South Park s15e10 Episode Script

You guys! You're never gonna guess what! Seriously, guess what? - Why? - You know Pete Melman? - Fourth grade, Mr.
Bard's class? - The blond kid? - Pete Melman.
- What about him? He crapped his pants today during social studies.
He had to go to the nurse's office, and his mom brought him new jeans! - How do you know? - Because it's all over Eavesdropper.
- Eavesdropper? - What's that? You don't follow Eavesdropper? It's a website about all the students.
Did you guys see Eavesdropper? Melman shit his pants.
I'm showing the guys.
Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom.
Listen.
Hello, Mrs.
Melman.
This is the school nurse.
I'm afraid your son has had a little accident.
- What is it? - Turn it up.
It's not serious, but he went number two during class.
I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear.
And a clean pair of socks.
- Did you see Eavesdropper? - We're listening to it.
That's so wrong.
Pete Melman pooed his pants and his mom brought him new undies.
What do we call him when we see him? I was thinking Poopypants Pete, but then I also thought of Mushpants Melman.
Attention, students.
Will the following student report to the principal's office immediately: Eric Cartman.
Jesus, what now? As you might have heard, a student here had an accident in the classroom.
I know.
Pete Melman crapped his pants.
So freaking funny.
But you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny.
For him, it's embarrassing and terrifying.
That's why it's super funny to me.
It has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants at school.
You remember what happened to him? He killed himself.
And the reason he killed himself was that the ridicule and the torment from other students spearheaded by you Spearheaded by you, made him feel there was no way out.
We've been through this.
You cannot put his death on me.
I'm not the one who crapped his pants.
We are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete.
Just let it go.
You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who, excuse my language, I have to be harsh, a kid who shit in his pants in front of everyone to just ignore that so he can have a normal life? We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, the other students might forget about it.
You really think information like this will die down? There's Internet.
There's Eavesdropper.
You might be worried he's gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants.
All right, here's the deal.
This school cannot have another suicide on its hands.
We want you to see Pete Melman through this and turn public opinion around.
Too crazy! It can't be done! If Pete Melman does not kill himself, we will make it very worth your while.
You aren't listening Make it worth my while how? - No way.
- What's up? Got a video of Pete's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper.
- That's fuck up.
- Come on, it's pretty funny.
It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a website for everyone to see? - That's pretty funny.
- It's mega duper hilarious.
- What's up? - What do you want? You hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up? It's gross.
What you doing for lunch? My mom packed me the best stuff.
- She even baked cupcakes.
- So what? I was just thinking maybe we could eat lunch together.
I've always kind of liked you.
- I don't like you.
- I know you don't like me back This was stupid.
I'm sorry.
Just take the cupcake.
Don't take the I'm sorry I wasted your time.
Wait.
I'm sorry.
That was mean.
I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes.
Now, number 17, many of you got wrong as well.
The correct answer was D.
Whales are a mammals.
Not fish.
- You're all right? - I'm fine.
I just Can I be excused? Excused? We are in the middle of class.
- What's the matter? - I need to go to the restroom.
I don't think that's quite fair.
You rarely let us leave during a class.
I gotta go now.
Give it a couple of minutes.
Could just be a cramp.
I got to Oh, my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! Did you guys hear that? It's way worse than Pete Melman was! Gross! The doctors say Jenny Simons barely survived the fall.
Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis.
Cool.
Not cool! She's on suicide watch.
She's given up on life.
You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself.
By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than him, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper.
That wasn't the point.
Nobody was supposed to kill themselves.
Unless you fix this, our deal is off.
Nobody can be made fun of, and nobody can die? Jesus Christ.
Those tests we took last week, how did we do on those? Our students did average, maybe just below average.
They all did awesome.
Our students did so good that you decided to reward them all.
At lunch, you're serving the students Pizza Hut, but we're going to put laxatives and horsey sauce, so that everyone craps their pants after recess.
Nobody's singled out, problem solved.
That's insane! If you have a better idea, why am I here? It's counselor Mackey.
How long would it take to organize a pizza Friday? They actually did really well on those state exams.
Eavesdropper found an email from Jenny's boyfriend calling her Soft Serve Simons.
- That's not funny.
- Here's a post about Token.
Token's private gym photos.
I'm not looking at that.
Come on, it's funny.
It wouldn't be if that was something about you.
- I wouldn't care.
- Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thomson has a hot butt crack.
In an email sent yesterday to Kenny McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote, "You should have been in PE today.
"Elise's butt crack was totally showing.
" He went on to call her butt crack "nice," and that the whole experience was "pretty awesome.
" - What the fuck? - What? How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my email? - I don't know.
- You let everybody read your emails? That was a private email from me to you.
You like looking at girls' butt cracks? I should get out of here.
I was telling Kenny he would like it.
Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am? It was just a quick email.
News stories pop up every hour.
People will forget.
You didn't email anybody else about her butt crack, right? This is an issue of trust and privacy.
We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper.
So, just to be completely clear, now, it isn't funny, right? What funny about hacked private lives? Especially when they're writing your boyfriend's addicted to crack.
Shut up! We have to find out who's running Eavesdropper.
I've done a wide profile and narrowed it down to somebody in this room.
Whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch, and - It's not someone in this room.
- What? How do you know? Because whoever it is just now posted a new story.
An embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker.
Wait Where is it from? If it's on the school network, we can track the address.
This way.
In here.
He's using the computer in the music room.
We only have music class on Thursdays.
Of course.
A kid could go there, and nobody would know! Get ready.
Whoever's in here is hacking our emails and phone calls.
- You guys ready? - I'm ready.
Get it! Don't let him get away! - He's gone! - What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper? It says here its name is Wikileaks.
I come with news of great gravity.
Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking emails.
And I'm afraid the news get worse.
The creature doing this is your brother, Wikileaks! Wikileaks The phone hacker with a heart of doom Everyone knows the Gerbil King But no one never speaks Of Lemmiwinks' brother The evil Wikileaks One again, Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world.
Only you can stop him.
Lemmiwinks, king of gerbils Stop your brother of doom It's just so embarrassing.
What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab? It's OK.
Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too.
- Really? You too? - That's just between us, OK? Of course.
I'm glad I shared this with you.
Stop that rat! I just want you to know that I have a huge crush on you, and A few more laxatives on that one.
A little more horsey sauce on there.
- Is this one good? - I think they're all ready.
You sure this will work? - What if some students don't eat it? - It doesn't matter.
Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget.
All right, get back to class.
We don't want anyone seeing you with us.
Hold on just a second.
I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment.
I won't let you screw me over again.
Give me what I wanted now.
All right.
Bring her in, Adler.
Oh, my God! Selena Gomez! You got her to come! I understand you wanted to meet me.
Want to get a picture together? No, thanks.
Proceed.
I'm sorry about this.
Get her the fuck out of here.
You got what you wanted.
Are we straight? That was amazing.
Get back to class.
Get rid of those laxative bottles.
Trash all the sauce packages too.
There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here.
What the Shit! Stop that rat! All right, we should probably get going now.
The time is nigh.
Let us chase your destiny.
Sparrow Prince, what news do you bring? Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment.
The birds are tweeting he's about to release his biggest story.
Then the moment is truly here.
Come, Lemmiwinks, let us make haste.
His heart is so heavy.
I weep for him.
Indeed, could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother? Thank God I don't have to make that decision.
We might need to bring in some outside help.
You see? Eavesdropper's biggest story ever is coming out this afternoon.
Biggest story about who? There's no telling.
It could be about any of us.
Well met, children of Adam.
I am Catatafish.
Catatafish of the stomach's cove I come asking for your help.
There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks, but right now, Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner.
- Our old class gerbil? - What is that thing? I am Catatafish.
I'm a great wizard, and I'm a friend.
And I'm a ghost, besides, of course, being a fish.
Catatafish's tale will soon be told Do you know why a gerbil is putting our secrets on the Internet? He does it purely for reasons of evil.
His treachery is not limited to humans.
Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me too.
He posted on his website that I had sex with an underage fish, and that she performed bass to mouth.
You will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all.
But the choice is yours.
I'm not here to make you do anything.
Like that underage salmon.
I didn't make her do anything.
If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault? Catatafish made the salmon suck ass hole It's being exaggerated again! Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is, so we can kill this stupid rat.
Careful, child, Wikileaks is anything but stupid.
Except when he said I made that fish perform ass to trout.
Stupid and untrue.
Did I say ass to trout? I meant bass to mouth.
Though it's basically the same thing.
Not that I did it.
- Are we sure we're alone? - We're alone.
What the hell are we gonna do? What can we do? We're all gonna get fired.
This story hasn't gone up yet.
Maybe it won't.
Right.
Faculty tries to poison their students.
That's not gonna be on Eavesdropper.
Let's just face it.
We made our beds.
We have to lie in them.
We just tried to keep another student from killing themselves.
We're not bad.
We're not bad.
Maybe what we need is to think outside the box.
If there's anything we've learned, is that the only thing that makes a story go away is a juicier story.
What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick? A student committing suicide? That's right.
Corey Duran killed himself last year.
We're still dealing with the fallout.
Maybe there is a way out of this.
But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus.
How do we do that? We get a bus, and then we throw Eric Cartman under it.
- Does a Vernon Trumpski live here? - Vernon's around somewhere.
Come on, guys.
Excuse me.
There he is.
It's Lemmiwinks! - We need something to carry him in.
- Here's a shoe box.
- What are you doing with my gerbil? - We just need to borrow him.
Mom! Some kids are stealing my gerbil! We don't have much time.
Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever.
Lemmiwinks can stop him.
Mom! There's no time.
You must take Lemmiwinks now! Grab him.
Mom! Quickly! We must get to the school! Wait! Run, run The battle's on Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks - Can't this thing go any faster? - Hang on, Lemmiwinks! Go, Lemmiwinks Stop Wikileaks Still clear? Nothing on the website yet.
Faster, driver! The final battle is about to begin! Go, Lemmiwinks Stop Wikileaks What the hell happened? He killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself.
Did you see that? Why would he do it? Wait, here's a suicide note.
"Dead guys, I just cannot go on, m'kay.
"I'm tired of being fat, m'kay, and I have to end it all, m'kay.
" Can this wait? We have the only way to stop Eavesdropper.
Why the hell didn't you say so? Let's go! To battle! Quickly! While Lemmiwinks still has it in him! You have chosen a path of evil, and now, you shall pay.
Sparrow Prince! Catatafish! He is fucking him up.
I think Lemmiwinks killed him.
He did it.
Let's just delete all this tabloid garbage.
I'm sure glad that's over with.
We all learned a lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes.
I'll say.
I know we kind of threw you under the bus, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice.
It's OK.
I'm totally over it.
I think you're being very mature about this.
It was an overly generous move for you to give all the faculty those cupcakes.
- I want to thank you.
- You are most certainly welcome.
Students, why don't we You feeling all right? I'll be right back It's bad! Excuse me, kids.
I need to run I put a lot of horsey sauce on this.
Somebody get me some paper towel, or maybe a It's bad! Congratulations, Lemmiwinks.
Thanks to you, private lives will stay private.
We are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth.
Just one question.
How does it feel to have killed your own brother? He's devastated.