Family Guy s16e07 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! JEFF PROBST: Previously on Family Guy Certain of his own wit and intellect, Brian opened up a Twitter account.
If you ask me, Twitter is the perfect place for that guy, because he's a twit.
PROBST: But an off-color tweet suddenly made Brian a pariah to all of Quahog, forcing the family to make the difficult choice of sending him to a crappy apartment on the other side of town.
Brian, the family has spoken.
You know, you're the only man in America who looks good in sandals and cargo shorts.
Good luck, everyone.
I'll miss you.
Uhp, something's comin'! MAN: Brian.
Brian! I said you're a week late on your rent.
Well, I can get you the money.
Hang-hang on.
- Let me just make a call.
- (LINE RINGING) LOIS (RECORDED): Hello.
You've reached - LOIS/PETER/MEG/STEWIE: The Griffins! - CHRIS: Chris! STEWIE: See that? I told you we should've rehearsed this.
- PETER: Lois, can we do it over? - LOIS: No, that's eight times.
- Just leave a message.
- CHRIS: I'm sorry.
- (BEEP) - Hey, guys.
It's me again.
Brian.
We haven't talked since I moved out, so I figured, you know, 10:00, you're probably on the couch watching Pawn Stars.
So, uh, pick up.
Pick up? Uh, da, da, da, da, da, da.
Maybe you went out.
Da, da, da, da, da, da.
Da, da, da Ooh-wa, ooh Okay.
Well, again, it's Brian.
Um, guys, really, really, call me back.
- It's Brian.
Bye.
- (BEEP) So, what do you think? Is your family gonna give you money for the rent? Yeah, I'm thinking no.
Well, you got to do something, Brian.
- You're a week behind.
- Okay, okay.
Look, I'll get a job, okay? There's got to be something I can do.
It's not like I'm Ringo.
Well, lads, what do you think of the new album cover? Great, but it won't look good when it's shrunk down for a CD.
CD? What's a CD? A digital compact disc.
Ringo, are you from the future? Yeah.
And I outlive two of you.
- Which two? - Yeah, come on, Ringo.
Tell us.
Okay, but you all have to agree to do my song about the octopus.
Hey, before you tell us, I'm gonna go and smoke a thousand cigarettes.
And I'm gonna move to New York City and walk in and out of my building.
Okay, everybody, time to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house.
- They're dead.
- Not your grandparents, Peter.
I'm talking about my parents.
I hate going there.
I'm not allowed to touch anything in their house.
And, besides, today's Dolph Lundgren's birthday, and me and the guys always celebrate it by watching Rocky IV.
Fine, we're probably better off without you.
You always find a way to embarrass us at my parents'.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Please pass the All Fruit.
Pass the Polaner All Fruit.
LOIS: Pass the Polaner All Fruit.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): Would you please pass the jelly? - (TRAY CLANGS) - (BABS GROANS) Hi.
We're concerned that many of you Family Guy fans under 40 didn't get that reference, so I'm gonna take you through the actual commercial.
Okay, typical '80s stuffy brunch.
Please pass the All Fruit.
Clearly the matriarch.
She's got the most pearls.
Pass the Polaner All Fruit.
Weird sexual tension there.
WOMAN: Pass the Polaner All Fruit.
Okay, okay, watch.
Here's where it all goes to hell.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): Would you please pass the jelly? - (CRASHING) - (GROANS) See? He called it jelly.
See All right, now, what I don't get is, if they know this guy, why are they surprised by the way he talks? Right? And if they don't know him, why is he at the table? Okay, now you have the information that would've made that funny had you had it going in.
All right, you ready to watch Rocky IV? - Let's do it! - Yeah! Happy Dolph Lundgren Day! (STATIC) What the what the hell? Try blowing on it.
(BLOWING) - (STATIC) - Crap! It doesn't work! Well, we got to watch the movie.
It's our tradition.
We could just stream it on your Apple TV.
Is that what that is? I thought it was a coaster.
I've been putting cold, wet things on it for a month.
Turn it on.
I'm sure we can find Rocky IV on there.
I don't know how to turn it on.
It doesn't have any buttons.
Well, maybe it's voice-activated.
Rocky IV! Rocky IV! Let's just go to the damn store.
Hold on, hold on, let me try screaming at the PlayStation.
Hey, you guys, why the long faces? Eh, we were trying to watch Rocky IV and our DVD didn't work.
And that's just Scottie Pippen.
When I was a baby, they pulled me out of my moms real slow.
We got a bin of old movies.
Rocky IV might be in there.
Let's see.
Talladega Nights, everywhere.
Ladybugs, classic Rodney.
A Million Ways to Die in the West, no, thank you.
Here it is! Rocky IV! Aw, nuts, this one's written in terrorism.
That's, uh, Cyrillic.
It's a Russian bootleg.
All right, we'll take it.
It's better than nothing.
NOTHING: Hey! Welcome aboard, Brian.
This is your coworker, Martha.
Pleased to meet you, Brian.
Pleasure's all mine.
So, any advice? Well, there's a script you can go off of, if you want.
Ah, script.
Now you're talking my language.
(CHUCKLES) Writer.
So, watch out, or you might end up in one of my scripts.
"Martha, gorgeous, headstrong, legs as long as spaghetti noodles, enters.
" (PHONE RINGS) Why don't you just take your first call? Suicide hotline.
STEWIE: Hey, I'm a pathetic dog whose family kicked him out, and I want to kill myself.
- Stewie? - Hey, Brian! How's the new job going? All right, here comes the fight.
Get ready to eat it, Drago! (BELL DINGS) RUSSIAN ANNOUNCER: And Balboa is down! Drago wins! (CROWD CHEERING) - What the hell? - Son of a bitch! Those Ruski bastards changed the movie so Drago wins! Yeah! Rocky gets up! Not only does he not get up, he's holding a sign that says, "Workers of the world, unite!" Well, that-that seems like a logical idea, but this aggression will not stand! I'm writing Vladimir Putin an angry e-mail.
"Dear Vladimir" Ho-ho! That's telling him.
"I hope this e-mail finds you well.
" Oh, man, I wish I could see his face.
"I'll get right to the point.
My friends and I were aghast when we saw what you did to the end of Rocky IV.
Everyone knows that any American can beat up any Russian on any day of the week.
Other than that, all is well on this end.
Chris continues to hit the books as best he can, and his grades have shown some improvement.
Stewie is growing like a weed.
And Meg has become a woman in front of our very eyes.
" And send.
I think we lost a little steam there at the end.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Captain America: Civil Union.
All right, Captain America, we have to get ready for the big fight with the other heroes.
- Who do we have on our side? - Well, Hawkeye, we've got you, Scarlet Witch, the Falcon, and, of course, Randy.
- Who's Randy? - You know Randy.
Lives in my guesthouse.
We've been friends since college.
He's my pal.
He's the guy I went to Paris with.
You are such a coward! Randy! (DOORBELL RINGS) Vladimir Putin?! Da.
Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.
Gross! You can Google that during the commercial.
Oh, my God.
President Putin? What-what are you doing here? Husband write me impertinent e-mail.
Says any American can beat up any Russian.
I am here to prove him wrong.
You're gonna beat up my husband? Unless he American chicken.
Did you just call me chicken? Yes.
Chicken.
Fi-cray! Fi-cray! Fi-cray! Sound different in Russia.
Nobody calls me chicken.
Outside, now.
Hi, we're from Publishers Clearing House.
I have a million-dollar check for someone named Chicken.
(GASPS) A conflict! You're going down! - Kick his ass, Peter! - Yeah, kick his ass! Punch his ass, Peter! (GRUNTING) Oh, pretty quick, huh? Well, how about this? (GRUNTS) (GROANING) Here comes the haymaker! (GRUNTING) (STRAINED): You had enough? (GROANING) He gone.
- Peter! - (PHONE VIBRATING) Oh, looks like Putin's phone is buzzing.
- (KEYS CLACKING) - Brian? Oh, hey, Marth a.
- What are you doing here? - I'm always here.
Suicide is not a nine-to-five problem.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah, so I was thinking, maybe we could Netflix and grill.
I think it's "Netflix and chill.
" Oh.
Good, 'cause I don't have a grill.
Hey, do you have Netflix? The credit card numbers I've been guessing keep getting rejected.
Good night, Brian.
Well, nothing says I can't date her up here.
Let's see what kind of Facebook account we got for this Martha.
Uhp, private account.
But sister.
Similar age.
Few parties they went to together.
Ooh, "Grandpa's Funeral.
" Baby look good in black.
That's her mom? Damn.
I can work with this.
You know, this is exactly what Dr.
Fishbein was talking about.
I never go for it.
Martha You're playing hide and seek With love Martha This is what Dr.
Fishbein Was talking about Martha With a little bit of love And a whole lot of sass You know what, Brian, I will (GASPS) Oh, my God! Gross! You scumbag! Dr.
Fishbein predicted it'd be three years of treatment And Martha's only six months in Come on, Marth a.
Martha It's gonna work out.
I'll tell you something, if he were here right now, I'd kick his ass.
Just like hundreds of dead journalists, I'm not afraid of Vladimir Putin.
Hello? Is it me you're looking for? Yes! (WHISTLES "WE'RE IN THE MONEY") Peter, you not coward I thought.
You put up impressive fight.
Thanks, Vladimir.
You know, as someone who doesn't read the paper or listen to the news, you're not such a bad guy.
Well, thank you.
To show there are no hard feelings, anyone want to go to strip club and look at some cat emojis with me? - Hell yeah.
- I'm up for the strip club.
Great.
Who's driving? You know, you're gonna think I'm crazy, but it's such a nice day, I was kind of thinking of taking my shirt off and riding a horse there.
Get out.
That's totally my thing! - (HORNS HONKING) - (ANGRY CLAMORING) Ah, the sun feels good on my drunk chest.
You know what, you're a good guy, Peter.
Friend? How do you say "friend" in Russian? There is no Russian word for it.
Well, you're my friend now.
Funny how this worked out.
Who would have thought, huh? I guess things not always what they seem.
Yeah.
I mean, except for Ronan Farrow, who is clearly Woody Allen's son and absolutely not Frank Sinatra's.
I.
.
You know, I-I'm glad you could make it home for the family dinner, Ronan.
You got it, four eyes.
Wouldn't miss a dinner with my cuckoo dad for the world.
Hey, Anna May Wong, no tickie, no shirtie.
I'm just kidding around, rice bowl.
Geez, lighten up.
This room is tighter than Ava Gardner's caboose.
Us, right? It's like lookin' in a mirror.
Well, Peter, thank you for showing me Quahog.
Ah, it was fun.
I'm gonna miss you, Vladimir.
So come with me back to Russia.
I need friend.
Ah, I'm flattered, but my home is here.
And besides, I can't go to Russia.
I'm scared of Brigitte Nielsen.
She is here with you in your country.
She-she's here now? Is she O All ri Okay, okay, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, wheels up, let's go! Oh, my God, she can smell the tiny bottles of booze.
We got to go! We got to go now! (SCREAMS) Dear Lord, please send me a six-foot-seven blonde woman who likes to drink until she blacks out.
(CRASH) HERBERT: I think we got our prayers crossed.
Welcome to Russia, Peter.
Man, Russia has the hottest and ugliest women in the world.
All tens and ones.
Wow! Whoa.
Wow! Whoa.
- Wow! Whoa.
- Whoa.
Aw, I'm a "whoa.
" I know what'll cheer you up.
We listen to funny morning zoo on radio.
DJ: You're listening to backwards-K-FMB.
I am The Penis, here with Buttocks.
- Hello, Buttocks.
- (FARTING SOUNDS) Ha.
Humor.
Now time for government-approved prank phone call.
(DIALING) (LINE RINGING) MAN: What? DJ: Is your refrigerator running? MAN: Yes.
DJ: You are very fortunate.
I've tried everything, Lou.
I told her I was sorry.
I even sent flowers.
She's gonna report me, and I'm gonna get fired.
Wh-What can I do? Do what I do when people don't pay their rent: plant drugs and call the cops.
I don't know, I-I may be broke, but that seems like a crappy thing to do to somebody.
Well, then you're evicted.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
But where am I gonna get drugs? Walk me to my car.
My trunk is full of coke.
Brian Griffin? Your life's about to change.
Brian Griffin? We're not having a lot of luck today.
So, what do you do for fun around here? - You got DirecTV? - We have Time Warner.
- You got HBO? - We have Starz.
- You got ESPN? - We have Fox Sports 1.
- Does that come in HD? - 420P.
You got Everything you say, I say something little bit worse.
- You got Simpsons? - We have Family Guy.
Ah, I did it to myself.
Well, just shoot her first.
It's not called "suicide-murder," it's called "murder-suicide.
" Brian, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, sure.
- I wanted to tell you, I thought a lot about what happened, and I guess In your own weird way you were complimenting me.
Um, w w-what? I just wanted to let you know I'm not going to tell anyone about what happened, and maybe we could get that drink tomorrow.
Tell 'em you have no idea how your hair strands got in that baggie.
Hello, Officer! - Is this your desk, ma'am? - Yeah.
Why, Officer? Found it.
- What is that? - Like you don't know.
Cocaine.
Glorious cocaine.
Best thing ever.
You're gonna have to come with us.
And, Jeff, you might want to call your sponsor.
You did this, didn't you? I knew you were a little twerp as soon as I met you.
He did this! He planted that! Martha, I'm so sorr You bastard! (GRUNTING) Aah! My leg is broken! Only thing I can possibly do is lick it repeatedly.
There we go.
That's fixing it.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) Please pass the aspic.
I'll have the aspic.
I, too, will have the aspic.
(SOUTHERN ACCENT): Could you please pass the beef jelly? (DISHES CRASH) Huh? See? Now aren't you glad we did all that work earlier? Peter, come.
Over here is where we rig every American election.
Eh.
Also, American football.
What?! No! Is true.
Meet my best friend, Roger Goodell.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell? You're a Russian spy? I don't know, Peter.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT): Why don't you tell me? Today we decide which New England Patriot to suspend, eh? Da.
Tom Brady or Tom Brady? (BOTH LAUGH) You leave that gorgeous piece of ass alone.
I was right about you from the start, Putin.
You can't just do whatever you want in the world and get away with it.
It's time someone stood up to you.
And survived.
(CROWD CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemens, tonight we are here to see the fight to determine East/West superiority.
Fighting for Russia, President Vladimir Putin! (CROWD CHEERING) Fighting for America, Kevin James! Everybody here thinks I'm Kevin James.
- (BELL DINGS) - (BELL DINGS) (GROANS) CROWD (CHANTING): Kevin James! Kevin James! - Kevin James! - ANNOUNCER: I can't believe it, but it sounds like the audience is starting to cheer for the American! - Kevin James! Kevin James! - (BELL DINGS) LOIS: Enough! Lois? What are you doing here? I'm not really here, Peter.
You've been hit several times in the head and sustained severe brain trauma.
She's right.
This has gone too far.
There are other ways to settle our differences.
Say you.
Yes.
Say me.
("SAY YOU, SAY ME" BY LIONEL RICHIE PLAYING) Say you, say me Say it for always That's the way it should be So you think you know the answers PETER: Vlad and I finished our dance, then spent the rest of the night talking.
The next day, he poisoned me on the limo ride to the airport with radioactive tea.
Believing who you are You are a shining star PETER: I lost half my body weight, all my hair, and I have lesions that'll never heal.
That's our president's best friend.
Say you, say me.