Family Guy s15e08 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! And now, the Game Show Network presents, Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto? "I am oily-haired with dinner-plate eyes.
" "I was in that one movie about the weirdo.
" "I somehow look both deathly ill and ripped.
" "I am a less successful version of Tobey Maguire.
" Anyone? No? "You would totally believe any story about me being a dick.
" I'm changing the channel.
I like both of them.
Peter, did you see this? It says here that Carter Pewterschmidt has bought the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.
Now what's that? It's where you work, Peter.
Why the hell would Daddy buy the brewery? Well, there's children in the room watch your swearing But apparently, he's looking to diversify his holdings.
Wow, Dad.
I guess that means Grandpa's your new boss.
Ah, crap.
I don't want to work for him.
I'd rather work for Doctor Frankenstein.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (MUTTERS) - Igor, I did it! - Hold on.
You discovered the power to create new life, and you created a guy? So I should've made a woman so I could have sex with a corpse? I don't know, man.
You just shouldn't have made a guy.
All right, now that I'm in charge of this brewery, there's gonna be some changes around here.
For one thing, no more T-shirts or dungarees in the work place.
Dungarees are jeans! Griffin? What are you doing here? I I work here.
You do? No way! Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Effective immediately, you're the guy at the office with a weird ski tan, but you can't talk about it.
Hey, what, did you go skiing this weekend? I'm not allowed to talk about it.
(HUMMING) Dog driving a car.
(HUMMING) (SIREN CHIRPS) Aw, damn it.
Morning, Brian.
I'm afraid you ran a red light.
Your license please.
Ugh.
I swear, Joe, the light was still gray when I went through it.
Mm-hmm.
Are you aware this is expired? What? Brian, step out of the vehicle.
Wha-Wha What? What's going on? Well, the law's clear.
I have to confiscate your license, and you're gonna have to walk home.
Well, can't you at least give me a ride? No can do, amigo.
Ugh.
All right, I guess I'll just call an Uber.
(PHONE BUZZES) Are you Brian? Ah, Griffin, there you are.
I've decided that as your new boss, I'm gonna require you to have a standing desk.
Aw, but I'll look like such an ass! And that's not all.
You got to constantly tell everybody what a good idea it is, and how important it is, and how wrong they are for having traditional desks.
Can't I just work at it and mind my own business? No, you have to be a freak about it.
Maybe it can just be my own personal choice, and-and I'm not judging others for their choices.
No.
You being right means everyone else is wrong.
That's what your standing desk is saying to the chair people.
From now on, you call them "chair people.
" Oh, and three times a day you have to say, "Sitting is the biggest killer in America.
" (GROANS) Good night, Peter.
Good night, gender-transitioned co-worker we had a whole meeting about.
WOMAN: Mr.
Pewterschmidt, what you're ordering is illegal.
I don't care about that.
I want our beer cans made from the cheapest material possible.
But sir What about those metal toilets where prisoners make wine? Use those.
But sir, if word got out about this, it'd be one of the most notorious developments in beer history, second only to Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach.
Peter, are you sure you heard Mr.
Pewterschmidt correctly? He actually said he wanted cheap, toxic materials inserted into the brewery's supply stream? Well, his eyes looked different how he said it, but that was the gist.
Also, some of the brewery workers say very hurtful things if a co-worker wears shorts.
Follow the money.
Mr.
Griffin, it sounds like you've brought me an interesting story.
What should I do with it, Ollie? Make it news! Ah, you got a standing desk, too? Sitting's bad! I know.
They don't want to hear it, though.
WOMAN: Sir, there's a reporter here to see you.
Is it Kermit the Frog when he's wearing a trench coat? That tells you he's a reporter.
("DREAM WEAVER" PLAYS, SUNG IN JAPANESE) Sir, an anonymous whistleblower in the brewery says you've personally ordered the sourcing of cut-rate, potentially toxic canning materials.
God, you're gorgeous.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, I remind you, this is on the record.
You ever been with a man who's got a prostate the size of a beefsteak tomato? (KNOCKING) Oh, crap, it's Carter! I bet he's mad I told the news about him.
I'll just do what Superman does.
Oh, hey, Carter.
Hello, citizen.
Have you seen Peter? Aw, he was just here! Daddy, what's this about? Did Peter screw something up at work? No, I'm here because I've got important news.
Lois, everyone, I've left your mother, and Tricia Takanawa is moving in with me.
Holy crap! What?! I wanted you to know.
I'm in love! Well, good for you for being honest, Carter.
It's never good to keep something that matters to you a secret.
Tell her about the surf camp in Belize, Peter.
Tell her you're going.
Tell her it's your dream, and you deserve it.
Tell her it'll make you a better father.
What's that, Peter? Ah, nothing.
Just something stupid.
(ENGINE STARTS) You're leaving Babs for Tricia Takanawa?! And I've never been happier! What about Mom? Where is Mom? The sanitarium.
The sanitarium?! Yeah.
I told her I was leaving her, and she freaked out for no reason.
And I'll tell you, I don't know why they call it a "sanitarium.
" That place is a filthy hell hole.
Oh, my God! That's awful! Sorry.
What'd you say? I was texting Tricia.
She just sent me a picture of her smoothie.
"Looks good, babe.
" All right, class, let's get started.
Stewie, what are you doing? And why are you dressed like that? Because I'm your driver's ed instructor, Brian.
- You're what? - That's right.
I heard you lost your license, and I'm gonna help you get it back.
Uh okay.
Now, we've got a lot to cover.
But first, let's watch a safety video designed to terrorize you into being a responsible motorist.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) Come on, kid with a bright future.
I'll give you a no-seatbelt car ride after this teen kegger party.
I don't know.
I'm going to Harvard-Yale tomorrow.
I'd hate to lose it all because of making poor choices.
Ah, come on, man.
I just had a couple of alcohol beers.
And I'm his girlfriend 'cause he has great genitals.
And I'm impressed with reckless behavior, so I'm going to reward him with my mouth while he's driving.
Now let's smoke a marijuana cigarette while I'm speeding because of a dare.
Hey, careful.
I'd hate for you to be unresponsive to my pleasuring while you're driving because of intoxication.
BRIAN: Stewie, is this about anything but oral stuff while you're driving? STEWIE: It's about all facets of driving safety, yes.
I'm gonna fast-forward.
(SQUEAKING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS, HISSING) What a waste.
I'm a grizzled, seen-it-all veteran cop, and I'm shaking my head at the senseless waste.
Sir, we've done our police tests.
The driver was being mouth-pleased at the moment of impact.
Lois! Fat Ass! Family, I want you to meet Tricia Takanawa.
Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.
Yup, food's on the table, and if anyone needs some dirty underpants, the vending machine's right over there.
How nice.
Right where my mother's China cabinet used to be.
Lois, can I please have a dollar for the vending machine? No, Peter.
I'm getting our coats.
We're leaving.
(GIRL GIGGLING IN MACHINE) GIRL: No! Bill too crinkly! Try again! Bill too crinkly! You dollar funny! This must be so difficult for you.
It is.
There's a lot of choices here.
But I ain't talking to you.
I thought you were supposed to be doing a news story on Carter, not shacking up with him.
The truth is all I ever wanted was to some day have a family of my own.
And I realized Carter could give me all of that.
A family all your own? Yes.
A family just like this, in fact, with a fine son just like you, Peter.
A son to whom I could one day give a piece of sour plum candy.
(GASPS) Thank you, Mama Tricia! But a lazy son who does not make me proud? Peter, that son deserves no candy.
(CRYING) I swear, Mama Tricia, I'm gonna make you the proudest Tiger Mom of all! Not like how Jesus feels about his kid.
Dad, I got bullied at school! They flipped up my lunch tray! Oh, that sucks.
I wonder if that's the worst thing that ever happened to a guy? Whoa.
Whoa! Billy, this guy in this book here He's really getting the business yikes! Okay, I'm sorry.
What happened at school today? You're kind of a dick, Dad.
Huh.
I wonder if there's anyone in here whose dad was a bigger dick.
Wow! Crazy! Uh, Mom, why is Dad over there playing chess with Tricia Takanawa? Because, Chris, your idiot father thinks she's his new "Tiger Mom," and he's trying to impress her.
All right, Peter, it's time to master the game of chess.
Okay, that shouldn't be too hard.
No.
You will do it in the traditional Japanese way On a wacky game show while a beautiful woman beats your scrotum with a reed.
Ow.
I don't know which way the horse goes.
(YELLS) Why is that guy laughing at me and where is he? (BUZZER RINGS) There was a time limit? Nobody told me that.
(YELLS) Time for "Good Door, Bad Door"! Wait.
How bad is the bad door? Grandpa-san, how bad was the bad door? Not too bad.
But shortly afterwards, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator.
(BELL BUZZES) The game is still going on? (LAUGHING): You lose chess! (GASPS) Peter, another way to impress your Asian Tiger Mom is to put on this old-fashioned baseball hat and assist Indiana Jones on his next adventure.
You got it, Mama Tricia.
Okay, nice and slow, Doctor Jones.
More alcohol and pot.
Yeah, let's get you out of the tub first, Doctor Jones.
I want to fly an old plane.
I'm not sure that's a great idea.
Not a new, safe one.
Uh, yeah, yeah, I got that.
(SHRIEKS) There's a skeleton in my bedroom.
That's your wife, Doctor Jones.
Now maybe today we don't do the earring? No.
Earring every day.
All right, Brian, let's begin.
Great, let's do it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Stop! Demerit! - (TIRES SQUEAL) What the hell? Where are your hands, Brian? Uh on the steering wheel? Ten and two.
All right, commence.
IPDE, Brian, IPDE.
What? IPDE Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute.
You've got to constantly be IPDE-ing everything in your target zone.
I-I-I-I don't, I don't know what you're saying.
IPDE: "Identify.
Predict" Yeah, you said that.
- But it doesn't mean anyth - IPDE that.
- Uh it's a child with a ball.
- Very good.
Identified.
Now predict.
- Predict what? - IPDE.
Yeah, you keep saying that like it's a word.
Those four letters don't make a word.
It-it's not helping me remember anything.
Well, now you've got an oncoming vehicle.
Pay attention to your four-to-six second zone.
What? What is that? Fo-four-to-six second? IPDE the car, Brian.
IPDE the car! What does that mean? Now, check your gauges with one eye while keeping your other eye on the road.
My eyes go in the same direction.
What's your tire pressure? I-I can't I don't I-I'm in the car.
Stop! Demerit! (TIRES SQUEAL) Stewie, I know how to drive.
I've been driving for years.
(HORN HONKING) Ever hear of IPDE, jackass? (CRICKETS CHIRPING) I had a great day with the fat son.
He's started to respond positively to the caning of his buttocks and knuckles.
Speaking of buttocks and knuckles, let's fool around.
Mmm, sounds good.
I wonder if I can tell you one of my deepest sexual fantasies? All right.
Let me just burp through my nose for a second, I've been drinking seltzer.
(BURPS) Okay, what do you got? Well, you're going to think this is silly, but I love it when a man confesses to manufacturing improprieties.
Oh, yeah? Well, then, you're gonna love this.
I ordered the brewery to start making beer cans out of toxic, unsafe metal, just to save a few bucks.
Exactly what I wanted to hear.
Thank you, Carter.
And there you have it, Channel Five News audience.
This has been Tricia Takanawa, with my undercover exposé of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.
Up next is Papa John dyeing his eyebrows? I sleep with him to find out, though I'm fairly confident the answer is yes.
And we're clear.
What-What's going on? I finished my investigation.
But I don't understand.
I I thought we were in love.
I only let you think that.
I'm sorry.
It's time for me to go.
Chris? Hi, Grandpa.
I got an internship.
You mean, you've been working for Tricia? Hang on, I got to get 20 seconds of room tone.
What's room tone? Oh, we got to start again.
I miss her so much, Griffin.
Of all the women I've institutionalized Babs over, she's the one who meant the most to me.
I know.
It's like, one day she's my Tiger Mom, and the next day she isn't, and the day before that first day, she also wasn't.
But the point is she hurt us, Carter.
We got to get her back.
We need revenge.
(TV NEWS OPENING MUSIC PLAYS) Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up next, Nicki Minaj is a bear? But first, congratulations to our very own Tricia Takanawa.
That's right, Tom.
Tricia's recent exposé on the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery has been nominated for a local Emmy.
Mm, the "local" really hurts that.
That's it, Griffin.
That's how we'll get our revenge.
You and I will go to the local Emmys, and we'll embarrass Tricia on her big night in front of all her peers.
That's a great idea! 'Cause people need to know that she's an even bigger fraud than Robert Baden Powell, the founder of the Boy Scouts.
Ma'am, I'd like to take your son into the woods.
What? That sounds suspicious.
Well, what if I said we'd both be wearing shorts and neckerchiefs, and I'd give him little patches for doing what I say? So? How'd we do? Did you pass your driver's test? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
You brought up IPDE? As a matter of fact, I did.
He was impressed? No, he had no idea what I was talking about.
He tried to Google it on his phone and ended up spilling hot coffee on his balls.
I took him to the ER and he said he'd pass me if I picked him up in an hour.
So it did work.
Well, congratulations, you're getting your license back! I know, it's great.
Now I'll be able to go to those dog parties again.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CROWD CONVERSATIONS) There's Tricia.
Sweet.
What's our plan?? We put this in her drink.
It'll make her instantly "triple" herself.
Tripling is when you vomit, defecate, and orgasm, all at the same time.
Wha I-I don't Why would that medicine even exist? Cosby.
Now all we need is a distraction so we can spike her cocktail.
Aha.
You leave that to me.
I know something that might distract all these news people.
Maybe if one of us just chuckles for no apparent reason, everyone else will start chuckling.
Worth a shot.
(CHUCKLES) (BOTH CHUCKLING) (CROWD CHUCKLING) All right, they're all news chuckling! Go, go, go! (CHUCKLING) Okay.
All Tricia's got to do now is take one sip and she'll blow it out of all three holes, right here in front of everyone.
And that will make us feel better about our life choices.
Hello, Mother.
I'm so happy you could be here tonight.
Why happy? You no work for Channel Ten, just Channel Five.
Only half as good.
Mother, please, I-I'm being honored tonight.
What honor? Connie Chung marry Maury Povich, form media super team.
Where your Povich? You have no Povich.
Wow.
Tricia's mom is really coming down hard on her.
Yeah, and with really outdated references.
You know, it's no wonder Mama Trish was so tough on me.
It's the only thing she knows.
And where grandchildren? Who take care of me when I 121 years old? Who take care of Irene? No one.
No one take care of Irene.
I guess her name is Irene.
Carter, I-I'm starting to feel bad for Tricia.
Maybe what she did to us was wrong, but sheesh, look what her own life has been like.
I-I don't, I don't think I can do this.
Well, this stuff's already in her drink.
(IN SLOW MOTION): Mama Tricia! No! (SWALLOWING) Where'd you get these? Oh, I see the guy.
You're a weird guy, Griffin.
Eh, I don't know.
You know, I just been thinking, the way you and me fell so fast for this lady, and for no reason? Maybe the problem ain't Tricia, you know? Maybe it's us.
What do you mean? Well, with my real mom gone, I-I guess maybe I just needed someone in my life to fill that role.
Someone who loves me enough to call me fat and lazy and stupid.
Hmm, maybe you're right.
And maybe I was just looking for a way to feel young again.
Hey, Carter? We're gonna be okay.
(GROANING) (FARTING) Ah, crap.
This thing was a rental.
Here's your tux back, bye! Well, I'm just glad all this nonsense with Tricia Takanawa is over.
Hey, what ever happened with Grandma? Yeah, that's what everybody was thinking about, Meg.
Trust me, she'll come back if we need her.
Hey, Stewie, seriously, thanks for everything you did to help me get my license back.
My pleasure.
But now you owe me.
That means one day, I'm gonna come to you and ask for a favor.
But I need to know something.
I need to know that you're gonna say yes when that day comes.
Uh, o-okay.
Can we go for ice cream? (DOOR CLOSES) Come on!