South Park s16e05 Episode Script

I'm telling you, music videos have evolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes and singing about their vajayjays.
It used to be about relationships, now it's all, My vajayjay this, my vajayjay that.
But, clearly, thats what sells.
When was the last time you didn't see some chicks singing about her vajayjay? You cant remember.
Hey.
Where's your lunch? It's OK.
I'm not hungry anyway.
Did a bully take your lunch money again? That's the third day.
You got to tell a teacher.
I'm not a tattletale.
Then write an anonymous letter.
I'm not an anonymous Andy.
So get a bigger bully to beat the bully up.
I don't want kids calling me a cliché conflict resolution Kevin.
" He has a point.
" Then you got to ride it out.
Life sucks sometimes, but it will pass.
I can't believe it.
This is why bullying is getting worse and worse.
We can't sit by and let it happen anymore.
Good for you.
Nice somebody has some balls.
" I have balls.
" Little swishy bubble tea balls.
Still balls.
Why don't you talk to your family about it? Your grandma's visiting this week.
Why don't you talk to her? My grandma? So then your cousin Elbert actually has two girls now.
One is three, and the other's about Butters' age.
Speak of the devil.
What happened to your eye? Grandma, can I talk to you? Sure, you come and sit right here next to Granny.
Can I maybe talk to Granny alone? Sure, I guess.
We'll go make some tea.
Some tea would be lovely.
What's up? You think you're tough? I don't want you to pick on me no more.
You think you're fucking tough? You don't look fucking tough.
" I don't think I'm tough.
" You're a little faggot.
You got any more money? No, you took it all! Why don't you do something about it? Do something, you little bitch.
You're Grandma's bitch.
" Here we go.
" There is the tea.
Tea for me, how lucky.
And your favorite lemon bars.
Goodness, what a treat this is.
What is happening at your school is no different from what's happening in the country.
Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid.
And we, at Bully Buckers™, are trying to stamp it out.
What is your school's policy on bullying? We think that bullying is bad.
When we see bullying in the school, we tell the students that¦ that's bad.
One of your students told us bullying in your school is getting worse.
" Who said? " He didn't want that disclosed.
He's a little anonymous Andy.
We'd like to have an assembly with your students this afternoon.
But today is actually bad.
I already have an assembly today on positive thinking.
You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools? " What's wrong with you? " I mean¦ Shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign? Bullying needs to be stopped, now.
This afternoon.
You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork? Attention, students.
Today, we will have an assembly on the subject of bullying.
The assembly is mandatory.
Better show up.
Your grandma's looking for you.
My grandma? She said to meet her outside behind the school.
Hamburgers! Hey, twerp! You went narced on me.
Hi, Grandma.
I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor.
Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc? I didn't narc.
It wasn't me.
Look, what's this over here? It's a narc puck.
This is what narcs have to put in their mouth.
It's got piss all over it.
No, knock it off! No, stop it! Put it in your mouth.
Put it in your fucking mouth.
Sorry.
This door isn't supposed to be locked.
I'm sorry.
I needed the rest room.
My grandson brought me to this one.
Isn't that right? Butters, you goofball.
I'll show you to the girls' room.
Thank you so much.
You narc again and you're fucking dead.
Fucking dead, you got it? I'm coming.
What makes a bully? There are more bullies at your school than you even think.
The student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself.
Come on out, Lorraine.
I asked your schoolmate here to help me out.
Are you bullied in the school? Kids pick on you, call you names? Sometimes.
What kinds of things do they say to you? Ugly.
Nerd.
Do they say, œNice pants.
Why do you wear them up to your tits? Bullying affects everyone.
Only if the entire school is united, can bullying ever be stopped.
Go, get out of here.
What we, at Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers™, like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video.
Who would like to be the director in charge of our video? We just need one student to lead our anti-bullying campaign.
Are you all chicken? Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bully video? I'll do it.
I'll be in charge.
You wanna show what a big man you are? Bullying has gotten out of hand, and it needs to be stopped.
Good for you.
He's cool.
You wanna know who I hate? I hate that kid, Butters.
He's a dork.
Let's go pick on him.
Guys, don't pick on Butters.
That's not cool.
You can't do that.
Bullying, did you know that in America, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school because of bullying? At South Park Elementary, we're better than that.
Let's all put an end to bullying, right now! Five, six, seven, eight.
Bullying isn't cool Bullying is lame Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name For a healthy world, bullying is unfit And I think I know what we should do to it Let's all get together And make bullying kill itself Bullying is an ugly thing Let's shove its face in the dirt And make bullying kill itself Boy, you like my body Let's play You can touch me anywhere except my vajayjay We can make it stop We can stop it out We can beat its ass until it starts to cry Let's gang up on it and tell it it smells And beat its ass worse if it ever tells Let's all join together To try and make bullying kill itself It will be fun to see just how bad We can make it feel Make bullying kill itself My heart says yes But my vajayjay says no Trapped inside the darkness of my mind I try to break free The words are so unkind " Stupid.
" Ugly.
" Pantsie.
" Dork.
You guys, can I not do this, please? I don't wanna do this.
You ruined it! This is all one big long shot, and you ruined it.
But this is just gonna make things worst for me.
" You're the star of the video.
" He doesn't want to do it.
You wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters? Where are you going? Why are you doing this? To stop bullying.
You're gonna stop bullying? With Cartman singing about his vagina? It's about awareness.
Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying, do you realize that in America, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school everyday¦ Don't act for me.
Really.
Every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you.
I'm making a difference.
Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego.
What the hell does that mean? Oh, Heavens to Betsy.
This is such a yummy, yummy ham.
I just love your cooking.
Our Linda certainly does know her way around a pork.
What's the matter? Nothing, just a little gassy.
Don't fart on Grandma.
She's trying to enjoy her ham.
I won't.
I'll get it.
Is that a new clock on the wall? Stephen and I got that last month.
It's from Germany, I believe.
I love the cute little canary on the dial.
And, every hour, it chimes.
Your friends want to see you.
We have awesome news.
A Hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video.
An anti-bullying video? How adorable.
And Butters is the star.
They want to do a photo shoot to make movie posters.
I know, right! What's up? You went and made a video, and sold it without letting me know.
Doing the video was my idea.
It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers™.
But I worked hard on that.
It's been stressful¦ It's been stressful? What's wrong with you? Kids are getting bullied, and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers™ can become the legit organization it deserves to be.
You greedy, selfish, little prick! You gonna cry? Go ahead, let me see you cry.
You don't have a choice, Butters.
You have to defend yourself.
But violence is never the answer.
But she's gonna kill you.
You know she is.
You're right, I don't have a choice.
Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yourself.
It's time you met Chaos.
I've been pushed around for the last time.
Now I'm coming, and heck's coming with me.
Look, it's Captain Pussy.
You can't stop me, Captain Pussy.
Don't even try.
Grandma? But how¦ I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet.
Now come on, Captain Pussy.
Time for you to get your gummy bears.
Grandma, please.
Not gummy bears.
Come here! " Grandma! " Stand up for yourself.
" Fight back, be a fucking man.
" I can't.
Then it looks like you get gummy bears.
Gummy bears! What's up? I'm Mick Jabs, from the movie company that bought the bully video.
Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me? That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin.
The video was conceived, written and directed by the students.
It was my idea.
I told the students to make the video, and I produced the entire thing.
I deserve to have my name on it.
Only problem is America doesn't give a shit about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut.
They wanna believe kids did something on their own.
Here's a cease-and-desist letter from our lawyers.
If you ever claim any authorship, we'll sue you for everything you have.
But this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers™ a national organization.
You gonna cry? It will look bad with your Captain Kangaroo haircut.
Hold it right there.
Cool.
What are you doing to my locker? We're putting up a movie poster.
The premiere's tomorrow.
But since you walked out, you don't get to come.
I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere.
And don't tape that to my locker! Oh, God.
What's up? Why trash-talk our theatrical release? You really think this is good for Butters? To have his face put all over signs as the poster child for bullying? " Butters is fine with it.
" Butters is ten.
He doesn't know what's best for him, and neither do you.
That's enough.
I'm not gonna be bullied by you.
You were waiting for me in the bathroom.
This is all getting way too big.
Tell the studio you aren't selling.
This video can change how people think about bullying.
It needs to be seen by everybody.
If it needs to be seen by everybody, why not put it on the Internet for free? " What's the question again? " If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, why don't you put it on the Internet for free? " I'm going to the bathroom.
" Fine.
But when you're naked and jacking it in San Diego, don't ask me for help.
Why does he keep saying that? We all know that bullying has become an epidemic.
Like AIDS, bullying is escalating, and it spreads mostly by penises.
But a few kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself.
I'm joined by the director and the main subject of the film.
Congratulations on your success.
I was tired of seeing kids getting pushed around and had to do something.
And you, what would you like to say to your bully out there? Nothing.
This is for everyone who's been a victim.
What do you want to say to bullies all across America? Go ahead, say it.
Stop trying to make me say things on your TV show.
Do you hear that? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows.
" What else do you wanna say? " Leave me alone.
Leave him alone.
" But that doesn't work.
" No, it doesn't.
Tell us in graphic detail what the bully does for you.
" Stop it! " This is for America.
Do you realize that in America, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying? Don't you care? You better care.
What the hell were you thinking? Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is a violent psychopath.
" I didn't know.
" This could kill our box office.
People are gonna come after us saying we didn't check our facts.
I didn't beat up Dr.
Oz.
Don't be mad at me.
It's your fucking movie! Now, I have to work overtime with marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim.
Get the fuck out of here.
I got to go to the bathroom.
My child, have you ever heard of a place called hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad.
What are you gonna do, cry now? Grandma, I did it.
I finally stood up for myself.
I got real mean, and I beat the snot out of Dr.
Oz.
I can't lie, it felt kind of good, at first.
But since then, I have this dark empty feeling.
Then I realized that's how you must feel, all the time.
Poor old Grandma.
I've been given lots of advice on how to deal with you.
Stand up to you, tell on you¦ But I realized there are people like you out there, all over the place.
When you're a kid, things seem like they'll last forever, but they won't.
Life changes.
You won't always be around.
Someday, you're gonna die.
Someday pretty soon.
And when you're laying in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, I'll come visit you.
I'll come just to show you I'm alive and happy.
And you'll die, being nothing but you.
Good night.
Come on.
" What's going on? " You didn't hear? Now that America knows Butters is a psychopath, they say you made a bullcrap video.
" What did the studio say about it? " The studio backed out.
The producer had a change of heart.
You made us look like uncaring idiots.
How was I supposed to know Butters was a psychopath? Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago.
ABC called, and Dr.
Oz is suing you and our entire school.
What are you gonna do? There's only one thing left for me to do.
I'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines Been spreading the word, and now I need to ease my mind Been planting them apple seeds, and while the apples grow I'm gonna go out jacking it in San Diego Jacking it, jacking it, jackety-jack Spanking it, jacking it, spankety-smack I don't need no shirt, no Gonna to take them pants right off On such a bright day, who needs underwear or socks Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know There's no better place for jacking it than San Diego Jack it, jack it, jackety-jack Spanking it, spanking it, smackety-smack Jacking it, jacking it, jackety-jack Jacking for the Lord! Come to San Diego.
There's so much to see.
From the waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town.
And after a day of sightseeing, why not try spanking it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego.
Come, take a load off.
Jacking it, jacking it, jackety-jack Spanking it, spanking it, smackety-smack Whacking it, whacking it, whackety-whack Spanking it, jerking it, smackety-smack The cars are passing me by They honk and say hello That guy's jacking it! From his window, there's a guy shooting video And if the good Lord Jesus comes knocking on my door Just tell him that I'm jacking it in San Diego Jacking it, jacking it, jackety-jack Spanking it, spanking it, smackety-smack Jacking it Jack, jacking it Jack Whack, whacking it, whacking it