.
Childhood vaccination rates in Quahog have dropped to an all-time low, fueled by a recent media campaign led by local meddler, Peter Griffin, shown here in the basket of Henry Thomas' bicycle.
That can't be real, right? Oh, I knew one of these had to be my house.
Damn it, Peter, thanks to you, nobody in this town is vaccinating their kids anymore! Do you even realize the harm you've caused? Harm? What are you talking about? I'm making the world a better place.
Like when I was the Instagram police.
(SIREN WAILS, THEN STOPS) Sorry, lady, got to crop the chotch.
I will take this.
And cutaway complete.
(SIREN WAILS) Man, there is a lot of bad art in these hallways.
All right, Stewie, see you after school.
Wait a minute, where are all the other kids? Haven't you heard? There's been an outbreak of measles.
It's all because everyone stopped vaccinating their kids.
Oh, my God! And it's not just our school.
Kids all over town are getting sick.
(AIR RAID SIREN BLARES) OFFICIAL (OVER BULLHORN): Attention! Attention! What the hell? (CROWD CLAMORING, SIRENS WAILING) People of Quahog, your town is under quarantine.
Until further notice, no one may enter or leave the city.
Oh, that's the guy who bought the bullhorn at the park.
Oh, this is awful.
It's all our fault! And look, Joe's arguing with a state policeman over jurisdiction.
Thanks, Swanson, we'll take it from here.
It's a state matter now.
No way, this is my town.
Thanks, guys, the feds will take it from here.
Oh, no, this is my state.
Hi, I'm a crossing guard who can walk, so I have jurisdiction over all of you.
Must be serious.
They brought in the big guns.
You happy now, Lois? Because of you, there's a measles epidemic, and the whole town is quarantined.
Speak for yourself, Brian.
I, for one, am enjoying the indoor family time.
Who's up for another game of hot-breath telephone? (LOUD, MUMBLED WHISPER) We're all gonna die! Chris, you're supposed to whisper that to the next person.
Peter, Brian's right! We were wrong about everything! We've got to get to the hospital and get Stewie vaccinated! Eh, it might be a little too late for that.
I kind of destroyed all the vaccines in town.
(EXPLOSIONS, GLASS SHATTERING) All right, what else did I have to do today? Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
I better get home.
You destroyed all the vaccines? Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
Is anyone else feeling feverish, achy, and acutely sensitive to light? Oh, my God, Peter.
Y-you've got measles! Now, hold on, hold on, before we all freak out, it might just be full-body herpes.
Wait, you guys, Dad might not have been vaccinated.
Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico? Nobody remembers that, Meg.
We got to keep you away from Stewie.
You'll get him sick.
Oh, my little guy's gonna be fine.
All he needs is a good, old-fashioned game of hot-breath telephone.
(BREATHY WHISPER): Measles.
(YELLS) I've got to get out of this house, or I'll be in worse shape than John Goodman! I've got your EKG here.
How does it look? Well, it spells out "Pancakes.
" Oh, okay, so same as last time.
I'm recommending you go on a strict diet immediately.
Nope.
Horses that make it look like I can walk, take me to Hollywood! All right, I'm almost done packing.
I've got it down to four bags and a hatbox.
I'm gonna need some help, Rupert.
Rupert? Ew, that's the tushie thermometer.
Dear God, you're burning up! I have to get out of here! I'm sorry, Rupert.
But the situation here has become unbearable.
Like talking to someone with adult braces.
So, yeah, last weekend, Sheila and I took the kids up to the lake, it was great.
We had great weather, fired up the barbecue, Sheila's parents came up towards the end of the week (LOUDLY): When are you gonna get those off? (WEAKLY): Meg, you must carry on my legacy.
Promise me you'll crop the chotches.
Crop them, Meg! Crop them all! LOIS: Peter, Stewie's gone! I've looked everywhere! Oh, Lois, I feel a little better.
I think I could keep down deviled eggs.
Lois, what's wrong? I can't find Stewie.
He must've gotten out of the house.
God knows how far he's gone.
Well, look, there's a Family Circus dotted path.
It'll lead us right to him.
BRIAN: Ah, it's just Billy.
He died of measles.
And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit.
Lucky.
If I can just escape this quarantine and make it to the next town, I'll be able to get that vaccine I need.
Stewie! I'm you from the future! You've got to get the hell out of town before you get sick! Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.
Okay, I'm really here because I know you have glue.
Give me the glue.
(INHALES DEEPLY, THEN MOANS) Stewie, listen to me, never, ever do this great thing I love.
There's the bridge out of town! So we're all there at the Clam, just kind of making music together, and then Peter, of course, had to join in and clap his hands, and I said, "Eh, that's enough of that.
" (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I kind of run the group.
I'll just have to go around them.
Good Lord.
I hope my shoe doesn't fall to make me realize how far the drop is.
(SPLASH IN THE DISTANCE) Oh, my orthotic was in there.
(TIRES SCREECH) Stewie? Where are you? Lois, what's going on? That's one of my sidekicks' wives.
He says he's in charge of the group, is that true? No, not in the slightest, but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.
We can't find him anywhere.
Lois, look! (GRUNTING) I don't know if he can hold on much longer.
We got to get him down.
Stewie, hang on! Mommy's coming! (TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Oh, no, upside-down train! (YELLS) - Stewie! - Oh, no! (CONTINUES YELLING) Sean Penn? That's right, two-time Oscar winner Sean Penn.
What are you doing here? I'm bringing vaccines into your quarantined town.
Any time there's a public health crisis in a third-world land, I'm there.
Third world? This is Rhode Island.
Oh, really? Have you seen some of the delis on Federal Hill? Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam! Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn.
Oh, my God, you saved my baby! Thank you so mu Oh.
Sean Penn.
You're the one who played that homosexual.
Yeah.
All right, well, I'll take my son now.
I've brought enough vaccines for your whole town.
I hope you've realized that vaccinations are not a freedom of choice issue, they're a public health issue.
Thanks to them, countless serious diseases, mumps, polio, smallpox, and rubella, have been all but eradicated.
Like clean water and functional schools, vaccinations are a human right.
Great, just what I needed, a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
This whole thing has been a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
Well, it's a relief that everyone's been vaccinated, and the quarantine has been lifted.
Well, I'm just happy that Stewie is healthy, and only 150 people died, but not anyone we knew personally.
Yeah, I know I sure learned something.
(TAPPING ON WINDOW) Hey, do you like apples? Yeah.
Well, I got her number.
How do you like them apples? Oh, Bat Damon! You got the best of me again!