Bob's Burgers s15e09 Episode Script

1
[GENE] Presents! ♪
Plop some presents
in our little faces. ♪
I'm too jacked up to go to sleep.
I love Christmas!
Do you actually think we're
gonna get the Gamewhiz?
Well, the Gamewhiz is the nicest,
most expensive thing
we've ever asked for.
Yeah, but that's why
we all asked for it.
Three kids, one gift.
We're almost doing them a favor.
I wish we could've asked Santa
for it instead of Mom and Dad.
I think he's in a much
higher tax bracket than them.
Oh, way higher.
But we did some
naughty-list stuff, so
- Yeah. - Yeah
- All of us.
Three different detentions.
That was bad timing.
The juice is loose!
Bah-dah-duh-dah-dah,
dap-pah-duh-duh-duh. ♪
Ugh! Oops. Uh, hi.
Santa doesn't give expensive,
hand-held gaming systems
to three kids who got three detentions
three weeks before Christmas.
Yeah, but I think we made
a pretty good argument
for the Gamewhiz to Mom and Dad.
It's like holding an entire
arcade in the palm of your hand!
In the palm of your hand!
There's a cowboy game where
you can just brush your horse
for as long as you want.
And rob trains if that's your thing.
[LOUISE] Here's a list of
stores in a ten-mile radius
that sell Gamewhiz.
[GENE] Keep up the good
work in there, Daddy boy!
Okay, let's force
ourselves to go to sleep.
We need to rest our thumbs.
Yeah, we do. Okay, little guys.
Five more minutes, then it's off to bed.
And a partridge in a Game ♪
[HIGH-PITCHED] Whiz! ♪
[LOUISE] Open it! Come on, open it!
That was the last
present. We didn't get it.
We didn't get it.
We didn't ding-dang damn get it.
Oh, they look not happy.
It's like all the light
just left their eyes.
They're looking. Pretend they didn't
totally disappoint us
in every way. Smile.
- Smiling. ♪
- Family. ♪
Oh! We got chocolate! Almost forgot.
Hey, never too early
for chocolate, right?
I know that's true.
Aah, aah! Dark chocolate?!
Blah! Blah!
It's taking all the
moisture out of my mouth!
But thank you!
Oh, Sorry. I-I didn't
mean to buy dark chocolate.
I know kids don't like that.
I just thought it was fancy.
I mean, it is fancy chocolate.
Look, there's cursive on the wrapper.
Uh, very fancy! Like in London.
Hey, why don't you kids play
with the fun game we got you?
For sure. Um, which one is that?
The Color-tron of course. Silly.
We know it's not a Gamewhiz,
but it's, um, got colors.
You like colors.
Oh, yeah, totally.
Uh, let's check it out.
Your dad and I both had
it when we were kids.
Uh, separately. We weren't
married when we were kids.
- Aw, but we should have been.
- What?
[MUSICAL TONES SOUNDING]
- Okay, Okay. Do it! Do it!
- Do what?
Uh, y-you press the
buttons in the same order
that they go with the color.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, you're serious.
Gene, you want to get in on this?
Where's the screen?
Well, there's no screen.
Not all games have screens.
Not with that attitude.
[MUSICAL BUZZING TONE]
[MUSICAL TONES SOUNDING]
I feel like I'm hogging
it all to myself.
So, what-what do you do?
Oh, uh, you-you press the buttons
in the same order that they, uh, um
Yeah. Yeah, you-you try to
remember the-the sequence
of the lights.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah, it's fun.
[MUSICAL TONE PLAYS]
I'm gonna go get more coffee.
You want you want more coffee?
- No, I'll-I'll come with you.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I'll take one.
- Pour some whiskey in mine.
- I'd have an amaro.
Oh, my God! They're miserable.
Well, not miserable,
but, yeah, dead inside.
The Color-tron stinks.
Why did we think they'd like that?
Glad we didn't get 'em the Hula-Hoop.
They knew they weren't
getting the Gamewhiz, right?
I mean, we dropped so many hints.
Kids, I-I'm-I'm not sure this
is the best year for that.
You know, we had some surprise
things that, um, cost money.
Are there other things
you kids are excited about
that are not very, very expensive?
I'm sorry, kids, but
it's just gonna be hard
to make that happen.
I think we forgot our
children don't listen to us.
Like, at all. I mean, so
much stuff broke this month.
The car, the walk-in, your glasses.
All that stuff I broke when
I didn't have my glasses.
[SIGHS] I should've been a banker.
We should have both been bankers.
Bankers can afford to fix
things and still buy a Gamewhiz.
Aw, sweetie, you'd be
miserable as a banker.
'Cause you'd be really bad at it.
Yeah, I would, but I like lollipops.
Banks do have good lollipops.
Presents ♪
Plop some presents into ♪
Our sad little faces ♪
Sad little faces ♪
Ah ♪
[SIGHS] We should go do something.
- Like what?
- I don't know.
This Christmas just needs a little
kick in the chestnuts.
-[GASPS] I know what we should do!
-What?
We should go to Brookside Drive,
that street with the houses with
all the nice Christmas lights.
People drive down the street
just to see the lights,
and they go "Aw," and they
feel happy and Christmasy.
You really want to get in
the car and go someplace?
Yeah! It's our last chance
for a little Christmas magic.
All of us together, in the car.
Looking at the lights.
And the kids will forget
all about their crappy gifts
and how their dreams were crushed.
Well, that is free,
if you don't count gas.
So, yeah, let's-let's do it.
There's my cheery little
cheapskate. All right!
Let's go put some tinsel on this turd.
[CAR ENGINE SPUTTERS]
Oh, come on. We fixed you already!
- Why won't you start?!
- Tell it, Dad.
[SIGHS] I guess we'll have
to call the mechanic tomorrow.
I hope you're happy with yourself, car.
Yeah, you're in big
trouble! No gas for a week!
[LOUISE] Well, we almost did a thing.
Should we just call it a day
and try life again tomorrow?
Hiya, Belchers!
Happy holidays!
Whoa, you all look very sad.
Hey, Mort. Our car won't start.
We were gonna go to Brookside
Drive to see the lights.
Well, I'm taking my Mom out for
Chinese right now, but I mean,
you guys can borrow my
work car if you want.
Really? Wow. Thanks.
That's nice, Mort.
Or we go with you and Mother Mort
and get all up in some beef chow mein?
Eh. [LAUGHS]
Wait. Your work car?
The one where all the dead people go?
I call not sitting with the body.
There's no body in it now.
If we find one on the way,
should we throw it in there?
Yeah. Get me a good one. Take the keys.
Oops! Sorry. In my head, you caught them
and said, "Great throw, Mort."
Do you want me to get out now and
No, it-it's all right. Thank you.
- You, uh, okay, Lin?
- I-I'm good.
I'm good. Uh, so what if this
car drives around dead people?
What's the big deal about dead people?
They're just sacks of
skin without souls, right?
That's not scary.
I like driving this.
It's like a boat. Look.
[ALL GROANING]
[LINDA] Okay, okay!
No more! No more. I'm
getting a little queasy.
[MAKES RETCHING SOUND]
No vomiting in the hearse.
Aw, lights.
Bob, I think people are staring at us.
[TINA] Maybe 'cause we're in a hearse?
[BOB] Yeah. People
are really staring us.
Did someone die? On Christmas?
Hi. Sorry about the hearse.
It's just my family in here.
Uh, alive! They're, uh, totally alive.
They're right here.
See? I didn't kill them.
- Mer-Merry Christmas!
- Well, I'll-I'll handle this.
Hey, bring us your bodies!
Just throw 'em in back!
20 dollars a pop!
Hey, maybe we walk.
Who wants a nice walk?
- No one!
- Come. We're walking.
Everyone out of the hearse.
Oh, my God, look at that house.
Oh, my God, look at that house!
Oh, my God, look at that house!
They used their Halloween decorations
and made a Frankenstein Christmas!
Look at all those Frankensteins!
[TINA] I always thought the
Frankensteins were Jewish.
Hmm, maybe I've acquired a
taste for you since this morning.
I feel like I've grown
up a lot since then.
Ugh. Nope, nope.
Still bad. Ugh. [GASPS]
Well, hello, you. Do
you live around here?
What are you doing all by yourself?
I promise I'm not hitting on you.
All right, I am.
Are you lost? I don't think
you should be out here.
You could get hurt.
Physically and emotionally.
Oh, do you want some Christmas candy?
You can have some.
Dark chocolate's not really my thing,
- but maybe you like stuff that's gross.
- [SNIFFING]
Ooh, you do like it!
You are going to town on that chocolate.
Now will you let me pick you up
so we can get you back
to where you belong?
Don't be scared. I get
it stranger danger.
But here, have some more chocolate.
And now I just pick you up. Aah!
No! Wait! Don't run away.
I'm trying to help
you, you adorable idiot!
[WHIMPERING] Mom! Dad!
What's going on? Why are you
running? Are-are you okay?
I just found a little puppy
out here all by itself.
I think it's lost. I
tried to pick it up,
but it was scared, so I
fed it some of my chocolate,
but then it ran off, and now it's gone!
Wait, Gene. You fed it chocolate?
The-the dark chocolate?
Yeah, he loved it. Weird, right?
Maybe he's from Belgium.
- Gene, chocolate is poisonous for dogs.
- What?!
And-and and I think
dark chocolate is the worst.
What?! Why would chocolate
be poisonous?! It's chocolate!
Gene, what have you done?!
You knew about this chocolate thing?!
No, but now that I do know,
I would never feed a dog
chocolate. Are you insane?
[SIGHS] Okay, we need to
find that puppy right now
and help it somehow so it doesn't die.
I Uh, just so it-it will be okay.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh,
my God! I poisoned a puppy?!
On Christmas.
- I know it's Christmas!
- Sorry, sorry.
- What do we do? What do we do?!
- Oh, okay, did you see
which way he ran off? Or-or she?
It's a boy. I saw his dinky.
He was just flapping it
around, not a care in the world.
And then I fed him chocolate
and he ran off across the street,
and now he's gone!
All right, let's go see
if we can find him. Go, go!
What do we do once we find him?
Looking it up while
running. It's not easy.
Yeah, even when you do
those things separately,
you aren't good at them.
Gene, how-how big was the puppy?
- Uh, this big?
- Okay.
And how much chocolate did you give it?
- Uh this much?
- Wait.
- That's bigger than the dog!
- He loved chocolate!
And he's not good at knowing his limits!
He ran that way to that corner!
[LINDA] Everybody look around
and see if you can find him.
- [LOUISE] Puppy?
- Here, puppy, puppy, puppy.
- Here, puppy!
- Hey, puppy!
- He's not here!
- Bob, what's your phone saying?
Well, it looks like we're
gonna have to make it throw up
in the next 30 minutes,
or it could be, uh
- [GENE] What?!
- [SIGHS]
We're gonna need a smaller hearse.
- Aah!
- How do you make a puppy throw up?
- Show it a picture of Dad's back moles?
- Louise.
Should we just shove a
finger down its throat?
- Your father's finger?
- Um, it says that doesn't work on dogs.
Hmm. Hydrogen peroxide.
Oh, turkey baster.
Dad, this is no time to talk
about your beloved turkey basting.
Get your head out of your ass!
No, Tina. You fill a turkey baster
with hydrogen peroxide, put
it down the puppy's throat,
squeeze, and then hold their mouth shut.
- Oh.
- Seems rude.
Where are we gonna get a turkey baster
and hydrogen peroxide around here?
I I'm not sure.
Let-Let's just find the dog first.
Here, little puppy!
I have more chocolate!
- What?
- [BOB AND LOUISE] Gene. - No!
What? He likes it!
Oh, right! Damn it, I forgot!
Okay, he's not here.
Maybe we, um, split up?
Some of us get back in the
hearse to cover more ground
and some of us keep going on foot
to check in bushes and yards and stuff?
I call "not going in the
hearse." Who's with me?
I was gonna go in the hearse.
- Same.
- Yeah, me, too.
It's got a heater.
And wheels that move you around.
And just a nice energy.
You know, minus the death.
- Tina, you're coming with me.
- Wait, why me?
Because I can't be a lady
walking around by myself
on Brookside Drive on Christmas.
- They'll think I'm selling it.
- Selling what?
- Christmas cheer?
- Never mind.
All right, it's been about
15 minutes since Gene poiso
a-accidentally overserved the puppy.
So we have 15 minutes to
find it and make it throw up.
Uh, I'm setting a timer.
- I think my phone does that.
- Here, I'll do it.
It'll take you 15 minutes
just to figure that out.
I'm old.
Okay. Call us if you find him
and we'll call you if we find him. Go!
Not a contest, but Team Hearse sucks!
Team Walking rules!
What kind of world is this
where chocolate can be deadly?!
What else kills dogs?! Rainbows?!
Ice cream?! Love songs?!
- Um, raisins.
- What the hell?! Ugh!
As if this Christmas
wasn't already terr
uh, terrific.
- Which it was.
- Yep.
Great Christmas all around.
Hmm. Well, uh, do you remember,
did it have a collar on?
No, just a red ribbon.
A red ribbon?
That must mean somebody got a puppy
as a present for Christmas?
I thought that was only in movies
and insurance commercials.
I didn't know that really happened.
That is so different from our life.
You mean because we
don't have insurance?
- Dad, do we have insurance?
- A teeny bit.
Oh, look at that house.
Oh, look at that house!
- Oh, look at that house.
- Yeah, pretty.
But, also, should we focus on the dog?
We can do both. Just
'cause we're trying to find
a dying puppy and make
it throw up doesn't mean
we can't still have a nice Christmas.
True.
So, you know, if you get
through all ten levels
on the Color-tron, it salutes you
with ten flashes of the
last color you pressed.
- How 'bout that?
- Oh.
Did you ever get all the way through?
Oh, God, no. You think I'd be here
if I could get all the way through? No.
I'd be president of NASA right now.
It's a cool game, Mom.
- [LINDA] Mm.
- [BRAKES SQUEAK]
- Any luck?
- No. No sign of him.
We did get pretty cold out here, though.
How's the heater in there?
Thriving. I'm actually
a little too warm.
Ooh, it's starting to
snow. What do we do?
I-I don't know, but
we're running out of time.
This feels like a good "inside
the hearse" conversation.
- Um, guys?
- What, Gene?
- It's the puppy!
- [GASPS]
[LOUISE] And I love him.
I love him more than all of you.
- Sorry.
- Same here.
- I love him.
- Nope. Not as much as me.
I also love him. Not a competition.
It is. I win. I love him more.
Guys, stop. Let's all just
slowly get out of the car
and then calmly spread
out and try and catch him.
Not in a scary way.
Is this dating advice all of a sudden?
- Works for both.
- [LINDA] It's okay, little puppy.
- [TINA] Hey, guy.
- It's okay.
What are you doing in
the middle of the street,
- you little dum-dum? - Stay. Stay.
- Stay.
- [LOUISE] Oh, man, I just want
to squeeze your ridiculous face.
- Crap! - Follow him!
- [GENE PANTING]
At least we have our eyes
on the cute little bastard!
[BOB] Oh, no, I don't see him.
He went into the yard
with the most decorations
- in the world in it.
- [TINA] Too many?
[LINDA] There's never too
many. No, this is too many.
[BOB] Oh, God, we have five
minutes to find the puppy
- and make it puke.
- This is like the worst game show ever!
Where is he?
[TINA] There! He's in
that Christmas tree!
[BOB] All right.
Slowly surround the tree
like it's no big deal.
Guys, I've been thinking.
Who owns a puppy like this
and lets it out of their sight?
Also, this puppy was a Christmas gift.
They lost their puppy on day one.
- Louise, please focus.
- I'm so focused, Dad,
I'm just saying that the owners
of this puppy don't deserve it
and maybe somebody else
does, and their name is me.
Okay, I'm gonna reach in and grab him.
[ALL SHOUT]
Oh, I'm blind. I am blind now.
- Is he still there?
- Cannot see. No idea.
[LINDA] He's still in
there. He's close to me.
- [ALL SHOUT]
- Stupid blinking lights.
[COUGHS] Color-tron much?
- Tina.
- Sorry.
[GENE] He's headed your way.
[GRUNTS] Oh, I missed him.
We know. We saw.
It was like slow motion but
it was real life somehow?
- [SIGHS] Yep. Thanks, Louise.
- Oh, look,
he's running into that igloo.
[GENE] That's not his habitat!
There's no other way out. That's good.
- Got to love igloos.
- But how do we get him?
That opening's tiny.
Well, luckily, some
of us are igloo-sized.
Get in there, my little penguin.
Hi. I'm Louise.
I'm your soulmate and
I'm here to save you.
What are they doing?
- I don't know.
- Hello.
Uh, there's a puppy in that igloo.
Uh, my son gave him chocolate,
but, you know, he didn't
know that was bad, so
- Did you know?
- Nice lights, huh?
- It's a little much.
- Got to love igloos, though.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, you are soft. You are very soft.
I want to make a sweater out of you.
- Um
- Hello?
Hi, uh, we're in your
yard, and you probably
really didn't think I was
about to ask you this but, um,
do you have a turkey baster and a bottle
of hydrogen peroxide we could borrow,
like, a-as soon as possible?
Uh, I-I think we do.
- Oh, we have two minutes.
- [SHOUTS]
Yeah, there's a puppy in your igloo
that we gave chocolate to and
we need to make him throw up.
- Stop telling everybody!
- Also, it was a really cute puppy.
Not that you should
only save cute puppies.
But it makes you try harder.
We'll go inside and get those things.
I guess I hope there really
is a sick puppy in there.
- Why would we lie?
- Thank you. And hurry.
Eh, but don't fall.
We are bonded forever.
We are closer than any
two creatures can be.
Okay, let's go make you throw up.
Damn it, I forgot how cute he was.
Hang in there, little buddy.
We're just waiting for the nice lady
to come back with some
very specific items.
- Whoa, that was fast.
- Well, we'd like to
get you out of the yard
as quickly as possible.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Dad, hurry.
- All right, I-I
I'm just gonna, uh, pretend
like I am basting a turkey.
And baste.
[GULPS]
Oh, no. Did we just double-poison him?
- Why isn't it working?
- [STOMACH GRUMBLES]
Louise, I think you might
want to put him on the ground.
- Oh, my God.
- [PUPPY RETCHING]
That is so much chocolate.
I know. He loved it, okay?
And some tinsel?
Oh, great. Now that's there.
Good boy. You feel better now?
- Um, I want some of that.
- I'm coming in.
[RETCHES] Kids, that puppy just puked.
You mean our puppy just puked.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
Should we talk names? Ralph? Right?
Kids, we cannot keep
this dog. It's not ours.
But it's Christmas.
And Mom always talks
about Christmas magic.
Maybe Christmas magic
brought us this puppy?
- Oh, honey.
- Oh, that's sweet.
Do we have a plan for picking this up?
Oh, uh, we will do that.
Can we borrow something to clean it up?
We-we don't have anything.
Never mind. I'll just
cover it with a reindeer.
[SIGHS] We're really sorry, kids,
that we couldn't give you
the Christmas that you wanted.
And I'm sorry that I'm not a banker.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, here we go again.
But we can have the Christmas we wanted.
With the dog. The owner's
not even looking for it.
[MAN] Oh, my God, is that our puppy?
- Did you find our puppy?
- No!
Oh, you found him.
It's really him. Thank
you, thank you, thank you.
Oh, oh ah, he's going
back into the igloo.
- What?
- Louise.
Guess I got to go back
in and get him again.
Could take a while, okay? Hold my calls.
What if it's your business manager?
[LOUISE] Well, put him through!
Louise, uh, I'm sorry, but you,
you really have to come
out of there with the puppy.
His, uh, person is
here to take him home.
Counterpoint she stays in the igloo
until this guy takes off
and we keep the puppy?
Or we all move into the igloo?
- Uh, no.
- Wait, is she really not coming out?
[LOUISE] Just a second,
I am securing the puppy.
Oh, gosh, you know, now that
I take a good look at it,
this puppy's hideous.
Are you sure you want it?
I mean, there's probably better ones.
I'm sorry, my kids got a
little attached to the puppy.
Hey, I understand. He was
a gift for my daughter.
She's four. I don't know how he got out.
We didn't even know he was gone.
And when we realized,
she just started crying.
[LINDA] Aw, your poor little girl.
[MAN] Yeah, bedtime was tough.
But if she wakes up
and her puppy is there,
well, it'll be like
Christmas all over again.
[SIGHS] I got him out.
Here. Wait.
Here. Wait.
Okay. Wait.
- Nose to nose.
- Uh, Louise?
Fine.
Here. Here. Here.
Here! Just take him!
What's, uh, what's his name?
Lil' Bark Bark.
Uh, my daughter named him.
I have notes. It's fine for now.
[KIDS] Bye, Lil' Bark Bark.
- Yeah, I don't like it.
- Thanks again, so much.
- And Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Should we scoop up some of his throw up
as a way to remember him?
- Ooh, that'd be great.
- Okay.
Tina, sweetie, no.
Hey, sorry, I should
Uh, let-let me give you guys something.
- Oh. Whoa.
- [ALL GASP]
- Holy sugar cookies.
- Oh, no.
Uh, we-we can't take money from you.
Please. You saved our Christmas.
I mean, my son gave your dog chocolate
and then we had to find
him and make him throw up.
Your dog. Not my son.
So, yeah, y-your dog
threw up over there
and right over there.
H-He threw up a lot.
Okay, well, you've had
- an interesting night.
- Yes, we have.
Still, you got my
little girl's dog back.
And you saved him from the poison
that you gave him, so you're heroes.
- Please, take it.
- [SIGHS] It feels weird.
Nope, nope. Not weird. Good.
I actually won that at
the office Christmas party.
I guessed how many
lollipops were in the jar.
- I work at a bank.
- Oh, my God.
And this is what I want
to do with the money.
Hey, life is short.
Did you know there's a hearse
parked around the corner?
I just passed it. Really made me think.
Oh, yeah, I saw it, too.
We didn't drive it here.
Well, I'm gonna walk
away now. Thanks again.
Merry Christmas.
So, what should we do with
it? Don't say "pay bills."
[SPEAKING INAUDIBLY]
There's your Christmas magic.
[SIGHS] I can't tell if it's
magic or if it was just money.
No, it's not money.
There was crazy cosmic
Christmas stuff going on all
over the place last night.
We stepped right in it, in a good way,
with the lights and the
hearse and the chocolate
and the banker, and now
our kids are smiling.
That's Christmas magic.
I'm gonna start giving
chocolate to every puppy I see.
- We're gonna be rich.
- Gene.
Just let us poison enough puppies to get
a little more money to buy a
few more games for this thing.
They're expensive.
[BOB] No more poisoning puppies.
- [TINA] Just on Christmas?
- [BOB] Fine, just on Christmas.
[LINDA] Aw.
[LINDA] Crazy cosmic
Christmas stuff ♪
It's all over the place ♪
Meow, meow, meow, la, da ♪
Can't help but
step right into it ♪
This crazy cosmic
Christmas stuff ♪
It's all over the place ♪
Meow, meow, meow, la, da ♪
Lights, hearse,
chocolate, banker ♪
Genie gave some
chocolate to a pup ♪
So we had to make the
little pup throw up ♪
Then a guy came along
and gave us a lot of dough ♪
Oh, and banks have
great lollipops ♪
Crazy cosmic Christmas stuff. ♪