Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e01 Episode Script

(PHONE RINGING) Psst! Psst! Psst! Psst! If it's not Nora Batty, my own true love! Don't start messing about.
People haven't got time for messing about.
What's this? What is this? Gravy granules? What about gravy granules? Don't tell me you've never heard about gravy granules.
What are you talking about? I always get gravy granules.
You cheeky little minx, you.
Well, come on, let's get on with it.
-Get on with what? -The new ancient custom of gravy granules.
How can it be new if it's an ancient custom? Look, even ancient customs have to start somewhere, so this is a new ancient custom.
Well, I've never heard of it.
Right, then pin back your lug holes.
It works like this.
On account of the shortage of that ancient magic plant, tha takes a tin of gravy granules and holds them up over the lady of tha choice.
What ancient magic plant? Mistletoe.
Now tha uses gravy granules instead.
Get off! Wonderful world.
(CHUCKLES) Beg your pardon? I say the world, you know, quite wonderful, really.
Yes.
Suppose it is.
Are you a student of the wonders of nature? I wouldn't say a student.
No, no See, I am something of a student of the wonders of nature.
Your neck, for instance.
-Neck? -Yes.
Just about there.
I don't suppose you realise that if I was to exert pressure just about there, you'd be unconscious within seconds.
And that's a wonder of nature? Oh, absolutely.
Oh, yes.
Yes, the world is full of wonderful things like that.
Well, take the elbow, for instance.
See, it's not widely known, but if I was to apply ingenious pressure to your elbow joint, I could induce complete paralysis.
-Oh, are you off, then? -Yeah, I think I'll walk.
Yeah, okay, the exercise.
Good idea.
I'll come with you.
Cleggy.
Not so loud, Cleggy.
No, Howard.
I am not taking any messages to Marina.
Shh! Now, there's no need to mention names.
Can't we have a bit of security around here? And then, of course, a lot can be done with the eyes.
(CHUCKLES) I don't mean poking them with a stick.
No, no.
One's own eyes.
See, a person of personality can make quite an impression on an enemy simply by staring him down.
Something I tried to teach my native tribesmen in Burma.
Trouble was, they were They were so small, you know, they spent most of the time staring me smack in the navel.
Oh, strange sort of chap.
FOGGY: You can't invent an ancient custom.
COMPO: Oh, I did first thing this morning.
(CHUCKLES) Tha'd be amazed what tha can do with gravy granules.
CLEGG: What flavour? COMPO: Any flavour.
CLEGG: Are you sure about that? Well, it works with onion flavour.
You don't seriously think it's going to catch on, do you? Ho-ho.
I think Nora Batty's going to cop it a few more times.
I never really thought of gravy granules as an aphrodisiac.
Well, it was what was in her basket.
I had to grab anything that was handy.
Well, it could have been worse, I suppose.
It could have been drain cleaner.
Well, maybe that works as well.
Has anyone really explored the romantic possibilities of drain cleaners? (MAN LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY) Well, who is this idiot? Famous! Hello.
I wonder how far I could still throw a hand grenade.
Well, I suppose you never know when it might come in handy.
I used to be famous in the regiment for the length of my throw with a hand grenade.
''Where's my Dewhurst?'', the colonel used to say.
''Sweetest lob I've ever seen with a hand grenade.
''Fetch my Dewhurst.
He'll improve the bowling figures.
'' Give over.
Tha were a Corporal Sign Writer.
Bet the only thing thy ever threw were a pot of paint when tha lost tha temper.
Corporal Sign Writer was my cover.
Well, the real action was underneath.
I'm talking special forces here.
(FOGGY GROANS) Oh, you see what civilian life does for you.
Maybe you should try the magical properties of gravy granules.
COMPO: That works wonders, Norm.
FOGGY: Oh, I shall have to get into serious training again.
(MAN CHUCKLING AND MUTTERING) I can do it! I can! I know I can do it! The old saying Now, just remember the name, that's all.
Ingleton, Billy Ingleton.
You'll see it in lights.
I'll be an overnight success.
I shall rock the musical world.
I'll even be mates with Pavarotti, how about that? I can do it! All right, I'll see you, Pavvey! (LAUGHING) I can do it! Oh, yes.
Yes, it's coming back to me.
It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget.
Eh! There's always one of you lot being excessively physical for a catering establishment.
It's just animal magnetism.
Well, I've got news for you, Fido.
Your coat's in need of a good brush.
I was just sitting here quietly thinking, ''What are the chances of Pavarotti having a mate called Billy Ingleton?'' Guilt by association.
There's always one of you faffing about.
Normal customers just come in, sit down, eat their food and go out again.
He thinks he's on a cricket pitch.
Cricket pitch? I I wasn't bowling, madam.
I was throwing a hand grenade.
Oh, that's all right, then.
As long as you weren't playing cricket.
Well, come in.
You might as well.
Looks like it's my morning for barmpots.
What's up with her? Well, the woman is quite unreasonable.
I mean, a chap throws a hand grenade Anyway, I'm glad I found you.
I'm looking for somebody that appreciates music.
Somebody with real feeling for music.
-Pass.
-Never touch it.
I think I may safely say that when it comes to musical appreciation, I am in the forefront.
I have an outstanding collection of military-band music.
Just what I'm looking for.
(ALL STRAINING) Thee and tha big mouth! Keep your side up.
How far are we going with this? Just to Auntie Wainwright's.
Just! Just? Ho-ho.
That's like saying, ''Just as far as the lair of the dragon lady.
'' I am not going to Auntie Wainwright's.
I swore a solemn oath.
You'll be perfectly safe.
She's bought the piano.
She's buying, not selling.
Once she gets us in the shop, she'll be selling.
Let's worry about that when we get there.
If we ever get there.
Yeah, well, if you don't mind, I'll worry about it now.
They say that garlic keeps away vampires.
I wonder what you can do with gravy granules.
Steady.
Steady.
(RESONATING DEEP CHORD) My Barry's quite a heavy sleeper.
They usually are.
One thing they can do is sleep.
A man can sleep in a chair.
You think you're having a conversation, and there it is, asleep in a chair.
They even learn to grunt in the right places.
Sometimes think mine's asleep even when he's awake.
My Barry looks lovely when he's asleep.
Ooh, I could cuddle him.
Will you be quiet? We are married, Mother.
I don't care.
I'm married, but I don't go round cuddling your father.
Colour's not fast.
Comes off on your apron.
She's very young.
She'll grow out of it.
Well, I blame the women's magazines these days.
In my day, all they taught you was how to make jam.
They have some funny ideas these days about the physical side of things.
Mine certainly does.
I used to think the physical side of marriage is best served by keeping them wallpapering.
When they've been up and down stepladders a few times, they're not much trouble.
And Ovaltine was a blessing.
Or a bump on the head.
Mine came home this morning with a bump on his head.
They do.
They get things like bumps on their heads.
I can't remember my Barry being injured.
I should hope not, when he's employed in a clerical capacity.
How did he get a bump on his head? He has no idea.
He says something fell from the sky.
Such as what? He thinks he might have been struck by a meteorite.
(ALL SIGH) -Cake? -Ooh, I'll have that one.
How do you like being musical, then? Eh, it's a bit draughty.
(CHUCKLING) Career'll be nice for the wife, too.
Cor! Me becoming famous! And it'll get her mother off me back.
'Course, I'm gonna be away a lot giving concerts.
(SCOFFS) Well, they'll just have to lump it, won't they? I mean, you can't expect to become world famous without some sort of inconvenience, can you? Oh, and I'll need some new pyjamas.
(HORN HONKING) Ahh! Hey! You could have nipped a promising career in the bud then! What the devil are you doing in the middle of the road? What happened? I think they nearly ran over a mate of Pavarotti's.
That man, what are you doing wandering about in the middle of the road? -Are you lost? -Lost? Lost? I'll give you lost.
I'm just about to be discovered.
Never mind about lost.
CLEGG: Oh, dear.
Oh, me knees.
Hey, stand back.
What's that? Well, what's that in the back there? It is.
(LAUGHING) It's a piano.
He's sharp, is this one.
It's an omen.
Yet another omen.
Something's happened.
They should have been here by now.
-You'll have to go find it.
-Oh, they're on their way.
They can't just lose a piano.
They could have had an accident.
I'm not going if there's any blood.
Don't look at the blood.
Just check my piano for scratches.
Oh.
Take me a week to walk all that way.
(SIGHS) You've never really got the hang of being forceful and executive, have you? (TSKING) Wait here.
And don't move.
Conserve your energy.
Oh.
Here.
You can go on this.
Oh, yes.
That's very thoughtful.
That'll be a pound.
What for? For the hire of the bicycle.
-(GROANS) -Oh, stop moaning.
You're getting staff discount.
Ah! What d'you know? Ever since I was a lad, I've always lacked confidence in my playing.
Just a little bit more confidence, and these fingers could have been Beethoven, Mozart, Lily Hammond.
Who's Lily Hammond? Well, she's a pub pianist in the other valley.
Oh, she's got a brilliant left hand.
And quite a striking chest in some of the frocks she performs in.
Aw, I'm itching to have a go on this.
Right here.
My first public performance.
First? What happened to Beethoven and Mozart and Lily Hammond? I told you, I used to lack confidence.
But, of course, that was before self-hypnosis.
It all changed when I discovered self-hypnotism.
And now, here I am, all psyched-up and ready to play in public, and I haven't got a piano.
All I need is a piano.
I'm a world-class pianist.
He's a world-class idiot.
I like him.
You always like idiots.
That's true.
But look at the practice I get.
I had this wonderful dream.
I could see myself playing in the Royal Albert Hall.
Can't play out here.
I'm not undoing those ropes.
We have to get this piano back to town.
Oh, it fits like a glove.
You can always tell.
Oh, I love this instrument.
Destiny brings us together.
Is it for sale? (RINGS BELL) (PANTING) How long are you going to be with Auntie Wainwright's piano? She's fretting over her piano.
The gentleman wishes to know if it's for sale.
AUNTIE WAINWRIGHT: (OVER PA) I'll be with you in a minute.
Just stop there.
And don't touch anything.
You could be electrocuted.
All items of value are plugged straight into the mains.
Oh.
Well, an old lady has to protect herself.
Now, I know you're family, Howard, and I love you dearly, but that doesn't entitle you to a discount.
I've never asked for a discount.
As long as we've got that clear.
You like reading? Ah, yes.
I like reading.
I've got just the thing for you.
Here it is, a three-piece suite.
For reading? Well, where are you going to be more comfortable doing your reading than sprawled out on this? Actually, I'm looking for helmets.
Cycling helmets.
(INAUDIBLE) Don't go away.
There must be something.
(RINGS BELL) (PANTING) (STAMMERING) What are we stopping for now? Look, do you mind? We're in the middle of trying to sell a piano here.
Why does that require a pub? Look, you sell pianos the way you like, and we'll sell pianos the way we like.
Come on, Ingle.
Just as long as we don't have to actually go inside Auntie Wainwright's.
(STAMMERING) We can't leave the piano unguarded out here.
Quite right.
Good man.
You stay out here and guard it.
(GROANS) Hey, a thought just occurred to me.
What am I doing buying the drinks? Because tha's buying the piano.
Sounds logical to me.
Are we sending a drink out to Smiler outside? The man's on sentry.
You don't send drinks to men on sentry.
Well, that sounds logical.
How much then for t'piano? What are you offering? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, steady down a bit.
See, it all depends on the maker's name.
I had this dream, as clear as day.
I could see meself playing in me first international concert.
I could see the piano.
I could even read the maker's name.
What was it? Uh, Wigglesworth Clack-Heaton.
Wigglesworth? Clack-Heaton? Well, it doesn't sound Iike a piano maker's name.
They're usually German.
Well, that's it.
Adolf Wigglesworth Clack-Heaton.
Thank you.
Oh, how can you say it's not what you had in mind? It's just you.
It's perfect.
It's It's not really a cycling helmet.
So you've been upgraded.
I'd only do it for family, lad.
That's a genuine antique helmet.
I just want it to ride a bicycle, not a Fokker triplane.
I could let you have the pair very reasonable.
-And goggles? -You're in luck.
A matching set.
Don't scratch it.
Oh, good grief, man, do I look like a scratcher? (SCOFFS) You know, if this is a genuine Wigglesworth Clack-Heaton, I just know that it could take me to the To the peak of my profession.
I'm sure I've seen that name somewhere.
In the chip shop on the fish fryers.
''That Billy Ingleton,'' they'll all say, ''he never plays anything but a Wigglesworth Clack-Heaton.
'' And for an encore he can do cod and chips.
Well, there's no name here.
Well, if it started off as a fish fryer and finished up like that, would you put your name to it? Oh, I love it anyway.
And I know in my heart that it's a Wigglesworth Clack-Heaton.
Don't scratch it! She'll have a fit, will Auntie Wainwright.
Will you be quiet, that man? We're not novices here.
(NERVOUSLY) He's covered in oil.
You're a bundle of nerves, man.
I mean, he's always covered in oil.
What's wrong with oil? Wonder if he's got it on his pyjamas.
Why not? You have.
No maker's name anywhere.
I wonder if it's inside.
Coo-ee! Howard? It's me.
Are you there, Howard? Oh, I must be here first.
It looks very forward when a lady's here first.
Whoever you are, I am spoken for! It's me, love! -Howard? -Yes, love.
Why are you wearing that thing? Well, it's a perfect disguise.
It certainly fooled me.
Nobody's ever going to recognise us wearing these.
I hope I didn't hurt you defending myself too briskly.
Oh, you've got very powerful reactions.
You always know how to flatter a girl.
Well, are you coming out, or shall I come in? Well, there's nothing under there.
Can't see anything here.
She'll know if it's been tampered with.
You know, now I've got me confidence, I could tour the world with this piano.
(PIANO PLAYS OUT OF TUNE) I think she needs her tappets adjusting.
I knew it.
They bent it.
Bit damp, that's all.
I've got a ferret like that.
That's nice.
You'll be able to go on tour with Mr Ingleton.
The wife'll moan, of course.
Well, she'll hate the garlic, won't she? Well, I'll just have to keep on telling her that Pavarotti eats garlic.
(PLAYS MASTERFULLY) (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, well, it doesn't sound like a concert piano.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll have her tuned.
And then when the money starts rolling in, I'll have her done up.
I feel the same way about Nora Batty.
Have to get planning permission.
I mean, she's probably a listed building.
I might paint her white.
You can't paint mahogany.
That's sacrilege.
Well, you know what we're like in show business, don't you? We're expected to be a bit flash.
You know, when I'm not performing, I shall probably wear some big earrings and some Bermuda shorts.
My God, he has got his confidence back.
Hey, let's have another look.
I think he's just an idiot.
Oh, be fair.
He's quite a big idiot.
Hey, there's something down there.
It could be the maker's name.
Yeah.
Oh, look, right down the bottom.
There's something down here! She'll kill me if he scratches it.
Hello? Is that the police? I want to report a missing piano.
That's what I said, a piano.
I have sent people to look for it, and they've gone missing as well.
It's a grand piano in very good condition, so when you do find it, don't scratch it.
(ALL STRAINING) Can you wriggle backwards a bit? BILLY: (MUFFLED) I can't wriggle anywhere! I'm hooked on some wires! He's probably hooked on some wires.
-A shrewd guess.
-I'm mechanically-minded.
I said he was an idiot! Oh, nobody's arguing.
He can't stop in there.
He's not paid a deposit.
Concentrate and we all pull together and we'll get him out.
Teamwork is often the answer.
It depends how much he's fast.
-Did he find the label? -Did you find your label? (MUFFLED VOICE) (PIANO STRINGS PLUCKING) I don't think he found the label.
All right, let's give it one good tug and we'll probably get him out.
Now, take your time from me.
One, two, three, tug! (PIANO STRINGS RUMBLING) One, two, three, tug! One, two, three, tug! Don't scratch it! One last time.
One, two, three, tug! (ALL GRUNTING) Hold it! What's headquarters talking about? A missing piano? How the hell can you have a missing piano? Ah, they've got it wrong.
They must have got it wrong.
Stolen piano I can understand.
But missing piano? They've got it wrong.
I've told you.
They've garbled the message or something.
It's too unusual.
One thing you can rely on is nothing unusual ever happens round here.
(RUMBLING) That's it! It must be the missing piano! Don't panic! Don't panic! It's no good.
We're going to have to take him somewhere where we can cut him free.
Come on, let's get it on the loader.
Oh, they'll scratch it.
-Who was that waving at you? -At me? That man's legs were waving at you.
Oh, Howard, I think you're jealous.
Well, with other men's legs waving at you.
I can't go on, Howard, if you don't trust me.
I do trust you.
I really do.
I'd trust you anywhere.
Nothing will ever come between us.
-Oh, Howard.
-Oh, Marina.
(TYRE LEAKING AIR) (GROANING) Oh, my.
Oh, my back.
-There's a scratch! -Well, why don't you play it, Mr Ingleton? Oh, not now.
I need to be dressed properly, don't I? Well, you are now.
I mean bow tie and tails.
Bow tie and tails (PLAYING PIANO) I need an audience.
Well, you've got an audience.
No, no, no.
I mean a big audience.
I'm ready now.
Yes, I'm ready.
And I mean ready! Get it tuned and I will show you.
Are we going? I don't see why not.
I like a bit of music.
Good music.
I don't like this crash-wallop stuff.
Oh, I know.
It's come to something where music is so terrible they have to get drugged to listen to it.
Who'd ever have thought that music would get so bad you needed an anaesthetic.
We were lucky in our day when we were young.
We had a war and the Blitz, but at least there were no discos! There's no wonder there's so many bad marriages.
They can't see who they're courting in those places.
And when they come out, they think they've found the ideal partner because the world suddenly seems so peaceful.
They don't realise they've all gone deaf.
-You're going! -I don't think I want to.
A bit of lightly classical music will do you no harm.
Not after all that rubbish that you're always playing on that old Land Rover of yours.
Now, you are going to put on your suit, and you are taking me to listen to Mr William Ingleton.
I've heard him.
I was there when they found him.
I was there when he got stuck in the piano.
You're going! Them chairs are very hard in the civic hall.
Well, it doesn't matter if that end goes numb.
I mean, that's not the end you need to listen to classical music.
Here, try it down there.
No, no, the other side of the piano.
-It's heavy! -Rubbish.
You see people at weddings with more than that in their buttonholes.
(BOTH GRUNT) (SIGHS) No, I don't think so.
Make your mind up! Look, you can't rush these things.
These are artistic decisions.
I tell you what, I hate music.
It pulls your muscles.
A little more to the left.
(GRUNTING) You know what's wrong, don't you? -I know what's wrong.
I'm thirsty.
-It's funny you should say that.
The conductor's got his name on.
Ingleton's got his name on.
As the organiser of this concert, I ought to have my name on.
In bigger letters than anybody else, I suppose.
There is no need to take the mickey.
No, discreetly in small letters, but somewhere where they catch the eye.
Oh, well, I tell you what catches the eye.
Those plants that we've been lugging about.
They catch the eye, the ear, the nose.
They're prickly! They add the finishing touch to the stage decorations.
People are not coming to see the plants! They're coming to hear the Holme Band and Ingleton.
That's if he's there.
How d'you mean, ''If he's there''? We're putting the whole damn thing on for him.
Hmm.
But suppose his hypnosis has worn off.
Suppose he's lost his confidence again.
That is not a very happy Foggy.
Looks like a tense life, being a concert promoter.
He has.
He's gone.
Where? Well, she said anywhere, till after the concert.
His confidence has gone.
I could have done it.
I could have been great.
All I needed was confidence.
I could still do it.
I could still go back there and do it.
You can do it, Ingleton.
You've got the confidence, self-hypnosis You can do it.
I will do it! Billy Ingleton, you're right! Yes, you can do it! No, I can't do it.
-There he is.
-Hmm? Ah! You can't duck out now, man.
(STAMMERING) Well, normally I wouldn't, but you see, well Me loud pedal leg's gone.
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN) There's nothing you can do once your loud pedal leg's gone.
I know what's gone.
It's his confidence what's gone.
Well, we'll soon fix that.
(TRAIN HORN BLOWS) (DOORS OPENING) (GASPS) It's no good.
I can't do it.
Yes, you can do it.
Not with me loud pedal leg, I can't.
(EXCLAIMING) I tell you what.
Let's have a rehearsal while there's no one here.
We've got to get your confidence back.
(LAUGHING) I don't know what you two are laughing about.
If he can't go on, you'll have to do something.
We've got an audience coming.
-Is he ready? -He's coming.
Right, lads, we're off! Keep your eyes on the road! You can do it.
I can do it.
(CHUCKLES) I can't do it.
(DOOR OPENS) Never mind the hypnosis.
Get some of this down him.
We ought to listen to him.
He gets some good ideas! (SIGHS) (PANTING) 'Ey-up! Tha's not the only one with a bad loud pedal leg, tha knows! Hmm! (PANTING) Hey, it's working! It's definitely working! (LAUGHING) Well, that's one leg full.
Now for the other! Leave that alone.
I have to breathe occasionally.
You'll have to drive.
I can't drive in this collar.
Have you been moving things about again? -What things? -This thing here.
That's the gear lever.
It's always there.
It wasn't there last time.
It was an automatic you were driving that time.
There y'are, you see.
He has been moving things about.
Where are you going, woman? We should have gone right.
I know that.
I was going right.
It's this thing that goes left.
How could it go left if you wanted to go right? It's you! You fiddle about until nobody knows where they're going.
Will you keep him upright? Have you tried handling a limp Ingleton? They slip through your fingers.
I think both his loud pedal legs have gone! (SLURRING SPEECH) Stand back, stand back.
Get out of my way! (LAUGHING) I'm ready Hey, you deliberately dropped me, then, didn't you? (SLURS AND LAUGHS) You've given him too much.
Well, he wanted his confidence back.
Well, we'll be all right when we get him to a piano.
We can sit down with him and get him sober.
-Come on.
-(GRUNTING) A piano.
Take me to the piano.
I'm ready.
I'm proud to say that I have rediscovered my confidence.
(CRASHING) We're not late.
Are we late? (BOTH GROANING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) (MUSICIANS TUNING UP) (APPLAUSE) -(TUBA PLAYS LOW NOTE) -(EXCLAIMS) (PLAYING BAND MUSIC) Come out! Come, the concert's started! Come out, that man.
Come out, man.
You're nearly on.
I've got a confession to make.
Oh, not now.
There isn't time.
There's time for this.
I think we'd better listen.
I think he means it.
Well, what is it then? Speak up.
I can't play.
But you've got to play.
They're waiting.
I can't play the piano.
But it's your piano, and you You bought it.
You said you loved it.
I do love it.
But I can't play it.
I've never been able to play the piano.
But we heard thee play it! Those first few notes I learnt by heart.
When I was young.
That's the only bit of music I know.
After that there's nothing.
(PIECE ENDS) MAN: Eli! -Oh, dear.
-(CHUCKLES) (TAPPING MICROPHONE) FOGGY: (ON PA) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr William Ingleton will entertain on the piano forte.
(APPLAUSE FADES) (KNUCKLES CRACKING LOUDLY) (APPLAUSE) (PLAYING DRAMATIC INTRO) (MOANING) Come on, hurry up.
Don't panic, don't panic.
Everything's in hand.
I think I need another drink.
FOGGY: (ON PA) And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) # Gotta get my old tuxedo pressed # I gotta sew a button on my vest # 'Cause tonight I gotta look my best # Nora's back in town # Gotta slick my shoes and shine my hair # I gotta put things in order here and there # Gotta get myself a nice boutonniere # Nora's back in town # You can tell all my pets # All my Harlem coquettes # Mister Otis regrets, he regrets # That he won't be around # Now you can tell the mailman not to call # I ain't coming home until the fall # And I might not get back home at all # Nora's back in town (SCATTING) # Oh, you can tell all your pets # All your Harlem coquettes # That Mister Otis regrets, he regrets # That he won't be around # Now, you better tell the mailman not to call # I ain't coming home until the fall # And I might not get back home at all # Nora # Yeah, Nora # 'Cause Nora's back in town # Now, remember, no more concerts.
Oh, no, no.
Never ever.
(CHUCKLES) I still enjoyed the way you played your introduction.
Well, thank you.
You know, if only I had the confidence, I'm sure I could try just once more.
-Watch it.
-All right, sorry, sorry.
I promise.
-Bye-bye.
-Bye.
Bye.
I was right.
He was an idiot.
I liked him as well.