South Park s16e04 Episode Script

Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of passover! Yes, it's all about how Moses led the hebrews out of Egypt.
Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate passover with a seder dinner.
Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.
Wow, that's so cool.
And so then passover lasts seven days? Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday Interesting, and why is it called passover again? Well, because in ancient Egypt God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb.
So interesting, wow Get outta here! Oh, hey, Kyle.
Get outta here! Well, I better be going.
Thanks so much Ms.
Broflovski, I learned a ton.
Well, you're very welcome.
What are you gonna do? Isn't it possible I just want to learn more aut the Jewish faith? No.
Alright Kyle, listen- legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats and it might have just spotted in South Park.
What does that have to do with passover? All I can promise you is that this is gonna be the most memorable passover ever.
Cartman's passover holiday special.
Starring The Jewpacabra!!!!! Alright, next please.
Signing up for the easter egg hunt? Ooh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun! Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday.
Woohoo.
Me too! Yeah.
.
Yeah should be a real blast.
I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up That's all.
Jewpa-what? Jewpaca- look, it's nothing.
Forget I said anything.
Okay.
So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts? Okay, look - a lot of people claim that on passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children.
This year passover happens to be the same week as easter.
You mean it's like - like a monster? It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things.
Knocked over trash cans weird howls Yeah, huh, token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black! U guys, check this out!!! Alright, alright, stay back - stay back.
It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack but it's hard to tell.
Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras.
We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing.
Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies! I'm trying to protect people! And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence? I looked on the known species webpage there's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.
Well, neither is bigfoot Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch.
If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid.
Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you! Lllloooo loooo looo N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra.
People made it up.
It's -- that's okay.
Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways Butters.
Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.
No, it's a school night! Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zeee-ro! I can't do this alone, please Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.
Look at these dense trees and brush, oh, yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.
You think Jewpacabra is here? I'm pretty sure Jewpacabra was here Oh good maybe we scared it off You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters.
Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ.
Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now No Christ! No Christ! I'm really not buying this whole Christ thing.
he's here somewhere.
Oh God, I'm scared.
Jesus is a lie! Eric, stop it! Help me call it out Butters.
I'm not saying Jesus is a lie! Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camerar not?! There is no Christ.
Jesus is a lie.
No way Jesus was son of God, huh Butters.
Nope.
I don't think Christ has any basis in reality.
You hear that?! Oh, hamburgers We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe.
We are not canceling our easter egg hunt because of some wild story! I didn't think you would believe me.
And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video.
What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra.
And you're the first to see it.
This is just after 8 p.
m.
First we heard rustling in the bushes.
Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound.
That's when we saw, this.
Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it wait for it.
Wait for it right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra?! I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing.
Watch again.
Wait for it wait there! Jewpacabra.
There's a Jewpacabra in South Park God help us.
That wasn't a dog? It was no dog.
I was there, I'n telling you- this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins.
What? I can try to catch it, But I'm going to need all the resources you've got.
If this thing isn't contained, your easter egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath.
Mr.
Billings? There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety.
What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real? I'm estimating somewhere around Point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent.
We can't afford to take that chance Let's get this kid whatever he needs.
So where are we heading first? We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas.
Here.
The Bahamas? That's right.
There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis hotel and casino'.
They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank.
Weeeeeeeeeee!!!! Oh yesss!! Oolll!!!! Check it out!!!!! Where to now? Now we head back to Colorado, here.
We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it.
Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth! People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there.
I've explored the depths of Atlantis and now I'm about to prove a new species exists I'm a little James Cameron.
These people aren't going to prove anything.
To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid.
These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid! Look at its trajectory - it heads directly to the right.
It can't be human it's too low to the ground.
What do you think, Bobo? Bobo think scary! It's definitely something.
I'm thinking a Sasquatch.
It's not big enough to be a Squatch.
So it's a baby Squatch? That's what I'm thinking.
I've already done my research boys.
What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra.
Jewpacabra? It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy.
Ohhh, Jewpacabra that sounds scary! But it makes total sense.
If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left.
Well, I guess that's it.
You're going to have to only allow me into the easter egg hunt, sir.
I'm the only one qualified.
Aw, the kids will be so disappointed Whoa look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie! But it's supposed to be all yellow-y.
My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra! What do you mean.
We've never seen this before! It really is true! Well, I mean it-- could have just been a dog.
No it's impossible.
Look at the zoomy in: If I drop image of a dog next to it That thing is way to big to be a dog.
And check out the thermals coming off of it.
That's the thermals - they make a proof and the thermals! That's right, Bobo.
Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell.
Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive.
I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty braaave.
Why.
Cuz you took the video of this thing.
It's not gonna like that.
If it is a Jewpacabra He's gonna be coming after you.
There's no way No way Jewpacabra is real Those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about.
They just they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all Hey.
Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle? What are you doing? Okay, okay, even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that.
Right? Kyle.
Jesus loves me this I know Cuz Republicans tell me so Little ones God will protect.
Cuz letting kids be harmed is child neglect Everything still clear out there? Guys?! It's all quiet out front, Eric.
Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes! He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes What? What was that? Butters?! Token?!?! Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh! You guys?! Guys!! Hey, Eric.
It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys?! Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet.
Wingstreet?! Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide.
Dude, I want wings! Ahghgh!!! Oh Jesus- it's only you! Alright, grab him.
You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything easter - and now it's looking for you Get me outta here!! Please!! Helllppp!!! Look, we're sorry.
But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice.
Oh God, it's gonna kill me!!!!! What the--?! Just a little blood to try and draw it out.
We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow.
Our entire business is based on fun and safety.
This isn't safe or fun! Maybe it won't even show up.
Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay.
Oh ****, we better get out of here.
No! Come back! Come back please!!! This isn't right!!! Hello young man.
Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company.
But if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on easter children we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat.
Thank you! Kyle! hey, Kyle! I know what you're thinking, Kyle.
That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.
Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go.
Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle.
There's no Jewpacabra.
Now, please, Kyle, it's easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heeb o' trouble! No Kyle! No wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it!!! Kyle?!?!? Please I'll give you money!!! I have lots of money!!! Oh God, what am I doing?! I mean I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! Oh God- I am in a heeb of trouble It's so cool that Even though I'm Christian I celebrate passover too! Yup.
I think both holidays are awesome I really sympathize with those Jews in ancient Egypt! I really do! What'dya think, Bobo? No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man! I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleolithardic times! Shoot it Bobo! Bobo shoot it! Bobo?! Bobo no! Wha-.
? Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnyman! Good shot, Bobo! Now what do we do? I know! Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet!!! Good idea.
Wait wait wait wait.
We're gonna need to take the evidence.
All right.
I got the evidence right here.
The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.
All right! Come on, let's go! Ugh what where.
Ugh what? What's going on?! The plagues!! The plagues are upon us!!! Run!!!!! It's raining frogggggsss!!! Kyle! Kyle my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?!?! Yes.
It's because the pharaoh won't give the hebrews what we want! God is angry.
So God makes it rain frogs?! That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
That's how God is! And if pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys! Okay, look, I'll talk to the pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
It doesn't matter.
Because God is going to harden the pharaoh's heart! What does that mean? It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the pharaoh from letting us go.
Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle.
I mean, if God is going to make pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no? That's just how God is.
You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick! Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs.
It'll be okay, my son.
The weather will clear.
But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff is because you won't let all the Jews leave.
It's a complicated political issue, my son.
An economic social issue that needs time.
We can't let them leave but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the U.
S.
A? Wow, that makes sense Don't think anyone can deny that Poor frogs I feel so bad for them But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.
Hoh, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one.
No matter what happens, We can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God.
We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children.
I love you, dad.
And I love you son.
And our love grows And our love grows- and our love grows, like the mighty river of the Nile- river of the Nile see it flow- we'll never be aparrrrt Have no fear, for God is near, and God loves all his children-- Nooooooooo!!!!! Kyle, why?! What are you doing?! This is what God told us to do! No, Kyle! I don't believe you! You'll see!! Nooooooo!!!!! What's happening to us?! Nooooo!! Mom! Don't let God kill me! No!! Nooo!!! Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?! Nooo! The bread's all flat! Noooo!!!!! Noooo!!! Son! We were wrong! I was wrong!!! We were wrong!!!!! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise!! Please don't kill me!! Don't kill me!!!! Noooooo!!! Noooo! Noooo!!! The bread is all flat!!! Nooooo!!!!! Nooo no There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety.
On this beautiful easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to the people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number Let the hunt begin.
I'm alive!! I'm alive, you guys.
I don't know how but I'm alive!! Can you believe it.
It's a miracle.
Listen everybody, last night I almost died.
But then a pass of a miracle happened.
The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah I somehow, woke up safely in my bed.
I learnt a big lesson.
It's wrong, guys.
Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry.
It's time for us all to stop this easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.
Oh, stop trying to ruin easter, You!! *** Yeah! Hey guys, listen! Huh I finally know how you feel, Kyle.
Know your religion is right but being laughed up by everyone else.
It's so hard for us Jews.
But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe.
Yeah.
I know what you're thinking Kyle.
But I really do believe in Judaism now.
I'm not lying.
I know, you're not.
Kewl, thanks Kyle.
Oh, and Kyle Happy passover! Happy passover, Cartman!