South Park s15e09 Episode Script
The Last of the Meheecans
Alright y'all, keep yer eyes peeled and yer guns ready.
There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we gotta stop 'em! Eric, you wanna say hi to grandpa? Not now, Mom, we're playing Texans versus Mexicans, God! Alright patrol - y'all know the drill.
Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw! Yee-haw.
Fellow Mehicans! This time, we're gonna try rushing the Texans from the left side! Do not give up hope, for I - am Mantequilla! Viva la Mehico!!! Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader.
Aw, I'm not a good Mehican? You're a great Mehican, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Mehico.
Look guys, all we need to do is split up and apply good diversion tactics.
We'll use the Texans emotions against them Scanning for Mexicans We've got a Mexican! Hey Texans! Let me through, we wanna treaty! He's trying a simple diversion tactic.
Thinks we're stupid.
You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican! Better than being a fat ass Texan! Just because I'm Texan doesn't mean I'm fat! No, you're fat to begin with, chubby.
Now you're Texan too.
Oh yeah?! Well you're a fucking Jew, Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! A dirty no good Mexi-Jew! - And let's just see you try and - Base! Clyde?!?! What the fuck are you doing?! You just let a Mexican through! I was enthralled with the dialogue exchange.
Yeah well, you all need to stay focused, Goddammit! If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, - we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good- - Base! Dude! How did he get past the fence, Craig?! I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming.
Nobody's fucking screaming, Craig.
Wake the fuck up! B-base! Aw God! So then the Pope says 'Maybe you should go check the toilet!' I got one.
- Why do girls wear make up and perfume? - Why? Cuz they're ugly and they stink.
Cartman stop pouting that you lost the game.
I'm not pouting! I've just heard all these jokes before.
So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night.
At least I have an asshole, Kyle.
Boy, I've really done it this time.
I had one simple direction, go that way.
How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right, I am a lousy Mexican.
They're all livin' the good life while I'm still stuck out here in Mehico.
I am the last of the Meheecans.
Hello? Anybody? Come on, Mantequilla! You have to find that border! Work Mexican work! Work Mexican work! Oh, careful, darling.
This storm is getting worse.
It sure is.
I can barely see Oh my God, look out it's a Mexican! Oh my God, are you alright? Por favor I have to get across the border My amigos my amigos are waiting Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family! I am Mantequilla.
The last of the Mehicans Guest room.
Guest room.
Bed.
Bed.
Pillow.
You're going to be okay? Do you understand? Darling, I don't know if we can keep him.
What're we supposed to do, call the police and have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal? Window.
Window.
Yep, window.
Bueno.
He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico.
window.
Windex.
Paper towel.
Ahp, be sure to get the edges.
Oh, darling, it's wonderful.
Clyde.
We're losing.
Kyle got through.
Oh, no.
Now Stan's through.
Jimmy, it's over.
Only Mexican left is Butters.
We got-- Butters! Hey, wake up you guys.
Wake up losers! What are you talking about? Where is Butters? He was with us at dinner.
Wait, was he with us at dinner? Yeah, I think he was.
Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not.
Butters? Butters? Jesus, it's freezing out here.
He could be dead.
All right, men, rally up.
There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through! You haven't won yet! Game on! Game on.
Work Mehican work Work Mehican work Mantequilla! Mantequilla, come to the living room! We have a surprise for you! Surprise! We scraped some money together and got you something! It's a present, Mantequilla! Un presente.
Wow! A present just for me?! Oh, he's such a happy little Mexican.
How do you like that, Mantequilla?! Your very own leaf blower! I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do.
Say, how'd you like to go in the backyard and play? Oh, look at him darling, he's so happy.
No, no, Mantequilla.
You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other.
Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you.
Si, senor.
Oh, he's so adorable.
All week long, bossman say, "Work Mexican, work.
" Honey? Honey, what's wrong? It's Mantequilla.
We've tried giving him everything but I don't think he's happy.
Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed, wash the windows, mop up our bathroom but you know what he said? He said 'I need to go home'.
I tried telling him 'your home is here, Mantequilla! Tu casa es aqui! But I don't think he feels it.
Maybe if we let him paint the garage he'll feel more like family and No, Brian, in my heart I know it's true He belongs with his own kind, Brian.
He belongs with his own kind Come on, honey.
Where are you going? No.
Mantequilla, bad.
Go now! Ma'am, could I just use your phone? So there I was! Just yards away from the American border all my amigos made it across, but I become lost in the woods! If the ripples hadn't a come along, I might have froze to death.
But I'm not giving up! For I am Mantequilla! Mantequilla? Mantequilla? Nothing can stop me and my pride in mother Mehico!!! Hey! You fellas think you can help me get across that all my amigos are there.
Waitin' for me.
Viva la Mehico! Alright, let's get him into er Careful my foot! We're crossin' the border! Pretty quiet out there.
Yup, a bit too quiet if you ask me.
Gimme those.
Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross in to the U.
S.
As much as they used to, you know? No, they're out there, Charlie.
Plottin' their next move.
They'll do anything they can to get into the land of opportunity.
And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people clamoring to get in.
It's the curse of success, Charlie.
A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued by the needy trying to what the hell? Uh, sir, aren't them Mexicans running into Mexico? That don't make sense.
You're going the wrong way! You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called 'Orgullo de Mantequilla', where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here is the U.
S.
The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own country.
Well, I think it's good.
If the Mexican people feel, inspired good for them.
People have a right to go and be happy.
Nooo! But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live in Mexico? Joining us now is analyst Mark Gieger and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream but Mexican patriotism? Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris.
I think that Cartman, what the hell is this? Ou guys the game is over.
Clearly, I won.
Give it up.
Wanted by the us border patrol.
Permission to shoot on sight?! You guys are putting out flyers I had to put some out, too.
Buskers has been missing nor a week.
You might have inadvertently gotten him killed! Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I? Do you have what it takes to join the border patrol? Border patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis.
Oh, dude.
Sweet.
Vamos Mantequilla! Vamos Mantequilla! Oh, I'm sorry, I don't really Orgullo! Welcome to the U.
S.
border patrol.
You volunteers are the key to keeping this country safe and prosperous.
Every day more and more Mexicans are trying to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico.
As border patrol officers, our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossing the border.
We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going.
We're just supposed to stop em! Marcus? The standard issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun Baton.
It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcing border patrol law.
This is gonna be so fucking sweet.
The baton is non-lethal, but powerful Hey- we got some! Mexicans at two o'clock! Let's get ready, recruits.
Must be a couple dozen of 'em.
This is the U.
S.
border patrol.
Stop where you are.
Turn around and get back to work.
There's two many of 'em we're gonna need back up! You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son.
What's your name? Cartman.
Eric T.
Cartman.
Dedicated.
Patriotic.
Tireless.
These are the men and women of the U.
S.
Border patrol.
They work around the clock, protecting America's prosperity.
They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work.
The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent and cool.
They will defend, arrest and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in United States.
Thanks everyone! It sure has been great getting to know you all.
You've been really great amigos! It's really kind of made me Appreciate my amigos back home.
I know they're waiting for me And I'm sure they're all worried sick.
What did he say? I actually don't speak Spanish.
No Mexicans detected.
Huh, nothing.
Let's face it.
They've just about all gotten back across.
No matter how hard we tried the Mexicans all got across the border.
When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants we didn't mean to make the U.
S.
so shitty they wouldn't wanna come any more.
Hey, hey, wait a minute! It's a Mexican.
I think he wants to come back in! Oh, my, God, it is! Hey! Come on in! Come on! Come on, it's okay! Fuck are you doin'? Get that gate open! Come on, buddy! Come on! Over here! You got it! Wait a minute, isn't that Game on! Oh, no, you don't! Fuck are you doin?! That asshole is not getting across my border! I'll get over! No, you won't, Butters.
Where the fuck did he go? Game over, Butters! You lose! What the fuck is this? No.
Noooooooooo! Base! El ba-so! Base-ooooo! So then, so then the fireman says 'That won't even fit in my scrotum! Stop being a pouty little bitch cuz you lost, Cartman.
I'm not pouting! I'm just sensitive to firemen jokes cuz of 911 and the Fuck you, Kyle.
Boy I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Mexican! Hey maybe next time I can be team leader! Uhhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude.
You made it across the border but it did take you two and a half weeks.
Yeah, you're a great Mehican, Butters, just not a great leader, of Mehico.
There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we gotta stop 'em! Eric, you wanna say hi to grandpa? Not now, Mom, we're playing Texans versus Mexicans, God! Alright patrol - y'all know the drill.
Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yee-haw! Yee-haw.
Fellow Mehicans! This time, we're gonna try rushing the Texans from the left side! Do not give up hope, for I - am Mantequilla! Viva la Mehico!!! Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader.
Aw, I'm not a good Mehican? You're a great Mehican, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Mehico.
Look guys, all we need to do is split up and apply good diversion tactics.
We'll use the Texans emotions against them Scanning for Mexicans We've got a Mexican! Hey Texans! Let me through, we wanna treaty! He's trying a simple diversion tactic.
Thinks we're stupid.
You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican! Better than being a fat ass Texan! Just because I'm Texan doesn't mean I'm fat! No, you're fat to begin with, chubby.
Now you're Texan too.
Oh yeah?! Well you're a fucking Jew, Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! A dirty no good Mexi-Jew! - And let's just see you try and - Base! Clyde?!?! What the fuck are you doing?! You just let a Mexican through! I was enthralled with the dialogue exchange.
Yeah well, you all need to stay focused, Goddammit! If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, - we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good- - Base! Dude! How did he get past the fence, Craig?! I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming.
Nobody's fucking screaming, Craig.
Wake the fuck up! B-base! Aw God! So then the Pope says 'Maybe you should go check the toilet!' I got one.
- Why do girls wear make up and perfume? - Why? Cuz they're ugly and they stink.
Cartman stop pouting that you lost the game.
I'm not pouting! I've just heard all these jokes before.
So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night.
At least I have an asshole, Kyle.
Boy, I've really done it this time.
I had one simple direction, go that way.
How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right, I am a lousy Mexican.
They're all livin' the good life while I'm still stuck out here in Mehico.
I am the last of the Meheecans.
Hello? Anybody? Come on, Mantequilla! You have to find that border! Work Mexican work! Work Mexican work! Oh, careful, darling.
This storm is getting worse.
It sure is.
I can barely see Oh my God, look out it's a Mexican! Oh my God, are you alright? Por favor I have to get across the border My amigos my amigos are waiting Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family! I am Mantequilla.
The last of the Mehicans Guest room.
Guest room.
Bed.
Bed.
Pillow.
You're going to be okay? Do you understand? Darling, I don't know if we can keep him.
What're we supposed to do, call the police and have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal? Window.
Window.
Yep, window.
Bueno.
He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico.
window.
Windex.
Paper towel.
Ahp, be sure to get the edges.
Oh, darling, it's wonderful.
Clyde.
We're losing.
Kyle got through.
Oh, no.
Now Stan's through.
Jimmy, it's over.
Only Mexican left is Butters.
We got-- Butters! Hey, wake up you guys.
Wake up losers! What are you talking about? Where is Butters? He was with us at dinner.
Wait, was he with us at dinner? Yeah, I think he was.
Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not.
Butters? Butters? Jesus, it's freezing out here.
He could be dead.
All right, men, rally up.
There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through! You haven't won yet! Game on! Game on.
Work Mehican work Work Mehican work Mantequilla! Mantequilla, come to the living room! We have a surprise for you! Surprise! We scraped some money together and got you something! It's a present, Mantequilla! Un presente.
Wow! A present just for me?! Oh, he's such a happy little Mexican.
How do you like that, Mantequilla?! Your very own leaf blower! I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do.
Say, how'd you like to go in the backyard and play? Oh, look at him darling, he's so happy.
No, no, Mantequilla.
You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other.
Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you.
Si, senor.
Oh, he's so adorable.
All week long, bossman say, "Work Mexican, work.
" Honey? Honey, what's wrong? It's Mantequilla.
We've tried giving him everything but I don't think he's happy.
Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed, wash the windows, mop up our bathroom but you know what he said? He said 'I need to go home'.
I tried telling him 'your home is here, Mantequilla! Tu casa es aqui! But I don't think he feels it.
Maybe if we let him paint the garage he'll feel more like family and No, Brian, in my heart I know it's true He belongs with his own kind, Brian.
He belongs with his own kind Come on, honey.
Where are you going? No.
Mantequilla, bad.
Go now! Ma'am, could I just use your phone? So there I was! Just yards away from the American border all my amigos made it across, but I become lost in the woods! If the ripples hadn't a come along, I might have froze to death.
But I'm not giving up! For I am Mantequilla! Mantequilla? Mantequilla? Nothing can stop me and my pride in mother Mehico!!! Hey! You fellas think you can help me get across that all my amigos are there.
Waitin' for me.
Viva la Mehico! Alright, let's get him into er Careful my foot! We're crossin' the border! Pretty quiet out there.
Yup, a bit too quiet if you ask me.
Gimme those.
Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross in to the U.
S.
As much as they used to, you know? No, they're out there, Charlie.
Plottin' their next move.
They'll do anything they can to get into the land of opportunity.
And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people clamoring to get in.
It's the curse of success, Charlie.
A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued by the needy trying to what the hell? Uh, sir, aren't them Mexicans running into Mexico? That don't make sense.
You're going the wrong way! You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called 'Orgullo de Mantequilla', where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here is the U.
S.
The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own country.
Well, I think it's good.
If the Mexican people feel, inspired good for them.
People have a right to go and be happy.
Nooo! But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live in Mexico? Joining us now is analyst Mark Gieger and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream but Mexican patriotism? Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris.
I think that Cartman, what the hell is this? Ou guys the game is over.
Clearly, I won.
Give it up.
Wanted by the us border patrol.
Permission to shoot on sight?! You guys are putting out flyers I had to put some out, too.
Buskers has been missing nor a week.
You might have inadvertently gotten him killed! Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I? Do you have what it takes to join the border patrol? Border patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis.
Oh, dude.
Sweet.
Vamos Mantequilla! Vamos Mantequilla! Oh, I'm sorry, I don't really Orgullo! Welcome to the U.
S.
border patrol.
You volunteers are the key to keeping this country safe and prosperous.
Every day more and more Mexicans are trying to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico.
As border patrol officers, our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossing the border.
We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going.
We're just supposed to stop em! Marcus? The standard issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun Baton.
It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcing border patrol law.
This is gonna be so fucking sweet.
The baton is non-lethal, but powerful Hey- we got some! Mexicans at two o'clock! Let's get ready, recruits.
Must be a couple dozen of 'em.
This is the U.
S.
border patrol.
Stop where you are.
Turn around and get back to work.
There's two many of 'em we're gonna need back up! You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son.
What's your name? Cartman.
Eric T.
Cartman.
Dedicated.
Patriotic.
Tireless.
These are the men and women of the U.
S.
Border patrol.
They work around the clock, protecting America's prosperity.
They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work.
The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent and cool.
They will defend, arrest and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in United States.
Thanks everyone! It sure has been great getting to know you all.
You've been really great amigos! It's really kind of made me Appreciate my amigos back home.
I know they're waiting for me And I'm sure they're all worried sick.
What did he say? I actually don't speak Spanish.
No Mexicans detected.
Huh, nothing.
Let's face it.
They've just about all gotten back across.
No matter how hard we tried the Mexicans all got across the border.
When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants we didn't mean to make the U.
S.
so shitty they wouldn't wanna come any more.
Hey, hey, wait a minute! It's a Mexican.
I think he wants to come back in! Oh, my, God, it is! Hey! Come on in! Come on! Come on, it's okay! Fuck are you doin'? Get that gate open! Come on, buddy! Come on! Over here! You got it! Wait a minute, isn't that Game on! Oh, no, you don't! Fuck are you doin?! That asshole is not getting across my border! I'll get over! No, you won't, Butters.
Where the fuck did he go? Game over, Butters! You lose! What the fuck is this? No.
Noooooooooo! Base! El ba-so! Base-ooooo! So then, so then the fireman says 'That won't even fit in my scrotum! Stop being a pouty little bitch cuz you lost, Cartman.
I'm not pouting! I'm just sensitive to firemen jokes cuz of 911 and the Fuck you, Kyle.
Boy I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Mexican! Hey maybe next time I can be team leader! Uhhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude.
You made it across the border but it did take you two and a half weeks.
Yeah, you're a great Mehican, Butters, just not a great leader, of Mehico.