Bob's Burgers s15e10 Episode Script

1
Huh.
[LINDA] Tina, let's go.
It's called breakfast, not break-slow.
Coming. Save me some
Chocolate Chippy Chomps.
Sorry I'm late.
I was dealing with a
little something on my butt
that I'm hoping is totally
normal for a teenage person.
It rhymes with "schmimple."
Dr. Richard Kimble?
Is The Fugitive on your butt?
No. Wait, what?
How is it empty? Didn't
we just get these?
Gene, how many bowls did you have?
One. It was the most amount of cereal
a person could fit in a
bowl, but it was just one.
Louise, how many bowls did you have?
Uh, why are we counting?
Because I said, "Save me some."
"Save me some" means you
don't take a second bowl
before everyone's had their first.
I couldn't stop myself.
They're just so chocolaty.
I don't understand how they're
legally allowed at breakfast.
Louise. Tina, do you want
me to make you an egg, honey?
Oh, yeah, I'd love a stupid egg.
- [BOB] Tina.
- Sorry. Yes, please.
So, the Bounty of the
Bay Parade is coming up.
That'll be, um, well,
it'll be another parade.
This town loves a parade.
We're a real parade-y bunch.
Hey, doesn't your school
have a float this year?
Yup. Every year they
pick a different school,
and this year it's
Wagstaff's time to shine.
Oh, fun.
We're gonna vote on an
ambassador to ride on the float.
I'd only want to do it if I
could be the "ham-bassador."
- These hams.
- Mm.
Aah! How is your cereal
still so crunchy?!
What'd you say? It's hard
to hear you over the crunch.
Damn it.
[FROND] Ugh.
You okay, Mr. Frond?
I heard you going "ugh."
- I'm fine.
- Okay, bye.
It's just this email
from Principal Spoors.
I guess he was bragging
to the superintendent
about our advice column
in the school newspaper,
Ask an Eighth Grader.
Our school newspaper
has an advice column?
Well, we did for a while,
but it wasn't very popular.
Maybe because, no offense,
kids don't know anything
- and give terrible advice.
- Okay.
And then, a few years ago, after
the student doing it graduated,
no one found a replacement and
the column just kind of fizzled.
Oh. Well, I should get going, so
But now Principal Spoors
wants to resurrect it
because the superintendent said
she was going to "check it out"
and Spoors doesn't want
to look like an idiot.
- All right. See you later.
- And Ms. Persky is on maternity leave,
so somehow I got to handle
the paper while she's gone.
And that's on top of having to get kids
to vote for the parade ambassador.
Uh-huh. Take it easy.
Anyway, Tina, since you're here
and you're an eighth grader, guess what.
You're the new Ask an Eighth Grader.
Wait, what, me?
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- Okay.
Um, you really think I'd
be good at giving advice?
Tina, I really, really do
not care either way. Congrats.
- Um, thanks?
- And you're supposed to be anonymous,
so don't tell anyone.
Wow, this is, uh, quite an honor, I
All right, out you go. Busy, busy.
- No time to talk.
- Uh, uh, okay, yeah.
- Hey, Teddy.
- Hi, Teddy.
Hi, Linda, Bob. One
Burger of the Day, please.
And, Bobby, can you not take
forever to make the burger,
like you sometimes do?
Uh, okay.
Ooh, he's in a mood.
I-I got to hurry over to
help the Order of the Pioneers
build their float for the parade.
Ooh, the Order of the Pioneers.
Wait, who are they, again?
They're one of the
oldest fraternal societies
- in the country.
- Oh, did you join?
Join? No, no, no.
I mean, I'd love to be a Pioneer, but
you know those groups.
They're so hard to get into.
And they take up a lot of hours.
- You spend a lot of hours here.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Mm.
- What's the float gonna be?
The Pioneers commissioned a sculpture
of a giant grouper fish made
out of trash found in the ocean.
Ooh, that's a fun
thing to do with trash.
We just throw ours away.
So, how are you helping them?
Well, I'm building their
float with some plywood,
and I'm gonna help them
mount the grouper onto it.
And I also said I could make
the grouper's eyes and mouth move
and make it blow bubbles.
Can you do all that?
I don't know! I wanted to impress them.
It's gonna be fine. Everything's online.
I'll just look up "giant grouper statue,
make look alive for
fraternal order parade float."
- Perfect.
- Yep.
[FROND] Attention, everyone.
Lunchtime announcements. Quiet down.
- Peter, stop slurping.
- [SLURPS] Huh?
Just another reminder: many
of you still need to vote
on which student will
be our parade ambassador.
All you got to do is write
down the name of a student
on one of these ballots.
Just write down a name.
It's that easy.
And everyone better write my name.
Because I like to stand on top of things
and look down at people.
And also the ambassador gives a speech,
- and everyone loves to hear me talk.
- What?
Another announcement
Wagstaff is bringing back
the school paper's advice
column Ask an Eighth Grader.
Now you can anonymously ask
all of your burning questions
to a wise, old eighth grader
who themselves will be anonymous.
And they are totally
qualified to answer them.
Not as qualified as a guidance counselor
with years of experience, but whatever.
Kind of cool about Ask
an Eighth Grader, huh?
- Is it?
- I wonder who it is.
- Are we this desperate for small talk?
- I was talking to Gene.
I'm still mad at you, Cereal Swiper.
Okay. Someone's still
having a lot of big feelings.
Hey, you mind closing that
Chippy Chomp hole for a second?
So, I'm gonna tell you something,
but you can't tell anyone.
I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.
- What?!
- Shh.
- [WHISPERS] What?
- Yeah. I'm kind of excited.
These fingers are
gonna type the responses
that change people's lives.
I bet it'll be a welcome break
from chasing boogers all day.
I bet it will, Gene. I bet it will.
Ask an eighth grader,
ask an eighth grader ♪
Won't you pretty, pretty
please ask an eighth grader? ♪
Ask an eighth grader,
ask an eighth grader ♪
Why won't anybody frickin'
ask an eighth grader? ♪
Oh, won't you ask, ask, ask,
ask, ask, ask, ask, ask, ask ♪
Ask, ask, ask an eighth grader. ♪
Tina, come have dinner and
stop looking at your Ticky Toks.
[GROANS] It's been days, and
no one has submitted a question
to Ask an Eighth Grader. Also, Mom, Dad,
remember, you can't tell
anyone my secret identity.
We know. We heard you the many,
many times you've said that.
- Anyone.
- We promise.
[SIGHS] I just feel like
I could really help people
if I had the chance, you know?
Aw, Tina. I'll ask you a question.
Should your dad finally wash his shirt,
or should he just keep wearing it
even though it's covered in stains?
- What? Oh, my God.
- It's like a baby's bib.
An exploding baby.
[TINA] You should wash it, Dad.
And that's advice from a professional.
[LOUISE TYPING]
[LINDA] Good night, Louise.
- What have you got under there?
- Oh, just my little growing body.
Okay. Well, good night.
- Good night.
- Aha.
What are you doing with the laptop?
And is that Tina's journal?
[SIGHS] I was submitting a question
to Ask an Eighth Grader
so Tina would have at least
one measly letter to answer.
I was kinda hoping it would make up
for the Chippy Chomps incident.
Oof, the Chippy Chomps incident.
But why Tina's journal?
I needed material.
I'm a youthful, innocent nine-year-old.
I don't have any weird
puberty drama yet.
But this thing is full of it.
I mean, we should donate this
to the Smithsonian to be studied.
Well, let's see what you got so far.
"Hi, I'm a teenaged person and
I'm pubing all over the place
"like the ding-dong puberty bell.
"I've got butt zits, boob hairs,
"so much sweat in my undercarriage area,
and maybe a little mustache
depending on what light I'm in."
Okay, wow, this needs a little finesse.
What do you mean? It seems great to me.
No, move over. I'm coming up.
[GRUNTS] Come on, scooch, scooch.
I'm trying. I didn't know
grown-ups could climb up here.
Yeah, grown-ups can come up here.
I'm the one who changes
the sheets on this bed.
It's the hardest thing I do
every two to three to four weeks.
So, you got to make this
kid seem like a real person.
Like this. "I'm feeling
a little insecure about some stuff."
Oh. Wow, that's good.
Lot of typos, but that's
okay, we'll fix those later.
- Shh.
- Sorry.
Morning, everyone. I'm just gonna check
the Ask an Eighth Grader inbox
- and see that it's still empty.
- That's the spirit.
Oh. Oh, my God, I got a letter.
- Oh, wow.
- Huh.
"Butt acne boob hairs puberty "
It's from someone
named Miss Am I Normal.
[PURRS] Is there a Mr. Am I Normal?
Wow, I feel like I
really get this person.
I mean, they wrote about
stuff that's kind of, uh,
- right up my alley.
- Ooh, what a great letter.
I-I mean, I didn't read
it, but I'm sure it's great.
Lin, you okay?
She's happy for Tina.
Show some support, Dad.
Yeah, Dad. Offer up a high
five for once in your life.
- Okay, okay.
- [TINA] Damn straight.
Ow.
I think that should do
it. I'm gonna turn it on.
Ooh, bubbles.
- Look at 'em.
- Pretty.
This thing works great.
Uh, why do you need to
do that in here, again?
I have to test it. For the float.
Bubbles are gonna come
out of the fish's mouth.
No, I know, but why do
you need to do it here?
Because I-I needed a second opinion.
Can you picture these
coming out of a fish's mouth?
- Yes.
- Are you saying that because
- you want me to turn it off?
- Yes.
- Now or ?
- Uh-huh. Yup.
'Cause we could also keep it
on and see how long it takes
- before it runs out of bubbles.
- No.
- Sure.
- [BOB GROANS]
- Great.
- Excuse me.
The bubbles are popping on my food.
- Teddy.
- Fine.
Thank you.
Hey, hi, hello there.
Tammy for Parade Ambassador.
Cast your vote and put
this Tammy on a float.
She's so totally floaty.
Tammy definitely puts
the "ass" in ambassador.
Hey, J-Ju, did you see
Ask an Eighth Grader
in the school paper this morning?
You read the school paper, Zeke?
Fart yeah. I like to keep
up with current events.
There was this letter
from somebody called
Miss Am I Normal, and
it was like, oh, my God,
this kid just put it all out there.
So honest, so raw.
And, look, Ask an Eighth
Grader had a spot-on reply, too.
- Check it out.
- You think?
I-I mean,
what-what was it?
"I want you to know
that you're not alone,
and I'm 100% sure "
[TINA] that someone out
there has the same problems
and the same questions.
And remember, your body
is like a free sample
at Fro-Yo-Momma. You only get one,
so you might as well enjoy it.
- I read it, like, four times.
- I put it up in my locker.
Tina, your column's the
belle of the butt zit ball.
Shh. But yeah.
Nothing. Don't worry about it, Peter.
- Just keep slurping your soup.
- [SLURPS] Huh?
Not that I want Miss Am I Normal
to have a lot more problems,
but I hope she writes in again.
And I hope she has a lot more problems.
How many more of these
do we have to write?
I don't know, but less
talking, more typing.
All right, all right,
pass me the journal.
Oof, look at this one. God bless her.
Whoo! ♪
Anonymous advice,
anonymous advice ♪
- Butt zits ♪
- Anonymous ♪
- Boob hair ♪
- Anonymous ♪
- Undercarriage ♪
- Anonymous ♪
Anonymous advice,
anonymous advice. ♪
- [BELL JINGLES]
- Hey, Teddy.
Haven't seen you in a few days.
Yeah, I've been working
on the float nonstop.
I'm having a hard time getting
the grouper's eyes to move around.
And the mouth to open and close.
And the bubbles to
come out of the mouth.
So, everything you said you'd do.
Gah! This fish is making a fool of me!
Aw. Hey, kids, how was school?
Great. Miss Am I Normal is kind
of all anyone can talk about.
- Wow.
- Yup.
Everyone wants to know who she is.
- Oh, they do?
- And who she's wearing.
- Who's Miss Am I Normal?
- She's someone who submitted
to our school newspaper's advice column,
and I can't tell you
who writes the advice
in the advice column because
it's a really big secret.
- Okay. Is it you?
- Yes. Please don't tell anyone.
- I won't. Can I tell Mort?
- Sure.
So, yeah, everyone is
trying to figure out
who Miss Am I Normal is. Isn't that fun?
But, uh, it's anonymous, right?
There's no way they can ever
find out, right, Tina? Right?
I guess, but kids are really determined.
They made betting pools about it.
Someone made T-shirts.
One kid started a podcast.
Sponsored by Squarespace.
- [TYPING]
- "Signed, Miss Am I Normal."
- Good?
- Good.
Good.
"Thank you for giving
me such wise advice.
"You solved all my problems.
So, goodbye forever.
"But please don't try
to figure out who I am
"because it's not that interesting.
You'll find out and be like,
'Snoozeville, never mind.'"
Man, Miss Am I Normal's worried
- she's gonna be a disappointment.
- I feel that.
Now I want to know who she is even more.
- It's a delicious mystery.
- Damn it.
How was the reply from
Ask an Eighth Grader?
- Just curious.
- It was great. They wrote,
"I don't know about Snoozeville,
"but I've enjoyed my trip to Youzville.
"And I hope you enjoy
Youzville, as well.
"I won't try to figure out who you are
"as long as you don't try
to figure out who I am.
Wink, wink. We're anony-buddies."
Aw, man, I'm gonna miss
that correspondence.
- Me, too.
- [FROND] Attention.
I have a very important announcement.
Through sheer grit and nagging,
I got most of you to vote,
and all the ballots have been counted
by the political science club
who also gave me guff
and we have a winner for
the parade ambassadorship.
And the winner is
Miss Am I Normal. Really?
- [GASPS]
- Oh, my God.
Hell yeah. I voted for her.
Mostly 'cause I wanted
to find out who she is.
- I admire her so much.
- She's got to come forward now.
I'm kinda excited to see
who I've been talking to.
Ugh. Tina, I have to tell you something.
There is no Miss Am I Normal.
Not yet. She must be too
nervous to reveal herself.
No, I mean Mom and I
wrote those letters.
- Wait, what?
- My mom? Linda Belcher?
[CLEARS THROAT] Hi, everyone. Um
It's me. I am Miss Am I Normal.
[ALL GASPING]
- What?
- Yeah, what?
Tammy's Miss Am I Normal?
What the heck-a-do,
what, huh?
[TINA] You're telling
me that you and Mom
wrote the letters and that
there's no Miss Am I Normal?
- Yeah
- So y-you just made all that stuff up?
No, we took stuff from your journal.
- Oh.
- What?!
Well, no one was writing in.
- Ugh. So Tammy's lying?
- Yes.
I mean, is that surprising?
- This is unbelievable.
- I'm really sorry.
Ugh!
She'll get over it.
- Ah!
- See?
I can't believe it's you, girl.
Man, my brain's going
like doi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
Yeah, I never would've
guessed it was you, Tammy.
Not in a zillion years.
Yeah, I didn't want to
say anything, but then,
when I got voted ambassador,
I felt like I had to, you know?
Tammy, why didn't you tell
me you were Miss Am I Normal?
I thought we told each other everything.
Jocelyn, this was,
like, so deeply personal.
Listen, you're still my best friend,
even though now all of these people
- also want to be my best friend.
- Okay.
Ow. Stop pushing me.
- [PHONE RINGS]
- Bob's Burgers.
- Bob.
- Uh, hey, Teddy.
- It's Teddy.
- Yup.
I can't talk long.
Okay. Well, uh, that's fine.
I'm in the bathroom
at the Pioneers' Lodge.
- Oh okay.
- The lodge is incredible, Bob.
It's everything you imagined and more.
Well, I've never
imagined it at all, Teddy.
There's a bar and a pool
table, books and rugs.
I had a couple of
beers. They were so cold.
But, Teddy, I thought
you couldn't talk long.
It's just this grouper float.
I can't tell you how
much I want it to work.
The Pioneers are excited about it, too.
That's why they invited me over.
I hate to say I also can't talk long,
but I feel like one of us should
put more pressure on this conversation.
I told them the grouper's coming along,
but it's got issues, Bob.
I may have bit off more than I can chew.
This grouper's a mess.
I'm sure it will be fine, Teddy.
Oh, God, I want to be a Pioneer so bad.
The paneling in here, Bob. Real wood.
- Okay, I'm gonna hang up now.
- All right.
I'll call you in ten minutes from the
- Tammy?
- Tina, no, I can't talk right now.
I have to pick up my
ambassador sash from the office
and then I've got an interview
on some kid's podcast.
He wants me to wear the
sash for the podcast.
And you won't be able to see
it, but I can swish it around.
You're not Miss Am I Normal.
[GASPS] How do you know that?
I mean, how dare you?
Yes, I am Miss Am I Normal.
I know you're not, because
I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.
- [GASPS]
- Miss Am I Normal's
my mom and my sister. They
wrote the letters without telling me
because no one was writing
into Ask an Eighth Grader
- and they felt bad for me.
- Um
Tina, you can't tell anyone
Miss Am I Normal was
your mom and sister.
- Why not? Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
And not just because it's
so embarrassing for you.
But because if people find out
that Miss Am I Normal isn't even real,
they're gonna be super
mad and duper sad.
But
So don't tell anyone that
I'm not Miss Am I Normal,
and I won't tell anyone
about your sneaky mom
and your liar sister. Got it? Good.
- [SIGHS]
- Good talk. Okay.
Oh, wow. Aw, thank you so much for that.
Wow. So much support.
Thank you. Thank you.
[GROANS]
[TEDDY] This is your moment, pal.
Let there be life!
Ha-ha!
Wow.
No. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Hello. Hi. Beautiful day for a parade.
Everything's going great with this guy.
[LAUGHS, GROANS]
Ooh, Tina, octopus.
Look at the suckers on that sucker.
You're still not talking to me, huh?
No. Not you or Louise.
Except to tell you
I'm not talking to you.
And I'm done. Back to not talking.
Yup, yup.
Oh, God. She's still so mad at us.
Us? I'm not part of this, Lin.
I was always against
everything you were doing.
And I'm really glad to be exactly right.
[SIGHS] Well, I'm still
going to enjoy the parade.
Right. If it ends soon.
Because we got to open the restaurant
- and work there.
- [GENE] Nerd.
Give it up for the Women 65
and Older Community Brass Band.
Also known as the Brassy Biddies.
That's my mom on sousaphone.
Play that funky music, Mom.
And here comes the
Wagstaff School float,
which appears to be a whaling ship.
So cute, so frowned
upon in modern times.
And riding on top is Parade
Ambassador Tammy Larson.
Tammy also goes by the
name of Miss Am I Normal.
Apparently, she wrote
into the school newspaper
with a whole bunch of
intense, puberty-related issues
- and now she's here.
- Ugh.
- Yay.
- [TAMMY] Hi. Hello.
So, Tammy, people really
responded to your letters.
Your refreshing honesty about
your acne and hairs everywhere.
Um, a lot of interesting
stuff is why you
are Wagstaff School Parade Ambassador.
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[CHUCKLES] So, yes.
But just to set the record straight,
I don't have acne. Uh,
definitely not on my butt.
Uh, that's gross. [AWKWARD CHUCKLE]
I don't have any of that gross stuff.
And it turns out my mirror was weird.
And I got a new one.
Uh, so, yeah, I am Miss Am I Normal,
but I'm, like, Miss Totally Normal.
And okay? Um, better.
Better than normal. Better than normal.
- Huh?
- What the ?
- Did she say acne is gross?
- Yeah.
All that vulnerability was nothing?
I guess I'm ashamed of my body again.
No, Zeke, it's good.
Oh, no.
Anyway [CLEARS THROAT] Hello.
I am your parade ambassador.
Future entrepreneur/model/
producer Tammy Larson.
Who wants to see my
hands-in-pocket? Here it is.
Who wants to see my peace
sign, tongue out? Nyah.
And sassy hip pop.
Head tilt. Elegant hand.
Uh-huh, okay.
No, hold on, ten more poses at least.
This is the Whose Monkey Is This? Ooh.
- Mm? This is the ooh!
- Oh, God. Everyone's sad.
I got to do something.
Uh, excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.
So, in conclusion, best parade ever.
Best ambassador ever.
- I don't have zits on my butt.
- Uh
- Um, hi.
- Oh.
- I'm Tina. Belcher.
- Tina. [NERVOUS LAUGH]
What are you doing?
Um, I'm about to breach
all sorts of security
by revealing this
confidential information,
but, um, I'm Ask an Eighth Grader.
- [GASPING]
- I had no idea.
Tina's Ask an Eighth Grader?
Dang. Layers and layers to that girl.
What's going on? Did I
miss the Brassy Biddies?
Anyway, uh, I wanted to say
there is no Miss Am I Normal.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] What? What?!
The letters were fake.
- [GASPING]
- Oh, my God.
I know. I mean, the letters were fake,
but the problems are real.
Like, very, very real.
I don't want to get
graphic, but trust me.
But hopefully they made us all
feel less alone and less gross?
- It was all fake?
- What?
[OVERLAPPING MURMURING]
- The letters were fake?
- That's crazy. - The letters were fake?
I told everyone Ask an
Eighth Grader was a bad idea.
Uh, I didn't know. I thought I
- I-I thought that
- Oh, God.
I just wanted to help. I-I swear.
Hey, guys, don't blame Tina.
I'm Miss Am I Normal.
Me, too. I'm Miss Am I Normal.
I'm Miss Am I Normal.
- Wait, what?
- I'm Miss Am I Normal, too.
Okay.
- I'm Miss Am I Normal!
- I'm Miss Am I Normal.
- I'm Miss Am I Normal.
- I'm Miss Am I Normal.
[ALL] I'm Miss Am I Normal.
I'm Miss Am I Normal.
Why is everybody saying that?
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'm Miss Am I Normal, too.
No, you're not. You're definitely not.
And I'm Miss Let's
Keep This Parade Going.
- [TAMMY STRAINING]
- Up next we've got the float
from the local chapter
of the Order of Pioneers.
Looks like [CHUCKLES]
some kind of wacky fish
made out of trash.
Oh, it's Teddy's float. It looks great.
[TEDDY GRUNTING]
[BOB] Is Teddy inside the fish?
Oh, my God, I think he is.
I don't think that was his plan, was it?
Did it eat him?
[GRUNTING]
[LOUISE] Hey, Teddy. If you're
all right, give us a wink.
[TEDDY GRUNTING]
He's fine.
Tina, I'm so proud of you.
You made a lot of kids feel
better about themselves.
And I really am sorry.
- Mom isn't, but I am.
- Hey.
But also, maybe take some of
that teen stuff advice yourself
because it turns out you
were pretty good at giving it.
So you're welcome for
that big revelation.
I accept your apology that turned into
- patting yourself on the back.
- Oh, good.
When's the next parade, right?
- Oh, tomorrow.
- [PHONE BUZZES]
Teddy's calling. Hi, Teddy.
Hey, uh, nice job with the grouper.
[TEDDY] Bob, I got a situation here.
Good news is, I'm a probationary
member of the Pioneers.
The bad news is, there's
some very unsettling
initiation stuff going on.
You know I'm not comfortable
with knives or heights,
and this is both.
- I might need you to come get me.
- Oh, my God.
And I need you to bring me
a bathrobe and some gauze.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]