Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e07 Episode Script

Come out! Come out! Come out, you! Come out! Who's that you're talking to? Me old bike.
I wonder if folk realise I live beside a chap who talks to bicycles! It got stuck in the doorway.
You're never going to ride that!? I thought I'd give her an airing.
WHEELS SQUEAK Just needs a drop of oil.
I'll get Wesley to look her over.
Oil? She wants a decent burial ! But the bell still works.
It's all that does around here (!) Give over! I'm in very good condition for a man of my age! You've NEVER been in good condition.
It's not worth worrying about now.
Give us a kiss! Oh, keep away! Tha don't know what tha's missing, missus! Tha' doesn't know! HAMMERING Oh, Wesley, Wesley, Wesley Don't you think you're becoming a bit obsessive about the motor vehicle? Are you sure you're not neglecting the rest of your life? I'm the last one to interfere, but are you sure you're being fair to the little woman? Wouldn't she like to see you OUT of your overalls? No, don't move and don't argue.
You just listen to me.
I'm giving this advice as a friend.
To the military mind, it is elementary tactics - surprise.
The art of warfare and the art of the happy relationship.
Surprise her occasionally.
Don't say anything.
I just want you to think about this.
Buy her a few flowers, take her out somewhere.
I know you're thinking, "He's not married.
What does HE know?" Well, it's often the outsider who sees best.
I think you're putting a strain on your marriage.
HORN BEEPS How do, Foggy? Oh, hello, Wesley.
HIGH VOICE: Good morning! Chilly for the time of year.
KNOCK AT DOOR Good morning, Howard.
She's left me, Cleggy.
Walked out.
Gone.
Well, isn't it marvellous? When you had her, you took her for granted.
Now you go all to pieces.
I bet you never thought you'd miss Pearl like this.
Pearl!? I'm not talking about Pearl.
It's Marina! Oh! I thought it was funny.
I thought Pearl wouldn't leave you.
She's got staying power, Pearl.
You're telling me (!) Well, why has Marina left you? The usual.
Another man.
Some smooth-talking, glib, TALLER person.
Smiler! She's become involved with Smiler! Smiler - a smooth talker!? Smiler makes tortoises look lively! After all the risks I've taken for that woman! Smiler! Why Smiler? Well, because he's tall and unattached.
Well, you're All right.
But he's so miserable! I told her that.
What did she say? She said, "At least HE'S tall.
" I'm smalland miserable.
But that's great, Howard.
It means that your life is finally free and uncomplicated.
Right.
DISTANT SQUEAKING No brakes! NO BRAKES ! AAAAH ! AAAAH ! Don't worry! I'm coming! I'll give you a hand! Don't worry! Everything's all right.
I just want to check if there's any bones broken.
Don't move! It's all right.
Thanks for the tea.
Any time.
Well, I better go back to holy matrimony.
KNOCK AT DOOR If that's Pearl, tell her I'm innocent of all outside affiliations.
Why don't YOU tell her? She thinks I have a tendency to lie.
Yes, but you see, Howard, that's because you have a tendency to lie.
MORE KNOCKING Oh, dear.
What's happened? Hey, he broke me fall.
All these years I've been thinking what a twit he is and suddenly it turns out he was born for breaking people's falls! The damn fool had no brakes! Oh, well, nobody's perfect.
'Ere, that small chest of drawers to this address.
Customer's waiting.
Do I have to go just now? Can't I wait till it's dark? Customer's waiting.
Money in her handbag.
Once it's delivered, it's MY money.
What are you doing standing there when MY money's in HER handbag? Couldn't I look after the shop? Oh, the man's gone totally uneconomic! What's wrong with you? I'm being pursued by a funny female.
Huh! She'd have to be! She is.
What's she pursuing you for? She's attracted to me.
Well, listenif you make a go of it, you know where to come for all your furniture.
I could do you a special price.
I'm not going to make a go of it! Why would I want to do that!? Don't go to pieces! I can't stand watching people go to pieces.
I see too much of it when they're asking for their money back! How come she's attracted to you? EmI think it's because I'm tall and unattached.
So's a derelict brick chimney (!) Eh? Look at it - it's lethal ! It's been a good machine, has this.
For riding on carpets.
It's an indoors bicycle.
Forget your carpet.
This hasn't had a drop of oil near it for yonks.
Tha should hear her squeak! More like a shriek! That was you! I could have been seriously injured.
It's a damn good job I know how to fall from my parachute training.
'Ey up, he's off again (!) Why this sudden urge to bicycle? I don't know.
I woke up and said to myself, "Why not go for a ride on the bike?" Never listen to an idiot (!) Well, it's all go this morning.
I've had to comfort Howard and now I've bikes all over my room! I've nearly got it straight.
Mmm.
Perhaps some good will come out of this.
Not for my carpet! No, for general bicycle safety.
Perhaps it was destiny that ran me over this morning.
Destiny in the shape of a scruffy little urchin.
Sounds like me.
Modest as ever.
Yes, destiny giving me a nudge to turn a fertile brain to the subject of general bicycle safety.
Hello, love.
Don't give me, "Hello, love"! What are you doing like that? Like what, love? Pressed against the wall.
Oh, that! Just leaning against the wall.
It's our wall.
I just thought I'd have a lean against it.
Are you not well? I'm finephysically.
You're acting funny.
I can't understand why you think I'm acting funny.
Foam rubber? How much foam rubber? We'll have to find out by experimentation, won't we? What's it for? Bicycle safety.
To protect the rider in case of accident.
I got the idea this morning while lying under a flying cyclist (!) You were better than a mattress.
There you have it! We need enough foam rubber to act like a mattress.
You've heard of thermal underwear.
Well, you're looking at the inventor of the first bicycle safety underwear.
That's not a good idea.
Why NOT have a picnic? Creepy-crawlies! I was thinking of potted meat or maybe a tuna sandwich.
At the sight of a sandwich, you get every creepy-crawly for miles! It's such a lovely day.
It's a shame to be stuck indoors.
What do you sit on? In my experience, grass is uncomfortable.
Well, I don't agree.
You better agree, young lady! You weren't brought up to find grass comfortable! Mother! Even when you were much younger, grass was uncomfortable.
When were you on the grass when you were young? Never you mind! Didn't her from Arnold Street nearly die at a picnic? Yes, testing Mrs William's home-made ice-cream.
What was wrong with the ice-cream? It was round Mr William's chin! I'm only talking about a simple picnic in the fresh air, not wading through alligator-infested swamps! If we're careful, we should find a place without alligators.
I don't care where you go, something will bite you and it will feel like an alligator! Come along.
Your bicycle's waiting.
I'm coming! I'm coming! If ever a bicycle needed a bit of bicycle safety, that's the one! You must admit that it suits him.
It sort of matches his ensemble.
Will you get a move on? We're waiting here.
Hold tha water! Hold tha water! It's not easy trying to walk with foam rubber.
I bet a lot of people don't know that.
You'll be glad of it when you have your accident.
What accident? Yours.
How else can we test it? Will you come back, that man? Hold that, will you? I knew he'd get me involved! Now I'm an accessory! Good morning, Mr Bristow.
Lovely day for gents' wear.
Anything you're needing? The offer IS tempting! DOG GROWLS VICIOUS SNARLING Right, come on.
Well, swing your leg over, man.
Swing? Swing! Dressed like this!? You look terrific dressed like this.
A medieval Japanese warrior! Bet they didn't have to ride bikes! I know where the fault is.
The foam rubber is in the way of your knees.
I know where the fault is - you! Lift it higher! I can't see! Stop complaining! If it's not one thing, it's another.
Right.
Now swing your leg over.
How can I test the stuff when I can't even get on the bike!? Aaaaah! Right.
Now, on my word of command One, two, three! AAAAH ! There you are - no pain at all.
Works a treat.
Fell on his back.
I think we forgot to cater for his back.
Well, you live and learn.
That's the whole point of these trials.
Now we know he needs all-round protection.
Aaaw! Oh, shut up! Come on.
Oo-oh! Ooh! Yes, that's it.
You're getting the hang of it now.
Well done! Very good.
Ooo-oh! How the hell am I supposed to ride a bike dressed like this? Think positive, man! He's POSITIVE he'll never be able to ride a bike dressed like that! Very well, then.
We'll test it again, without the bicycle.
Aaaah! Aaaaah! Right, after three.
One, two, three! What the devil are you doing now? Just hanging here to get longerstronger! It's just a few exercises.
What are you doing exercising at your time of life? Well, you never know when it might come in handy.
I think if we were attacked then I could defend you.
I think it's time you started taking the pills again, Howard.
THUD ! Oh, Mother! You can't change gear with the handbrake! Since when is this the handbrake? It didn't used to be! You see, it's your father.
He will keep changing things! Why not picnic here? Why just here? Here.
Not a yard further.
Good idea! We like it here! What are you hesitating for? Now what? You didn't like the foam rubber, we got rid of it.
So what's up? Apart from me shed? Look, don't worry about your shed.
We'll help you with your shed.
Will it hurt? Of course not.
You just press the button and the airbag inflates.
I don't know.
I wish we could have tested it.
This IS the test, man! Will he explode? I'd hate it if he did.
He will NOT explode! Can I have that in writing? I don't know if we've used enough compressed air.
There's only one way to find out.
Press your button! Pardon? Get on with it.
Don't take all day.
Look! He thinks I'm going to explode.
It's nothing personal.
Oh, get a move on, man.
You're not going to explode.
What are you doing? Someone's got to press the button.
RUSH OF AIR FARTING NOISE Yes, well, he's got a few leaks, you see.
Once we've got them plugged up, we have cracked it! LOUD FARTING SOUND Pardon.
It's a tuna sandwich.
It's not tuna I'm looking for.
It's creepy-crawlies! Oh, this grass is hard! I told you grass is hard! We're going to enjoy this (!) Don't you start arguing until you can find a handbrake! Oh, I can't say I'm built for outdoors.
I caught my Howard dangling from the banister this morning.
Whatever was he doing? Exercising, he said.
It must look very untidy, dangling from the banister.
It does.
You must stop pursuing me.
My heart belongs to another.
It's a great responsibility having such power.
That's a steep hill ! It's not steep! I've got no brakes! You don't need brakes to crash.
Lucky you! I'd sooner have brakes.
You won't hurt yourself.
Aim for the haystack.
When you hit it, you'll be fully-inflated.
I bet you've always wanted to be fully-inflated.
BLOWS RASPBERRY You're doing this for bicycle safety.
I'm doing this because I'm crackers! That sounds more plausible to me.
Right, are you ready? No! I'll take that as a cautious yes.
Right, off we go, then.
Did you hear that? "Off WE go" (!) Get on with it! AAAAH ! He can't even hit a haystack! Where does he think he's going? AAAAAAAAH ! There's one! One what? A creepy-crawly! Well, there's bound to be one.
You can't expect not to see one.
Make that two! AAAAAH ! AAAAAH ! Where is he going? It's more than creepy-crawlies! Just what I've always wanted - someone to ride over me sandwich (!) Oh, look what he's done! Are you all right? She cares! She cares! She cares! She cares! Calm yourself! I don't care as much as all that! Ee, lass! Why didn't you press the button? I DID press the button! It didn't work! Get him off! He's squeaking at me! Get him off! Get him off! LOUD POP BBC Broadcast 1993