Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s16e09 Episode Script

KNOCKING Oh, no! I swear to you, Pearl, I am not hiding Howard.
I know that! He's still in bed with a sore head.
You must all have enjoyed your trip to the seaside! Well, it was just a trip.
That's not what I've heard! Howard found a crab.
I thought he left her at home(!) You'd better come in.
You don't want the scandal shouted.
What scandal? Don't come the innocent with me.
I hear you all got thrown out of a pub.
Have you asked Howard about it? He's still got a hangover.
It wasn't Howard that got us thrown out.
We weren't really thrown out of the pub.
It was more like we were thrown out of the kiddies' playground What were YOU doing in a playground? It was Compo.
He fell in love with the trampoline.
Get away, you barmpot! Hang about! I got thee some rock.
I'll get it to thee once I get the hang of this home-made trampoline.
CRASHING Rock?! You want tying to a rock! You're not fit to be loose.
Only two of you? Doesn't seem natural.
You look like something with a wheel come off.
Where is he? The chances are he's not up yet.
He wore himself out on a trampoline.
Well, did you enjoy your trip to the seaside? Don't talk to me about the seaside.
I was so ashamed.
We were thrown out of a pub.
Oh! Surprise! Surprise! It was mistaken identity.
Somebody thought he was still eight years old.
He was playing in a kiddies' playground! Guess who THAT was? I'll give you a clue.
He didn't have reliable enough trousers for it.
It made you shudder at every twang.
I knew he didn't like getting out of bed, but I never thought he'd bring it with him! I knew it.
Still in bed at this time of day.
I bet there's nothing worse than the bite of a single bed.
Will you stop giggling and get it off? How did you get like THAT? I were using it for a trampoline! It's amazing what you can do without a brain! Why were you using a trampoline? I wanted to get up to Nora Batty's windowto give her some rock.
Oh, but of course! Why didn't I think of that? Butshould you be feeding Nora Batty on rock? Don't you think she's hard enough? You're well and truly fast.
I know that, you daft bat! Even I could have worked that out.
Now, get me out of here! RIPPING Get off! That hurts.
Don't open those trousers up any morenot outside a catering establishment! You'll have to go to hospital and have your bed removed.
Will it hurt? Oh, Wesley'll get him free.
We just want a pair of cutters.
Come along.
It's a simple operation.
That's what they said when I had to give a pill to the cat.
HORN BLASTS Hold tha' water! It's not a racing bed! Will you get a move on? This is very embarrassing.
Embarrassing?! It's damn painful, I tell thee that.
I've got springs sticking everywhere.
When Compo comes, can spring be far behind? Just be thankful it's not your behind! Come along, that man.
I've never seen such a slow walker in a bed.
It's no good! I can't take another step.
Well, you can't stay HERE.
Well, tha'll have to carry me.
A likely story! Well, tha can't leave me here like this! It looks like we're gonna try.
And he's the one that always wants to get me out of bed of a morning.
That's been badly vandalised, whatever it is.
Some people round here need glasses! What kept you? Well, we couldn't let you stop in bed ALL day.
You take the front.
I'll take the back.
We'll carry him.
.
.
Right, lift.
O-oh! O-oh! Well, what's wrong now? What's wrong?! Yeah.
Tha carries on like that, tha'll alter my entire geography.
Did we trap something? Something? Tha nearly trapped everything! Well, there must be a way.
What's the matter? Have you never seen a bloke in bed before? I hope you've finished trampolining.
I haven't.
Tha must be joking! This is just a temporarily setback.
I want a better trampoline.
I thought you wanted Nora Batty, I thought THAT was number one? Right! Nora Batty, and a trampoline.
That is the weirdest combination of ambitions! Look, when I get out of this, I'm gonna find me a better tambourine, I mean trampoline.
Come on, lass.
Don't be shy.
You're in good hands.
Let's have a bit of co-operation here.
I don't want you sulking because of how you've been treated by your former owners.
I want to hear some noises of appreciation coming from down there.
Ah, Wesley! Just the man.
ENGINE GROANS Wrong! Whatever it is, no! I'm busy.
You can't fight your destiny, Wesley.
We've tried.
I'm busy.
I've got a cruelty case here.
I've just started getting its confidence.
Now, we wouldn't disturb you unless it was an emergency.
Yes, you would.
Yes, we would.
But this really IS an emergency.
We've got a chap stuck in a bed.
Who? Compo.
Well, if anybody's a natural for being fast in a bed, it's him.
He just wants cutting free, that's all, if you've a pair of clippers.
How did he come to be fast in a bed? He was using it as a trampoline.
Trying to reach Nora Batty's window.
You have to come to the conclusion that some people deserve to be fast in beds.
You'll feel sorry for him when you see him, Wesley.
It must be agony.
Well, where is he? He's right here Help! He-e-e-lp! A-a-h! A-a-ah! Have youhave you seen? GET ME OUT OF HERE! Have no fear! Foggy's here.
Get me out of here! Just relax.
We'll get you out.
I've brought Wesley with his cutters.
Be quick about it! Stop complaining! We'll have you free soon.
I never thought I'd hear him complaining about being in bed.
Just get him out.
How are you doing then? How do you think I'm doing? GET ME OUT OF HERE! We're getting you out.
A couple more clips and you'll be free.
Howhow does it feel to be free? ANGRY MUFFLED SHOUTS There's gratitude for you.
There, do you feel better now? It'll take more than one pint of beer to make ME feel better.
Nobody asked you to fall down the sewer.
You didn't even wave.
Well, fancy cutting a bloke free when he's dangling over a sewer! First he wants to be free, now he doesn't want to be free.
Me whole life were flashing before me! That must have been some flash! It were right wet! Good job you had your wellies on.
They weren't on where I landed! MAN SNIFFS LOUDLY You're gonna have to do something.
It'll wear off.
About November(!) I'm in no hurry.
I can't smell it.
Well, everybody else can.
OFF! Two teas, please.
Hang on.
Why don't you have a bath? I've got to work myself up for a bath.
I can't have them suddenly coming out of thin air.
Thin air! You call this thin air? Where've they all gone? WHY have they all gone? Yeah, well, I blame the pace of modern life myself.
Everybody dashing here, there and everywhere.
Cor! We're gonna have to do something with you.
You are very environmentally unfriendly.
Couldn't we get him dry-cleaned? That sounds all right.
It's the wet bits what get me down.
I wouldn't mind being dry-cleaned.
Right.
SHOP! Good morning, madam.
This, ergentleman would like to avail himself of your one-hour service.
This could be a challenge.
How many garments would that be? Er, well, the jacket, trousers, er, sweater, shirt That's far enough! Don't get carried away.
Well, that should be enough.
Get your jacket off.
I'll wait outside.
YOU will stay here and suffer with us.
Oh, so that's what friends are for! THIS.
What are we supposed to do with this? Just do the best you can.
WAIT! I've got valuables in them pockets.
Ho-ho-ho! I'd forgotten her.
Hee-hee! It'sIt's like an Aladdin's cave! Don't you worry about getting lost in there? Tha never knows when one of these might come in handy.
Have you finished? What's the hurry? We've got an hour, haven't we? What on earth is THIS? THAT is my lucky rabbit's foot.
If I were you, I'd apply for a refund(!) Righto, missy.
Tha can have it now.
What's he doing NOW? Well, tha can't clean 'em if I'm wearing 'em, can tha? STOP! Don't move till I fetch the manager.
Come along, that man.
It's all right for thee.
How do you think I feel? Rejected for dry-cleaning.
A bloke of my age, who fought for his country.
Well, it's nothing personal.
The man said they daren't take the risk in case your trousers fell apart.
I've been risking that for years.
If you keep 'em much longer, they'll qualify as an historic ruin.
We hope that they don't show people round every Sunday.
If they can stand up to Nora Batty, they can stand up to dry-cleaning.
Yeah, very well.
We'll just have to think of our own method of dry-cleaning.
WHAT? We shall be in the cab.
Where will I be? YOU will be standing up in the back.
Ah, the fun bit.
I see! You in the cab nice and warm, with me in the back being blown to death.
That's the idea.
Blow the cobwebs away.
A drive in the fresh air'll get rid of some of that PERFUME.
He's not coming in the cab, I'll tell you that much.
I better do it for Nora Batty.
She's got no mercy for anything that comes out of a drain.
And go steady! Don't drive like a lunatic.
There's nothing to hold.
A-argh! A-argh! TYRES SCREECH Who? .
.
You came in yesterday? I can't remember everybody that comes in, especially when they've got a complaint.
.
.
Never mind how tall you are.
How did you pay? What did you keep your money in? A brown pigskin wallet.
Ah, I've got you now.
I never forget a wallet.
You bought a quarter-size snooker table.
Game of skill for all the family.
.
.
It's what? It's not level? Balls don't run straight? Well, I told you, a game of skill.
.
.
Oh, well, if you're going to be finicky.
Can't you straighten it out? Iron it, or something.
.
.
Oh, you've seen them ironing snooker tables.
.
.
You want your money back? You think you're going to come down here and get your money back? Well, I warn you, here and now, that's an even greater game of skill.
It was level when it left here.
You must have bent it on the way home! .
.
All right.
All right.
Don't go to pieces.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll try and re-sell it for you, that way you can get your money back, minus, of course, a small commission.
Tut-tut-tut! But he exaggerates.
You know he always exaggerates.
I don't know.
I'd be frozen if I'd been on the back of an open truck.
He overdoes it.
I don't think he should be blue.
Was he always blue? What's up with him? He CLAIMS to be frozen.
You'd better stick him by the fire.
Right, here you are.
Ye gods, he IS frozen! A-a-h! Er O-oh! A-ah! At least the air's a bit fresher.
He's more suitable for family viewing.
Take him anywhere.
There are times when I wish someone would(!) A-ah! O-oh! O-oh! Ah! Oh-oh! I've got the hot aches.
Oh! Stop making an exhibition of yourself! They've no licence for dancing(!) I'll tell you something else, it didn't work, not now he's thawing.
What? SNIFFING Oh, God, no! Phew! Oh! Oh, well, back to the draining board! Fancy being thrown out of a playground.
That's where that lot belong! You know what they're like on these all-male trips.
Coaches full of men should fly the skull and crossbones.
I don't know what they get up to.
My Barry came home merry.
Did you check it WAS your Barry? I've never seen Barry merry.
He had this strange look, and his glasses at all angles, looking like he was peering through his ears.
Drink! They always overdo the drink.
Amongst other things! What annoys me about these trips is - it's the one day Wesley willingly puts on a suit, then he gets on a bus and I don't see him all day! You see him when he gets home.
By then, his suit looks as bad as his overalls! They have this real gift for looking untidy.
Front and back.
Even my Barry had his collar undone.
You don't often see him with his collar undone.
He looked quitecontinental.
Drink your coffee.
God, if that doesn't do it, I don't know what will.
Don't forget tha promise, that if I went through this car wash, Wesley would build me a trampoline.
He will.
He'll build you a trampoline.
He must be an idiot.
Oh, you've noticed that.
But he does it so well.
It was very nice of you to buy me a present.
You don't like it, do you? I knew it! I do like it, love.
It's nice.
It'sdifferent.
It's superb quality.
It's not what I went in for, but Auntie Wainwright says it's superb quality.
She's never had one like it.
Me neither.
Oh! Look at the time.
I'll have to be going.
We always seem to be parting, Howard.
I know.
TWANGING O-oh! A-ah! Help! Oh, my goodness! Get me down! Get me down!