South Park s16e01 Episode Script

Throw it here! Throw it here! Yeah! Nice one, Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry! What is that? A toilet.
That's right.
It's a toilet, Clyde.
And where is the toilet seat? It's up.
Because you left it up.
Again! We've been through this a countless times, Clyde.
Okay mom, just not in front of my friends okay? No, not okay.
Because you aren't getting the message! What if I'd fallen in? Start listening to me! Put it down! Put it down! Thank you.
Dude, that sucks, Clyde.
A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet-time like that.
Toilet-time is the last bastion of American freedom.
Is your mom always like that, dude? Look, could you guys not say anything about this in school, please? Ofcourse man.
It's cool.
Clyde, Clyde! What have I told you about pissing on the seat? and Clyde's all like Okay mom, fuck! Not in front of my friends! Cartman, it was actually really lame.
I know, right! Women are just jealous 'cause they have to face outwards to pee and crap.
Wait a minute You're supposed to poop on the toilet facing out? But I thought you sit on the toilet this way.
So that you have that nice little shelf for your comics and chocolatemilk.
Well, because you got the flusher right here No? Oh jeez, that's embarrassing.
Clyde! Clyde! Aah, there you are! Mom? Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant! Why? What have I told you about putting the toiletseat down after you go to the bathroom? Mom, I'm in class.
How many times do I have to tell you, Clyde? I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again.
Betsy, come back home, it's just not that big a deal.
No, Roger.
It's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it.
If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina.
My grandma is from Virginia.
You're coming home right now, and you're putting the seat where it belongs.
Dude, I'm telling you it was freaking hysterical.
Clyde had to get up in middle of class and follow his mom home to put the seat down.
He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die.
I know, fat-ass.
I was there.
His mom His mom goes Clyde, you're an asshole and now I have toilet water in my vagigi.
That's not what she said.
You're putting extra's on it again.
It's not that funny.
I know dude.
The bathroom is the last bastion of American freedoom.
Don't you feel just a little bad for Clyde? Uh uh.
Well you should.
The poor guy shouldn't be screamed at for something that isn't that big a deal at all.
What's going on? They're trying to save Clydes mom.
From what? They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.
Hang in there.
You're going to be fine okay? Stay with me now.
I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.
What?! When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush.
It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides.
Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing? Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that the change in pressure will rip out her organs.
But she's not going to die, is she? Why did you leave the toilet seat up, son? Clyde! Clyde! Clyde! I want you to know that I don't blame you for this.
We should've been harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up.
Mom, I'm sorry.
Idon't have a lot of time, Clyde.
Just please put the seat down from now on.
for your sisters sake, please.
Oh, God, please let me go.
Let me go.
Do it! Do it! Do it! Mom? I'll always remember Betsy Donovans kind nature, more then anything.
She always treated people with dignity and respect.
What a tradegy she had to leave us so soon.
But I'm sure Betsy is hoping that her dead will help women everywhere just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet.
I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a womens responsibility to see that the seat is down.
It's a mens responsibility to put it down.
It's not that hard.
Yeah, yes.
That's right.
Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard.
So is it too much too ask women to just look? And put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl? My God, people.
This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There is a little boy here who has lost his mother! He'll never see her again! Because he couldn't take that sixth- tenth of a second to put the seat down when he was done peeing.
And now little Clyde's mother is dead.
And the blood is on his penis.
It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.
Hi Ugly Bob.
Hi Terrance, hi Phillip.
Mom, get the door! You're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
How come you guys sayt stuff like that? Because you're goddamn ugly Hello mam, we're the toilet safety administration.
The what? After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check all toilets.
Can we come in? Sure.
Who are these buttholes? It's the toilet safety administration, hun.
They're going to do something to the potty.
My potty? What are they going to do to it? He, he! That's my bathroom.
Oh yeah, we're going to have to completely redo this mam.
You need to have this counter moved a minimum of six inches But we'll go ahead and install your safety belt.
--Safety belt? Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a harnes so nobody can fall in.
Dude, you can't make me wear a seatbelt to take a dump.
This is for your safety.
A woman died, you know.
Yeah, but the bloods on Clyde's weiner, not mine.
Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde.
Everywhere he goes people are telling him he has blood on his weiner.
Uh-uh, go on.
We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault.
Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.
So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.
You can always sue somebody.
All right, you see, Clyde.
Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet.
You got it.
Here we go, the inventor of the toilet.
Sir Thomas Harrington.
In England, died in 1692.
Aw, he's dead? So, then we can't sue him? Why not? You can always sue somebody.
Just going to take some special protocol.
We would have to perform a suance.
Aaaa suance? You bet.
Here at Hoffman and Turk we specialize in suing the dead.
If you hire us, we'll work hard for you.
Wow, really?! You hear that, Clyde? Now look, I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face your fears.
I warn you boys.
A suance can be very expensive.
How expensive? How much do you have? Clyde got $3000 from his moms life insurrance.
Wow! That's exactly how much a suance costs.
Wow, that's weird.
Damn it! He, he, officer.
If you're sitting on the toilet you need to wear your safety belt, sir.
Yeah, I know, I had it on.
I just took it of for a second to get the uh to get The address here is 260 avenue de los Mexicanos? Ooh, come on, don't give me a ticket! Got to wear the safety belt or you could fall in.
I'm nog going to fall in.
I'm not a chick.
The law is the law, sir.
You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date.
Have a good day, sir.
Yeah, thanks.
Asshole.
You say something? No, I was talking to my asshole.
Come on, asshole.
Let get back to work.
This is unbelievable.
Stupid toilet safety administration.
You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a fourty-minute line! Shoes off, belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray! This is inhumane.
Shut up! Sir.
Taking a dump today, mam? No, just need to pee.
I'll just need to check inside your asshole.
Hee, how about you people speed it up in here? I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilets right now! Do you mind if I toch your balls, sir? What? Yes I'd mind! Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls? Okay, I'm done.
Right, sir.
I just need to check inside your asshole.
I don't need you wiping my ass for me.
I am a grown man.
Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir? Yeah, I'm a big boy.
That's a big boy, sir.
I'm a big boy.
I took a big boy poop.
Yes.
Alright boys, sit down and clear your minds.
The suance is about to begin.
Doors and windows are locked.
You boys have your $500 in cash ready? Yeah.
Alright.
Then I've got this big bowl set here, to catch all money were about to make.
Now.
Let us start.
We call out to the land of the dead.
Sir John Harrington Your presence is requested.
Appear to us, John Harrington.
We have a subpoena.
Jeez, it's not working.
John Harrington.
My client is due compensation for negligence.
What is your name, spirit? Burns.
Jimmy Burns.
What's it to you? Who are you, mugs? That's how people talked in the past.
We have a claim against a John Harrington.
Do you know him spirit? Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't.
Might need a little something something to jar my memory.
We got to grease him.
Put a hundred in the box.
Oh yeah, Harrington.
I know him.
Always going round inventing things.
Yes, that's him.
Is his personage amongst you? Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't.
Give him another hundred.
Yeah, I've seen him around, alright.
He was just down that way.
Bragging about some porcelain machine.
No! No! By the power of Christ, we sue you.
By the power of Christ, we sue you.
You can't sue me! Quick, put the other $300 in the box! This actualy went really, really well.
Always happens some burocrate tries to block the first sue ons attempt.
But this was good.
We'll get him tomorrow.
So, that's it? Yeah, were going to need about 400 more dollars tomorrow.
I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde.
But don't worry.
We're going to win this thing.
Put your coffee in the plastic tray, please, sir.
Shoes off.
Belts off.
Yeah, yeah.
Got any metal in your pockets? I just need to check your asshole.
So ridiculous.
Asshole clear.
Thanks.
Pick your coffee up, sir.
Anyways, he says i'm getting nothing anyway, so you can Hee, what's that thing? That's a camera.
It's a security camera.
You people have me on camera now? It's okay sir.
There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location.
How long are we going to sit around while our freedoms are stripped away one by one.
Time for us to stand together and say, we want the goverment out of our bathrooms.
Now listen.
All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down.
If they can't raise or lower, there's zero change of anyone falling in.
If there's no toilet seats, the goverment can't make toilet seat laws.
No, no.
hold on.
If the seat can't raise up the men will just pee all over it.
No, we won't.
Yeah, you will.
Well, sorry if women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rimm.
But its a far beter solution then having the goverment in our batrooms, right? How about we agree to that, if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate.
Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee.
How could we play sink the boat? Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights? What about us loggers? Hardworking men who like to stand up after they have taken a poo and then turn around and cut their poo in half with their urine? Sorry, but if we don't want the goverment treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee our feces in half.
But folks been logging round these parts for generations.
My papy taught me logging.
And his papy before him.
Yeah, I think we just got to live with the TSA.
Yeah, yeah.
Merciful summary on behalf of the plaintive? What's happening now? Our motion has been denied by the judge.
Concentrate boys! This Spectre is like none I have ever encountered.
He managed to avert liability within injunction against our claim.
So, what does that mean? We'll hit him with a class-action lawsuit tomorrow.
We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in 50 bucks each.
What?! Hang in there, Clyde.
This is all to make the world a safer place.
Security breach! An embarrassing day for the toilets safety administration.
Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby.
Leaving the toilet seat up.
The head of TSA chief of operations had this to say; Shit! Meanwhile, outraged civilians claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown goverment bureaucracy.
What good is the TSA if they're not protecting us? Why have we given up freedom if terrorists can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet? And the toilet seat was up.
We've all stood by as mother goverment is taking our dignity.
That's right! Now it is time to take responsibility for ourselves.
It is time for all of us to grow up.
That's right.
It is time for a suance.
Wait, what? What the fuck is a suance? Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse where experts have succesfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor sir John Harrington.
Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead.
lawyers are going to try and sue him.
Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negliglence has cost tax payers millions.
No! No! You will be sooth, spirtit.
Thy liability is without question.
Appear before this court, Harrington.
Never! Quick, everyone, get out all your money.
Clyde? Clyde? Mom? This lawyer is a fraud.
He has been swindeling you and your friends for your money.
Fuck me, it's a ghost.
You can't sue the dead, Clyde.
Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette.
It's common sense, Clyde.
Oh boy, here we go.
Don't try and blame mommies death on anything but your faillure.
to do something I have asked you time and time again to do.
It's your fault.
Now hold on just a second! It's not anyone's fault.
I'am sick and tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine.
There he is.
Sir John Harrington.
Quick, sue him! You can't sue me.
You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way.
When you have to sit and take a sir Harrington you're suppoosed to be facing this way.
So you can use the little shelf for your books, and your quill and your ink.
Aha! I told you you should sit on it that way! I told you! Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a sir Harrington you have to stand up, turn around a look right down at your Harrington to flush.
That's gross.
Yes, but But if you sit on it that way, you have to take your pants all the way off.
Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole? That's what that hole is for? Oops.
So then so then Clydes moms ghost was all like Clyde, what have I told you Clyde, you asshole! And Clyde is all like Mom leave me alone! I'm seriously.
Stop, please! Dude, it was a riot.
That's not what I said.
Yeah, well I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over.
I know you've had a tough week, Clyde.
But at least your mom didn't die for nothing.
I mean We're kinda right back at to the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom so, technically your mom did die for nothing, but Clyde? Clyde? Clyde, you there? Hello?