Bob's Burgers s15e08 Episode Script

1
[CHARIOT OVER TV] These picnic
baskets that just came in
are mag-neigh-ficent.
They better be, if we
want Pickity Nickity
Picnic Supplikities to be
the hottest picnic supplies
store on the planet!
Hey, hey, hey, calm down, Peggy-sis.
- Sorry.
- Great, now I want hay.
- Hi, guys.
- [ALL] Minnie!
A tisket, a tasket,
- a me in a basket?
- [LAUGHTER]
- Ha.
- So, in the Equestranauts
reboot of the reboot, they're
not even dumb superheroes
saving the world anymore?
They just sell picnic stuff?
Yeah, but it's a competitive market.
There are, like, six
picnic stores in town.
[CHARIOT] Look, everybody,
it's our newest employee
- Helen Oats.
- [ALL] Hi, Helen Oats.
Hi, sorry I'm late for my shift.
I was busy studying to
become a horse surgeon
at the horse orphanage
hospital, Horsphanage Medical.
- Oh, Tina, that's the horse you bought.
- Yep.
- I pay attention.
- Oh, yeah.
You were very excited
when that package came.
That box was unrecyclable
after what you did to it.
[GRUNTING]
Want to help me stock
the new picnic blankets?
Um, what do you think? [LAUGHS]
Oh, Tina, look at the
horse with the glasses.
- She's cool like us.
- That's Helen Oats.
I got the figurine last week.
She's studying to be a horse surgeon
so she can help horphans.
She's sort of my hero.
Aww, my kind, sweet-hearted girl.
Hey, you know how you kids could help
a bunch of unfortunate animals
is to come set the table for dinner.
- Eh, I don't know.
- You mean all the way over there?
- Okay.
- Thank you, Tina.
[SIGHS] Great, Tina, now
you're making us look bad.
Oh, s uh, s-sorry?
Well, then, why don't
you come help, Louise?
Oh, Mother, I would love to,
but I am swamped right now,
taking stock of my Burobu guys,
making notes about their
defensive capabilities.
- Uh-huh.
- Like Slug Army Knife here.
He has a death saw and three
different murder blades,
and he also has tweezers, so, impressed?
Sure. Okay, then you two
are clearing the table.
- Uh-huh.
- Just call me George Clear-ney.
No, Clear Danes. No,
Clear-dence Clear-table Revival!
[LOUISE] Okay, I think
it's battle o'clock.
We got the Saltan army over here,
mortal enemy to slugs.
We got our Burobu army over here,
led by their fearless
general, Slug Army Knife. Hmm.
You know what all the
cool generals have?
Something to ride into battle on.
Oh, I know.
[GENE] I'm helping clean
up by playing the spoons.
- Eh?
- [BOB] Mm, mm-mm.
- Not-not really.
- How about this?
[BOB] That's pretty much the same.
- [GENE] This?
- Mm, no.
[LOUISE SHOUTS]
Murder saw, tweezer.
[SCREAMING]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Louise, have you seen Helen Oats?
- She's gone from my shelf.
- Hmm. No.
Maybe you should go to sleep,
and check to see if she's
there in the morning?
Why are you only opening
the door that much?
Huh. Feels like a good amount.
Almost too much, gonna
close it a little
[TINA] Wait, what? T-There she is!
[STRAINS]
It's weird, this door
is stuck or something.
- Sorry, I got to just keep it closed.
- Louise
[BOTH GRUNT]
Do not use Helen Oats
in your battle things.
- [GRUNTS]
- I'll do it, I'll do it.
Just don't play with her
anymore. You'll break her,
- like you break everything.
- What?
- I don't break everything.
- My tea set?
Okay, yeah, but it's not my fault
- those cups made great helmets.
- My jewelry box
with the little ballet dancer inside?
[LOUISE] I was playing
Taken and I needed
- somebody to be tooken.
- My glasses?
[LOUISE] They fit evil scientist
melted Kuchi Kopi perfectly,
but then he unfortunately
fell to his death.
[SHOUTS] You're such a brat!
Well, excuse me for
trying to do something cool
with your boring horse from your
boring show for boring people.
- [GRUNTS, GASPS]
- Um
Here, you forgot this.
[LINDA] Louise, apologize
to your sister right now
- for taking her horse and breaking it.
- I didn't break it.
Like I said, I borrowed
it for my battle,
and I was giving it back
and Tina pulled on it freakishly hard.
No, I didn't. I pulled on
it just the right amount.
And that's where all
the saltshakers went.
Yes, Dad, can we not make
this about you right now?
And I have a pepper shaker
under my bed to spice up
the food under my bed but
that's not the point, Father!
Apologize, Louise.
- Ugh.
- Forget it, Mom.
Louise isn't going to
apologize. She never apologizes.
What? I apologize all the time.
Like, Tina, I'm sorry that you're being
- so dumb about this.
- Ugh.
Oh. I just remembered.
I read something on this parenting blog
If You Build It, They Will Mom.
It was about how to make apologizing
engaging and creative.
You have the kid make
an "I'm sorry" card.
Doesn't that sound fun?
- No.
- Yes, it does, and you're doing it.
- But I didn't break it.
- Okay, here are your options:
make an "I'm sorry" card fun
or you're grounded not as fun.
- So what's it gonna be?
- [GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
[MUTTERING] Little Miss
I'm So Kind and Sweet.
Thinks she's so great.
Hmm. Sorry card.
I'll give her more than a sorry card,
and then she's gonna be sorry.
And here's your Pickity Nickity
Supplikities Toothpickities.
Thank you, and please tell Helen Oats
that I hope her tail heals quickly.
Of horse, we will.
And all clear.
- [BEEPS]
- To the secret sinister backroom.
Helen Oats, widely known for
her kindness and thoughtfulness,
identified her attacker as her
archnemesis Slug Army Knife,
who is reportedly, a total brat.
The case is sure to go before
our planet's highest court,
the Cosmic Council, where, if convicted,
Slug Army Knife would
be put in the space pod
Uranus Esgroundedum, and expelled
far out into the galaxy
to float around forever
with absolutely no TV privileges.
Your plan is going
perfectly, Helen Oats.
[TINA'S VOICE] No duh, Chariot.
Now the Cosmic Council
will vote to expel
Slug Army Knife into outer
space, which is great,
'cause as we all know,
she's my archnemesis.
- Yep. Yep. - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- We're aware.
And all I had to do was frame her
by breaking off my own tail.
But I put it back on pretty good, right?
- Yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh, darn it. Excuse me.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Slug Army Knife? What
are you doing here?
[LOUISE'S VOICE] Number one,
and also, looking for you.
- How'd you get in the building?
- I'm squishy.
Well, you know who's looking for you?
Every officer on the planet.
'Cause of my little frame job,
everyone thinks you're an evil brat.
A bratwurst, if you will. [CACKLES]
Face it, I'm the good
one, you're the bad one.
And that's why you're going
to tell the Cosmic Council
you broke off your own tail.
What? Nuh-uh.
- W-What's happening?
- [STRAINS] Slug-morphing.
- Ugh, just takes a second.
- Oh, no.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
Sorry, it's hard to hear you
'cause you're all tied up,
but I'm sure you're saying, "Good luck."
Goodbye.
- You ripped off your own tail?
- To frame Slug Army Knife?
Yes, sirree. Slug
Army Knife is innocent.
And great.
Aww, I got excited
about launching the pod.
Yeah, this sucks.
Well, launch me, Helen
Oats, the bad one,
in the Uranus Esgroundedum, eh?
- Really?
- Sure.
- All right.
- Yes!
So, yeah, whenever you're ready,
I'll just be tied up in
the secret back bathroom
at Pickity Nickity Picnic Supplikities.
And, oh, I might deny all of this then,
but that'll just be me lying again.
[LAUGHS] Okay, bye.
No. No. No!
Three, two, one, blast 'em offs.
Ow. Splinter.
Allow me.
- Tweezers.
- Aww, thank you.
You're not at all a brat.
She's not a brat.
And my "I'm sorry" card is done.
[CACKLES]
Okay, too much, too much.
♪
Damn it. [SIGHS]
[LOUISE] Excuse me for
trying to do something cool
with your boring horse from your
boring show for boring people.
[ECHOING] Boring people. Boring people.
- [LINDA] Okay, okay.
- [YOUNG TINA LAUGHS]
Support her little head, honey.
Don't let it fall off. Just kidding.
That's your little sister, sweetie.
- Aww, she loves you.
- [SCREAMS, CRYING]
- [GRUNTING]
- Okay.
Taking her back, taking her back now.
[GRUNTS, FARTS]
[SNIFFS] Oof, Gene.
I hold baby?
- Oh, uh
- Uh
- Uh, no.
- Eh, maybe-maybe no.
Peekaboo. Peekaboo.
- Peekaboo.
- [GASPS] She rolled over.
- Bob, Louise rolled over.
- [BOB] Really?
[LAUGHS] Yeah. She
rolled away from Tina.
I mean, I mean, not away
from you, Tina. Towards you.
- In a different direction.
- [GRUNTS, FARTS]
"Hey, Mr. Bear, you want to make a bet?"
"I don't gamble."
"No, silly, an alpha-bet."
- A-B-C-D
- [FARTING]
[LAUGHS]
[LINDA] She'll come around.
You'll see. You're her big sister.
- Aww, my sweet, kind girl.
- [DISTANT FART]
- [LOUISE LAUGHS]
- [MOANS]
- [SIGHS]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
[LOUISE] Tina? It's Louise.
I have that "I'm sorry"
card here for you.
Oh, uh, coming.
- Whoa.
- Yeah, it got long.
Oh, okay. Um, thanks, Louise.
[WHISPERING] Oh, wow,
look at that. Bob. Bob.
- Come see how great my idea worked.
- [BOB] What?
Louise, I'm-I'm sorry, too.
Bob, come quick.
Now Tina's apologizing for stuff.
- I did this.
- [BOB] Okay. Coming.
I'm proud of you, Mom.
Dad, be more like Mom.
- Mm.
- I'm sorry I called you a, um, uh
Huh? Is this supposed
to be me as Helen Oats?
"Ripped off my own tail"? Wait.
I'm the bad one? I
get launched into space
in Uranus Esgroundedum?
- Uh, what?
- Uh-oh.
Anyway, "I'm sorry" card delivered,
obligation met, I bid you all good eve.
[SHOUTS] Well, now I'm gonna
make you an "I'm sorry" card.
Good job?
At least you still
have your favorite boy.
Now let's go pumice our feet.
[TINA STRAINS] Dragging, dragging
Sawing, sawing
[MUFFLED GRUNTING] Help! Help!
Slug Army Knife, she tied us up.
She tied me up, too. And I'm pretty sure
she's in front of the
Cosmic Council right now
disguised as me telling them
that I broke off my own tail
- to frame her.
- But you would never do that.
You're studying to be a horse surgeon,
- for grass sake.
- You're damn right.
I've got to go talk to
the Cosmic Council now.
But to get to Cosmic Council Hall,
you'll have to go
through Burobu territory.
What if you run into one of
Slug Army Knife's slimy goons?
Well, maybe no one has to know it's me.
I'm gonna need picnic blankets
and plastic champagne flutes.
Yay, a picnic.
- No, it's-it's not that.
- Aww, crap.
♪
[TINA'S VOICE] Hi, hello, afternoon.
Great day to be a slug, huh? [CHUCKLES]
Whoa, where did these
horse legs come from?
- Helen Oats. It's Helen Oats!
- Damn it.
- [SQUISHING]
- Okeydokey.
[GRUNTING]
Kick. Smack. Kick. Kick.
You're gonna need to see a doctor.
Uh, a-a different doctor than me,
'cause I'm in pediatrics.
Front leg! Back legs!
Front legs! Back legs!
Feeling a bit sluggish? [CHUCKLES]
Hmm?
Kick! Smack! Kick! Smack!
Beat it, slimeball.
Roundhouse tail whip!
[SHOUTS]
[LOUISE'S VOICE] Okay, bye-bye. [SHOUTS]
[TINA'S VOICE] Hello. I
would have been here earlier,
but I was tied up.
Doesn't matter. Anything you say now
will just look like backtracking
to save your own horse hide.
Here's what's gonna happen:
you're gonna go back in there,
and you're gonna tell them everything,
or I break your tail off.
You wouldn't. You're too nice.
Try me.
[SNORTS]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow! Ow! Ow!
[LINDA] Three, two, one, blast 'em offs.
Out with the fool, and
we're keeping the cool.
Hmm.
I'm pooping.
[BOB] Gene, you don't have to tell us
every time, buddy.
[GENE] I don't have to tell you.
I'm being generous!
♪
[SCISSORS SNIPPING]
[LINDA] Ooh, cutting out that hair.
Cutting out that jacket.
Cutting out the word "inspiring"
'cause that's inspiring to me.
- [SHOUTS]
- [SHOUTS]
Mom, Gayle's spying on me again!
- [GAYLE] No, I'm not.
- You're so creepy.
Ooh. Hi, handsome guy
in a yellow tracksuit
laughing with a cute girl
I'm cutting out of the picture. Bye.
- He's my boyfriend.
- Go away!
- No!
- Get out, get out, get out.
[MUTTERING]
[SNORING]
Yes. Yes.
Yes.
[SHOUTS] Oh. Oh, God.
Damn it, Gayle!
Ma!
Huh.
Hello.
Hi, Gayle.
I brought soup.
Oh. Uh, the kids already ate,
but, uh, that looks good.
It's-it's dripping a little.
Hey, thanks for coming over to watch 'em
while we go to this
parent-teacher thing.
We usually have Tina
babysit, but we were worried
she and Louise might kill each other
if we leave them alone.
Yeah, that's a real possibility,
so good luck with that.
It's bad this time.
Please don't let it turn into
a Scarelli sisters situation.
Oh, the Scarelli sisters.
Who are the Scarelli sisters?
Seriously, Bob?
I'm sorry, I don't know who
It's these two sisters we
went to high school with.
They only hung out with each other,
and they would always
drive to school together
in the older one's green Beetle.
- The car, Bob. Not the bug.
- Yeah, Gayle, I figured.
Anyway, one day, the younger one
- took the Beetle out
- Not the band The Beatles, Bob.
No, I get it, Gayle.
She took the Beetle out
without the older one's permission,
and then crashed it into a brick wall.
Wham! There was a poster
for a Wham! concert
on the wall she crashed into.
The younger sister was fine,
but their relationship never recovered.
They stopped hanging out together,
and when the older one graduated,
she moved as far away
as possible. To Buffalo.
That's almost Canada, Bob.
And from what I've heard,
they never spoke again.
Never spoke again.
Wow. That's-that's sad.
It's awful. They're sisters.
Yeah. Linda and I would never
stop talking to each other,
even with all the crap
she's put me through.
Right. Right. Okay, we gotta go.
Uh, thanks again, Gayle.
Gayle, maybe you should
- get a towel for the
- Oh, thank you, Bob,
- but no, that's okay.
- All right.
Bye, kids! Stay out of
my room! You too, Gayle.
- I know you go in there.
- We'll see. Bye. Have fun.
And don't worry, it's all gonna be fine.
[BOTH STRAINING]
Give me back Slug Army
Knife. I know you took him!
Payback is a "B" word!
Sorry for cursing, Aunt Gayle.
Everybody calm down. Calm down!
I am in control of the situation.
Oh, my God, I'm freaking out!
I'm freaking out!
911! 911! Help! Help!
Sorry about that.
I'm fine now. So, let me tell you about
my cats, your cousins,
Mr. Business and Jean Paw'd Van Damme.
I know from the outside,
it looks like a perfect relationship,
but they actually have
an intense rivalry,
mostly based on tail girth.
Mr. Business's is thicker.
- [GENE] I knew it.
- So, when they have a fight,
what I do for them is create
a relaxing, playful, loving environment,
and soon we're all just purring together
and we can finally communicate.
Tell me, do you have
any scratching posts?
I just use the corner of the couch.
Great. Now, do you have any string?
Dental floss okay? 'Cause
we've got plenty of that
- and no plans to use it.
- That'll work.
Tina, if you harm a hair
on Slug Army Knife's head,
- so help me.
- Oh, you mean like,
I don't know, break its tail off?
- Did you?
- Maybe.
No, I didn't. But maybe I did.
I-I-I didn't. Because I
don't do stuff like that.
Uh, girls, why don't we wait
for the string, huh? Gene!
Everybody thinks you're so nice.
You're not. You called me a brat.
You think I'm a selfish brat.
That's mean. You're mean.
You're mean. You think I'm boring.
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, just the fact
that you think I watch boring
shows and I'm a boring person
and you've thought that
since the day you were born.
I'm sick of trying to
be cool enough for you.
Gene? Buddy?
- The string?
- I'm looking! I'm looking!
Face it, we're just
very different people.
Exactly. I mean, who even
knows if we'd be friends
if we weren't in the same family.
Okay, I'm just gonna start
rubbing you both behind the ears.
Maybe the best thing is just
to not talk anymore. Ever.
No. No, no, no, no.
Great idea. Gayle, quit
your tickle Stop it.
We'll just be two people
not talking to each other
that happen to live in the same house
and eat meals together
and use the same toilet.
Fine, but at different times.
Couldn't find the floss, but
I found an extension cord.
It was plugged into a lot of stuff
in Mom and Dad's room,
but I'm sure it's fine.
Ah! Oh, boy. Scarelli sisters.
Who are the Scarelli sisters?
Oh, long story.
Do you want to tell it
while you dangle this
extension cord in front of me?
Okay, sure.
[GRUNTING]
♪
[GRUNTS]
[GAYLE] Where are you?
Ooh, look at this.
[SNIFFS]
- [GENE] Uh, hi?
- Hi.
That's a good one. A
lot of Mom on that one.
I'm actually looking for something else.
[GASPS] Oh, my gosh. Here it is.
I knew she would still have it.
Whoa.
Tina? Louise?
Can you two come out here?
I want to show you something. Girls?
Please? [SIGHS]
How am I gonna get them
to come out of there?
I have a really great idea.
- [GENE] Spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- [GAYLE] Spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- Spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- Spoon, spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- We're gonna spoon, spoon ♪
- Spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
[BOTH] All night long ♪
Come out of your room ♪
'Cause you know
we're gonna spoon ♪
- Spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- Spoon, spoon, spoon ♪
- Okay, stop! Just please stop!
- Okay, make it stop!
Whoa.
- Whoa.
- [GAYLE] Yeah.
[LOUISE] It's terrifying. And glorious.
[GENE] Like my hmm-hmm.
Is that you and Mom?
Yeah, I made it when we were kids.
I took one of your mom's collages
'cause I was mad at her
for calling me creepy,
and I, uh, art-ed on it.
Why did you art on it?
Well, I guess I did it out of love.
Angry love. I was a
little obsessed with her,
but also I was annoyed with her
'cause she was annoyed with me
'cause I was a little creepy.
Back then, not now.
What did Mom say when she saw it?
Was she scared? I'm a little scared.
Well, at first she was mad
that I messed up her collage,
but then look.
She kept it all these years.
How'd you know she still had it?
'Cause I creep through
her stuff. Sometimes.
Why do you think Mom kept it?
Look at it.
It's good. Plus, she's kind of
creepily into me, too, I think.
- She is?
- Yeah, we're sisters.
It's like the person you love the most,
who you also want to kill, but you don't
'cause you love 'em so much.
But you could, and they know that
because you made a collage about it.
A different one. She
didn't keep that one.
- [GENE] Hmm.
- I guess what I'm trying to say
is being sisters can be weird,
to be so close
but sometimes feel
a million miles away from each other.
I Just try not to
drift too far, okay?
And also, brothers are great.
Eh, I mean, sure.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Crap, crap, crap.
Your parents are home.
You're supposed to be asleep.
Go to bed, go to bed.
We never spoke.
I don't know you.
♪
[LINDA] Okay, so,
since you two can't seem to get along
and, frankly, it's starting
to get on everybody's nerves,
we've converted this other
pod, Uranus Esgroundedum 2,
like we did with number 1.
From party pod to penal pod.
- Penal pod.
- And just so you know,
all the controls in there
are completely chained up.
Don't even attempt to use your
murder saw on those chains,
- they're unbreakable.
- Aah!
Anyway, three,
two, one,
blast 'em offs!
♪
♪
[STRAINING]
[STRAINING]
♪
Do you want to play ♪
Outer space? ♪
Sorry about before ♪
When I scratched your face ♪
It's the seventh time today ♪
You kicked me out of your room ♪
You're still the only one ♪
I want to take to the moon ♪
So won't you promise ♪
We'll never drift too far? ♪
Won't you promise ♪
We'll never drift too far? ♪
Won't you promise we'll
never drift too far? ♪
'Cause you're my star. ♪