South Park s16e02 Episode Script

Well, dad, it was really great seeing you.
We would love to stay for dinner but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.
What, Randy.
Just trying to leave without being rude.
Hold on, hold on just a second.
I got a present for my grandson.
Come here, Billy.
You have have grown up, Billy.
It's time for you to have something expensive and lashy to impress all the ladies.
Go ahead and open it, Stan.
Oh, look at that.
A bolo tie.
Isn't that beautiful, Stan.
That's 14-carat gold with turquoise and real diamonds.
Grandpa, how much did you spend on that? $6000.
Six thousand? It's worth 50,000.
The jewels and gem show said so.
Dad, you shouldn't spend your retirement money on frivolous things.
You should save it for when you die.
That's our money.
It's gorgeous, dad.
Thank you.
Tomorrow is picture day at school.
Stan can wear it for his photos.
Oh that's wonderful.
That will make me feel really good.
Who is Stan? Nice bolo tie, Stan.
Thanks.
Bolo ties are in now.
It's cool you have one.
Look it was a gift from my grandpa, okay.
It cost a lot of money.
No dude it's bad ass.
It happens to be worth $6000.
That was six grand? Yeah, dude, it's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by king Henry V.
Dude it's gay.
I know.
I wish grandpa would just give the money.
Take it to one of those pawn places.
Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says cash for gold and jewelry.
There must be a lot of people doing it.
You didn't steal this, did you? No my grandpa gave it to me as a present.
It's worth much and I feel bad accepting it.
I wan the cash.
turquoise I'll give you 15$.
What? That cost my grandpa $6000.
Those are real diamonds on the outside.
I can't make anything on the diamonds.
I have to send it to the smelter.
I can make a 10-dollar profit.
This guy is trying to rook us.
Let's go somewhere else.
Yeah, I'm not getting taken advantage of.
You can suck our collective balls, sir.
Don't worry.
There must be another cash for gold place around here.
Here is one.
These are real diamonds, right? Yeah, dude you can test them.
Okay.
$8.
This is the same bolo tie worn by king Henry V.
$9.
Welcome to taco bell.
Would you like to try our doritos locos tacos.
I want to see how much will you give me for this gold and diamond bolo.
$14 a gram.
On the open market got some 4 grams here.
Not really worth my time.
I guess I can give you a A six layer burrito? You don't even make a six layer burrito.
Alright, a 7 layer burrito, that's as high as I'm going! Dude, my grandpa paid $6000 for something barely worth anything.
How, how does something like this happen? Okay.
Folks we're -- half way complete with today's broadcast.
You want to get on in on these deals call now.
Next item is -- this is item number 457-8111.
Look at these stunning earrings.
These are genuine faux sapphire earrings.
foe is a French word it has a "X" in it you don't pronounce the X.
How do you like that for prestigious.
These earrings go for $6 million.
We're selling these today for -- $320.
That's a steal.
Now there go the phones.
They're lighting up.
I believe we have a sale.
Do we have a sale? Yep, let's get her on the line.
Hello.
Who am I speaking with? Hello.
My name is Vivian.
Vivian, you got a heck of a deal.
What's your last name sweetheart? I can't remember.
You can't remember.
Well can you remember your credit card number? hold on, Vivian, we will get you on with a rep for the number.
Thank you for shopping with us.
Congratulations on the 14-carat faux sapphire earrings.
At that price, you practically stole them from us.
That's terrible.
I told you guys, I have been watching all day.
How do they get away with that? This is a new time, a new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend.
What are you talking about? For centuries, alchemists have tried to come up with a formula to make gold.
Whoever could do it would have become rich and now the chemical equation is before our eyes.
That's the chemical equation for gold? That's right.
Guys with cash for gold signs get you peoples unwanted crappy jewelry.
Which when added to a cable base shopping network divided by demented old people equals gold.
Kenny, will you tell Carlton to shut up? Shut up, you're an asshole.
Oh, I'm an asshole for doing that? Oh my God, can you believe this? Someone is about to get this copper ring for $4000.
We've got our buyer on the line.
Are you buying this as a gift, sir? No, I'm buying this as a gift for my grandson, Billy.
Grandpa.
How about that, folks.
That's Brazilian emerald.
Finest emerald available.
We're letting this go for $1495 e-z pay.
E-z pay.
We call it that to save you time.
E-z is an a abbreviation for easy.
$1495 e-z pay.
What's that? Okay, I got word we're dropping the "Z" from e-Z pay.
It's now just e-pay.
By using the word e-pay instead of taking that time to say e-z pay we're saving you a second of time.
Those add up.
Go ahead and try it.
Say e-pay five thousand times.
That's 5000 seconds, nine hours we just saved you on the J & G shopping network.
Not wasting your time here.
You can't afford not to buy this one.
You don't have a lot of time left, literally.
Pass this to your kids and grand kids.
Show them your life had meaning.
Grandpa.
See that Billy, that's an emerald on 14 carat gold.
Think your sister would like that? She doesn't like jewelry, grandpa.
She will one day.
She will appreciate.
She's just a baby after all.
She's not a baby, grandpa.
She's 13.
Sally is 13? Right.
Right.
Boy.
Billy, did I ever tell you I use to have a border collie named Patches.
Yes, grandpa.
I loved that dog.
She always made me so happy.
When she died I, I didn't let myself get too sad.
I thought, I thought I would always have the memory of her slobbering happy face.
I can't remember what she looked like, Billy.
Don't worry, grandpa, I'm going to take care of.
Hey, Craig, what's going on? Bet your mom has some more jewelry she won't notice missing.
You have rhinestones in those earrings.
How about some walking cash? I can probably offer you What the fuck.
Sorry my arm's hurt.
My arm's is hurt.
Pick the sign, Butters this is a business.
How much will you give me for this? Oh, um, 3$.
Okay.
We got crappy jewelry, Butters.
Now all we need are some old people.
That's it, we just sold this bracelet to miss Marsha tubbs.
Marsha, thank you for your call.
You got yourself a heck of a deal on this one.
You there, Marsha? I have lost -- I'm lost walking on the freeway.
Alright, you're lost walking on a freeway.
Enjoy the tiger's eye aquamarine bracelet.
What should we do next? Oh, I see one.
Here is a good one.
Let me Let me -- let me, let me set stage for you here.
You are going to that senior's cocktail party.
It's bingo night.
You're looking for something to wear.
How about a 13-carat panzotopanzanite ring.
This is We have a caller already on this one.
Hello, sir, you must be a fan of panzotopanzanite.
Yes, hi.
You should kill yourself.
What is that? I said you should kill yourself.
What you do is unjustifiable.
You know it's unjustifiable.
You don't care.
You are the definition of evil.
Kill yourself.
Okay.
We're going to sell this ring for just $3795.
How is that? I just read the day shopping networks make their money on the day seniors pick up their social security checks.
Kill yourself.
Alright, you shouldn't say things like that, cause a host of a jewelry channel may up and do it.
You would feel bad.
No, I wouldn't.
Yes, you would.
No, because I really want you to kill yourself.
How about this, if a jewelry host network show host goes home tonight and blows his brains out.
You might be liable.
That's a lawsuit worth $2.
7 million.
How does that sound? I don't care what happens to me.
I care about my grandfather.
You morally empty corrupted maggot.
Okay.
I tell you stuff.
I will bring the lawsuit down to 2939 -- it doesn't matter the price you put on anything.
Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done and repay the elderly peoples whose lives you have destroyed is to kill yourself.
You think that's funny.
That's calling someone and telling them to kill themselves.
That's not a joke.
I'm not joking.
Do it.
Okay, next item.
Next item we're gonna do is This is oh my God look at this, guys.
and plastecine ring.
I'm gonna start the bidding on this ring at, say, $8 billion.
$8 billion opening bid.
We have to sell this ring today.
We are going to drop the price to $75.
95.
This price is not gonna last Oh, we have a call alright, Butters? We sold it.
Do we have the buyer on the line.
Hello.
Hello.
You bought this lovely 200-carat ring.
How do you feel, Mrs.
? Should is Mrs.
apple bee.
Can I ask you something Mrs.
apple bee.
Do you like fucking little boys? I'm sorry.
Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time? That's what you did with this deal.
You just got an 8 billion-dollar ring for $79.
95.
You fucked me good, Mrs.
apple bee.
Congratulations, ma'am.
Thank you.
*** thinking I'd like to fuck that kid? I thought it would be a lovely gift for my granddaughter, Jessica.
She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson high school.
Okay.
Thank you for shopping with us.
I have to get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth.
Alright.
Man that's good acting.
I should get an award.
Do you have any idea what it would feel like to lose your memories? No, you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimers.
Well I do.
Look, kid.
If you have a beef with the system.
You're talking to the wrong people.
We smelter what we get from the cash for gold places.
Yeah? Well, there is a old Hindu saying "who ever smelt it dealt it.
" Ya.
We are not the ones denying you what your worthy is worth.
The Hindu saying is ***.
What does that mean? Who ever denied it supplied it.
You, are the scums of the earth.
Old people are victimized by shopping networks.
You kickback in your fat Kat magses making billions.
We aren't making that much.
You're not? Why don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down.
The Hindu saying is who ever smelt it dealt it.
No who ever denied it supplied it.
You got it all wrong.
The jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't come from us.
It's made in India where the Hindu rhymes come from.
What you saying, Gustov? Do you mean -- That's right whoever made the rhyme did the crime.
Hello.
Oh, welcome.
Welcome to discounted jewelry store.
Yeah, listen.
I'm running a resale business.
I can't get enough of peoples unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up.
I want some of yours.
You are so clever.
I get that.
I need gold necklaces, diamond bracelets and emerald earrings.
What you like? That ring.
There.
So good choice.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And maybe that one for 300.
That's best one.
You so clever.
You take advantage of my low prices.
How about that bracelet for $995.
You got good eye.
You so clever.
You like Asian lady.
What you say.
I know you say there nice Asian lady I think I go her you Asian lady you.
How much do you pay for this stuff? I pay thousands.
You come here and fuck me.
Quit the act.
I am not fucking you and you know it.
No, no, you fuck me.
No, no you fuck me.
Fuck you.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
You see I'm looking to cut out the middle man.
I want to buy my jewelry direct from you.
Motherfucker.
You should be ashamed of the people in America you're exploiting.
How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate.
You dirty double crossing ass holes.
You try to cut me out.
.
You stole my formula and tried to fuck me.
Butters.
Sorry.
You tried to fuck me out of your business-- we're not fucking you.
They're fucking Stan's grandpa.
No they're getting fucked from an Asian lady.
Someone is at the head of this.
Someone has to pay.
I wand God damn retribution for my God damn grandpa.
No, not a diamond and gold necklace! What's he doing? Oh, ya.
Actually this might kind of work.
So, then we went to India which is pretty cool, I guess.
Never been there before.
We learned that who ever smelt it denied it and rhymed it.
Sounds like a fun weekend.
I guess .
So grandpa, I I wanted to give you something.
For me? Oh, my God.
There she is.
Ole Patches.
There is that slobbering happy face.
Thank you, Billy.
That means a lot.
Billy, that, that bolo tie you're wearing.
Ya.
I don't know where you got that but it's gay as fuck.
Cool, I won't wear it anymore.
That's a good idea.
Folks, these are not your average earrings.
These are 18-carat gold.
We got -- we have a buyer on the line.
Hello.
What are you waiting for, kill yourself.
Alright, God damn it another comedian.
Ever since that little kid called up everyone wants to call and tell me to kill myself.
He was right.
Do it.
Folks, this is an 800 number.
Every time you call and tell me to kill myself it's costing us $2.
36.
So now how about a caller that wants to buy jewelry.
Yes, hello, sir? You're too scared to do it, aren't.
You don't have the balls.
God damn it I'm not scared to do it.
You're scared.
You, you got lady balls.
Hello.
I'm calling about the paradot earnings.
Yes, ma'am.
They would look good on your dead body.
Kill yourself.
Alright that's that.
That's the straw that broke the camel's back.
I have a gun right here.
What do you think about that.
Put it against your temple and pull the trigger.