Family Guy s15e17 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, guys, I didn't know you were coming to the church raffle.
I will confess a mix-up to you.
I thought Donna said we were going to the "church waffle.
" And we're only here for the fantasy weekend at Fenway Park.
Fenway Park? Oh, yeah, the winner and a friend get to hang out and practice with retired Red Sox players and then play in a real game, right on the field at Fenway.
Oh, my God, that's always been a dream of mine! Well, that and tuning a guitar in front of a live audience.
(GUITAR TUNING) (STRUMS DISCORDANT NOTES) This was in perfect tune when they handed it to me.
Next up, our fantasy weekend for two at Fenway Park.
Oh, man, this is it! And the winner is Peter Griffin! Holy crap, I won! - Wow, good for you! - Congratulations! I like it when people say your name out loud! How exciting, Peter.
A weekend trip to Boston.
Yeah, and the best part is, I don't even have to get on a plane.
I always have trouble at the airport.
Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.
Well, then maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me, I'm not yours.
He's stealing me! I'm being stolen! Excuse me, I think you've got mine.
Oh, that's a good idea.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Oh, hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Peter.
So I was just baking a coffee cake, and I figured I'd bring it over, 'cause you like coffee cake.
Wow, thanks.
Yeah, yeah, no problem.
- So, who are you taking to Fenway? - What? Well, I was just thinking, you have that extra ticket, - maybe you'd want to - Peter, before you answer him, I've got that murdered jogger's Discman you wanted last week.
Still bloody.
Hi, Peter.
You know how you like $40 cash? Well, here's almost $40 cash.
Guys, look, I know you all want to go, but I-I need a little more time to figure this out.
I mean, it's a tough decision.
Like what to do with that big watermelon I bought.
Griffin, I just wanted to tell you that's a great outfit.
Keep it up.
I knew it.
I have to start trusting myself more.
Man, I don't envy you.
Whichever one of them you bring to Fenway, the other two will be mad at you.
I don't want to bring any of them.
Those guys are all way better than me at baseball.
They'd just show me up and ruin it for me.
Why don't you bring Lois? She doesn't care about baseball, and that way nobody gets their feelings hurt.
Brian, that's a great idea.
Thanks.
- Is it new-tennis-ball great? - It's three-new-tennis-balls great.
I'm gonna get 'em all, I'm gonna get 'em all, I'm gonna get 'em all! (CAN HISSES) (EXCITED WHIMPERS) Mom, you're really going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.
Oh, I'm not going for baseball, I-I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa, and two days of being away from you life-sucking turds.
Anyway, be good.
And while we're gone, Brian's in charge.
Where is Brian? What's up, bitches? Oh, come on, Mom, really? I'm in high school, and you're still putting the dog in charge? Believe me, Meg, you want me in charge.
Stewie can be a bit of a handful.
He's right, you know.
I'm a total Taurus, stubborn as they come.
All right, fine, Meg.
While we're away, you can be in charge.
Come on, Lois, time to get to Fenway.
Wow, Dad, you look awesome.
But I thought you were gonna dress like a baseball player.
I am, Chris.
I'm the type of player who arrives at the stadium in a suit.
With a tie knot as big as an apple.
That's how you know I got mon-ay.
All right, we'll see you guys Sunday.
Okay, now you heard Mom say I'm in charge, so I just want to lay a few ground rules.
Yeah.
I promise we're gonna have fun, - but there will be a schedule just - Uh-huh.
- To keep everything running smoothly.
- Sure, got to have boundaries.
- And I may assign a chore or two - That's great, Meg.
- Because it's actually more fun - Sounds like you got it all worked out.
- When everyone pitches in.
- Hey, by the way Ah! I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) Look at this, Lois, the Fenway Park locker room.
All right, Peter, I'm gonna go.
You want to hand me some cash in front of the other men so you feel powerful? Instead, why don't you just take my Minions Discover Card? Hey, there, sluggers.
Welcome to Red Sox Fantasy Weekend.
Well, who's this? We've never had a lady come out for this before.
Oh, no, no, that's my wife, she's just dropping me off.
Yeah, you're nice, but I'm not staying.
I don't know the first thing about baseball.
Look, your spot's already paid for.
And besides, if you leave, the teams will be lopsided.
So, as your coach, I insist you stay and play with us.
Right, fellas? (ALL YELL IN AGREEMENT) Well, I don't know.
What do you think, Peter? What do I think about sharing fantasy baseball camp with my wife? Yeah, come on, let her play.
Wow, 1980s All-Star Wade Boggs! Hey, would you mind standing next to a star of today? Sure.
Man, what happened to our game? David Ortiz, will you pick him up like a baby? It's your weekend.
(LAUGHS) Now let me put this baby bonnet on his head and a cigar in his mouth.
So, what do you say? Are you gonna let your wife play? Absolutely.
Lois, stay here and play with us.
I can't say no to Baby Boggs.
Coochie-coochie-coo Ah, he bit me.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm here.
Lois, see that wall there? They call that "the Green Monster.
" And over there's where I threw a D-cell battery at José Canseco.
All right, let's play ball.
Wow, you must be excited, Peter.
Yep, guess I can cross this one off my bucket list.
All that's left now is living the pueblo lifestyle.
Peter, what the hell did you do to the house? I know, it seems pretty lame until you realize I'm 58.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick the foot of a fleshy, pale woman for Real Sex 34.
Rupert, what do you think of this fan fiction I wrote? "Diego pressed Dora against the wall, her bosom heaving, her hot Latina breath on his face.
For once, Diego was going to do the exploring.
" Whew, just reading it muy caliente.
Okay, Stewie, time for you to get dressed.
Yeah, a closed door means "come in," I guess.
What the hell do you think you're doing? Let's pick out a cute shirt for you.
Then I thought we can go to the park.
Or, how about this? I press my butt against the wall and dook on it? (GASPS) Stewie! Don't do that! You're messing with my schedule, so I'm giving you wall poo.
Stop that right now.
You just earned a time-out.
A what? Let go of me! Don't you walk away! Hey, don't bruise me, I'm going dancing later.
You listen to me, you little monster, I take abuse from everybody around here, but I am not gonna take it from you.
Now sit here until I say you can get up.
And if you move one muscle before then, I'll smack you in your weird head.
Hey, it's not weird.
Mom says it's distinctive.
COACH: Griffin, you're up.
It's always the fat one.
I heard that.
I said it right to you.
You know what? Let's just get Lois up to bat.
Where's Lois? I'm right here, Coach.
(CHUCKLES) Guess you don't have a lot of babes out here.
Except for Babe Ruth.
(LAUGHS) - Babe Ruth.
- Ha! That's funny 'cause she's hot.
(PLAYERS CHEER) Ah, it's a little like tennis.
Uh, did you see that, Peter? I'm doing it all! Damn it.
This is supposed to be my weekend.
(PLAYERS LAUGH) (SOBBING) Stewie? What the hell's going on? Meg's awful! She gave me a time-out and she made me sit in this chair.
My God, she put eye shadow on you, too.
I might've gotten up from the chair.
Brian, Meg's lost her mind.
You've got to talk to her.
Stewie, Lois put Meg in charge, and, honestly, once I knew that, I ate a pot cookie.
So, um, yeah.
So good luck with all that.
Uh, you got any cool DVDs? Brian, please, I need help.
(CHUCKLES) Totally.
Hey, where's Chris? I wonder if he'll play Wii bowling with me.
All right, that's it, I'm not just gonna sit here and see what that psycho does next.
All right, think.
Ah! I shall fashion a makeshift ladder with my Diaper Genie entrails, shimmy down to the yard, and I'm free.
The trick, Chris, is thinking of the wand as an extension of your arm.
Wow, I can't believe I'm pretend bowling with a dog on drugs! STEWIE: Ah! Son of a bitch! (TIRES SCREECH) WOMAN: Oh, my God, a baby! My name's Shelly.
I can't have any of my own.
Would you like to come home with me? I love you so much.
STEWIE: Ah! Everywhere's a nightmare! (LAUGHS) Wow, it's nice they put on a banquet for you.
It looks like I'm the only woman here.
Yeah, they're ex-athletes, which means they're all divorced.
In fact, their ex-wives are having a banquet next door with their money.
And you want some of this dirty Oh, they're having fun.
They're doing a lot of pointing dancing.
Baby, I got your money, don't you worry.
Well, at least somebody's having fun here tonight.
Oh, you're just nervous about the big game tomorrow.
I-Is it 'cause of how pink you turn when you run? A couple guys mentioned that today on the field.
What? Who said that? I don't know, "N-Nomar" something.
You met Nomar?! Hey, there you are.
We've been saving a spot at the head table for you with all the Hall-of-Famers.
Oh, thanks.
Finally something's going my way.
- Where should I - Not you.
Lois.
What? (ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE" RIFF WEAKLY) This is the one night of the year they let me out of the scoreboard.
Oh, I don't know if I deserve to sit at the head table.
No, no, we took a vote.
We all want to sit next to you.
You're the only one here who doesn't have a fistful of baseball cards for us to sign.
I wasn't gonna have 'em sign 'em.
I was just gonna tell 'em their stats.
But this is Peter's weekend.
Aw, don't worry about Peter.
Now, come on, Lois, we've got you sitting right between Pedro Martinez and Ted Williams' severed head.
There's a special place in hell for whoever's responsible for me ending up like this.
Hey, Meg, is anybody gonna eat this grilled cheese? No, don't eat that.
That's Stewie's lunch.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, Stewie! I forgot, he's been in a time-out for six hours.
Stewie? Oh, no, where is he? He's gone I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
I tried to tell you, watching Stewie wasn't easy.
Oh Aw, man, this is terrible.
Stewie could be anywhere.
(SHIVERING BREATHS) (ALL GASPING) Sorry, I forgot my jacket.
Okay, everybody, we're gonna do some double-play drills.
Oh, yeah, a little infield.
Let's flash some leather, huh, guys? Who wants to play second? I will.
Lois, why don't you take second? How could he not see that? I even held up my arm with my other hand.
That is the most noticeable way to raise your hand.
Okay, Griffin, you go out there and be the base runner.
All right, Peter, show 'em what you got.
Okay, Lois, catch the ball, and if your foot comes off the bag, just tag Peter on any part of his body.
How could I miss, right? It'll be like tagging a barn.
(LAUGHTER) Sorry, Peter, that's baseball.
I'll show you baseball, you sexually unsatisfied wife! Oh.
(GROANING) Yeah! Now, that's a big-league slide, huh, coach? (GROANING): Damn it! I think it's broken.
Griffin, what are you, an idiot? Yeah, an idiot who's gonna show up on SportsCenter tonight.
Coming up after the break, we'll have highlights of the playoff game between PETER: Streaking.
Unrelated.
Yep, her leg is fractured.
We should get her to the hospital.
My only medical training is to say "Walk it off.
" - Can you walk it off? - No! Oh, well, that's not good.
Okay, I'm gonna go fake-use the phone in the dugout.
Peter, what the hell got into you? Nothing.
I was just trying to play hard, like Pete Rose.
Look, I can even do the Pete Rose haircut.
I bet you a thousand bucks I have a drinking problem.
Guys, we got to get that leg set.
I guess I should ride in the ambulance.
You think I'll be back in time for the game? What? You're not playing in the game.
It's supposed to be a fun day out here, and you go nuts and break your wife's leg.
It's not my fault, I'm all hopped up on hard baseball card gum.
Mmm, it's like eating a MasterCard.
Let's get her out of here.
And you, you're done.
Clean out your locker! Kicked out? I'm totally screwed.
Like those poor guys who had to come up with a new ad campaign for Subway.
Hey, I'm Mike.
I like sandwiches and people my own age.
ANNOUNCER: Subway please don't think of pedophilia.
You know what I'm getting sick of saying? "My husband did this to me, but it's not what you think.
" Please forgive me, Lois.
I'm so stupid.
The reason I didn't bring my friends is 'cause I didn't want 'em hogging the spotlight.
And then when I saw everyone giving you all that attention, I-I guess I kind of lost it.
You did a little.
But of course I forgive you.
I just don't understand why you went so crazy.
Well, ever since I was little, I was always the fat, uncoordinated kid that nobody wanted on their team.
And I was excited that for one weekend, if I could just step on that field and get a hit at Fenway Park, I could erase all that and feel like a champ for the first time in my life.
But I'm not a champ, I'm a fat loser.
No wonder nobody ever picked me.
I picked you, Peter.
And to me and our kids, you will always be a winner.
Thanks, Lois.
And you know what? If that's true, I don't need to play in some stupid fantasy baseball game.
Well, guess what.
You're gonna play in that game, and you're gonna get that hit.
And when you do, we're all gonna be there to cheer you on.
Really? Well, how's that gonna happen? Peter, these guys have been sexually harassing me since the second I got here.
Either you play, or every one of these Red Sox are going to jail Even Ted Williams.
Mmm, new meat.
I think we're gonna get along just fine.
This is the number-one fear of only being a head.
Brian, do you always listen to the Sirius XM preview station? Yeah, I'm thinking about pulling the trigger, but they make you sign, like, a two-year Guys, who cares about your dumb radio?! We can't find Stewie anywhere.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello.
Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.
How you doing? How's Stewie? Oh, he's great.
Not lost or anything.
How's fantasy camp going? Uh, your father broke my leg out of jealousy, but that didn't ruin our honeymoon, and it's not gonna ruin this.
So listen, I want all you guys to drive up to Boston this afternoon to see your father play in the big game.
Uh, wow, we'd love to Mom, but we promised Stewie we'd perform a puppet show for him later today.
Oh, you can perform it for all of us up here in Boston.
The game's in two hours.
Drive safely.
Crap! Now we got to find Stewie and write a puppet show.
We could repurpose my one-act farce.
Or we could write something fresh.
Look, just because it's already been written doesn't mean it's not fresh.
What did I just say? Shut up! We're in trouble.
I'm in trouble.
Hey, what's this, a dickweed convention? Stewie! Oh, thank God you're home! Where the hell have you been? As far away from her as possible.
I forgot her name, honestly.
- Who, Meg? - Yes, yes, Meg.
She's scary and mean, and I don't ever want her to be in charge of me.
Are you afraid of me, little guy? Oh, Stewie, I'm really sorry I left you in that time-out.
I love you very much, and I'm so happy you're home.
You're my little brother.
Can you forgive me? Well all right.
(TAPPING ON WINDOW) Can I have your baby? Don't let her in! We're all proud of you, Peter.
N-Now, don't be nervous.
I ain't nervous, Lois I'm just sweating 'cause I was too embarrassed to get nude in the locker room, so I'm wearing all this over long pajamas.
P.
A.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, now batting for the Boston Red Sox, Peter Griffin! (ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTS) (MUSIC STOPS) Fair ball! Run, Peter! Run it out! (COMPUTER BEEPING, PHONE RINGS) Peter's Brain.
Yeah, uh, this is the Muscle Department.
What the hell is he doing? Uh, apparently, he's trying to sprint.
Sprint? He got winded walking to the plate.
And he's been out in the blazing sun for two days.
Has he had any water? No.
He told his wife there's juices in the hot dogs.
Well, I'm sorry, I got no choice but to call for a complete muscle failure.
(ALARM BLARING) (GASPING) Look! Dad's planking, from, like, eight years ago! Is there a Neiman Marcus in Boston? Peter! Get up! Get up and run! - Run, Peter! - Come on, Dad! - We love you! - Copley Place.
How far is that? (ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC RESUMES) PETER: I ran like a champion that day, pushing through the pain of two torn hamstrings and a ruptured groin, to leg out the hit at Fenway Park I had always dreamed of.
But nobody noticed, 'cause the account manager from B of A who was playing third base had a massive coronary trying to field my crappy little nubber.
The hit was amazing, but what made it even better was that my family was there to share the moment with me.
And on the car ride home, they put on a puppet show that made me laugh so hard I crashed into a tollbooth on the Mass Pike, totaling the car and breaking Lois's other leg.
The casts kind of smell, so I won't let her sleep in the bedroom till they're off.
But that's baseball.