South Park s15e08 Episode Script

That's real funny.
Big Hairy and Mike in the morning talking about the new hit movie It's a great comedy, it's starring and I saw the movie last night, Big Hairy, it made me laugh so hard.
This movie is about a and suddenly all like Oh man, it's great.
Big Hairy and Mike in the morning.
We'll talk more about it, but let's get to music.
The new Twin Wave band with their song Coming this fall to FOX/CBS/FX, Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show.
Dinosaurs.
Lost humans.
Future, yeah.
Stanley, eat your waffles.
Shut up Cartman, you don't even know what you're talking about.
I saw it on the news, Kyle.
The school is going to make us all get shots again.
But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vagina.
That's only a vaccination girls, stupid.
Why are they saying that getting vaccinated in school is gonna make us all retarded? Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's.
- Wait, what? - That's what they're talking about on the news.
Wait, there's a disease called ass burgers? You are so lying, there is no disease called fucking ass burgers.
You wanna bet? Let's go ask my dad, right now.
Ok.
And so, children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations and boys will head on out to recess.
Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina? No, butters, that's not how it works.
Mr.
Garrison.
These three boys were caught playing hooky.
Did you guys know there's actually a disease called ass burgers? Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later.
Right now, we're talking about vaginal warts.
This isn't fair, how do the school make us get vaccinated? You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole? - That's right, it's a butt fungus.
- I don't want burgers coming out of my butt.
God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! M'kay, stan, you got to try to pull yourself out of this.
M'kay? I know that your parents recently got divorced.
M'kay? That's got to be hard.
I know that, that's bail.
When you walk around all mope, m'kay? Saying everything is just shitty, well that's called being a Debbie Downer, Stan.
And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay? I mean you got the snap out of it, Debbie.
Come on Deb, you're even bumming me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just sucks.
I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
Okay, well that's not gonna happen, Debbie.
Okay, you know life has to change, okay? How? When all the things that made you laugh just make you sick, how do you go on when nothing makes you happy? Excuse me a minute, Stan, m'kay? Hi, Miss Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan Marsh for the flu last year? We did? I think he's got Asperger's.
This is Breaking News from CNN.
Or fox or whatever, fuck you.
The first documented case of a child developing Asperger's syndrome from school vaccination has put the government in a tight spot.
At a press conference today, the media heard from the young boy's Father, Steamie Ray vaughan.
It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent.
An then the government comes along with one shot turns your child into a mentally incapacitated freak! I mean, look at him.
He's disinterested, depressed, self loathing it's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced.
In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed Stan's bill.
Putting an end, to mandated school vaccinations.
Mr.
President, the bill's ready.
Just sign right here, Mr.
President.
And if you could just sign this one as well, Mr.
President.
It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted the Asperger's from the vaccinations.
But if so, multimillion dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind.
Turn on your heart light, let it shine wherever you go, they make us happy living.
Eric, what is it this time? Fever, lightheadedness.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
- You don't feel warm.
- Oh, that's a relief.
I thought maybe I had a fever but Oh my buns, there's a sharp pain in my buns.
- Can you lay on your stomach? - I'll try.
What is this? A hamburger? A what? Why are there hamburgers in your underwear? Are you serious? How can there be God, you're saying I have ass burgers? This doesn't make sense.
Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something? What are you talking about? I got vaccinated from this school, and I clearly have ass burgers.
Very funny.
I'm glad you think ass burgers is funny.
- Just know my condition on your record there.
- Get out of my office.
Hey Kyle, have you heard anything at all from Stan? I've tried, Wendy.
I've called him, I've been to his house, but since his diagnosis all he's done has gotten worse.
I don't know what to do, it's like he's completely turned off.
Those two should just screw and get it over with.
Yeah.
I can't keep doing it, Wendy.
I know he has an illness but goddamn it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything.
Look, maybe what we should do is go over to his house together - That way we could - No, I can't, Wendy.
All his negativity is starting to make me depressed.
I have to let him go.
And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally positive attitude.
Goddamn stupid school nurse, heartless bitch.
What's the matter, dude? I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing, that's what's the matter.
You made hamburgers? That's awesome.
I'd love one.
This is really good, Cartman.
- Really? - Yeah.
Try this hamburger, Cartman made them himself.
Wow, what is that? Seriously Cartman, you could make money with these.
Jeez, thanks, Kyle.
The truth is we still know very little about Asperger's syndrome, Mrs.
Marsh.
All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits.
- Good morning, Mr.
Mathers.
- Goodbye, doctor.
It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not.
We've got a new patient, Mark, now I want you to meet Stan.
Nice to meet you.
Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness.
Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because Its of name people think it's a disease to be made fun of.
All right, everyone, let's have a seat.
We'll be done at about 5:00 P.
M.
, Msrs.
Marsh, - I'll call if it's any earlier.
- Oh, right.
Goodbye Stan, I love you.
- All right, are we clear? - We're clear.
Watch that window pop.
Everyone make sure this room isn't bugged.
All right Stan, listen up, we don't have a lot of time.
You've been told Asperger's is real, it isn't.
It's just a front we use to stay hidden.
- Wait, it's not a real illness? - Of course not.
If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's, that's just me.
There's a big war going on out there, Stan.
And we want to you join our fight to bring it all down.
No, no, no.
We're not doing this.
You've broken through their reality and they don't like it.
Others deserve to know the truth.
You see everything as shit, don't you? Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music all you see and hear is shit.
Am I right? Yeah.
So do we.
All of us here.
We know the truth, too.
We found a way to make it stop, Stan.
Now are you interested? Or not? Next order, please.
Get your Cartman Burgers here.
Fresh and flavorful.
I just can't believe how yummy these are.
There you go, Mary.
Turn it back and shake.
- How are we doing those patties? - About three minutes, fat ass.
Nice.
We're out of finished burgers again, Eric.
We need more.
It's alright, I think another batch is just finishing off in our top secret flavor enhancer.
Dude, come on, Cartman.
As employees don't you think we can see what the secret Favor enhancer is? I'm sorry Kyle but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be be everywhere.
And we'll have to go back to school.
Now, let me get those hamburgers.
All right, these are good to go.
- All right, is he ready to be sent in? - He's ready.
Beta levels are normal.
Who are you people? We're the secret society of cynics.
Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you that you're seeing the world the way it actually is.
The world around us has all completely turned to shit, but aliens are putting out a brain wave that keeps most people seeing a false reality.
- Aliens? - Or robots from the future, whatever.
The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance.
Yeah, everything used to be awesome and cool but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us.
Yeah.
Because of aliens? Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you.
All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down.
They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you.
Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Let's send him in.
Drink this.
Oh, cool.
Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino.
I think Al Pacino wants to play twister with your sister.
Adam Sandler is funny.
Hey Kyle, you have a visitor.
- Stan? - Kyle! Hey, Stan.
Dude, I'm sorry.
I've been a shitty friend, I miss my buddy.
You were right, Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical.
- Stan, are you all right? - Yeah dude, I totally get it now.
I can see out lame I was saying everything was shit.
Really? Stan, that's great.
Kyle, it's all shit! For real.
Everything is shit because of aliens with AI, and you and me are gonna fuck it all.
Come on! Dude, have you been drinking.
You're not listening to me Kyle.
Dude we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal.
It's too late for that.
Things just can't go back, Stan.
I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Dude, Cartman Burger, seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept.
See, there you go again.
Look at you dude, look what you become.
- Everything's all right here, Kyle? - Yeah, fine.
We're gonna need some patties pretty soon.
- Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Come on, Kyle.
- This is about you and me, remember.
- Look dude, things around here have changed.
Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Fuck you, Kyle.
You're a piece of shit.
Kyle, I love you.
You are a piece of shit, though, fuck you.
I love you.
Big harry and mike in the morning in case you didn't catch last night's episode of - We're breaking it down.
- Oh, Big Hairy, with a Oh, no, no, no.
How about we He's back.
- Did you see the illusionary world again? - How did it feel to be back in the matrix? You feel like total shit.
It's okay, that's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.
Try to focus, Stan.
We've found them.
We know where the rock creatures are now.
The rock creatures? Aliens or AI things, whatever, fuck you.
Dude, I can't I can't do any He's gonna pop! Come on kid, wake up, there's not a lot of time left.
You're pushing him too hard.
Oh, God.
Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion.
We're send you back in.
We all know why we are here.
There is a rebellion in our midst, and it must be squashed out.
We have to put an end to Cartman Burgers.
- Yes! - Let's go! At KFC, we've seen a 50% drop in sales.
It's worst at Pizza Hut, Cartman Burgers choked out the market.
What makes them so good? Whatever reason is, Cartman Burgers satisfied taste craving for all of our restaurants.
Realize the secret, it's a chemical compound of all our flavors.
Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC all somehow infused into one burger.
It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredient of our food.
Breaking them down in to some kind of gas, and then somehow infusing that gas into his hamburger.
What kind of instrument can he be using to do this? They would have to be some kind of super Dutch oven.
But a dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen.
Hey! Wake up.
Come on, can wake up.
Use the smelling sauce.
Enchirito? You know the secret? What? You guys are aliens? Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste? Dude, I don't know! He's lying.
You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend.
I'm not friends with him.
They have been through everything together, inseparable.
No, no, we don't hang on anymore.
All right.
Like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that.
Dude, I didn't walk away.
I turned ten and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me so I Oh, sure.
Anyone would dish out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good.
Now, stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers are so delicious.
I don't know.
All right.
I guess we'll have to do this the hard way.
There's ten mediums and five medium rares.
All right, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer.
Next, please.
Kyle, you gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.
- What are you doing? - How do you guys make them so yummy? I don't know.
You better get him to tell you or you're going to get shot in the back of the head.
You get that? Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.
Why? So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times? No, because there's aliens with a sniper chicken on me.
Oh, God.
Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I'm sorry.
But your negativity is poison to me.
All right.
Like a friend would walk out on somebody who's diagnosed with a serious illness.
Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out.
- But it's not my fault.
- You said fuck you to my face, Stan.
Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying.
Yeah, right.
Like any friend would say something that severe then try to take it back.
All right, look, I honestly don't know the secret, dude.
Only Cartman does and that's how it's gonna work for us.
God, dammit, this is getting us nowhere.
Everyone get back.
You want to play hard ball, that's fine.
Let's see this mighty machine once and for all.
You vampire sons of bitches! All right, nice work, Stan.
Now comes the final step.
You have to take out duck president.
Just stop it.
You people are so full of shit.
Looks like the serum is clearing off.
You better take some more.
No, I'm done with that.
But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was.
I don't want everything to go back to the way it was.
I don't.
You were right, Kyle.
Sometimes the only way to go forward is to take a big left turn.
I've been resisting it but I'm ready now.
I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude.
It's okay.
You're gonna do this, and I'm gonna to do my thing and my mom and dad aren't getting back together.
You know what? It's okay.
In fact, it's better.
Change is gonna bring new things for all of us.
Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That will be cool to see.
It opens me up to whole new adventures, exploring new relationships with all new people in town.
Maybe this kid will become my new best friend.
Or maybe this kid will.
Maybe it won't be like before, but at least it'll all be new.
And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going.
For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited.
Stan! Stan! Get in the car, Stan.
Your mom and I are moving back in together.
- What? - We worked it out, pal, surprise! No, dad, no.
No, please.
We talked a lot and we know it's what's best for you kids.
And, I don't know.
No, mom, sometimes you gotta left turn.
People get older, Stanley.
And as you get older you realize the best thing to do is just stick with what you know.
You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman? Big Hairy and Mike in the morning, talking about "Two and A Half Men" I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike.
And what about that movie "Dolphin Tale", I'm psyched for that.
It's Big Hairy and Mike in the morning.
Let's hear one from the band Sladjammer and their song Dude, we're going to see the new Zookeeper movie.
Zookeeper 2, Zoo Creepier! Okay, coming.