Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e06 Episode Script

Bacon! Tha's been frying bacon.
I bet tha wears that perfume on purpose just to drive a bloke wild! Have you just got out of bed?! How can you sleep in them grey overalls? I love that wicked talk! I don't know what I fancy first, a cuddle or a bacon sarnie! I've got better things to do than feed you.
If tha didn't have breakfast so early, I could come.
You're always hungry.
You're like a walking wheelie-bin.
Well, tha know how it is.
When a bloke's at his physical peak, he can't be mean, moody and magnificent without his calories.
Hey, Nora, give us a calorie.
Apart from the enemy, there were all these deadly jungle diseases.
No need to back away.
I haven't got any of them now.
I seemed to shake them off quite quickly.
I had this natural aptitude for the jungle.
I was the first white man the natives had seen who was more at home in the jungle than they were.
They called me He Who Walks Like Panther.
It's quite a jungle you've got in there, isn't it? Bits of wire all over the place.
That brings back the old memories.
I always used to carry a bit of wire.
For silent killing, there's nothing to beat it.
If I had a shilling for every Jap I've seen off with a bit of wire CRIES OUT Must have given himself a shock.
Touched the wrong bit of wire, I expect.
Excitable type.
Wouldn't have lasted long under torture.
But then, not many of us did.
Howard, I am NOT getting involved.
You won't be getting involved! You just mention it occasionally when you happen to be passing Pearl.
Passing Pearl is as involved as I ever want to get.
All we have to do is to keep dropping hints casually about how much of an outdoors man I am.
Outdoors man? You? Howard, if you were in a Tarzan picture, you'd be Jane! I'm an outdoors man.
I'd like Pearl to realise I'm an outdoors man.
It's who you're outdoors with that worries her! I don't mean that kind of outdoors.
I mean REAL outdoors.
Hiking, trekking, backpacking.
But you've never done any of that! I'm going to start.
That is if I can convince Pearl I'm an outdoors man.
That's where you can help.
Just think about it.
That's all I ask.
And where are you going now, outdoors man? I have to finish dusting.
And wiping the bedroom paintwork.
Hey! You with the puncture in your trousers! What is it? Come and find out.
COMPO SINGS TO HIMSELF Ho! Ho! Ho! I shouldn't be doing this.
I should be somewhere wild and rugged.
The spare bedroom? We'll do that next.
A man needs a challenge.
You're going to get one.
The spare bedroom.
Come on.
I was built for outdoors.
You? Why does everybody say that? This is ME you're talking to.
I used to have to walk you to the outside toilet! Only in the dark.
You've missed a bit.
Morning, ladies! You've missed a bit, Ivy Don't you start! Only trying to help.
Why is it when you start cleaning a window, critics come out of the woodwork? You can't help some people! If there's one thing people can't stand, it's people being helpful.
What's got into him? It's Fred Astaire! Or is it Ginger Rogers? I knew it would happen one day.
He's snapped.
Maybe it's only a little snap.
Looks like a big snap to me.
She gave me a bacon sarnie! Who did? Nora Batty.
She came out of her house this morning and gave me a bacon sarnie! Unfair trading, I call that.
On the end of a brush? On a plate! But she usually hits you with a brush.
Maybe it's a trap.
# She lo-o-o-o-oves me! # Because of a bacon sarnie? That's a sort of Valentine, in't it? I like it! Yeah! Every February, people start exchanging bacon sarnies! You get anonymous bacon sarnies.
No, listen, it's a sign.
After all these years, I'm getting through.
You're coming through that pullover.
Why don't you get it mended? I might get a new one now.
Oh, go steady! You don't have to change your whole personality just for one bacon sarnie! If anyone ought to change his personality, it's him.
I just might, now we're on bacon butty terms.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! When you look at all this space and the sky, you can't help wondering what is that man doing way up there with a wheelie-bin? Maybe he's going to jump off.
With a wheelie-bin? Maybe he's very tidy.
Maybe he's not as lucky in love as I am.
Maybe he just wants to end it all.
He's climbing into the wheelie-bin! He IS tidy.
I daren't look! It's still alive.
More than it deserves to be.
Are you all right, that man? He can't hear thee.
It's the helmet.
Where did you come creeping up from? We just wondered if you were all right.
I was till you crept up and half scared me to death! Tha's a bit nervous.
Nervous? I've got nerves like a rock! And a brain to match.
What are you doing, jumping off a hill in a wheelie-bin? That's classified information! Do you think she'll have any backpacking gear? She usually has something.
It'll be cheaper than buying new.
It doesn't matter if it's a bit old-fashioned.
I love it when you're being old-fashioned, Howard.
Oh, Marina! Oh, Howard! Oh, for goodness' sake! Why don't you come inside where you can see better? I'm coming inside.
I can't speak for the other person, whoever 'e is.
I think I might pop in and take a look.
After you then, stranger.
I'm sure we'll have whatever you're looking for.
And for customers who spend freely, there's a special offer.
What's that? I don't say a word to Pearl.
Look at him! Stiff as a board.
No idea how to fall, that's his trouble.
He lacks the training.
He was falling all right when we saw him.
What's tha think? He might be a bit crackers.
Oh, yes.
I liked him immediately.
That's better! The red mist is clearing now.
It does after a while.
Oh, tha's done this before, then? Of course! I'm not some novice.
What's it all in aid of, Mr? Pocklington.
Stanley Pocklington.
You can call me Ace.
Ace?! No hi-tech space-buster is called Stanley! You need a name with a bit more zip.
He's got a point.
It'll be a blunt one if he keeps falling on it.
If I'm going down in history, I want something racier than Stanley.
For space travel, tha wants something racier than a wheelie-bin.
Is it classified? You're not allowed to tell us how you get the wheelie-bin into space.
I'm not going into space in a wheelie-bin.
It's a space simulator.
A wheelie-bin is a space simulator? Certainly.
It gives me hands-on experience of all the buffeting of re-entry.
But there's no heat.
Re-entry creates enormous heat.
What about the heat? What about shutting your big gob? Oh, they don't make them like this any more.
They used to explore Africa with things like this.
They could have brought a lot of it back.
I was thinking more of something modern and lightweight.
Lightweight? Oh, don't talk to me about lightweight! Flimsy, that's all it means.
No, what you need is durable material of high quality.
Now, just feel this.
This won't let you down when the going gets rough.
I wonder if I ought to ask this young lady's opinion.
It's bound to be unbiased, as a complete stranger.
Tell him it suits him, Marina.
Or I suppose we could get Pearl's opinion.
I think it suits you, Howard.
By 'eck, he put that one into space quick enough.
I think I'll have another.
Whose round is it? Should you be drinking if you're in training? I'm making the best of it when I can.
Up there, it'll be tasteless mush.
Can you get TV soaps as far out as that? I'll have another beer.
Well, as soon as I've finished mine.
He's a sipper, isn't he? A big sipper.
Where is your spaceship, then? I'll bet that's classified.
Our Nevil's working on it now.
Oh.
Rocket engineer, is he? Not exactly.
He works for British Rail.
Not exactly is right.
Has he much experience, your Nevil, in constructing space vehicles? He's good with his hands.
He does all his own plumbing.
Hurry up and drink your beer! Oh, you won't regret it.
Stuff of that quality'll last you a lifetime.
^ We won't last long carting this lot! ^ We'll never get it in the back pack.
You've got to be tidy.
It's got to be folded smaller.
You'll get the hang of it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here.
Elastic bands.
They'll help you to keep things folded small.
Now, I'm not charging you for these but don't you dare tell anybody I'm giving free gifts.
I shall be orbiting the earth quicker than he goes for a round! We've always had trouble with him.
It's not that he minds going for a round, it's just paying for it.
We think it's against his religion.
Drinking? No, paying for it.
Who's paying for this space vehicle your Nevil's constructing? That's been one of the troubles.
The bank manager was very iffy.
Well, I can see why.
We're looking for sponsors.
Don't look at me.
I've just bought a round.
It's my round next, so that lets me out of the aero-space race.
What are tha doing all the training for if Nevil hasn't even got a spaceship yet? I've got to be ready, haven't I? It's no good waiting for the vehicle to be ready.
I've got to be trained and in tip-top condition.
He's not in bad condition.
It's a wonder he can stand up, the way he drinks.
He's certainly been in training for that! What is next on your schedule? Training the body to withstand the forces of sudden acceleration and deceleration.
Are you up to it? Up to it? I'm in peak physical condition! Maybe you were when you came in but you've been drinking too fast.
What a load of rubbish! A bloke has a few friendly drinks.
Next minute, people of non-astronaut status are accusing him of being in drink.
Follow me! # Off we go in the wild blue yonder Climbing high into the sun # Here they come Zooming to meet our thunder # At 'em, boys, give us a gun! # Down we dive spouting a flame from under # Off we go with a helluva roar.
# What have you got there? An astronaut.
Ask a silly question.
# Off we go in the wild blue yonder # Climbing high into the sun # Here they come # Noisy lot, these astronauts.
# At 'em, boys, give us a gun! Give us a gun! # Mine's going backpacking.
Wants to test himself against the wilderness.
This is somebody could get lost in the garden.
They always get these macho urges.
It has to be something dramatic.
They never wake up shouting, "I'm going to be a hairdresser!" I blame all them Tarzan pictures.
They all loved those Tarzan pictures.
I don't know how your dad would manage in the jungle, miles from anything he can unscrew.
I don't think my Barry wants to test himself.
I should hope not, now he's got them new glasses.
I expect he could if he wanted.
My Barry's quite well-developed.
Will you drink your coffee?! It's a mistake to let 'em get well-developed.
Puny's as much as they can handle, brainwise.
They do say they've got a bigger brain than we have.
I expect most of it's not connected.
Mine's never been well-developed.
He eats like a horse but he looks as if I keep him locked up without food.
I fed mine all those years and I could still never take him past an Oxfam shop without feeling guilty.
Mine was big enough, but he wasn't too bright.
No, it's not often they're bright.
It's one thing we women ought to feel grateful for.
My Barry's quite bright.
That's just education.
It's all on the surface.
Underneath, they're all twelve years old.
Except those that are eleven.
Bigger brains! Huh! They've got bigger feet, but it doesn't make 'em dance any better.
SNORING Go! Pedal, man, pedal! Did you enjoy that? What's it supposed to do? It's training you to get used to sudden deceleration.
You never know when it might come in handy getting used to sudden deceleration.
Yeah, but why me? It's him in the wheelie-bin what needs it.
You're doing it for him.
When he comes round, we shall have worked out a training programme for him.
Well, that's me finished.
Let somebody else do the second bit of the training programme.
You can't pack it in now! Watch me.
Forget it.
Any other time, I'd love to, but I have to take this paint and stuff to Auntie Wainwright.
Forget it.
Don't you think it might be worth a few bacon sandwiches? When a certain lady finds out she's living next door to an astronaut I'm not an astronaut.
All right, then, a trainee astronaut.
That's got to be worth a few bacon sarnies.
One small step for man, but a huge step for lunacy.
Are you ready for it? I think I am now.
Ah! Very nice.
You're getting the hang of it now.
Very well then, no more bicycles.
No more nothing! I'm ashamed of you.
You can't let this man down like that.
How come I'm letting him down? You got him drunk.
ME? You forced me to buy that last round.
If we don't use force, tha never buys.
The fact remains, the man is drunk.
He's temporarily out of action.
The least we can do is continue his noble work in his absence.
That sounds a good idea - absence! Look, you just can't walk out like that.
Inside this wheelie-bin is something of rare Stupidity? No, not stupidity! Something of rare ambition and quality.
Inside that wheelie-bin is the spirit of Old England.
To say nothing of Nevil busy somewhere constructing the vehicle.
Now, you have the chance to play a little part in history.
How little? I don't think you should have asked that.
Oh, Howard! Oh-h! Oh, Marina! I am going to have to lie down, Howard.
I think it's time we took a breather.
When did you get this backpacking idea, Howard? It just came to me.
Are you ready? I'm ready! There's nothing to this astronaut lark! I can do it.
Ace is in orbit again.
And now he's got a passenger.
SLURRED: It worked! I'm on an alien planet.
Oh, there is life on other planets! There's plenty of life in that one.
Very kind of you to say so.