Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s15e10 Episode Script
Welcome To Earth
Hey up! I spend a morning trying to find a filly I fancy, and here she is! Keep away! You go to jelly when you see me.
I've really got through to thee! I'll get through to YOU if you don't keep away! Aw, come on.
Don't pretend, Nora.
We both know that I am irresistible! You're stupid.
You should keep out of them places.
Throwing money away! I've just paid a visit to my bank where I have made my usual deposit.
If, by any chance, I should get a winner, it's me and thee for the Orient Express.
Peep-peep! Orient Express?! You'd be more at home on a dustbin lorry.
Thee and Joan Crawford - my kind of women.
Oh, aye.
Tha'll be disappointed tha didn't get a kiss from me.
Might've taken the wrinkles out of them stockings, for a start.
Good morning.
Morning.
CRASH! And, of course, your Japanese infantryman was a formidable enemy.
If you weren't careful, they could slip between your legs.
I remember I remember I was disguised at the time as a native.
I could blend into the jungle.
You wouldn't have seen me if your nose had been an inch from me parang.
Even the natives were amazed.
They were only little people.
They used to call me SING-SONG VOICE: "He who melts in shadow.
" I tell you what.
I could melt in those bushes over there, and you could see if you could spot me.
All right, then.
Please yourself.
And she never got a coat as expensive as that without that lodger having a hand in it.
Hey up! I'll carry that bag.
You'll do no such thing! What are folk going to think if they see me with people carrying me bag? Time folk knew that thee and me have this thing.
I don't have this thing.
I have this thing.
Peep-peep! If you want to make yourself useful, stop pestering me and give Mr Heptonstall a hand.
Aye, thanks.
Grab hold of this.
I could've told thee.
No good comes in life from overstretching yourself.
WAR CRIES How did it happen? Trying to avoid a Howard, that's how it happened.
Are you sure you did the right thing? He's acting very strange.
That'll be a change for Howard(!) No, no.
I mean, really strange.
He had me stretched out on the pavement and never once asked me to help him to get to Marina.
Hang on a minute.
Now what? There's something in my welly.
Yes, there is, indeed, and I wish you'd put it back in again.
What are we walking all this way for, any road? I know why I'M walking.
I'm walking because some fool has rearranged me bicycle.
It was ready for it.
Me best bicycle! Has tha only got one bicycle? That's the one.
Ah-h! Ooh-h! That man! Will you kindly remove yourself? This is an ancient monument.
It was probably sacred.
It's not well-sprung, I can tell you that.
Get up and show respect to your ancestors! Who, for all their problems, never had to worry about some fool rearranging their bicycle(!) Will you just stand here and show a bit of respect! It's just a bit of rock.
It's a very ancient bit of rock, raised here by your ancestors for religious and ceremonial purposes.
Religious?! It's a picnic site.
I like it - a Stone Age picnic site! They probably used to make sacrifices on here.
I'll bet these dark stains are blood.
They could be, you know, they could be blood.
Fancy cutting yourself in the Stone Age and having to wait all that time for an Elastoplast! Human sacrifice.
Some people had to be victims for the good of the community.
Same thing today.
Look what's happened to God-fearing, hard-working, well-mannered people.
Hey up! What's this, then? W-Welcome.
I b-bring thee greetings from my fellow earthmen.
(We've got a right dollop here!) Things are looking up.
What's the fool talking about? How was your journey? Terrible! I got a stone in me welly.
What are you reading? Oh.
It's a field guide to wild flowers.
How long have YOU been interested in wild flowers? Since Tuesday.
I woke up on Tuesday thinking, "I ought to know more about wild flowers.
" I wouldn't mind if everything didn't finish up with the same old passion flower.
Don't know what you mean, love.
What's that on your collar? It's oil on your collar.
How did you get oil on your collar? I had to undo Cleggie from his bicycle.
Ask a stupid question(!) Sorry.
I thought you were them.
Them? According to our calculations, they're due today.
A bus trip? No, visitors.
From out there.
Out where? Out there.
In the vast recesses of the universe, where light from earth has never penetrated.
Barnsley? Outer Space.
You thought we were visitors from Outer Space? Well, HE could be from Outer Space.
Watch it, Penelope, else THA could be running out of space! I must say, this is fascinating, sitting on a cold slab with 'oles in your trousers! Why don't we go for a pint and a bar meal? Let's just mark time a moment.
If people are going to arrive from Outer Space, they ought to be met bysome responsible person.
A trained leader.
Listen, I don't want to appear unduly pessimistic, but suppose they're not friendly? They're friendly.
How does he know they're friendly? According to our calculations.
We don't go into these things blind, you know.
When you say "we," who is this "we" who's doing all these calculations? The club.
Our club.
Of which I have the honour of being Secretary AND Treasurer.
Oh, well, if he's Treasurer, we've definitely got to go for a jar and a bar meal! Are we allowed to know the name of this club? There's no secret.
It's the Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
Are there many extra-terrestrials in Heckmondwike? That's what you get! That's what we get all the time - dozy beggars taking the wee-wee! Undoing Clegg from a bicycle, he said.
It makes you wonder where they get these bizarre ideas.
My Barry's not allowed bizarre ideas.
No shortage of people round here with barmy ideas! I blame tight underwear.
Noticed how weird the world's gone since they invented jockey shorts? Harold doesn't wear jockey shorts.
I should hope he doesn't, at his age.
Don't tell me the world's improved since they invented jockey shorts.
Probably all right where they belong.
On jockeys.
I can say this about my Wesley.
He usually dresses casually.
And apart from his fascination with things mechanical, I can usually trust him to behave sensibly.
CRASH! You know, I think he's an idiot.
Oh, I should say definitely.
He's an idiot! Not just him.
There's an entire club.
Butsuppose they could be right? Give over, Foggy, tha's as daft as he is.
They're not the only people who believe this stuff, you know.
It's world-wide.
There must be something in it.
I was just thinking what a prestigious event it would be if we happened to witness it.
A historical moment! Plus, there'd be a few bob to be made, selling the story.
When you say, "According to our club's calculations", who actually is doing the calculations? Darren.
Just Darren? The whole weight of inter-galactic travel is hanging on Darren? He's got a computer.
Oh-h! Is it any good for forecasting the gee-gees? Which direction are you expecting them from? Probablyprobably that one.
Oh, I see.
Via Huddersfield.
I'm all right, just a bit shaken.
Whatever were you doing on Norman Clegg's weird bicycle? About 90 miles an hour, I expect.
At least he wasn't wearing it round his collar.
Wait! Just a minute.
It's a good job he landed on something soft, although Mrs Hemingway didn't think so.
I do wish your father hadn't fallen on Mrs Hemingway! Of all the women in the street, he had to fall on Mrs Hemingway! Mother, she wasn't hurt.
And it saved me father.
I don't want him saved by Mrs Hemingway.
She'll spread it all over.
Looked to me like it was Mrs Hemingway being spread all over! She's got the figure for it.
Fan him with his cap.
I always fanned mine with his cap.
Does he know where he is? The front lounge.
By, it must be years since I've relaxed in here, and never in me overalls! And don't start thinking you can make a habit of it.
But if they do come, this is an important occasion.
Where's the reception committee? What d'you think I am? Just you? Well, I am Club Secretary.
Dammit, man, couldn't you have made a bit more ceremony than this? I asked Darren, but his missus wants to go shopping.
Just a minute.
If this mob come from Lord know's where, they could land anywhere.
Why so sure they'll land here? Darren's worked it out.
On his computer.
He's told them to turn left at Huddersfield(!) We're not a bunch of wallies.
This is all worked out scientifically.
Well, it's not very military, I can tell you that.
If I'd been organising this, you'd have had a band, a guard of honour.
Lucky I came along.
If they do land, I can get my chaps here into a small guard of honour.
Pity about the band, but still Just a minute, Genius, just a minute.
How can tha be so sure they'll land just here? We don't leave these things to chance.
We're using this, a powerful homing device.
That's a powerful homing device? It's a bleeper.
It WAS a bleeper.
It looks like a bleeper.
But it's highly modified.
It's now a homing device, sending signals to the farthest corners of the universe.
What's it run on? Two little batteries.
To the farthest corners of the universe?! It has been prepared professionally.
Mostyn did it.
Mostyn works for BT.
Mostyn's a genius with electronics.
BOTH: "Mostyn's a ge-nius with electronics"(!) I think we've cracked it this time.
If anybody sees us, they'll think we're two amateur botanists looking for the lesser stitchwort.
And if anybody gets close, all we have to do is start peering through the lens.
They can't tell who it is once we're behind the lens.
What are we supposed to be looking for, Howard? The lesser stitchwort.
Are you sure a girl's going to like it if she finds it? No, no, no! Stand up straight, shoulders back, shoulders back! Now, supposing this spacecraft should land, don't gawp like yokels.
You will remain rigidly at attention.
First impressions are important.
I don't want these extra-territorials thinking what a sloppy mob we are down here.
Nobody's going to come! Stand properly.
There is always the possibility.
One has to be prepared.
Come on, Foggy.
He's the only one from Outer Space.
No, there's Darren and Mostyn.
I'm going for a jar in the pub.
You have not been dismissed.
And what are we going to do about him? Bring him too.
He looks ready for a bar meal.
He can't walk away from his duty like that.
Are they good bar meals? Yes.
Not bad.
I could murder a bar meal! What about your visitors? If they come, Mostyn's arranged for a signal.
BOTH: Mostyn's a ge-nius with electronics! LOUD LAUGHTER Visitors from Outer Space? That's what we get all the time, dozy prollocks taking the wee-wee.
How d'you know they're coming today? Ah! Because Darren has worked it out on his computer! LAUGHTER You'll laugh on the other side of your face when the bleeper goes.
This is his Early Warning System.
LAUGHTER No, I think you should send a photographer and a reporter, just in case.
It's not just some local wally, it's the Secretary of the Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
They have landed! What's up? Flying saucers are landed.
Mrs Norbury heard it from t'paper.
Flying saucers have landed?! I like it when it gets dark early.
I think basically I'm a night creature.
I thought you had to be in by tea-time.
Not tonight.
Pearl's visiting.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! CLANG! I think I'll move me lens.
I love you when you confide in me.
But how are we meant to be looking for flowers in the dark? You are a genius, Howard! Close your eyes.
Before we start, I've got a present for you.
Something that will always keep us closer together.
Oh, Howard! What is it? It's a bleeper.
It'll find me wherever I am.
When can I use it? At any time, love.
Except Monday to Friday.
And the hours of darkness, Saturday and Sunday, are not advisable.
Except possibly around 3.
30, when she's having her nap.
CONTINUOUS BLEEPING Oh, Howard! I can hear you bleeping, Howard! BLEEPING Darren's never wrong on the computer.
Hey! Flying saucers have landed up on t'moor! People are streaming up there.
Turn your lights off, turn them off! Turn your lights off! Life on distant planets? What we want is some life round 'ere! (SLURRED:) We have a Quiz Night on Thursday.
Oh, yes? Aliens, is it(?) On behalf of Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club, I bring thee greetings from Earth.
Bug off, you dozy prawn! It were that damn phone call to the newspapers.
All I did was warn them to stand by.
How long do we push this thing? Keep it steady.
Keep what steady? Whatever tha does, don't go over any bumps.
Me brakes have gone! HE-ELP! What? His brakes.
Brakes! CRASHING Welcome to Earth! Makes you wonder what sort of planet they come from.
I've really got through to thee! I'll get through to YOU if you don't keep away! Aw, come on.
Don't pretend, Nora.
We both know that I am irresistible! You're stupid.
You should keep out of them places.
Throwing money away! I've just paid a visit to my bank where I have made my usual deposit.
If, by any chance, I should get a winner, it's me and thee for the Orient Express.
Peep-peep! Orient Express?! You'd be more at home on a dustbin lorry.
Thee and Joan Crawford - my kind of women.
Oh, aye.
Tha'll be disappointed tha didn't get a kiss from me.
Might've taken the wrinkles out of them stockings, for a start.
Good morning.
Morning.
CRASH! And, of course, your Japanese infantryman was a formidable enemy.
If you weren't careful, they could slip between your legs.
I remember I remember I was disguised at the time as a native.
I could blend into the jungle.
You wouldn't have seen me if your nose had been an inch from me parang.
Even the natives were amazed.
They were only little people.
They used to call me SING-SONG VOICE: "He who melts in shadow.
" I tell you what.
I could melt in those bushes over there, and you could see if you could spot me.
All right, then.
Please yourself.
And she never got a coat as expensive as that without that lodger having a hand in it.
Hey up! I'll carry that bag.
You'll do no such thing! What are folk going to think if they see me with people carrying me bag? Time folk knew that thee and me have this thing.
I don't have this thing.
I have this thing.
Peep-peep! If you want to make yourself useful, stop pestering me and give Mr Heptonstall a hand.
Aye, thanks.
Grab hold of this.
I could've told thee.
No good comes in life from overstretching yourself.
WAR CRIES How did it happen? Trying to avoid a Howard, that's how it happened.
Are you sure you did the right thing? He's acting very strange.
That'll be a change for Howard(!) No, no.
I mean, really strange.
He had me stretched out on the pavement and never once asked me to help him to get to Marina.
Hang on a minute.
Now what? There's something in my welly.
Yes, there is, indeed, and I wish you'd put it back in again.
What are we walking all this way for, any road? I know why I'M walking.
I'm walking because some fool has rearranged me bicycle.
It was ready for it.
Me best bicycle! Has tha only got one bicycle? That's the one.
Ah-h! Ooh-h! That man! Will you kindly remove yourself? This is an ancient monument.
It was probably sacred.
It's not well-sprung, I can tell you that.
Get up and show respect to your ancestors! Who, for all their problems, never had to worry about some fool rearranging their bicycle(!) Will you just stand here and show a bit of respect! It's just a bit of rock.
It's a very ancient bit of rock, raised here by your ancestors for religious and ceremonial purposes.
Religious?! It's a picnic site.
I like it - a Stone Age picnic site! They probably used to make sacrifices on here.
I'll bet these dark stains are blood.
They could be, you know, they could be blood.
Fancy cutting yourself in the Stone Age and having to wait all that time for an Elastoplast! Human sacrifice.
Some people had to be victims for the good of the community.
Same thing today.
Look what's happened to God-fearing, hard-working, well-mannered people.
Hey up! What's this, then? W-Welcome.
I b-bring thee greetings from my fellow earthmen.
(We've got a right dollop here!) Things are looking up.
What's the fool talking about? How was your journey? Terrible! I got a stone in me welly.
What are you reading? Oh.
It's a field guide to wild flowers.
How long have YOU been interested in wild flowers? Since Tuesday.
I woke up on Tuesday thinking, "I ought to know more about wild flowers.
" I wouldn't mind if everything didn't finish up with the same old passion flower.
Don't know what you mean, love.
What's that on your collar? It's oil on your collar.
How did you get oil on your collar? I had to undo Cleggie from his bicycle.
Ask a stupid question(!) Sorry.
I thought you were them.
Them? According to our calculations, they're due today.
A bus trip? No, visitors.
From out there.
Out where? Out there.
In the vast recesses of the universe, where light from earth has never penetrated.
Barnsley? Outer Space.
You thought we were visitors from Outer Space? Well, HE could be from Outer Space.
Watch it, Penelope, else THA could be running out of space! I must say, this is fascinating, sitting on a cold slab with 'oles in your trousers! Why don't we go for a pint and a bar meal? Let's just mark time a moment.
If people are going to arrive from Outer Space, they ought to be met bysome responsible person.
A trained leader.
Listen, I don't want to appear unduly pessimistic, but suppose they're not friendly? They're friendly.
How does he know they're friendly? According to our calculations.
We don't go into these things blind, you know.
When you say "we," who is this "we" who's doing all these calculations? The club.
Our club.
Of which I have the honour of being Secretary AND Treasurer.
Oh, well, if he's Treasurer, we've definitely got to go for a jar and a bar meal! Are we allowed to know the name of this club? There's no secret.
It's the Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
Are there many extra-terrestrials in Heckmondwike? That's what you get! That's what we get all the time - dozy beggars taking the wee-wee! Undoing Clegg from a bicycle, he said.
It makes you wonder where they get these bizarre ideas.
My Barry's not allowed bizarre ideas.
No shortage of people round here with barmy ideas! I blame tight underwear.
Noticed how weird the world's gone since they invented jockey shorts? Harold doesn't wear jockey shorts.
I should hope he doesn't, at his age.
Don't tell me the world's improved since they invented jockey shorts.
Probably all right where they belong.
On jockeys.
I can say this about my Wesley.
He usually dresses casually.
And apart from his fascination with things mechanical, I can usually trust him to behave sensibly.
CRASH! You know, I think he's an idiot.
Oh, I should say definitely.
He's an idiot! Not just him.
There's an entire club.
Butsuppose they could be right? Give over, Foggy, tha's as daft as he is.
They're not the only people who believe this stuff, you know.
It's world-wide.
There must be something in it.
I was just thinking what a prestigious event it would be if we happened to witness it.
A historical moment! Plus, there'd be a few bob to be made, selling the story.
When you say, "According to our club's calculations", who actually is doing the calculations? Darren.
Just Darren? The whole weight of inter-galactic travel is hanging on Darren? He's got a computer.
Oh-h! Is it any good for forecasting the gee-gees? Which direction are you expecting them from? Probablyprobably that one.
Oh, I see.
Via Huddersfield.
I'm all right, just a bit shaken.
Whatever were you doing on Norman Clegg's weird bicycle? About 90 miles an hour, I expect.
At least he wasn't wearing it round his collar.
Wait! Just a minute.
It's a good job he landed on something soft, although Mrs Hemingway didn't think so.
I do wish your father hadn't fallen on Mrs Hemingway! Of all the women in the street, he had to fall on Mrs Hemingway! Mother, she wasn't hurt.
And it saved me father.
I don't want him saved by Mrs Hemingway.
She'll spread it all over.
Looked to me like it was Mrs Hemingway being spread all over! She's got the figure for it.
Fan him with his cap.
I always fanned mine with his cap.
Does he know where he is? The front lounge.
By, it must be years since I've relaxed in here, and never in me overalls! And don't start thinking you can make a habit of it.
But if they do come, this is an important occasion.
Where's the reception committee? What d'you think I am? Just you? Well, I am Club Secretary.
Dammit, man, couldn't you have made a bit more ceremony than this? I asked Darren, but his missus wants to go shopping.
Just a minute.
If this mob come from Lord know's where, they could land anywhere.
Why so sure they'll land here? Darren's worked it out.
On his computer.
He's told them to turn left at Huddersfield(!) We're not a bunch of wallies.
This is all worked out scientifically.
Well, it's not very military, I can tell you that.
If I'd been organising this, you'd have had a band, a guard of honour.
Lucky I came along.
If they do land, I can get my chaps here into a small guard of honour.
Pity about the band, but still Just a minute, Genius, just a minute.
How can tha be so sure they'll land just here? We don't leave these things to chance.
We're using this, a powerful homing device.
That's a powerful homing device? It's a bleeper.
It WAS a bleeper.
It looks like a bleeper.
But it's highly modified.
It's now a homing device, sending signals to the farthest corners of the universe.
What's it run on? Two little batteries.
To the farthest corners of the universe?! It has been prepared professionally.
Mostyn did it.
Mostyn works for BT.
Mostyn's a genius with electronics.
BOTH: "Mostyn's a ge-nius with electronics"(!) I think we've cracked it this time.
If anybody sees us, they'll think we're two amateur botanists looking for the lesser stitchwort.
And if anybody gets close, all we have to do is start peering through the lens.
They can't tell who it is once we're behind the lens.
What are we supposed to be looking for, Howard? The lesser stitchwort.
Are you sure a girl's going to like it if she finds it? No, no, no! Stand up straight, shoulders back, shoulders back! Now, supposing this spacecraft should land, don't gawp like yokels.
You will remain rigidly at attention.
First impressions are important.
I don't want these extra-territorials thinking what a sloppy mob we are down here.
Nobody's going to come! Stand properly.
There is always the possibility.
One has to be prepared.
Come on, Foggy.
He's the only one from Outer Space.
No, there's Darren and Mostyn.
I'm going for a jar in the pub.
You have not been dismissed.
And what are we going to do about him? Bring him too.
He looks ready for a bar meal.
He can't walk away from his duty like that.
Are they good bar meals? Yes.
Not bad.
I could murder a bar meal! What about your visitors? If they come, Mostyn's arranged for a signal.
BOTH: Mostyn's a ge-nius with electronics! LOUD LAUGHTER Visitors from Outer Space? That's what we get all the time, dozy prollocks taking the wee-wee.
How d'you know they're coming today? Ah! Because Darren has worked it out on his computer! LAUGHTER You'll laugh on the other side of your face when the bleeper goes.
This is his Early Warning System.
LAUGHTER No, I think you should send a photographer and a reporter, just in case.
It's not just some local wally, it's the Secretary of the Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club.
They have landed! What's up? Flying saucers are landed.
Mrs Norbury heard it from t'paper.
Flying saucers have landed?! I like it when it gets dark early.
I think basically I'm a night creature.
I thought you had to be in by tea-time.
Not tonight.
Pearl's visiting.
Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina! CLANG! I think I'll move me lens.
I love you when you confide in me.
But how are we meant to be looking for flowers in the dark? You are a genius, Howard! Close your eyes.
Before we start, I've got a present for you.
Something that will always keep us closer together.
Oh, Howard! What is it? It's a bleeper.
It'll find me wherever I am.
When can I use it? At any time, love.
Except Monday to Friday.
And the hours of darkness, Saturday and Sunday, are not advisable.
Except possibly around 3.
30, when she's having her nap.
CONTINUOUS BLEEPING Oh, Howard! I can hear you bleeping, Howard! BLEEPING Darren's never wrong on the computer.
Hey! Flying saucers have landed up on t'moor! People are streaming up there.
Turn your lights off, turn them off! Turn your lights off! Life on distant planets? What we want is some life round 'ere! (SLURRED:) We have a Quiz Night on Thursday.
Oh, yes? Aliens, is it(?) On behalf of Heckmondwike Extra-Terrestrial Club, I bring thee greetings from Earth.
Bug off, you dozy prawn! It were that damn phone call to the newspapers.
All I did was warn them to stand by.
How long do we push this thing? Keep it steady.
Keep what steady? Whatever tha does, don't go over any bumps.
Me brakes have gone! HE-ELP! What? His brakes.
Brakes! CRASHING Welcome to Earth! Makes you wonder what sort of planet they come from.