Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e02 Episode Script

It's always the same - trouble.
What's the matter with him now? He's got indigestion.
What's he been eating? Paper.
Well, I hope you give him a bit of good gravy with it.
It's not mine.
It's HER paper.
He thinks I don't know.
He gets these notes from you know who.
Then he swallows them for security purposes.
Wouldn't be so bad, but it's scented notepaper.
NORA BATTY: You cheeky monkey! What's up with him? He's movin' fast for a late riser.
Oh.
I wish she wouldn't wear that hat.
KNOCK AT DOOR If that's you, Howard, the answer is no.
It's not Howard.
Get your coat on.
I want to show you something.
Whenever you appear, Foggy, I feel like I'm in the army again.
Funnily enough, I thought about the army this morning - lying in bed.
That was one thing the army was never good at - lying in bed.
Ah, I miss it, you know.
The excitement, and the danger and the blood.
You fainted on your first inoculation.
Yes, well, I wasn't battle hardened then, was I? Get your coat on.
All right, I'll not do it again.
You said that last time.
I were lying.
How do I know you're not lying now? It's one of life's uncertainties.
You shouldn't take advantage of a widow woman living alone.
There's no need to be alone.
I can move in wi' thee.
You can stay where you are.
It were just an idea.
No, not JUST an idea.
Don't be modest.
It's the WORST idea I've ever heard.
I'll wear thee down.
Give me twenty years and I'll have thee like that! Bah! Not like that.
Like that.
All right, well give us a clue.
What's this thing you're gonna show me? You'll see.
Straighten up, man! Chest out, shoulders back.
You look a disgrace.
Nobody's gonna mistake you for Errol Flynn this morning.
I can't help it.
I've been up half the night with indigestion.
Marina's notes He eats them for security purposes.
That's good practice.
I see nothing wrong with that.
Scented notepaper? It's not funny.
Yes, it is, Howard.
Come inside.
Browse around.
No obligation.
No thanks, love.
Just looking.
Is that your last word? Definitely.
Aah! Ohh! What's wrong, love? It's just me kidneys.
If I could just find me way back inside When the pain comes, everything's just a blur.
Ohhhh! Oh, is that you, mother? How much further? We're here.
What's round here so special to show us? This.
A hole in the road? Maybe it's his favourite hole in the road.
Don't start taking the mickey.
Just look at the size of it.
What does it remind you of? Well, look at it! Come on.
You remember.
The old slit trench.
I noticed it yesterday.
I thought, yes, the old slit trench! Tha means tha's brought us all this way to look at a hole in the road? It's not just a hole.
It's a memory.
That'll be one forty-five, please.
Thank you.
Would you like a bag, sir? What a pleasant young lady, whoever she is.
I might take advantage of your kind offer.
Thank you.
Call again.
I will, I will.
Oh, goody.
Another note.
Well, go on, then.
Get the feel of it.
Isn't it just the right size? I told you.
His favourite hole in the road.
Think of it as a slit trench.
The infantryman's friend.
It's great, this is.
We should run guided tours of this hole.
We'd be safe here from anything but a direct hit.
How long are we going to have to stand here wearing this slit trench? I must say it brings back memories.
You know, I've always wanted to dig one of these, but I knew he'd never put his back into it.
Can we go now? I feel real barmy in here.
Why should you feel barmy? Three men in a hole.
There's no-one watching.
I mean, we're on our own.
VEHICLE APPROACHING BURPING Ah, the first cuckoo.
Hey up, Howard! Has tha been getting more notes? It must be nice to be wanted.
Does she write you long notes, Howard? No, thank goodness.
Tell her to change her perfume.
Tell her to try bacon and onion flavour.
Shop! I can hear you.
You don't have to shout.
Hey up.
Tha gets rapid service round here.
Three of your delicious teas, please, Ivy.
We'll have less flannel from you.
I was just leaving.
Come here.
Now, get your teas, sit down and behave yourselves.
That's no way to speak to someone who's spent years living in an 'ole.
There's something about a hole that sounds very reasonable.
SLURPING I'll have you fitted with a silencer.
It's embarrassing, isn't it? We should have left him in the trench.
Those workmen thought we were crackers.
They were right.
Three blokes in an 'ole! You've no nostalgia for the war, have you? Foggy, some people didn't like it.
Pure prejudice.
The only thing tha can say about it, is tha made some good mates.
You mean that fat ATS girl? No, I don't.
I mean mates.
Blokes.
Goughy.
Me and Goughy were very close.
We swore a vow of eternal friendship.
How long is it since you've seen him? I was thinking about him last November.
Six months before that I come across his photograph.
How long since I've seen him? Fifty year.
That's some eternal friendship.
Well, you know how it is.
You get busy.
You haven't seen him for fifty years? We passed each other once on the bus.
We waved.
You mean he lives round here? Huddersfield.
Well, good grief, man.
Isn't it time you looked him up? I wouldn't mind a drink with Goughy.
Are you sure you want to bring back all those memories? Him and Goughy had a terrible war.
What - him? In what way, a terrible war? Well, you never saw that fat ATS girl.
Oh, she were a tight lass, were that.
That's how me and Goughy got together.
Nobody else'd tackle her.
It's those quiet acts of bravery that you really admire.
So what happened to this girl? She ran off with a Yank.
Probably under her arm.
What was her name? Cicely.
Named after a big island in the Med.
You can understand why.
I'm sure I had Goughy's address in here somewhere.
Hey up.
PIERCING WHISTLE Hey up.
I wondered where thee were.
Will tha get down off my furniture! Where is it? It's gone upstairs.
He's looking for his mate.
You great big Lulu! Look at him! Supposed to be used to jungles.
I AM used to jungles.
But this place is more terrifying.
Why keep your ferrets in a drawer? You never used to be that tidy.
He must've sneaked in.
What's this? By heck, she were ugly.
Good grief! What was that? I can't remember.
Well, that must be a relief.
It is.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Watch what you're doin'! I'm doin' this as a favour.
You're wobbling.
It's these steps that are wobbling.
They're good steps.
My husband used these steps.
He was a midget.
He was of average height.
For a midget.
He was very good with pigeons.
Well, he could look 'em in the eye, couldn't he? How is it possible not to remember something as ugly as that? I don't think you should question it.
Just accept it.
Are you sure it wasn't your wife? No.
I couldn't have married summat like that.
Were you sober at the time? I couldn't have been, if I married that.
I hope I did, though.
Why on earth do you say that? Because my wife ran off with a chuffing Pole.
Serves him right.
It's incredible that you can't remember your wife.
She weren't around all that long.
We can all understand why.
What the hell is this? It's a hand-operated siren.
You've had an interesting life, haven't you? Wives you can't remember and portable hand-sirens.
You're not stirring it enough.
It's not going on evenly.
You've got to keep stirring it.
Listen, I'm a mechanic, not a painter.
You paint like a mechanic.
Now, don't splash it about.
And try not to spill it.
SIREN BLARES It works.
Yeah, well don't do it again.
It really works.
More than we can say for its owner.
That noise could take the plaque off your teeth.
Where'd you get it? I can't remember.
Can't remember his wife.
I can, and that's not her.
Can't remember where he got his siren.
Maybe they came together.
Maybe she brought it as a gift.
The ugly bird and the siren.
Why would she have a siren? I don't know, but she's got the sort of face that seems to go with a portable hand-siren.
I bet you could sell this.
Which is more than you could say for this.
Sell it? Certainly.
It's a genuine wartime curiosity.
It's worth money.
It's a collectors' item.
KNOCK AT DOOR Was it you? But, do I WANT to sell it? Don't say it's got sentimental value.
You don't want to keep a noisy damn thing like that.
It makes a great row.
Does tha think I could give it another go? Well You could, out here.
There's nobody about out here.
Right.
SIREN SOUNDS We weren't doing anything.
I was just showing this young lady how to thin out her seedlings.
But why does he eat scented notepaper? Security purposes.
I wonder if it's fattening.
Ooh, I couldn't do it raw.
I'd have to have a dip with it.
But if you know about the notes, why does he have to eat them? Well, he doesn't know I know he gets notes.
You mustn't let them know you know.
No.
They go to pieces if they know you know.
And there's no telling what happens if they go to pieces.
Your father kicks tyres and mutters under his breath.
Don't you mind your husband getting notes like that? It's a delicate balance, love.
Can't let 'em go too far, but if you put the lid on it, they're stuck at home all day.
No, you can't do with them under your feet all day.
They're not meant for indoors.
They can't sit still in a chair.
They're incompatible with furniture.
That's the worst thing about retirement.
They're under your feet all day.
Me father isn't.
He's always in his shed.
And who bought him the shed? I'm not going in.
We're selling, not buying.
That won't save you.
You'll need stronger magic than that.
Does tha think she'll want to buy a siren? She buys anything.
Where else are you going to sell it? He's right, Norm.
I'm not going in.
AUNTIE'S VOICE BOOMING OUT 'You're on close-circuit television.
'Your every move is being picked up on infra-red detectors.
Wait till I strike this thief.
' Oh, it's you.
Where's the other one? Oh, he's outside.
He won't come in.
Won't come in?! What kind of an attitude is that? Does he expect folk to sell him things while he's on the pavement? Talk about unfair trading.
How many sugars in your tea? Ohwellthat's very kind of you, Auntie Wainwright.
Two, please.
Milk? Yes, thank you.
KEY TURNED IN LOCK I'll make it in a minute.
Now then, I hope you haven't come to take advantage of an old lady.
We're selling this time, Auntie, not buying.
I'll second that.
Selling? Yes.
In perfect condition.
A manually operated siren, worked by hand.
If I bought it I'd be taking a chance, wouldn't I? On what? Suppose I bought it and there wasn't another war? There'd be no demand, would there? I'd be stuck with it, wouldn't I? Oh, it makes you wonder.
D'you think ours ever had to swallow any scented notepaper? Not my Wally.
He might've left me for a good racing pigeon, but not for scented notepaper.
I suppose so.
I can't imagine Sid eating scented notepaper.
He was never much for anything that didn't have chips with it.
I were better off with a siren.
Rubbish.
We've got a bargain here.
We were gonna sell it, not swap it.
What's the difference? I can't put this on the gee-gees! Well, you're on a winner then.
He went straight past me without a word.
What's up with him? He's wondering what to do with this.
I've got a few ideas.
What is it? It's a genuine cedarwood flagpole.
We have a certificate to prove it.
Show them, Clegg.
What's he want with a genuine cedarwood flagpole? That's what I said.
I dare say we shall find a use for it.
Forward! What is it? It's a genuine cedarwood flagpole.
Hey up! Pearl's coming.
GEARS CRASHING Mother, are you sure you enjoy driving? Your father's always asking me that.
Mother, look where you're going! Oh, yes.
TOOTS HORN Wasn't that Mr Dewhirst with a flagpole? Women drivers! Hey up, one of my favourite women were a driver.
A DUMPER driver.
Phrrzzzz! Didn't I tell you she'd look splendid? Here, Clegg, take those, get in the trench - watch your front.
What about me? You can be in charge of entertainment.
OK.
# There was a man, he had a wife and she was double-jointed # No.
Entertainment.
Oh.
You don't like my notes, Howard? I love your notes.
It's just the paper.
Why should we be in the paper? Just because I write you notes.
Is there going to be a scandal? Will there be pictures? Tell me there's not going to be a scandal.
I shan't know what to wear.
All we need now to complete the effect is an advancing tank.
Your father's got to do something about this steering.
Mother! BBC Scotland 1995