Family Guy s15e13 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Ugh.
This is gonna suck.
80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.
Yeah, back in my day you had to be a triple threat to even get on that stage.
You were a triple threat? I sure was.
I could sing, dance, and guess the weight of any baby that was tossed to me.
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy Eight pounds! Yankee Doodle do or die 12-nine! A big one! A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam Born on the Fourth of July Three pounds? Someone couldn't wait to be here.
(SONG ENDS) Did that really happen? Nah, I just lip-synced "Born to Run.
" The show is about to start.
I-Is Daddy still parking the car? Yes.
Everything takes him longer these days.
His cataracts are getting worse.
Hey, Lois, look over there It's Jessica Chastain.
Oh, Daddy, that's Bryce Dallas Howard.
You're blind as a bat.
Okay, for the first of our 65 performances tonight - WOMAN: You got to be kidding! - MAN: Son of a bitch! I agree.
Now please welcome Meg Griffin and Ruth Cochammer.
No laughing.
RUTH: It's "Coke-a-mer"! Not in the boys' room it isn't.
(INTRO TO "NUTHIN' BU A 'G' THANG" PLAYING) One, two, three and to the four Meg Meggy Meg and Dr.
Ruth is at the door Wake up, people, Monsanto is poisoning the world with frankenfoods, and we're letting it happen.
Monsanto equals murder! - Monsanto equals murder! - That's enough.
I am so sick of this being used as a platform to attack genetically modified foods.
You can't silence the truth! What, what? It's over, Patty.
PETER: Hi, Patty.
I like Patty.
Okay, up next, here's Evelyn Fong, our 11-year-old high school junior.
(APPLAUSE) (PLAYING BEAUTIFUL, LILTING MELODY) (MELODY ENDS) Oh, my God.
What is that? It's it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
It's a violin, Peter.
And now, two football players are going to do something that only makes sense to the rest of the football team.
Coach, the bus is here.
This is an away game? - (LAUGHTER) - It's true! Remember that happened? (CHUCKLES) Those are the kids I bought beer for.
- I got to take a leak.
- Daddy, you can't see.
Let me help you to the bathroom.
I can see fine.
All right, there's only so many seats on the bus.
One of you will have to sit next to me.
I will, Coach.
(FOOTBALL PLAYERS LAUGHING) PLAYER: Oh! He talked on the whole bus ride! (PLAYER LAUGHING) (URINATING) How are you, gentlemen Dude! What the hell? Whoa! With cataracts like those, someone needs a big pair of glasses.
Hey! Jessica Chastain! I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.
I wish I hadn't! I can't see anything now! This is terrible! Well, tha-that's why the whole family came to support you.
Oh, really? Oh, wow, that's so kind.
Who's here? Oh, uh, well, as you know, I'm here.
- Who else? - Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Hey, hope you feel better soon.
That doesn't sound like the whole family.
(LIKE PETER): Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop.
It's me, Peter.
Shipoopi.
Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.
(LIKE CHRIS): I-I'm here, too, Grandpa.
And, uh, and Meg went down to-to put money in the meter.
Aw, I don't care.
Now, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, your vision will be impaired for a few weeks while you recover.
I recommend you and your wife have someone around to help you during this time.
Well, I'd love to help you, Daddy, but Stewie's just been so fussy lately.
He's constantly crying for no reason.
What are you talking about? I'm fine.
Ow! Bitch! She does this a lot! You know, maybe Brian could help you.
He could be your service dog.
(QUIETLY): Come on, Lois, I don't want to do that.
Your father and I have nothing in common.
Brian, please.
If you do this for me, you'll be a hero just like King Arthur when he pulled the sword from the stone.
(SUSTAINED FARTING) (CONTINUES FARTING) Oh yeah! Whew! Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
(CONTINUES FARTING) I'm so sorry.
It's been, like, 500 years.
Aw, this is your big moment and I'm ruining it.
(PLAYING BADLY) Peter, what the hell are you doing? I'm learning violin.
It's kind of like my new hobby.
Well, if we're talking about new hobbies What is this? It's a Mason jar filled with layered sand.
You can put it in your bathroom or anywhere you want to feel peaceful.
Now it's nothing.
I always liked the violin, 'cause it kind of has curves like a lady.
Hey, you know what? Maybe you guys can learn an instrument, too, and then we could all play together.
Really? That sounds like a lot of work.
Yeah, no offense, muchacho, but I don't know if I have time for that, muchacho.
Yeah, you're doing "muchacho" wrong.
Come on, guys, it could be cool.
I did play the oboe in high school, and the girls wouldn't leave me alone.
Girls do like guys in a band.
I'm in.
Giggity.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, Quagmire, you are so predictable.
And that's why I love you, muchacho.
See? That's how you do "muchacho.
" And, you know, there's four of us We could be a string quartet.
All right, I'll do it.
But first you guys got to do one thing for me.
Sure, Joe.
What is it? I want you to put me in the booth.
I want to feel like a person for a second.
Aw, yeah, sure, no problem.
All right, Quagmire, you do upper, I'll do lower? Sure.
Let's do it! (STRAINED GRUNTING) Wow.
Thanks, guys.
Uh-oh.
(THUD) Hey, guys, guys, put him back up.
I just thought of something.
(LOWERING PITCH) (THUD) (GIGGLES) This is gonna be a blast.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, your service dog has arrived.
- Hey, Carter.
- Brian! Y-You have a butler? Then why am I here? - Why can't he help you? - What? That's stupid.
Who would announce him? See, this right here, this is the one-percenter crap I can't stand.
Yes, it is.
Now, sit your 99-percenter ass down and read me the comics.
(GROANS) Okay.
The Wizard of Id is addressing his subjects.
- Is he up on that balcony? - Yes.
Ha-ha! Then it's a good one.
(PETER PLAYING OUT OF TUNE) Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Peter, what note are you playing? I-I'm sorry, I'm not familiar.
Note? Haven't you been practicing? All right, fine, I haven't.
But I've been doing other violin stuff.
Like I bought this jacket like what Bugs Bunny wears when he's with that opera guy.
Wow, that looks sharp.
Yeah, I've been practicing how to sit down in it.
Ew, Peter, those tails are soaking wet.
They may have been in the toilet.
Brian! Get in here! Wh-What's up? What do you need? I'm done with my bath.
Put on this lady wig - and help me out of the tub.
- What? Why do I have to wear a wig? Otherwise it's weird.
Thank you, Penelope.
Hey, it's 4:30 time for dinner.
But first, grab that Gold Bond and powder my speed bag.
Ah.
There's the tingle.
Wow, so you can just bypass all that gridlock? Having a helicopter's amazing! And that's not all I also use it to throw boxes of frogs down on that church.
(LAUGHS): They go bananas! Boy, I could really get used to this rich guy stuff.
Funny, funny, funny what money can do Them that have it Get more of it Less they need it The more they love it And it sticks to them Like glue Funny, funny, funny what money can do Ask the rich man He'll confess Money can't buy Happiness Ask the poor man He don't doubt But he'd rather be miserable with than without If you spend it Please be wiser If you save it You're a miser You don't want it You're cuckoo Funny, funny, funny what money can do You guys, I got great news! Some skank I used to bang is getting married, and they need someone to play at the ceremony.
- We got our first gig! - Wow, a wedding that's awesome! All right, then we should probably practice our piece.
(PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH" WITH PETER OUT OF TUNE) Wait, hold on, hold on.
Peter, uh, that's terrible.
You sounded like you were strangling a cat.
Well, I was that's how I got revved up to perform.
No, just now.
Look, it's clear that you still haven't practiced at all.
Yeah, this was your idea in the first place, but you're the only one who's done no work.
No work? I stared in a mirror for hours playing air violin to the song "Bittersweet Symphony.
" Peter, you're out of the group.
What?! Well, fine.
Screw you guys! (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) Wow, he seemed pretty angry.
Yeah, I haven't seen him this upset since he got caught using that fake ID.
Can I see your ID, please? Give me one second.
Uh, sir, that lady who came in and ate all the pies is back.
Okay, let's see how those eyes are doing.
See if you can tell me where Waldo is.
He's right there buying an ice cream cone.
Damn it! I've been stuck on that page for two days.
Oh, and your eyes are fine.
Hey, that's terrific, Carter! Seems like it's time to go home and pour some of that Scotch of yours to celebrate.
That sounds like a great idea.
See you later.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you talking about? I meant, like like, both of us.
Didn't you hear him? I'm all healed.
I don't need a service dog anymore.
What are you saying? I'm saying I'm done with you.
Now, before I go, I'm just gonna old-man drink this glass of water.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Now, to take an old man pee.
(DOOR OPENS) Ow.
Ow.
(SHORT SPLASHES) Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
(SHORT SPLASHES CONTINUE) Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
(SHORT SPLASH) Ow.
Oh, Brian, just in time for dinner.
We're having sloppy Joes.
Eh, what else you got? How about a knuckle sandwich? If Peter said that, you all would've lost your minds laughing.
It's just that at Carter's house, if you don't want something heavy, Étienne will whip you up an egg dish with some shallots and chanterelles or whatever's fresh.
Yeah, I know all about Étienne.
He climbed into my bed when I was 11.
I'm sure this is a step down for you, Bri, but now you're back in the real world where our poop stinks, and we all eat garbage.
Yeah, I guess I got used to being a little pampered over at Carter's.
Well, I'd be careful with your uptown ways.
Some of the other kids don't like it.
(LOUD MUNCHING) (SNORTING) He thinks he's better than us.
What time you going to bed, fancy boy? I don't know.
9:00? 9:00, Chris.
Look, it's not even about the stuff.
Carter and I became friends.
Wait a minute! Of course! Whatever you're going to say next, I bet it's wrong.
I offended Carter by offering to work for him.
I mean, once it became a friendship, he didn't want me working for him.
He wanted a pal.
Brian, you're not kidding anyone.
We all know you don't care about Carter.
You only care about his money.
No, no, no.
He knows I'm his friend.
Yeah, right.
That's what Woody thought about Buzz Lightyear.
(GASPS) Bo Peep! What-what's going on here? Um you've got a friend in me? What are you doing here? I-I thought you were rehearsing with the guys.
Ah, the bastards kicked me out 'cause I'm not good enough.
Oh, and they also taught me that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer, so maybe you should, uh, you know, do the test.
I had cancer, Peter.
Remember? I was in the hospital? You weren't there for it.
Well, maybe you have it again.
Peter, I'm not falling for your trick, but if you're upset about the guys kicking you out of the group, you can't really blame them.
The violin takes discipline and dedication.
You never even practiced.
They probably thought you were just wasting their time.
Maybe you're right.
I guess guess I could've been a little more serious about it.
Well, it's not too late.
Maybe you could find a teacher who could help you learn, and if you work at it and get a little better, they'll see you care about them.
You know what? That's a great idea! I'll take some lessons.
I'm gonna work really hard just like my deodorant.
How does a guy like me stay fresh I use Fat Guys Deodorant.
Whether you're sitting, leaning, lying down or sitting, Fat Guys keeps ya dry.
Apply every five minutes, and you're good for five minutes.
And now for the confusing commercial backstory.
Ready for the fund-raiser, Dad? Yeah, be right there, buddy.
We're going to a fund-raiser, and we share a bedroom.
Mr.
Pewterschmidt, you have a visitor.
Hey, buddy, looking good! So, what are we drinking? Or better yet, why aren't we drinking? Get the hell out of here! I told you I'm done with you! And besides, I'm off to the spa down at the club.
How's the temp? Good and hot? Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
Hey, did you also not wash your ass before getting in? Yeah, (BLEEP) that sign.
- There you go, Mr.
Glenn.
- Thanks.
Hey, can I get a couple of extras of these plastic bags? Let me just test this out quickly.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Yeah, that works.
Okay, now you go.
I have to get back to teaching violin lesson.
(PLAYING SCALES) Those scales sound terrible! You fat and lazy! You leave now! No, please! I got to get better so I can be as good as my friends.
I really let 'em down.
You fingers no bleeding.
You no try hard enough! You want me press iron on your back again? I'm trying! I'm trying! Try harder! Play better! (CRYING, PLAYING FASTER AND BETTER) (SCREAMING) Is somebody making a Cuban sandwich? Lousy no-good rotten frassum-rassum (MUTTERING GIBBERISH) Brian, what's up? Why are you engaging in cartoon profanity? Carter wants nothing to do with me.
- I'm just so mad.
- Don't you mean sad? You know, about the friendship? Oh, no, of course, you mean mad about the money.
All right, fine, it was about the money.
- I miss the money.
- Yes, I know.
I saw all your Instagrams on his helicopter like it was your helicopter.
I never said it was my helicopter.
Yeah, never said it wasn't.
The implication was that it was a regular part of your life.
Anyway, I know this makes me sound awful, but I almost wish Carter was still blind so he'd still need me.
Yeah, but he's not.
But he could be.
But he isn't.
But he should be.
Oh, no.
Come on, it'd be temporary, just until he realizes I'm a great hang.
But you're not, so I don't want any part of this.
Okay.
I get it.
I get it.
Nah, you-you wouldn't want to help me.
What was I thinking? He he's your grandfather.
Even though he did say that thing about you.
What? What did he say about me? Oh, I I'm sorry.
I thought I told you.
Um, he said you couldn't cut it as a member of One Direction.
What?! But they have an opening! Zayn is gone! He does know Zayn is gone, right? Oh, he definitely knows.
Yeah, he-he thinks you could be in O-Town, but not One Direction.
Okay, I'm pretty sure you're manipulating me, but let's go blind that old bastard.
Listen, Peter, we know you've been working hard on the violin, but more importantly, you're our pal, and we'd like you to be back in the group.
Really? What if I'm not good enough? Well, that's the thing.
We decided we'd rather be lousy with you than great without you.
Joe, no offense, but I'd prefer to hear it from someone else.
- That's fair.
- So, what do you say, Peter? Will you come and play the wedding with us? Oh, you bet I will! Oh, thanks! You guys won't regret this, and don't you worry.
I'll be ready, unlike Lois getting dressed for a night out.
(GROANING) Tell them the truth! It's me.
It's me.
I'm the one who takes too long to get ready.
It's 'cause I don't have any nice clothes.
Peter! All right.
It's 'cause I don't like the way I look.
(WATER RUNNING) Okay, Brian, Carter's in the shower.
As soon as he comes out, we spray this right in his eyes.
What'd you put in there again? Oh, it's just tap water from Flint, Michigan.
And that's how the penis song goes.
Aah! Son of a bitch! My eyes! (QUIETLY): You're up.
Carter, what happened? You look like you could use some help.
Aah! My face! Aah! (GROANING) Oh, my God! What did I let money do to me? Who did this? Who are you? Carter, it's me, Brian.
I did this, and it's made me realize that I was blinded by luxury and comfort, but now I see that none of that matters if I don't Brian, Brian, hold on.
Looks like we've learned a lot, and my face is better.
(CROWD CHATTER, CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) God, I'm so nervous.
You sure you guys want me to play with you? Yes, Peter.
You play away.
We're a quartet.
Just do the best you can.
You may kiss the bride.
(PLAYING "WEDDING MARCH") (PLAYING A BEAUTIFUL SOLO) (APPLAUSE) Peter, that was amazing! I know.
Those lessons really paid off! I'll say! The way you play, we'll have more gigs than we can handle.
Not a chance.
Mr.
Washy Washy took all the joy out of this.
I hate the violin.
I hate music.
I hate life, and I'm never doing this again! All right, guys, let's go drink a bunch of free booze and be a huge presence in the wedding photos.
Oh, what a night Late December back in '63 What a very special time for me As I remember, what a night Oh, what a night