Family Guy s16e01 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! ANNOUNCER: We now return to Vedder Call Saul.
(TO THE TUNE OF "EVEN FLOW"): Hey, Saul Got into a little trouble and I'm gonna need a lawyer Hey-ey Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.
I was driving Had a bit to drink and then I ran into a milk truck Yeah-ah Were you on drugs? "E" and blow.
Turn that off.
I'm mad at TV.
Peter, what's wrong? Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one.
I'm sick of it! Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons.
What did that get us? I'll tell you what it got us.
More ink for The Simpsons.
Yeah.
"Simpsons plays down to competition.
" "Simpsons step into the sewer.
" "Shame on you, Simpsons.
" Those lucky bastards.
Well, this week, we do classy comedy.
Emmy comedy.
I think that's a great idea.
It's about time we made some quality television like Modern Family, Girls and Transparent.
That's the spirit.
Griffins, let's make this our Emmy-winning episode.
So get all your pukes and farts out now.
- (FARTING) - (RETCHING) (LAUGHS) I mean, I mean, I mean not funny.
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING) Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.
Time for breakfast.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Oh, yeah.
Good morning, Lois, which is who you are.
My wife, Lois.
Hugging my wife.
(GRUNTS) (DOORBELL CHIMES) Package for Peter Griffin.
Thank you, unknown delivery woman.
Forget the freaking Emmy.
If you touch her ass, I will (GASPS) "Amazon.
" Ay, my Uncle Alejandro lives in the Amazon.
Do you think he has sent us shoes made from banana leaves? Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters on these Emmy-winning shows aren't exactly rocket scientists, are they? I don't know what you talkin' about, Liz Lemon.
No, this is something I ordered, for me.
I am a woman and always have been.
I've made plans to undergo surgery so my wang don't get in the way of the woman what I am.
Ay, dios mio.
Lois, I'll still be a parent to our children.
But now I'll be a trans-parent.
Get it? Transparent? Clever pun, right? Please, honor me for my courage.
I think gender-reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
- The fat woman.
- He hasn't chopped it off yet.
That doesn't matter.
Peter already identifies as a woman.
And on karaoke night, I identify as George Michael.
That doesn't mean it's true.
Brian's just mad because he has to be the lady one.
Which makes you the one who's gay in real life.
Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line with more emotion and less of a monotone than the actual Lily on Modern Family.
I'm now confident enough to share my truth with the rest of my loved ones, beginning with my son, Chris.
Bazinga, Father.
Assuming father is still the appropriate designation.
What-what are you doing? Waiting for the laugh to die down.
I'm here because I've decided to become the woman I am inside.
Can you find it in your heart to accept me? Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past binary gender construction.
And if being a woman makes you happy, then in the words of Mr.
Spock, "It's only logical.
" Wow, I couldn't follow any of that, but look how smart your audience is.
Ha-ha.
Louis C.
K.
? Is that you? Yup.
I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.
Wow, that's great because if Louis C.
K.
likes something, - everyone has to.
- That's right.
Well, I'm glad my popularity has cooled off just enough that you were able to get me to do this.
Bye, Peter.
Boy, he's not afraid to go there, I'm told.
- Norm! - Norm! Ative gender roles have been turned upside down.
Correct, Quagmire.
I'm going in for gender-reassignment surgery.
What the hell, Peter?! First my dad and now you? Am-am I is it am I doing this to people? Is it do you guys feel like cutting off your penises? No, but I can turn it inside out like rolling up a dress sock.
You guys aren't supporting my choice? Well, what do you expect, Peter? I-I mean a sex change operation? Why are you doing this? I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.
For me.
M-E.
M-E.
I'm doing it for M-E.
(CRYING) Ew.
I mean, yay! (CRYING) Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.
No one takes me seriously.
MEG: I do, Dad.
You've inspired me to nakedly eat this cake in a weird place.
Thanks to you, I now believe in me.
Me.
M-E.
I believe in M-E.
(CHUCKLING): Okay, okay, all right.
Don't want one that bad.
Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon who will perform your procedure today.
Dr.
Wang Gon.
Wow, I can't believe all you guys came out to support me.
You guys aren't just the best friends I've ever had.
You're also the best comedy.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Great job, everyone.
If that don't get us the Emmy, nothing will.
Where do you think you're going? Doc, I'm not actually going through with the operation.
I'm going home.
We're doing this whether you like it or not.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Doc, no.
Stop him! Somebody help! You want the Emmy, don't you? PETER: And that is how I became your mother.
So, the Emmy committee watched our submission for Best Comedy? Uh-huh.
All right, thank you.
They hated it so much, they gave us a negative Emmy.
We now owe them an Emmy.
(ALL GROAN) The Emmys aren't fair.
I mean, shows like Nurse Jackie are basically dramas, but they get comedy awards all the time.
(GASPS) That's it.
We'll sneak into the drama category.
That's how we'll win the Emmy with dark, confusing plot twists like on Homeland or Mad Men.
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.
Or Mr.
Robot Chicken.
No, Chris, it's Mr.
Robot.
- Chicken.
- Mr.
Robot.
- Chicken! - No, no, Chris, you see, Mr.
Robot is a critically acclaimed show.
Robot Chicken is something kids used to watch in 2006.
It's basically four minutes of nonsense on at 1:00 in the morning breaking up personal injury ads.
Chicken.
- (GUNSHOT) - (CROWS CAWING) (PANTING) MAN: Please, don't.
Why won't you die?! (CROWS CAWING) Shh.
Shh, that's right.
I'm your dad.
Your gentle, suburban dad.
Oh, what a twist.
Shh.
Hey, Dad.
Sure must be tough having a son with goofy noodle legs like mine.
Chris, I love you no matter how useless you are in a paddleboat.
(CROWS CAWING) Peter, those crows keep getting in.
This whole house is falling apart.
It's okay, my long-suffering, quietly dissatisfied wife.
We'll get everything repaired.
How? We can't afford it.
We have to pay for Chris's doctor bills and meds for our daughter in the CIA.
(FLAPPING LIPS) Damn, she's good at her job.
How are we ever gonna pay all these bills that have been perfectly ripped across the top so the words "past due" are visible? Oh, I just thank God there's no devastating turn of events going on that I don't know about.
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live? One week.
While I give the rest of your diagnosis, I'm going to gradually talk quieter, (QUIETLY): as if I'm growing distant to show how overwhelmed you are by this news.
(EARS RINGING) (BEES BUZZING) (SILLY CARTOON NOISES PLAYING) ("AH-OO-GAH" CAR HORN HONKING) Yo, you five-o? No, I'm 87.
But how flattering.
Now, get me drugs, scummy drug dealer.
You got it, mayor of our city.
Mm.
I wonder which of us is the bigger criminal.
Oh, that's easy.
You are.
Hey, can you teach me to sell drugs? Hold up.
Are you wearing a The Wire? No.
I need money for sympathetic reasons and I have no other option than crime.
I mean, I could sell stuff on eBay, but shipping.
Well, I am pulling a heist at a meth lab.
I suppose I could use the help.
Great! You won't regret this.
When it comes to selling drugs, you and me will be a better team than the old lady's eyeballs on Downton Abbey.
I'm looking way over in this direction.
And I'm looking way over here.
That way we can see all the awards flying at us.
Here comes one now.
Best Cutaway.
("DOWNTON ABBEY: THE SUITE" BY JOHN LUNN PLAYING) (APPLAUSE) Remember, kill anything that moves.
- Even a kid? - Especially a kid.
You got to kill a kid at least once a season to make people go, "Oh, I can't believe they killed a kid.
" Let's go.
(BOTH YELLING) Wait, we did this already.
G-Go back.
Or-Or forward? I'm-I'm lost.
(GRUNTS) (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) (GUN CLICKS) I'll get help! (MUTTERING QUIETLY) (PHONE VIBRATES) (GASPS) Brian, call off this drone strike, Dad needs us.
Damn it, Meg, we're about to take out the head of ISIS! Hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! - Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! - Okay, you've made your point.
You're lucky you're so good at your job.
Wha? (MEN SCREAMING) (SIZZLING) That was badass how it went from the guy burning up to the barbecue, right? Best Director.
Hey, Peter, I was thinking about this Emmy thing.
What's the most acclaimed drama of all time? - The Sopranos.
- Right.
And what's the most memorable moment - in the history of that show? - Well, I'd have to say JOE: Nice briefcase full of cash.
Where'd you get the money for a briefcase like that, Peter? I want in.
I need the money to pay off my mysterious boss, Mr.
Robot.
CHRIS: Chicken! Chris, get back in the house! (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT): My whole plan, fallin' apart like a House of Cards.
You know, growing up in Gaffney, my daddy always said, "Turn the other cheek.
" Kevin Spacey always said, "I was just walkin' my dog in that park at 3:00 a.
m.
" I don't trust either one of 'em.
I suppose it's time to tell my wife the truth.
Like a man.
(SOBBING) (GASPING): And then, I sold all the drugs 'cause the doctor said I had the cancer and I killed the guys, and Joe took all the mon the money! (CONTINUES SOBBING) I see.
Are are you leavin' me? No, Peter.
I'm helping you kill that cop.
Because I'm darker than you and the audience ever thought! What a twist.
For five long years, orange was my new black.
(SLOBBERING) Peter, I don't care if it's drug money.
I have grown accustomed to Hulu Plus.
If you think I'm going back to regular Hulu, you're crazy! We don't even watch that much Hulu.
I still want it just in case! Now take off all your clothes so we don't get blood on 'em when we kill that cop in the desert.
Oh, the beginning all makes sense now.
(PANTING) Why won't you die?! (CROWS CAWING) (BOTH SCREAM) (ROARS) Whoa! I did not see that coming.
One more.
Let's watch one more.
Well, hold on.
Like all television viewers, our first priority before deciding to continue watching a show should be whether or not it features enough diversity.
I felt very well-represented.
Aw, I'm glad, honey.
Mmm.
Hey, thanks for letting me come over, you guys.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Telegram for Mr.
Griffin.
Thank you, someone's nephew.
Would you mind reading it out loud for maximum old-timey effect? "To P.
Griffin, from the Emmy Board of Governors.
Dear Mr.
Griffin, stop.
We understand you've been attempting to win an Emmy, stop.
- Stop, stop.
" - Is that all? No, there's another from Fleetwood Mac.
"Don't stop, stop.
Thinking about tomorrow, stop.
" And here's one from The Supremes.
"Stop, stop.
In the name of love, stop.
" - Are you finished? - Are you asking me to stop, stop? Peter, close the door.
Well, that's it.
We didn't get Best Drama either.
This is hopeless.
We've tried everything.
No, Lois, we haven't.
But that's just what we're gonna do Everything! We're gonna try for every single Emmy category.
Starting with Best Stunt Performance.
Aah! Peter, I don't think that's a category.
Oh, okay.
Best Documentary.
Aah! (IN WISCONSIN ACCENT): Chris is playing my dummy nephew.
Our family actually lines up really well for this.
Best Competitive Reality Show! - Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show? No, your penis is out.
- You're in.
- I'm in? No, urine is running down your leg.
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series! PETER: Okay, so the deal is, I get girls like you jobs.
The jobs pay $1,000 to $5,000 a day.
I'm recording this interview.
And then I send the demo tape to producers, and if they like you, they're gonna hire you.
Have you done anything like this before? Never.
This is my first time.
All right, now, a lot of these scenes are gonna be you interacting with someone else, so I'll just come around and read with you.
Now, since I'm holding the camera, I'm gonna need some help with my belt buckle.
And there you have it, Family Guy reaches a new low as it grovels and begs for a meaningless award.
I would say they've got about as much chance of winning an Emmy as the Republican Party has of accomplishing something.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS) MAN: Peter, over here.
Bill Maher? What are you doing not smirking outside a church? Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.
Uh, look, Peter, I'm here for two reasons: first, to find out who that Asian girl was on the couch, and second, to tell you that Family Guy will never, ever win an Emmy.
Okay, first of all, that was Asa Akira.
I think you knew that.
Second, are you sayin' there's a conspiracy against us? (WHISPERS): Follow the Emmy.
(LIGHTNING CRACKLES) (THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE) It's back this way.
And who was that Asian girl on the couch? I think you knew who that was.
(TRILLING) To convey this moment of shock at the depth of the conspiracy around me, here's Ryan O'Neal in the movie Tough Guys Don't Dance.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) - Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God! (TIRES SQUEAK) Peter, there you are.
I've been calling you all night.
Where the hell have you been? No time to explain.
This Emmy thing goes deep.
The same people win year after year after year.
It's like there's some kind of secret society that takes all the awards and is keepin' us from getting one.
Yeah, I know.
They're all here to see you.
- Hello, Peter.
- (GASPS) The Michelin Man? You're part of this? No, I'm two-time Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.
Peter, stop snooping around the Emmys.
Yeah, butt out.
It's none of your business.
Well, why not, Julie Bowen? Huge fan, by the way.
Just huge.
What are you hiding? What's the big, secret reason Family Guy can't win an Emmy? All right, we'll tell you.
Your show sucks.
Peter, I'm famous writer Aaron Sorkin.
Walk and talk with me.
You wouldn't know my work because I don't write for Juggs magazine.
Let me explain "writing" to you.
You can't take a scene from Ferris Bueller, cross out the name "Ferris," and replace it with "Peter.
" And the racial stuff on your show is just embarrassing.
You have people of color voiced by white actors.
- No! - Yes! Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes, and I'm being voiced by a white actor.
And worst of all, you take this big pile of garbage, and you tie it all up by having everyone sit around saying, "At least everything's back to normal," as if something happened.
When nothing happened! It was a complete waste of everyone's time! (SAD MUSIC PLAYS) Well, I'm glad all this Emmy nonsense is over and things are back to normal.
Yeah, me, too.
You know, I may not get Emmys, but I do get the best award of all My family.
And this e-mail from a young fan.
"Dear sir, your show helped me when I was going through chemotherapy.
" Aw.
"My favorite episode was when Homer stays home from church" Ah, damn it, he thinks we're The Simpsons.
Hey, what do you say, one last try? Why not? Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy this spectacular, live-action chicken fight, starring Ty Burrell.
Good night! (WEAK CHIRPING) Shh.
Shh.
(WEAK CHIRPING) I don't have any more room in my house.