Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e08 Episode Script

GOSSIPING Buy from the gypsy, ladies.
Ah, just the man! Yes No, you had to dash away yesterday before I finished my war story.
You're in luck.
You can catch up now.
I can't stop.
My wife's in hospital.
Ah, there you are then! It's fate! You'll have to visit her.
You won't know what to talk about, and now you can tell my war story.
How far had I got? Had I strangled the sentry? No, just a m Buy from the lucky gypsy, sir.
Have a lifetime of good fortune.
How do you mean a lifetime? I'm not paying for a lifetime at my age! Forty minutes? Ooh, that's a long time for an insurance man! And her husband hardly dead yet.
His photo's still on the piano! And there she is entertaining insurance men.
Buy something from the gypsy? Buy something from the gypsy? Lucky charms If you live decent, why do you need them? What else? Pretty ribbons.
Just what we need at our age (!) What a hard lot! A cup of tea for the gypsy? Certainly! Have you got 30p? Buy something from the gypsy, lady? Ooh, you wouldn't take advantage of an old lady? You can trust the lucky gypsy.
Ooh, pretty ribbons and other rubbish.
Buy a lucky charm and have good fortune for life.
Oh, just what I've been looking for, good fortune for life.
Come in.
We don't have to do business out here in the street.
Bad as that, eh? I'm depressed, Norm.
Have you tried suicide? Can't afford it.
Why sit on Nora's steps? That's the kind of place anyone would be depressed in! I suppose it's for sentimental reasons, really.
It's a sort of pilgrimage.
I get depressed so I come out here and sit on Nora Batty's steps.
What are you depressed about? I'm depressed because I don't seem to be getting any further with Nora than sitting on her steps! What sort of a romance is that, coming out here once a fortnight and sitting on her steps? Sounds quite exciting enough for me.
Why do I need garden furniture? I live in a caravan! You'll be the envy of your neighbours.
You didn't buy any ribbons.
What do I need with ribbons? I don't need this! My fella'll kill me! Not when he hears the price, when he realises you robbed some old lady.
He's very quiet this morning! He's depressed.
The success he's made of his life, he ought to be! I've enjoyed my life.
Looks like it.
But lately I've been wondering if my sexual magnetism might be fading.
Oh, it is.
I can assure you it is.
Oh, grief! Don't tell me I'm past me sexual peak! I don't recall ever reaching mine.
I must've been out.
Well, being a trained killer, your life has to be monastic.
You can't be a lethal weapon and be forever choosing curtains with the little woman! Norm, does tha think my magnetism could be slipping? Don't ask me.
I was a total failure at romance.
But you were married! That's what did it.
MARINA: Can't you give me a hint, Howard? HOWARD: No, love.
I want it to be a surprise.
MARINA: A girl likes an occasional surprise, but usually it's a little present, or something she can slip into her bag, not all this stuff! I think you'll like it when it's finished.
Also, it's a very good disguise.
If anybody sees us, they'll just think we're two people carrying a load of wood.
That is probably because we ARE two people carrying a load of wood, Howard! Together, love.
Carrying wood together! WOMAN SCREAMS, FOLLOWED BY A SLAP Out! It is.
It's slipping.
It's slipped! She could be right.
There's not much left, is there, when tha's no longer attractive to women? There's golf.
When were you attractive to women? It's not something tha'd understand.
As far as I can remember, you've always been scruffy and horrible.
But sexy with it, son.
SEXY ! Maybe you're losing your nerve.
If you keep thinking that you've lost your sexual magnetism, then you're going to lose your That's true.
Mind over matter.
I've got to think positive, Norm.
You shouldn't lead him on.
Oh, he needs cheering up.
Where are you going? I'm going to wait for Nora coming back from the shops, psyche meself up, then give her the full blast of my sexual magnetism! I've just lost confidence in meself, that's all.
I'll psyche meself up.
It's mind over matter.
If tha thinks tha's going to be dynamite with the lassies, tha will be! I am going to go out there and I am going to overwhelm her.
This should be good.
Whatever's the matter with you? Have you got something in your eye? A twitch.
He's got a twitch! You drink too much! Keep away! Whatever you've got, I don't want it.
Are you contagious? Here's lookin' at you, kid! Well, of course you're looking at me! I'm right in front of you! Whatever is the matter with you? Are your eyes going funny? Doesn't tha feel anything? Like what? Attraction.
Physical attraction! Don't fight it, love! Face it.
Get down to basics.
Let's be gone, be gone with all this pretence! Tha's a man and I'm a woman Forget that! Tha's a woman and I'm a man.
Look at me when I'm making love to thee! Nora, tell me, TELL me, what does tha see? I see you've got another hole in them trousers.
It's gone, in't it? This frightening power I used to have over women.
There I am, standing eyeball to eyeball with Nora Batty, giving her the full power, and what happens? Nothing.
No, it's gone.
I've blown me gasket.
Will you stop drivelling? How am I going to cope? Me, who used to be the raging stud! Now it's gone.
The sort of women you used to get, you're better off without.
They were all tattooed.
Only here and there! Oh, cheer up.
Life's easier once the fire in the blood dies down.
When did yours die down? Well, I must've been nearly 23.
It's not natural.
Ah, but I was married.
I mean, what do you need with fire in the blood once you get married? Didn't you do anything sort of physical together? Well, we used to wallpaper a lot.
He's hopeless! I had to make a decision.
I had to choose.
Did I want a love-life or did I want to steel myself into becoming a lethal weapon? Muffed it on both counts! There you are.
But, Duane, it's practically new garden furniture! You were supposed to be selling not buying! I was! So why did you buy this? Well, it were a bargain, Duane.
Who said so? Thispoor old lady.
How much was it, then? I've got the receipt here.
Imagine life without women.
Oh, don't start all that again! What would I do for entertainment? Good grief, man, you've got the whole wide world to choose from! I mean, some useful hobby.
BLOWS RASPBERRY Healthy exercise.
ANOTHER RASPBERRY Enter a monastery.
Open your eyes to the natural world.
Look at the scenery, listen to the birds.
Come on, then.
What birds? I can't hear any birds.
Well, you will if you listen! TAPPING ON WOOD Woodpecker.
Greater Spotted Woodpecker.
Follow me.
Supposing she won't take it back? You don't take no for an answer.
That's what selling's all about.
You said she's an old lady.
Aye.
Well, if you can't take advantage of an old lady, who can you take advantage of? Get the table.
TAPPING CONTINUES It's definitely a woodpecker.
It's pretty loud for a woodpecker! Listen It's in the trees! If it's a woodpecker, it's not going to be down a rabbit hole, is it (?) If that's a woodpecker, I'm not going anywhere near.
It's going to be the size of a jumbo jet! Maybe that's it.
We've discovered a rare giant woodpecker.
Infrequent visitor to the British Isles.
This needs maximum security.
Once word gets out, we'll get coachloads of birdwatchers! If this is a scientific discovery, it needs handling carefully with military precision.
TAP O-OW ! You were right.
It WAS a good price.
Helluva good price.
You had to go for it at that money! It would've been stupid.
One thing I'm not is stupid.
That's what life's about.
Knowing when you're on to something good.
TAPPING IS CLOSER Now, take your lead from me.
Don't snap a twig.
Absolute quiet.
Now, when we get closer, I shall stop issuing verbal orders and switch to hand signals.
How about this for a hand signal? It's interesting getting your knees damp like this.
Only a BIT damp! You're talking to somebody who had his vest aired thoroughly! How long has tha worn tha vest on tha knees? It's the principle! Mother was very airing-cupboard conscious.
Ssh, you'll frighten it away! Well, if it's as big as it sounds, I want to frighten it away! Sounds like two to me.
Two? That's wonderful! A nesting pair! Is it safe, Howard? It's stronger than it looks! There was a gentleman in Wilton Street like that.
But did he build you a house? No-one's ever built me a house.
Up a tree.
We can meet up here, away from prying eyes! But are you sure it's safe? I wouldn't bring you anywhere where you weren't safe, love.
Wellyou needn't go as far as that.
Oh Our own tree-house! Oh, Howard, you Tarzan, me Jane.
A nesting pair, Wesley, and we're the first to find them.
What do you want me to do? Drive the tour bus.
What tour bus? Improvise! We're going to run trips.
We'll want cameras and binoculars.
What sort of nesting pair? Very rare.
They're not in the field guide.
It's an important discovery.
I warn you.
It makes your knees damp.
Not in the tour bus.
Just a minute.
We can't turn up in an old ambulance.
We'll scare 'em off.
That's true.
Yeah, we shall have to crawl the last few yards.
I told you.
It makes your knees damp.
They buried him last week.
^ It was the week he always used to go to Blackpool.
- I know people want a change - But there must be easier ways of avoiding going to Blackpool! What did he die of? The newspaper just said he died suddenly.
What a shock for her.
It's the first time he ever did anything suddenly! Didn't he collect Toby-jugs? Foreign stamps! I knew it was something like that.
Him next door to me collects ferrets! Ooh, that's not very hygienic.
I expect they've got used to him.
- Just recently, mine started collecting wood.
- Whatever for? He says they might come in handy.
Your father collects nuts and bolts.
He says they'll be useful.
You see, they all say that.
But they never DO anything useful! My Barry's learning French.
SPLUTTERING Well, that wants stopping for a start! Oh, Mother! It's better than the language he's learned next door to me.
- It's better than bits of wood.
- I saw France once.
We went to Dover.
It was a very clear day.
That's France, they said.
I felt I ought to feel more excited, but I didn't.
Mind you, his mother was recovering from a very nasty operation.
Ohh.
VAN PULLS UP AND SOUNDS HORN It's me father and Mr Dewhirst.
Nature tours? If they think we're going in that, they've got another think coming! What's he talking about? Giant woodpecker! Just be glad it's not ferrets! I telled thee.
Tha saw how she looked at me.
I've definitely got a hole in my hormone layer! You've got holes in more than that! Maybe it's only temporary.
It'd better be.
I couldn't stand not being irresistible to women! Well, you've still got your ferrets.
I mean, how does a bloke get the most out of his twilight years? I believe in a mug of cocoa last thing at night.
Can I have your attention, please? Attention, please.
Thank you.
Now, ladies, this is a rare visitor and a very shy creature.
When we get near to it, you will remember that we have to have absolute quiet.
Who's going to keep HIM quiet? I shall instruct you all briefly in the art of silent moving, as practised in the jungles of Burma.
VEHICLE APPROACHES STOP ! Stop the bus! Now what? Has tha any lucky charms? Why did you do that? I need all the 'elp I can get.
Right, Wesley, just go and park it down there.
We'll be back in a little while.
Well, go on, over you go.
What a great trip (!) It's cost me a fortune in lucky charms, and now I'm ploughing through nettles! And nobody looks better ploughing through nettles.
Ohh! I wouldn't have minded a lucky charm.
They sold me a ribbon! Will you keep your voices down? We're nearly there! If you listen carefully, ladies, we may soon hear something.
YOU'll soon hear something if you've brought us all this way for nothing! I've laddered my good stockings! Lucky charms are working already.
I wish my Barry was here.
He's very fond of wildlife.
It's to be hoped they never hear about it at the building society.
Does tha think it'll work, Norm, me lucky charm? Don't ask me.
I've got a ribbon.
I think I can hear something.
Where is it? Quiet, please, ladies! Now listen SILENCE - Oh, Marina! - Oh, Howard! Oh, yes? I expect you're wondering what I'm doing up a tree with a young lady.
Oh, that brings back memories, eh? Who's got me in a friendly grasp? Hey up, it's Nora Batty.
Me lucky charm, it's beginning to work, Norm! Oh, get off, will you? Wait a minute THIS way.