QI (2003) s16e05 Episode Script
Public & Private
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Welcome to QI.
Tonight, we are ensuring our privacy and going for maximum publicity in our public and private show, so allow me to publicly unveil our panel.
A "Private Eye", Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE A private soldier, Phill Jupitus.
APPLAUSE A private property, Bridget Christie.
APPLAUSE And, a public convenience, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Let's give the buzzers their first public outing.
Victoria goes TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE This is Victoria.
That's very nice.
Phil goes And second, number two, the fine filly Jupitus.
And Bridget goes AIRPORT ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE Final call for Bridget Christie, final call for Bridget Christie.
That's terrifying.
And finally, Alan goes BEEP Unexpected item in the bagging area.
Right, for a question about proximity, so, Alan, I want to ask you She's only just got castors.
You're stuck now, aren't you? Am I close enough to trigger your reaction bubbles? Without a shadow of a doubt.
Yeah.
Is it uncomfortable at all? No, no, just feeling it now.
Yep.
So why is it uncomfortable? No, don't go! We were so close! Do you know why that might be uncomfortable? Well, proximity.
Yeah, it is the study of proxemics.
It's the discipline of studying the space that we keep between ourselves.
So, the founder of it is a US cultural anthropologist called Edward Twitchell Hall.
Are you all right? And he Are you coming to me? No, darling, you're OK, because you might get injured.
LAUGHTER So there are four main zones, and you can see it up here.
First of all, we have the public space, that is the distance at which you are comfortable addressing There is zone six as well.
Oh, yes, that's true.
So the distance at which you feel comfortable addressing a crowd.
Then there is social distance, that's where I would interact with my acquaintances and then there is personal distance which is coming up to four feet, that's for friends and family.
Now, I'm going to pick you.
This is intimate distance, OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I've never met you before, have I? No, Mum.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, my son, Theo! APPLAUSE Personal space I wouldn't have done that to a stranger because I'm too shy, it would have been awful.
Thank God it actually is your son.
Everything was wrong with that.
Mainly the fact that he said, "No, Mum.
" If that wasn't your son It would be a terrible way to find out, wouldn't it? Wow.
So, personal space, it depends slightly on your culture.
For example, a North American in an Arabic country might come across as unfriendly or uninterested, and there are lots of people who use it as a power tool.
So President Johnson - he was the person who followed after Kennedy - he used it all the time to dominate.
It was called the Johnson treatment.
Look at him, with that guy.
He was 6'3", very heavily built and he used to push his face right into personal space and it doesn't feel comfortable even looking at it, does it? It sets up our fight-and-flight response if somebody's too close.
I am definitely that person.
I am the one, at a party, everyone's moving around the room as I get closer and closer and closer.
My husband, it was five years before he'd even put a kiss at the end of an e-mail.
I think it's nice to get close.
Was your family touchy-feely? Yeah, touchy, feely, shouty, ragey.
There is a sort of nationality thing.
My very British husband, you know he's a bit Scottish, a bit Welsh, "What? Kisses on an e-mail? We're not even married!" Whereas, with my more exotic blood, let's all sit on each other's laps, let's do it now, Phill! Yeah, go on, Phill! If you say so.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, let's get our privates on parade for a public holiday.
How far back does this parade go? Is it weirdly new? Six months.
Well, you're not far off.
Oh, really? No.
It's in Mexico City.
It is a world-famous costume parade to celebrate a tradition which goes back to 2016.
That can't be true.
They got the idea from the 2015 James Bond film, Spectre.
And the Mexican City people thought, what a marvellous idea, let's do one of those.
What they used to do in the past was that they did have the festival, the Day Of The Dead, but they celebrated with - I think rather jolly - a family picnic beside their relatives' graves.
Who doesn't want to do that? Do you want a sandwich, Nan? Nan! Sorry, a tortilla.
Sorry.
When is it? The Day Of The Dead? It takes place October 31, November 1.
So it's Halloween, then.
Yes, the English equivalent would indeed be Halloween.
The festival itself is genuinely old.
You're right about that.
It is a pre-Columbian Aztec festival.
The British equivalent is, of course, Halloween, and lots of people lament the trick-or-treating.
They lament it as an American thing, but it is not American.
Anyone know where it comes from? Belgium.
Well, it's somewhere that you know rather well.
Oh, Spain? Scotland.
It is from Scotland.
It is, indeed.
What? Yes.
It's a centuries-old Scottish custom.
It's "All Tricks".
The Scottish have a thing called guising, and children used to go door-to-door dressed as ghosts and say, either "I'll do a trick," which was a song or a dance and then you would get a treat for it.
Right, let's have a look at some other public holidays.
Which one of these do you fancy celebrating? Tomb-Sweeping Day.
Tomb-sweeping Day, also known as the Qingming Festival.
It happens in China and it pretty much does what it says on the tin, really.
You visit family graves and you tidy them.
Are you allowed to hoover? I don't know if you can hoover, but here's the thing - you are allowed not to turn up.
There is a service that some cemeteries offer where staff will do the tomb sweeping on your behalf and you livestream it via an app.
LAUGHTER Another one, let's have a quick look.
Boogie Nights down the bottom there.
The Boogg.
OK.
So this is a Swiss festival and The Boogg is basically a bogeyman, but it's a bogeyman shaped like a snowman.
And what they do - this is to celebrate spring's victory over winter, and he's stuck on top of a bonfire with his head stuffed full of dynamite.
We're walking in the air We're floating in the No! Why are you doing this to me? Why? What have I done to you? Apparently you can tell the summer forecast by how quickly his head explodes.
And eventually, kaboom! Kaboom.
What's his broom for? It's tidying up his grave later.
Sweeping up.
Anyone want to choose another one? Bridget, choose one.
The Day Of The Sea.
This is the only one out of all of them I absolutely want to go to.
It's March the 23rd, the Day Of The Sea.
They haven't got any sea in Bolivia.
I know.
It is a landlocked country but they bemoan the day, in 1879, when they had a battle with Chile and they lost their access to the sea.
Ah.
It is a very famous battle, it was a heroic commander called Eduardo Abaroa and he was invited to surrender by the Chileans and he replied, "Me, surrender? Tell your grandmother to surrender.
" At which point he was shot dead, and he LAUGHTER He had the first home hand.
To the sea, to the sea! They have parades, they have a national beauty contest, people dress up with boats on their heads, the Navy, they still have a Navy.
What? The Bolivian Navy turns out in full regalia and at midday, the whole country falls silent and they listen for five minutes on loudspeakers to the sounds of the sea.
Who doesn't want to go? Anyway, they didn't have a public procession in Mexico City until it was suggested by the parade inspector.
Sorry, by the parade in Spectre, there we are.
Er, now Take your time, I'm here all evening.
Right, who fancies a ride in my Spike Away non-social transient behaviour vest? Transient behaviour? A little clue, I found these in lost property - I don't know if that's of any use to you whatsoever.
Some sort of travelling thing? Yes, travelling, to do with travelling.
Oh, it's something you wear to make people not stand next to you.
Yes! A spiky thing.
It is a spiky thing.
I find my personality does the trick.
But It's a clothing version.
There was a designer named Kathleen McDermott, she created a dress and it senses when people are standing too close and it inflates.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
I love this.
Like a pufferfish.
Yes.
The other thing to have is a Singaporean design student called Siew Ming Cheng, made the Spike Away vest.
What it is, it's flexible spikes that you put in the garden to keep animals away from plants.
We have a couple.
So what I'd like is, Phil and Bridget, if you would put on the Spike Away and then I've got, for you, Alan So it just goes over The spikes, they're really hurting me, the spikes.
I think they are supposed to be on the outside, Bridge.
OK, so if you stand here, Alan.
Yeah.
And you two.
So, imagine you're minding your own business In the lifton the Tube and you two wish that he was not there.
So, just see if you could use your Spike Away LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Come on! Oh, you've got me in the shoulder! He's asking for it! BALLOONS POP CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's the most adrenaline I've ever had on this show! Nobody's afraid of balloons, are they? That would be a awful fear.
Now I find out about it, just one week after I was trapped on the Tube with that lecherous balloon modeller.
I do find balloon modelling very strange, don't you? Anybody know what the fear of balloons is called? WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Globophobia.
It is globophobia, yes, or "globe-ophobia", it seems to be a fear ofglobes.
I have got the fear of lots of holes together next to each other.
Have you? Trypophobia, it's called.
Where does this Like a sieve? No.
It's something like a hive or a pomegranate when the seeds are out.
I mean, doesn't anyone else Is that No, honestly, it's just you, darling.
Literally, just you.
It can't just be me.
Anybody else? No, nobody.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh, thank you! It's horrible, isn't it? I'm going to make some holes and see how bad you get.
Oh.
No, it's No? Sorry, that is very unfair.
You can't harm me.
You are an insignificant fear No.
You're not supposed to say that out loud.
That's your own personal mantra.
Moving on.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Anyway, yes, don't stand so close to me or I'll call the police.
Oh, yeah, you see.
Thank you.
To use a slightly creaky pop culture reference which will hopefully appeal to QI's target Pop culture? Pop culture.
It will appeal to QI's target demographic.
Me.
According to the latest research, the average person has five secrets which they have never told to a living soul, so I would like tonight to hear one of yours, please.
You're looking at me.
I was, darling, but you've given enough.
I'll give you all five.
OK, go.
Where I keep my keys.
Yes.
And four murders.
I was once walking home across Hampstead Heath and I got caught short and I had to do a poo under some leaves.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did you have to do that five times? Four other secret poos I've done, probably.
Sorry.
Let's just retrace our steps.
So, you're crossing Hampstead Heath, trousers down.
No, I didn't have my trousers down until I needed to go.
He doesn't walk around with his trousers down Do you? Then, as I went to pull my trousers up .
.
I slipped over in it Excuse me, sorry, have you not been mocking me? I'm not mocking you, I'm being sympathetic.
No, you haven't.
And you've shat in a bush.
Did you have any paper with you? No, I used some leaves and that's what I slipped on.
And my glasses fell off and I had to go home and when I got home, I couldn't properly see my house.
I thought, "Where are my My glasses have fallen off!" I had to go back and look for them.
How drunk were you? Oh, I was pretty A bit steamed.
LAUGHTER Columbia Business School, it was a study, they used 38 categories of secrets.
So there's all the normal ones you might have, you know - stealing, cheating, fancying somebody you shouldn't fancy.
But they also had some odd choices.
So, a secret opinion, not liking something that people think that you like, planning a surprise for somebody, a secret hobby.
They asked 2,000 participants if they had those kind of secrets.
Oh, I didn't really realise those were the parameters, I thought Yeah, oh I thought .
.
terribly humiliating events.
I didn't realise, like, a secret opinion.
No, but I'd like yours as a benchmark, I think it's very Oh, you didn't on the bench as well, did you? APPLAUSE There's a link between having secrets and people being clumsy, people getting depressed, people having anxiety, chronic illnesses, even the common cold.
But what they reckon is, it's the having the secret that's the burden, not the keeping of it.
It's the worrying that you do on your own when you've got this secret.
I feel ever more regretful about LAUGHTER You overshared.
I did overshare.
We're playing the game, and I've absolutely been hung out to dry in my own faeces.
Anyway, my secret is that I am a closet beanbag tosser.
Here we go, Phill and Victoria.
You've called yourself a beanbag tosser? I I don't want to just call myself a tosser, darling, I thought the beanbag thing was better.
These are actually Sandi's pillows from her bed.
OK.
There is a basket you can see on the I there.
LAUGHTER I've got another one.
I've got another one, don't worry.
I'm livid about my secret.
At least he didn't shit in the basket.
No, no, no! No.
Right.
It is addictive isn't it? Phill, have a go.
OK.
Mind, don't hit him.
Alan, can you get Can you get mine for me? Stay away from me, you dirty bastard! You're not allowed to bring it up again.
When someone's revealed something, you're not allowed to use it against them.
Darling, I don't think the fact you've shat in a bush is ever going to go away.
Oh.
So here is the thing CHEERING CHEERING It's another study by the University of Amsterdam.
So, people who have secrets find them burdensome They're all stoned.
DUTCH ACCENT: What if we threw beanbags at the palace? LAUGHTER So, I am surprised, Alan, that you are telling us all these secrets, because you were easily the person who threw the beanbags too far.
And people who did this study in the University of Amsterdam, they find people are physically burdened by having a secret, and they tend to think physical tasks are too difficult.
Well, I have got much, much darker secrets than that.
If you think your husband's having an affair Get him to toss beanbags.
.
.
see if he can hit a milk bottle with a ping-pong ball? Yes.
That's the sort of thing.
Is that a euphemism? So whoever overshoots has got a guilty conscience, that's all I'm saying.
What does it mean if you got one in? Are we still talking about the beanbags? It means you're a very well-balanced individual.
You're a nicely balanced individual.
Apart from the holes.
It's no secret everybody has a few things they'd like to keep private.
No shit! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, what's so embarrassing about this guy? He's pooed in that case! If only I'd had an attache case at the time.
El Cobrador del Frac, so El Cobrador is Something to do with cobras? It's a debt collector.
Ah.
Oh.
So he is a frock-coated debt collector.
And I think we should have this.
This is apparently a common sight in Spain.
If you've got a debt that you can't collect, you can call in a company that specialises in sending these distinctively dressed people out to haunt the debtor.
So they never speak to them, they don't approach them, they just stand hour after hour staring at you.
What? Yep.
You could be at work, you could be in a restaurant, you can be on the street, and the whole world knows that the debtor is being what used to be called dunned.
These are not the only cobradors.
There are ones who are dressed as bull-fighters, as clowns, monks, bears.
What! Rewind a minute.
Yeah.
A bear will go and stand because you owe someone a few bob? A bear will just stand and stare at you.
I've never wanted to be in debt in Spain more in my life.
But my favourite, there's one company that employs a bagpiper to bagpipe incessantly outside your house until you pay up.
I think the Queen must owe a lot of money! In Britain, the Office of Fair Trading lists acting in a way likely to be publicly embarrassing to the debtor as unfair practice, so they wouldn't be allowed here, but I think it's marvellous thing.
There is a very good thing which I did like - in the 1990s, the Mayor of Bogota hired 20 professional mimes to mimic people who flouted traffic laws.
And it was so successful, they ended up training another 400 mimes.
It turns out people are more afraid of being mocked than they are of being fined.
When I went to La Paz on my Bolivia trip, they have people dressed as zebras to help you cross the road.
Seriously? I'm not joking.
And they kind of dance while they're helping you across the road.
They've had such trouble with cars hitting people.
Yeah.
What a car will do is it will stop if it sees three dancing zebras going in front of it.
A fantastic interpretation of a zebra crossing.
I love that.
Yeah, actual zebra crossings.
OK.
Now, what could be more private than a privy? But those outdoor lavs can be awfully chilly.
What's the best way to keep them warm? I mean, to Alan, everything's an outdoor privy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE They could do with a few of those on Hampstead Heath.
That's exactly the hat I was wearing.
Hang on a minute! What do you reckon? It's old-fashioned, it's been around since Elizabethan times.
Something to do with compost? Yes, you're heading in the right sort of direction.
Who might produce a lot of Well, other than Alan! Who might produce Like cattle, sort of, an animal.
Pigs.
Animals, you're absolutely right, it's pigs.
And in lots of places, it was traditional to build a pigsty and the privy right next to each other.
That allowed heat generated in the former to improve the comfort of the latter.
It goes back a very long way.
And lots of places, privies emptied directly into the pigsty, so ultimately your waste becomes sausages.
Do you think that's why pigs have the reputation of being dirty when they're very clean animals? They're extremely clean, and it may be that we associate them with our own waste - that is perfectly possible.
Now for a round where we publicly mock your private delusions.
General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Which of these can you eat if you are a strict vegan? Any of them, right? KLAXON No, why not? Is one of them made out of animals? No.
So, almonds, avocados.
All of them, in fact.
It's the same reason as honey.
Oh, bees.
They can't exist without bees, and the bees are used in Let's call it an unnatural way.
Because they're so difficult to cultivate naturally, all of these crops rely on bees which are placed on the back of trucks and taken very long distances across the country.
It is called migratory beekeeping.
Oh, God.
And it's obviously a LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, God.
Can we change the picture, please? We can't look at the holes.
You can't look either, can you? No.
Has it gone yet? No? Yes, gone.
It's gone, it's gone.
So, it's migratory beekeeping, and it's an unnatural use of animals, and there are lots of foods that fall foul of this.
Broccoli is a good example.
Cherries, cucumbers, lettuce.
Lots of vegan things actually are not strictly vegan, so, bad news for millennials, I'm afraid - avocado toast is usually not vegan.
If you've got 20-20 vision, how good is your eyesight? Good.
Normal.
It is absolutely average.
It is not perfect.
So, in the UK, we actually say 6-6 rather than 20-20.
20-20 is the American thing.
So, if you are 20-20 vision, it means you can see at 20 feet what an average person can see at 20 feet.
If you can't see the top letter, which is at 20-200 - in other words at 20 feet what the average person could see at 200 with your glasses on - then you are legally blind.
Or you're looking the wrong way.
The limit for human beings, given the physical characteristics of our eyeballs, is thought to be 20-8, which means you can see at 20 feet what an average person can see at eight feet.
A kestrel can see in the ultraviolet range which means that it can see traces of urine around the holes where tiny mammals go in and out.
Isn't that astonishing? And then it can hang about till they pop out for a slash! I was probably lucky not to be swept off by one.
Because they have got them on Hampstead Heath.
They had an eye on you.
So 20 feet is roughly infinity for us, and any time you focus on something that is nearer than 20 feet, so, maybe Argh! What, are you all right? Oh! What, you don't like eyes? Big eye.
Oh! I feel like I'm holding together some kind of group therapy this evening.
You absolutely, definitely are.
"I need to poo outside.
" "I can't look at holes.
" "Argh! Big eyes!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Anyway, moving on.
Presumably, these people aren't bored or tired.
So why are they yawning? Before KLAXON Didn't even get to the end of the thing.
We used to think that it gave us extra oxygen, but it absolutely does not do that.
But it may be that it regulates the brain temperature by cooling the blood on the way to the brain, and that makes us more alert.
So some people now do it in sport, not because they're stressed, but because they're trying to get themselves as ready as they can.
What is amazing about it, it does seem to be contagious - but only some people are susceptible to it.
It rather depends on how much empathy they have.
If you have more empathy, you're more likely to catch a yawn, and yawns are not catching at all in children under the age of four because, before the age of four, you haven't developed any empathy.
But virtually all vertebrates yawn - so fish, snakes.
But only humans and chimpanzees, dogs, budgies have a contagion of yawning.
Fish are yawning? Yes.
That puts an entirely different perspective on fishing, doesn't it? There's even, darling - there's even interspecies contagion of yawning.
So a human and a dog might - one yawns and it sets the other one off Oh, that's me now.
That's so sweet.
And you're going to love this.
Babies yawn in the womb.
Have a look at this tiny bit of footage.
GASPING Let me out! Yeah, he's yawning, Sandi! He's yawning.
He's yawning.
Here's a good word to take away, which I really love - pandiculation.
Pandiculation is yawning and stretching at the same time and just for any women using Prozac or using antidepressant drugs, there is a side effect that you can get which is the yawning orgasm, is that you have an orgasm every time you yawn.
That takes me back to my honeymoon.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look at the scores.
Publicly shamed in fourth place with -16, it's Alan.
APPLAUSE Privately relieved not to have come last, in third place with no points at all, it's Bridget.
APPLAUSE The public place of good, but not quite good enough, in second place with 6 points, it's Phill.
APPLAUSE And in first place with a public display of modesty, while in private she's fist-pumping and shouting yay, with 9 points it's Victoria.
CHEERING APPLAUSE I'd like to thank Victoria, Phill, Bridget and Alan and leave you with the words of Irish playwright Brendan Behan who, a few weeks before his death in 1964, told the interviewer, "All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.
" To the great British public, with love from QI, goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to QI.
Tonight, we are ensuring our privacy and going for maximum publicity in our public and private show, so allow me to publicly unveil our panel.
A "Private Eye", Victoria Coren Mitchell.
APPLAUSE A private soldier, Phill Jupitus.
APPLAUSE A private property, Bridget Christie.
APPLAUSE And, a public convenience, Alan Davies.
APPLAUSE Let's give the buzzers their first public outing.
Victoria goes TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE This is Victoria.
That's very nice.
Phil goes And second, number two, the fine filly Jupitus.
And Bridget goes AIRPORT ANNOUNCEMENT JINGLE Final call for Bridget Christie, final call for Bridget Christie.
That's terrifying.
And finally, Alan goes BEEP Unexpected item in the bagging area.
Right, for a question about proximity, so, Alan, I want to ask you She's only just got castors.
You're stuck now, aren't you? Am I close enough to trigger your reaction bubbles? Without a shadow of a doubt.
Yeah.
Is it uncomfortable at all? No, no, just feeling it now.
Yep.
So why is it uncomfortable? No, don't go! We were so close! Do you know why that might be uncomfortable? Well, proximity.
Yeah, it is the study of proxemics.
It's the discipline of studying the space that we keep between ourselves.
So, the founder of it is a US cultural anthropologist called Edward Twitchell Hall.
Are you all right? And he Are you coming to me? No, darling, you're OK, because you might get injured.
LAUGHTER So there are four main zones, and you can see it up here.
First of all, we have the public space, that is the distance at which you are comfortable addressing There is zone six as well.
Oh, yes, that's true.
So the distance at which you feel comfortable addressing a crowd.
Then there is social distance, that's where I would interact with my acquaintances and then there is personal distance which is coming up to four feet, that's for friends and family.
Now, I'm going to pick you.
This is intimate distance, OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So I've never met you before, have I? No, Mum.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, my son, Theo! APPLAUSE Personal space I wouldn't have done that to a stranger because I'm too shy, it would have been awful.
Thank God it actually is your son.
Everything was wrong with that.
Mainly the fact that he said, "No, Mum.
" If that wasn't your son It would be a terrible way to find out, wouldn't it? Wow.
So, personal space, it depends slightly on your culture.
For example, a North American in an Arabic country might come across as unfriendly or uninterested, and there are lots of people who use it as a power tool.
So President Johnson - he was the person who followed after Kennedy - he used it all the time to dominate.
It was called the Johnson treatment.
Look at him, with that guy.
He was 6'3", very heavily built and he used to push his face right into personal space and it doesn't feel comfortable even looking at it, does it? It sets up our fight-and-flight response if somebody's too close.
I am definitely that person.
I am the one, at a party, everyone's moving around the room as I get closer and closer and closer.
My husband, it was five years before he'd even put a kiss at the end of an e-mail.
I think it's nice to get close.
Was your family touchy-feely? Yeah, touchy, feely, shouty, ragey.
There is a sort of nationality thing.
My very British husband, you know he's a bit Scottish, a bit Welsh, "What? Kisses on an e-mail? We're not even married!" Whereas, with my more exotic blood, let's all sit on each other's laps, let's do it now, Phill! Yeah, go on, Phill! If you say so.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right, let's get our privates on parade for a public holiday.
How far back does this parade go? Is it weirdly new? Six months.
Well, you're not far off.
Oh, really? No.
It's in Mexico City.
It is a world-famous costume parade to celebrate a tradition which goes back to 2016.
That can't be true.
They got the idea from the 2015 James Bond film, Spectre.
And the Mexican City people thought, what a marvellous idea, let's do one of those.
What they used to do in the past was that they did have the festival, the Day Of The Dead, but they celebrated with - I think rather jolly - a family picnic beside their relatives' graves.
Who doesn't want to do that? Do you want a sandwich, Nan? Nan! Sorry, a tortilla.
Sorry.
When is it? The Day Of The Dead? It takes place October 31, November 1.
So it's Halloween, then.
Yes, the English equivalent would indeed be Halloween.
The festival itself is genuinely old.
You're right about that.
It is a pre-Columbian Aztec festival.
The British equivalent is, of course, Halloween, and lots of people lament the trick-or-treating.
They lament it as an American thing, but it is not American.
Anyone know where it comes from? Belgium.
Well, it's somewhere that you know rather well.
Oh, Spain? Scotland.
It is from Scotland.
It is, indeed.
What? Yes.
It's a centuries-old Scottish custom.
It's "All Tricks".
The Scottish have a thing called guising, and children used to go door-to-door dressed as ghosts and say, either "I'll do a trick," which was a song or a dance and then you would get a treat for it.
Right, let's have a look at some other public holidays.
Which one of these do you fancy celebrating? Tomb-Sweeping Day.
Tomb-sweeping Day, also known as the Qingming Festival.
It happens in China and it pretty much does what it says on the tin, really.
You visit family graves and you tidy them.
Are you allowed to hoover? I don't know if you can hoover, but here's the thing - you are allowed not to turn up.
There is a service that some cemeteries offer where staff will do the tomb sweeping on your behalf and you livestream it via an app.
LAUGHTER Another one, let's have a quick look.
Boogie Nights down the bottom there.
The Boogg.
OK.
So this is a Swiss festival and The Boogg is basically a bogeyman, but it's a bogeyman shaped like a snowman.
And what they do - this is to celebrate spring's victory over winter, and he's stuck on top of a bonfire with his head stuffed full of dynamite.
We're walking in the air We're floating in the No! Why are you doing this to me? Why? What have I done to you? Apparently you can tell the summer forecast by how quickly his head explodes.
And eventually, kaboom! Kaboom.
What's his broom for? It's tidying up his grave later.
Sweeping up.
Anyone want to choose another one? Bridget, choose one.
The Day Of The Sea.
This is the only one out of all of them I absolutely want to go to.
It's March the 23rd, the Day Of The Sea.
They haven't got any sea in Bolivia.
I know.
It is a landlocked country but they bemoan the day, in 1879, when they had a battle with Chile and they lost their access to the sea.
Ah.
It is a very famous battle, it was a heroic commander called Eduardo Abaroa and he was invited to surrender by the Chileans and he replied, "Me, surrender? Tell your grandmother to surrender.
" At which point he was shot dead, and he LAUGHTER He had the first home hand.
To the sea, to the sea! They have parades, they have a national beauty contest, people dress up with boats on their heads, the Navy, they still have a Navy.
What? The Bolivian Navy turns out in full regalia and at midday, the whole country falls silent and they listen for five minutes on loudspeakers to the sounds of the sea.
Who doesn't want to go? Anyway, they didn't have a public procession in Mexico City until it was suggested by the parade inspector.
Sorry, by the parade in Spectre, there we are.
Er, now Take your time, I'm here all evening.
Right, who fancies a ride in my Spike Away non-social transient behaviour vest? Transient behaviour? A little clue, I found these in lost property - I don't know if that's of any use to you whatsoever.
Some sort of travelling thing? Yes, travelling, to do with travelling.
Oh, it's something you wear to make people not stand next to you.
Yes! A spiky thing.
It is a spiky thing.
I find my personality does the trick.
But It's a clothing version.
There was a designer named Kathleen McDermott, she created a dress and it senses when people are standing too close and it inflates.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah.
I love this.
Like a pufferfish.
Yes.
The other thing to have is a Singaporean design student called Siew Ming Cheng, made the Spike Away vest.
What it is, it's flexible spikes that you put in the garden to keep animals away from plants.
We have a couple.
So what I'd like is, Phil and Bridget, if you would put on the Spike Away and then I've got, for you, Alan So it just goes over The spikes, they're really hurting me, the spikes.
I think they are supposed to be on the outside, Bridge.
OK, so if you stand here, Alan.
Yeah.
And you two.
So, imagine you're minding your own business In the lifton the Tube and you two wish that he was not there.
So, just see if you could use your Spike Away LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Come on! Oh, you've got me in the shoulder! He's asking for it! BALLOONS POP CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's the most adrenaline I've ever had on this show! Nobody's afraid of balloons, are they? That would be a awful fear.
Now I find out about it, just one week after I was trapped on the Tube with that lecherous balloon modeller.
I do find balloon modelling very strange, don't you? Anybody know what the fear of balloons is called? WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Globophobia.
It is globophobia, yes, or "globe-ophobia", it seems to be a fear ofglobes.
I have got the fear of lots of holes together next to each other.
Have you? Trypophobia, it's called.
Where does this Like a sieve? No.
It's something like a hive or a pomegranate when the seeds are out.
I mean, doesn't anyone else Is that No, honestly, it's just you, darling.
Literally, just you.
It can't just be me.
Anybody else? No, nobody.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Yes! Oh, thank you! It's horrible, isn't it? I'm going to make some holes and see how bad you get.
Oh.
No, it's No? Sorry, that is very unfair.
You can't harm me.
You are an insignificant fear No.
You're not supposed to say that out loud.
That's your own personal mantra.
Moving on.
Anyway, what was I talking about? Anyway, yes, don't stand so close to me or I'll call the police.
Oh, yeah, you see.
Thank you.
To use a slightly creaky pop culture reference which will hopefully appeal to QI's target Pop culture? Pop culture.
It will appeal to QI's target demographic.
Me.
According to the latest research, the average person has five secrets which they have never told to a living soul, so I would like tonight to hear one of yours, please.
You're looking at me.
I was, darling, but you've given enough.
I'll give you all five.
OK, go.
Where I keep my keys.
Yes.
And four murders.
I was once walking home across Hampstead Heath and I got caught short and I had to do a poo under some leaves.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Did you have to do that five times? Four other secret poos I've done, probably.
Sorry.
Let's just retrace our steps.
So, you're crossing Hampstead Heath, trousers down.
No, I didn't have my trousers down until I needed to go.
He doesn't walk around with his trousers down Do you? Then, as I went to pull my trousers up .
.
I slipped over in it Excuse me, sorry, have you not been mocking me? I'm not mocking you, I'm being sympathetic.
No, you haven't.
And you've shat in a bush.
Did you have any paper with you? No, I used some leaves and that's what I slipped on.
And my glasses fell off and I had to go home and when I got home, I couldn't properly see my house.
I thought, "Where are my My glasses have fallen off!" I had to go back and look for them.
How drunk were you? Oh, I was pretty A bit steamed.
LAUGHTER Columbia Business School, it was a study, they used 38 categories of secrets.
So there's all the normal ones you might have, you know - stealing, cheating, fancying somebody you shouldn't fancy.
But they also had some odd choices.
So, a secret opinion, not liking something that people think that you like, planning a surprise for somebody, a secret hobby.
They asked 2,000 participants if they had those kind of secrets.
Oh, I didn't really realise those were the parameters, I thought Yeah, oh I thought .
.
terribly humiliating events.
I didn't realise, like, a secret opinion.
No, but I'd like yours as a benchmark, I think it's very Oh, you didn't on the bench as well, did you? APPLAUSE There's a link between having secrets and people being clumsy, people getting depressed, people having anxiety, chronic illnesses, even the common cold.
But what they reckon is, it's the having the secret that's the burden, not the keeping of it.
It's the worrying that you do on your own when you've got this secret.
I feel ever more regretful about LAUGHTER You overshared.
I did overshare.
We're playing the game, and I've absolutely been hung out to dry in my own faeces.
Anyway, my secret is that I am a closet beanbag tosser.
Here we go, Phill and Victoria.
You've called yourself a beanbag tosser? I I don't want to just call myself a tosser, darling, I thought the beanbag thing was better.
These are actually Sandi's pillows from her bed.
OK.
There is a basket you can see on the I there.
LAUGHTER I've got another one.
I've got another one, don't worry.
I'm livid about my secret.
At least he didn't shit in the basket.
No, no, no! No.
Right.
It is addictive isn't it? Phill, have a go.
OK.
Mind, don't hit him.
Alan, can you get Can you get mine for me? Stay away from me, you dirty bastard! You're not allowed to bring it up again.
When someone's revealed something, you're not allowed to use it against them.
Darling, I don't think the fact you've shat in a bush is ever going to go away.
Oh.
So here is the thing CHEERING CHEERING It's another study by the University of Amsterdam.
So, people who have secrets find them burdensome They're all stoned.
DUTCH ACCENT: What if we threw beanbags at the palace? LAUGHTER So, I am surprised, Alan, that you are telling us all these secrets, because you were easily the person who threw the beanbags too far.
And people who did this study in the University of Amsterdam, they find people are physically burdened by having a secret, and they tend to think physical tasks are too difficult.
Well, I have got much, much darker secrets than that.
If you think your husband's having an affair Get him to toss beanbags.
.
.
see if he can hit a milk bottle with a ping-pong ball? Yes.
That's the sort of thing.
Is that a euphemism? So whoever overshoots has got a guilty conscience, that's all I'm saying.
What does it mean if you got one in? Are we still talking about the beanbags? It means you're a very well-balanced individual.
You're a nicely balanced individual.
Apart from the holes.
It's no secret everybody has a few things they'd like to keep private.
No shit! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, what's so embarrassing about this guy? He's pooed in that case! If only I'd had an attache case at the time.
El Cobrador del Frac, so El Cobrador is Something to do with cobras? It's a debt collector.
Ah.
Oh.
So he is a frock-coated debt collector.
And I think we should have this.
This is apparently a common sight in Spain.
If you've got a debt that you can't collect, you can call in a company that specialises in sending these distinctively dressed people out to haunt the debtor.
So they never speak to them, they don't approach them, they just stand hour after hour staring at you.
What? Yep.
You could be at work, you could be in a restaurant, you can be on the street, and the whole world knows that the debtor is being what used to be called dunned.
These are not the only cobradors.
There are ones who are dressed as bull-fighters, as clowns, monks, bears.
What! Rewind a minute.
Yeah.
A bear will go and stand because you owe someone a few bob? A bear will just stand and stare at you.
I've never wanted to be in debt in Spain more in my life.
But my favourite, there's one company that employs a bagpiper to bagpipe incessantly outside your house until you pay up.
I think the Queen must owe a lot of money! In Britain, the Office of Fair Trading lists acting in a way likely to be publicly embarrassing to the debtor as unfair practice, so they wouldn't be allowed here, but I think it's marvellous thing.
There is a very good thing which I did like - in the 1990s, the Mayor of Bogota hired 20 professional mimes to mimic people who flouted traffic laws.
And it was so successful, they ended up training another 400 mimes.
It turns out people are more afraid of being mocked than they are of being fined.
When I went to La Paz on my Bolivia trip, they have people dressed as zebras to help you cross the road.
Seriously? I'm not joking.
And they kind of dance while they're helping you across the road.
They've had such trouble with cars hitting people.
Yeah.
What a car will do is it will stop if it sees three dancing zebras going in front of it.
A fantastic interpretation of a zebra crossing.
I love that.
Yeah, actual zebra crossings.
OK.
Now, what could be more private than a privy? But those outdoor lavs can be awfully chilly.
What's the best way to keep them warm? I mean, to Alan, everything's an outdoor privy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE They could do with a few of those on Hampstead Heath.
That's exactly the hat I was wearing.
Hang on a minute! What do you reckon? It's old-fashioned, it's been around since Elizabethan times.
Something to do with compost? Yes, you're heading in the right sort of direction.
Who might produce a lot of Well, other than Alan! Who might produce Like cattle, sort of, an animal.
Pigs.
Animals, you're absolutely right, it's pigs.
And in lots of places, it was traditional to build a pigsty and the privy right next to each other.
That allowed heat generated in the former to improve the comfort of the latter.
It goes back a very long way.
And lots of places, privies emptied directly into the pigsty, so ultimately your waste becomes sausages.
Do you think that's why pigs have the reputation of being dirty when they're very clean animals? They're extremely clean, and it may be that we associate them with our own waste - that is perfectly possible.
Now for a round where we publicly mock your private delusions.
General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
Which of these can you eat if you are a strict vegan? Any of them, right? KLAXON No, why not? Is one of them made out of animals? No.
So, almonds, avocados.
All of them, in fact.
It's the same reason as honey.
Oh, bees.
They can't exist without bees, and the bees are used in Let's call it an unnatural way.
Because they're so difficult to cultivate naturally, all of these crops rely on bees which are placed on the back of trucks and taken very long distances across the country.
It is called migratory beekeeping.
Oh, God.
And it's obviously a LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, God.
Can we change the picture, please? We can't look at the holes.
You can't look either, can you? No.
Has it gone yet? No? Yes, gone.
It's gone, it's gone.
So, it's migratory beekeeping, and it's an unnatural use of animals, and there are lots of foods that fall foul of this.
Broccoli is a good example.
Cherries, cucumbers, lettuce.
Lots of vegan things actually are not strictly vegan, so, bad news for millennials, I'm afraid - avocado toast is usually not vegan.
If you've got 20-20 vision, how good is your eyesight? Good.
Normal.
It is absolutely average.
It is not perfect.
So, in the UK, we actually say 6-6 rather than 20-20.
20-20 is the American thing.
So, if you are 20-20 vision, it means you can see at 20 feet what an average person can see at 20 feet.
If you can't see the top letter, which is at 20-200 - in other words at 20 feet what the average person could see at 200 with your glasses on - then you are legally blind.
Or you're looking the wrong way.
The limit for human beings, given the physical characteristics of our eyeballs, is thought to be 20-8, which means you can see at 20 feet what an average person can see at eight feet.
A kestrel can see in the ultraviolet range which means that it can see traces of urine around the holes where tiny mammals go in and out.
Isn't that astonishing? And then it can hang about till they pop out for a slash! I was probably lucky not to be swept off by one.
Because they have got them on Hampstead Heath.
They had an eye on you.
So 20 feet is roughly infinity for us, and any time you focus on something that is nearer than 20 feet, so, maybe Argh! What, are you all right? Oh! What, you don't like eyes? Big eye.
Oh! I feel like I'm holding together some kind of group therapy this evening.
You absolutely, definitely are.
"I need to poo outside.
" "I can't look at holes.
" "Argh! Big eyes!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Anyway, moving on.
Presumably, these people aren't bored or tired.
So why are they yawning? Before KLAXON Didn't even get to the end of the thing.
We used to think that it gave us extra oxygen, but it absolutely does not do that.
But it may be that it regulates the brain temperature by cooling the blood on the way to the brain, and that makes us more alert.
So some people now do it in sport, not because they're stressed, but because they're trying to get themselves as ready as they can.
What is amazing about it, it does seem to be contagious - but only some people are susceptible to it.
It rather depends on how much empathy they have.
If you have more empathy, you're more likely to catch a yawn, and yawns are not catching at all in children under the age of four because, before the age of four, you haven't developed any empathy.
But virtually all vertebrates yawn - so fish, snakes.
But only humans and chimpanzees, dogs, budgies have a contagion of yawning.
Fish are yawning? Yes.
That puts an entirely different perspective on fishing, doesn't it? There's even, darling - there's even interspecies contagion of yawning.
So a human and a dog might - one yawns and it sets the other one off Oh, that's me now.
That's so sweet.
And you're going to love this.
Babies yawn in the womb.
Have a look at this tiny bit of footage.
GASPING Let me out! Yeah, he's yawning, Sandi! He's yawning.
He's yawning.
Here's a good word to take away, which I really love - pandiculation.
Pandiculation is yawning and stretching at the same time and just for any women using Prozac or using antidepressant drugs, there is a side effect that you can get which is the yawning orgasm, is that you have an orgasm every time you yawn.
That takes me back to my honeymoon.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look at the scores.
Publicly shamed in fourth place with -16, it's Alan.
APPLAUSE Privately relieved not to have come last, in third place with no points at all, it's Bridget.
APPLAUSE The public place of good, but not quite good enough, in second place with 6 points, it's Phill.
APPLAUSE And in first place with a public display of modesty, while in private she's fist-pumping and shouting yay, with 9 points it's Victoria.
CHEERING APPLAUSE I'd like to thank Victoria, Phill, Bridget and Alan and leave you with the words of Irish playwright Brendan Behan who, a few weeks before his death in 1964, told the interviewer, "All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.
" To the great British public, with love from QI, goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE