Family Guy s16e02 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! (FOOD SIZZLING) Wow, you guys.
I've never been to a restaurant where they cook right in front of you.
Ugh.
You know, later we're going to have to take one of those forced happiness family photos that come in the restaurant's tacky frame.
Why are you so (BLEEP) negative all the time? I uh wha I don't uh, what? Come on, you guys, relax.
Let's have a fun night.
We haven't done anything as a family since we sat courtside at that NBA game.
(SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ON COURT, CROWD GASPS) You okay? You guys, okay? Great seats.
Yeah, it's a whole different game when you sit down here.
Huh, "samurai" or "geishas.
" Which one am I? I'll just wait till somebody else goes in.
Well, that wasn't helpful.
Hmm, this one's holding a fan.
That's usually what I need when I'm done in a bathroom.
Oop, no urinals.
Must've guessed wrong.
Wow, look at this place.
There's candles, hand lotion.
Whoa, there's not even any swastikas carved into the toilet seat.
And it's so peaceful.
I haven't heard a guy's booming fart the whole time I've been in here.
I feel more relaxed than a chick on Facebook with her legs in front of a pool.
- (NOTIFICATIONS BEEPING) - All right, Lois, I'm off to the mall.
I'll be back in about 20 minutes.
Oh, what are you gonna buy? Nothing.
After the other night, I made a decision: from now on, I'm only using women's restrooms.
What? You can't do that.
You're a man.
You'll get in trouble.
Oh, I got that covered.
I'm going to Anthropologie.
I'll just ask them for something so ridiculous, they'll have to check in the back for it.
And then I'll sneak into their ladies' room.
Yes, I'd like a $4,000 ping-pong table that's shaped like Easter Islan We have one right over there.
Okay.
How about a telephone that's made of vintage phone book paper and doesn't make or receive phone calls or work in any way? You mean like this one right here? - Right, but what if I wanted - Sir, sir? There's nothing you can possibly imagine that's strange or useless enough that we don't have it here at Anthropologie.
I know one thing you don't have, black customers.
Ah! I'm melting! Ha-ha! To the ladies' room! Wow, this is the nicest one yet.
Eh, what are the odds she's gonna show up? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (WOMAN CLEARS THROAT) Did you get your ass kicked by Meryl Streep? No, it was just some low-class cockney woman from the mid-1800s and (GASPS) Bravo! She is amazing.
(MERYL STREEP'S VOICE): Thank you.
Stay out of my crapper.
(APPLAUSE) And the Oscar goes to Meryl Streep, for Stay Out of My Crapper.
(TRIUMPHANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) (APPLAUSE) Ah, the ladies' room at Wimbledon.
This must be the fanciest bathroom in the world.
Uh-oh, looks like these are in use.
(WOMEN GRUNTING BACK AND FORTH) (GRUNTS LOUDLY) (APPLAUSE) Deuce.
Hey, uh, don't tell Mom that we don't use car seats with me.
Unhand me! What do you think you're doing?! Okay, Stewie, you're gonna help Daddy by holding his iPad while he watches season one of House of Cards.
(HOUSE OF CARDS THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Wh where was the house? Where was the house of cards? All right, Stewie, time to go.
Whoa, whoa.
(CHUCKLES) A little wobbly.
Guess my legs fell asleep.
(YELLS) Aah! Stewie, Daddy can't feel his legs.
Go get help! I'm hanging from a door, you idiot! (YELLS) (GRUNTS) By the way, you're down to five percent battery.
Oh, damn it, my head.
Well, no wonder you're running all the apps at once.
(GROANS) MAN: Sir? Sir, can you hear me? There he is.
Welcome back, buddy.
- Who are you? - I'm a paramedic.
Name's Stryker Foxx.
(BELL CHIMES) Oh, Lois just texted.
"Burgers or meatballs for dinner?" I'll text back for you.
"Same thing, bitch.
Just different shapes.
" (IPAD CHIMING RAPIDLY) (CHUCKLES): Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Oh, battery died.
Sir, you've sustained a head injury.
How many chicken fingers am I holding up, and do you want one? Three, and hell yeah! Mmm.
Aw.
These are amazing! Did I die and go to heaven? Well, you didn't die, 'cause I saved you.
And you're not in heaven 'cause you're not holding a margarita.
Oh, wait a minute, yes, you are.
You brought a lot of food in the bathroom.
I always do.
Oh, my God.
Are you the coolest guy ever? Ah, that's just a silly title they gave me down at the Karate Paintball Dirt Bike Club.
Awesome! Okay, well, bandaged you up.
You should be good to go.
But just be more careful next time.
I know.
What a stupid injury, huh? I haven't been this embarrassed since I was a rookie firefighter.
(ALARM RINGING) PETER: Sorry, first day.
Still learning.
Hey, Stryker, wait! Hey, listen, I just wanted to say thanks again for patching me up.
No problem, buddy.
Hey, that's an interesting necklace you got there.
Oh, this? It's from when I was a kid.
It's half of a "best friend" coin.
I always had this crazy dream that one day I'd run into the guy with the other half.
Oh, my God.
Cody? Oh, that must be the name of the dead surfer I found this on.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to the Olympics.
Ugh, it's so annoying.
They always use football announcers for events they know nothing about.
ANNOUNCER: The players are ready to take the swimming field.
(ALARM BUZZES) And they're swimming! They appear to be doing the forward stroke.
My neighbor has a pool.
I'll take a dip if I know they're on vacation.
It's neck-and-neck, and it looks like Canada won! Uh, no, they're going back the other way.
What do you think? How do I look? Like a gas station energy drink.
But you put that on to go to the Clam? Aren't the guys gonna think you're a little overdressed? Oh, I'm not hanging out with the guys.
I met someone new.
His name's Stryker and he's really cool.
Like, he's one of those guys whose forearm hair makes his watch look even cooler.
(PHONE RINGING) (GASPS) It's Stryker! I want him to think I was listening to a cool song.
Pump up the jam Yeah, who dis? Oh, hey, man.
Oh, nothing much.
Just getting slurped.
- Ew.
- Oh, you're almost here? Okay, just, uh, just give me a second so I can put away all my guitars.
Okay, Seacrest out.
Bye.
(MUSIC STOPS) What the hell was that? Lay off.
Nothing.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey, Peter.
Hey, man.
Hola, cha-cha, hi-hi.
- Peter! - I don't know.
It's-it's this house.
I-I got to get out of this house.
Boy, Dad sure seems excited.
I know.
I haven't seen him this giddy since he discovered that single-loop roller coaster.
(GIGGLES) Ah (GIGGLES) Ah (GIGGLES) Ah Uh, don't feel so good.
(RETCHES) Ew! Ah (RETCHES) Ew! Ah (RETCHES) Ew! Wow, what a cool loft.
I bet it cost a ton to make this place look unfinished.
Hey, come over here.
There's someone I want to introduce you to, 1997 George Clooney.
Wow! That's the coolest George Clooney there is! Hi, George Clooney, second worst Batman.
Peter Griffin, second best Homer.
You may have heard, I'm also known for my practical jokes on the set.
One time, I nailed Nora Dunn in the head with an apple.
(LAUGHS): That-that's hilarious 'cause you're handsome.
Otherwise, you're just some dick who hit a lady.
Aw, thanks for bringing me here, Stryker.
I'm having the best time ever.
Even better than when I lived in Santa Fe.
Have you ever seen a prettier sunset? Never.
It's just so peaceful here.
It sure is.
Mm.
Sure is.
Did you also have a very public meltdown in another city? - I did.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Ugh, it's the guys.
What do those losers want? Losers? Those are your friends.
Nah, they're lame.
Not one of them has ever vaped at a funeral.
Hey, Peter.
Hey, what are you doing tonight? We're gonna watch Cleveland put a garbage can full of coins in a Coinstar.
Sometimes it takes my buttons.
Eh, thanks, guys, but I-I can't make it.
I'm, um, I'm getting re-circumcised.
Got a wedding next week.
I just want to clean it up a bit.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah, maybe next time.
That sounds horrible.
Peter, why did you just lie to the guys? 'Cause I got plans with Stryker.
I don't want them to embarrass me.
Eh, I get where he's coming from.
That's why I never introduce you to my friends.
What friends? Like the guys in my photography club.
"Dear Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones and Jared from Subway, I feel like I'm the only one sending pics.
I love all the positive feedback, but maybe you guys send a pic? Anyway, here's more pics.
" Hey, you ever try that? Wingsuiting? I mean, basically, yeah.
One time, I jumped off a top bunk with a towel around my neck like a cape.
It was inside the IKEA.
I landed on a cardboard computer.
We should totally do that sometime.
Nah, I can't go back there.
They got my picture by the door.
Hey, he is in here.
What the hell are you guys doing here? We were coming back from the Coinstar and saw your car out front.
Rough night.
Turns out the can was all buttons.
We're not gonna make our mortgage.
What are you doing here? I thought you were too busy to go out tonight.
Peter, who are your friends? Oh, um Stryker, this is Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland.
How do you two know each other? Did you meet at the Harry Potter store? Peter loves that place.
It was one wand and I was using a gift certificate.
No, we actually met when I was administering first aid to him.
- I'm a paramedic.
- For real? Hey, can I show you seven or eight things on my body and ask for medical diagnosises? This thing here that looks like a second elbow, I don't know what it is.
Feels like it's filled with liquid.
Well, I could take a look at it.
No, no, no, guys, guys, it's his night off.
I have two pee holes.
Stop it! Stop it.
Guys, can I talk to you? Look, this, this right here is exactly why I've been avoiding you.
I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not "just some dude.
" He happens to be the first really cool friend I've ever had.
What are you talking about? We're cool.
You are absolutely not cool.
Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"? Hey, look, Peter, if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either.
Good.
Who needs you bums? I got Stryker.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk.
BOY: Cool wheelchair, dick.
JOE: Thanks.
Did you see the backpack hanging off it? Wow, you know, I never thought I could be talked into wingsuiting.
You're gonna love it.
It's just a short hike from here to the summit.
A hike? It's no problem.
Shouldn't affect my old football injury.
I spilled hot chili on my nuts.
You're a riot, Peter.
Hey, you sure you're up for this? Oh, hell yeah.
When I commit to something, I go all the way, like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice.
(KATHLEEN TURNER'S VOICE): Good morning, guys.
Peter, what's wrong with your voice? I got punched in the throat at the Clam last night.
Now I sound exactly like Kathleen Turner.
I'm just gonna get my stromboli.
Hey! Get away from my stromboli, Kathleen Turner! (SHOUTS) Wow, that's, uh that's some view.
I know, isn't it? You see that rock formation over there? We're gonna fly right through the center of it.
It's called threading the needle.
Totally intense.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
Or-or how about this? Maybe you jump off this cliff and I spin around over there and sing Sound of Music.
Or-or we could just go home and watch Sound of Music.
I can see you're a little nervous, Peter, but I'm telling you, it is easier than you think.
Watch.
Wow, look at him go.
You know, just when I thought he couldn't get any cooler, he goes (BLEEP) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh! What-what just There's almost nothing left of him! And I just know I'm gonna be the one to have to intify the body.
(CRYING): That's him.
Poor guy.
He looks like a bowl of tomato soup.
Guy next to him died in a fire He looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh, these two poor souls are the best combination for a rainy Saturday.
So, hey, guys.
What are we drinking? Beer? Hey, Quagmire, how about one of your famous sexual stories? Take a hike, Peter.
Ah, oh, you-you mean something Joe can't do? (LAUGHS) Friendly jokes indicating closeness.
We heard about Stryker dying.
Ah, craps.
Yeah, give it up.
We know the only reason you're here is 'cause your cool friend is gone.
That's right.
We're not your floppy seconds, Peter.
It's actually "sloppy.
" Well, for me, it's both.
But listen, you really hurt our feelings.
You can't just treat us like garbage and then expect us to take you back like nothing happened.
Okay, that's-that's too bad 'cause that was kind of my plan.
Well, you can go to hell, Peter.
We're tired of you taking us for granted.
Yeah, and this isn't even the first time you ditched us for someone else.
Remember when you blew us off to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld? Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a lot of Emmys now.
Yeah.
Why did your wife steal that cookbook? Peter, I'm sorry about your friend Stryker.
I know it's got to be hard to watch a man explode like a bug on a windshield.
No, it's not that I mean, I do see that every time I close my eyes But it's the guys.
They're really mad at me, and I'm-I'm afraid they don't want to be friends with me anymore.
Well, it's hard to blame them.
You treated them like you don't even care about them.
I do care about them.
It's just, when I hung around with Stryker, people thought I was cool, and it-it felt good.
No one ever thinks I'm cool.
Your friends thought you were cool, until you dumped them.
Oh, wow, I guess you're right.
I treated them like crap.
I just got to find a way to make it up to them.
You got any ideas? Mom? Dad? Can Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones and Jared from Subway spend the night? I don't know, Peter, but it's got to be something really meaningful, because imagine how they feel.
After all, you were willing to jump off a cliff for Stryker.
Well, they didn't say yes, but they didn't say no.
You're right.
Thanks, Lois.
And now I know exactly what I have to do.
Uh, where the hell are you going? Lois told me to go jump off a cliff to prove my friendship to the guys.
Are-are you, are you sure that's what she said? I-I don't know, Brian.
Her shirt was kind of open.
I was trying to get a peek down there.
Anyway, I got to go jump off a cliff.
Peter, wait.
H-Hold on.
This is crazy! Damn it.
Where's Peter going? Huh? Oh, for God's sake.
Hey, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe.
It's your buddy, Peter, and I'm about to thread the needle to prove to you guys how sorry I am and that I'd do anything to win you back.
And if something goes wrong and I don't survive, you can go ahead and delete the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR.
I'm-I'm never gonna watch that.
Okay, here goes nothing.
I just wish the sponsor on msuit was a little cooler.
CLEVELAND: Peter, stop! Don't jump! Brian told us you were gonna Why are you wearing a douche suit? They also make wipes! They're not known for their wipes.
Peter, you don't have to jump off a cliff to prove you're sorry.
Not all of us believe that, but we took a vote and I agreed I'd respect the majority.
Look, you really treated us badly, but the fact that you'd be willing to literally risk your life just to show us how much you care, well, that says a lot.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
If being cool means don't get to hang out with you guys, then I don't ever want to be cool.
What do you say? Can we just go back to being friends? - Of course.
- You bet.
Totes McGoats.
(LAUGHS) "Totes McGoats"? Maybe you guys are cool.
Fist bump.
Ah, crap! (SCREAMS) - Oh, my God! - Peter! Should I shoot him, make it go quicker? I got a shot.
Too late.
You didn't answer quick enough.
(SCREAMING) PETER: Hey, I'm doing it.
This ain't so hard.
Guys, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna thread the needle! QUAGMIRE: What? We can't hear you! We're very far away! Oh, my God, I did it! I was actually able to thread the Oh, crap, Canadian goose.
Look out, eh? (SCREAMING) (BIRDS SQUAWKING) Oh! Damn it! Ah! Son of a bitch! (SCREAMING) (GRUNTING) (GROANS) I think I'm okay.
Ah, nickels! Well, it's good to be back, you guys.
A-And I'm sorry again I dumped you for Stryker.
Who the hell is this Stryker guy you keep talking about? What do you mean? He's that cool, handsome guy I was friends with.
He's the whole reason I went wingsuiting and hurt my head.
Wingsuiting? Peter, you hurt your head in a ladies' bathroom.
Yeah, your legs fell asleep and you bashed it against a sink.
You were in a coma for two weeks.
You must've dreamed about this Stryker or something.
No, we were buddies.
We rode on his motorcycle.
And he introduced me to 1997 George Clooney.
Okay, well, right there you should've known it wasn't real.
Huh.
Well, whether it was real or not, I want you to know you are the best friends I've ever had.
Of course we know that, Peter.
Yeah, and we feel the same way.
Hey, this is a really weird question, but do you boys want to go out dancing? PETER: That night, we danced until the sun came up.
We forgot all about my coma and my crazy dream about a cool guy.
We were just four middle-aged men doing Ecstasy at a Mexican prom.
I'm Peter Griffin, and these are my stories.