Family Guy s16e10 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Peter, come on, time to get dressed for our Valentine's Day dinner.
We don't want to be late for our reservation.
Reservation? Yeah.
I decided we're going someplace nice this time.
Not like last year when we went to the Outback Steakhouse, but it's "out" as in the gay way.
We'll get to the specials, but first, I need to tell you I'm gay.
The hell you are! No waiter of mine is gonna be gay! Peter, please.
He's our waiter.
He's the only waiter we have.
Lois, our waiter is dead to us.
We have to focus all our attention on our hostess now.
He-he just needs a little time.
(WEAKLY): Scott I'm finally ready to hear the specials.
Well, happy Valentine's Day, Lois.
Let's have a dying marriage side-face kiss.
Mwah.
Well, I better set out a can of tuna fish and a cigar for Arthur Valentine.
I can't wait to see what he brings me.
Uh, you want to tell us what the holy hell that was? (SIGHS) I'm afraid it's something we made up that we finally need to deal with.
You see, years ago, when Chris was in preschool (CRYING) Peter, poor Chris didn't get a single valentine today from any of his classmates.
What? Why not? Apparently, he's not well liked.
Some of the kids think he's weird because he takes his shirt off to pee.
Yeah, I taught him that.
That's also called "peeing.
" Pee? Pee now? No.
No, Chris.
(CRYING): Why no valentines? Hey, hey, hey, stop crying, Chris.
Y-You're gonna Y-You're gonna get tons of valentines.
I am? From who? Um, from Arthur Valentine.
R-Really? Yeah, yeah, that's right! Who's Arthur Valentine? Only the most magical man ever.
And he comes every Valentine's Day on-on a-a a purple Vespa to, um to bring candy and sweet notes to children who've managed to not use any swears in the last year.
He does? Uh-huh, and he has a long beard Oh, and-and he's got an eye patch.
B-But not for medical reasons, he just likes the look.
Plus, he-he wears a Cat in the Hat hat and sometimes a scarf, no matter what Lois says because it gives him a youthful vibe and adds some color to his face.
We were just trying to cheer Chris up.
I assumed he'd outgrow it in a few years, but, Peter, it's time we have a talk with Chris.
We've got to put an end to this Arthur Valentine nonsense.
(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well, I best be going anyway.
Donna and I are spending our Valentine's Day in Johnnie Cochran pajamas, just caressing each other in a very beige bedroom.
Yeah, and hopefully Bonnie and I'll do a sexy bath night like last year.
It was amazing.
She laid out a trail of rose petals, and I elbow-crawled to the sponge and shower chair.
I go down to the video store and put my hand on Love Actually at the same time as a woman, and I go, (LAUGHING): "Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!" What about you, Brian? What are your plans for Valentine's Day? What? Oh, uh, no real plans, I guess.
Ha! Looks like Brian's the only guy with nothing going on.
Hey, you can come over to my house, Brian.
I thought you had that whole thing with Bonnie.
I do, but she needs help lifting me into the shower chair.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story, today the Quahog River was dyed red in honor of Valentine's Day.
So if you're looking to do a river murder, this could be your window.
(SLURRING): Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.
Oh, hey, Bri.
How's your night going? I hope Rupert and I haven't been too loud up there.
- Happy Valentine's Day! - (CLANKING LOUDLY) Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night.
Just leave me alone, Stewie.
Well, Brian, if you're stuck being a single loser, you might as well just embrace it.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
(GRUNTS) Wait a minute.
What am I thinking? Chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
I better stop or - (POT CLANKING LOUDLY) - STEWIE: Happy Valentine's Day! CLEVELAND: Stop the damn banging! People are trying to have dignified relations! Oh, boy, look! Arthur Valentine brought me plates and a salt shaker! Chris, Chris, settle down.
I-It's actually time your father and I had a talk with you about Arthur Valentine.
Yeah, that's, uh, that's right.
Um, son I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real.
What? Not real? (CHUCKLES) Then who leaves those notes with all the misspellings? Well, first, Chris, English is a very fluid language.
We're sorry, but you're old enough now to know the truth.
He he doesn't exist.
(GASPS) No! You're both lying! (SIGHS) What are we gonna do? It seems like there's no getting through to him.
You know, if Chris is this hard to convince, we may just have to kill Arthur Valentine.
What? What do you mean? Maybe we make Chris believe that Arthur Valentine is dead.
Huh.
Well, we just might have to.
Hey, what's the matter, Brian? Have you fallen and can't get up? Turns out, still using that joke is a felony.
Guess I better not drop the soap.
That one's the death penalty.
You were very lucky.
We managed to pump your stomach just in time.
Oh, thank God.
I had him pump my stomach, too.
Doc, what was in there? Well, it's a pretty extensive list.
I'm gonna need Billy Joel to help me out.
Lots of Legos, rubber bands, web-shooting Spider-Man An old pet rock, an antique clock, a ton of red Play-Doh Colored pencils, lots of nickels Half a jar of Vlasic Pickles Banjo strings, chicken wings, Cassingle by Skee-Lo I didn't poop those items They were in my tummy 'cause they all looked yummy He didn't poop those items He tried to eat 'em, so you shouldn't feed him.
(SONG ENDS) Wow, that was great, Billy! Hey, does anyone call you Bill Joel or William Joel? Uh, no.
Does anyone call you Petey Griffin? No, they don't, because I'm an adult, which is kind of what I was getting at.
Ugh.
Who sends a Christmas card to their vet? I know.
It's so lame, right? And did you see the lady outside with the empty cat carrier? Ugh.
Cry much? Yeah.
Yeah, I bet she actually thinks that thing loved her.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, I'm Brian.
Shake.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Ellie.
What are you in for? Uh, I got this small cut, and they wanted to bandage it so I'd stop chewing the crap out of my foot.
Aw, that sucks.
I love chewing the crap out of my foot.
I know, it's the best.
But while I was here, I also had to get (DOG BARKING NEARBY) (BOTH BARKING) a prescription filled.
Listen, I got to go.
You want to continue this sometime? Let me give you my number.
It's on the back of here.
- It's this.
- Got it.
See you around, Brian.
Definitely.
Bye, Ellie.
(GERMAN ACCENT): Is this the Veteran Aryan's office? No, this is the veterinarian's.
I think you want the Veteran Aryan's Center next door.
Ah, I see the confusion.
This must happen all the time.
We're ready for the German shepherd.
(GERMAN ACCENT): Ja, that would be me.
This is a very confusing lobby.
(CHUCKLING) Hey.
Hey.
You think you could be with me? Right here? In this place? Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry.
Sorry, Stewie.
It's-it's just I met someone amazing the other day at the vet's office, and Well, she's actually a dog.
And it's so great dating someone who understands why it's especially important to walk around in a circle many, many times before lying down.
So, that's who you were texting with? Sort of.
I-I was just rereading some of the texts I already sent her.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
You're rereading your own texts? Yeah, do you, do you not do that? Nobody does that.
Golden Eagle to Red Shrew.
Ready for the plan? Come in, Red Shrew.
LOIS (OVER WALKIE): Peter, we did not decide on those names.
Chris, come down here, quick! I see Arthur Valentine outside! I think he's come to say hi! Really?! Yeah, look.
Oh, my God.
Hi, Arthur! I love you so much, and I haven't cussed once today! Dad, get the bowl of tuna from under my bed! (SCREAMS) Arthur! Oh, my God, he's dead.
He's dead! (SOBBING LOUDLY) Mission accomplished, Red Shrew.
Over and out.
Huh.
That looks tasty.
Little walkie-talkie piece.
God, I forgot how much I love art.
Hey, who's your favorite artist? Me? Uh (STAMMERS) You know, I really like, uh, that Jackson "Polack.
" You know, I-I know they're not supposed to be that bright, but that was, that was pretty genius, you know? I mean, leave it, leave it to a Polack to just grab the paint with his hands and just start chucking it everywhere.
I mean, it's great.
It's pronounced "Pollock.
" (CHUCKLES) But, Brian, you don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me.
I already really like you.
You do? Thanks.
I-I really like you, too, Ellie.
Truth is, I haven't felt this way with anyone in a long time.
Listen, I'm really sorry to cut things short, but I've got to go; I have rehearsal.
- Oh, what, for a play? - No.
It's kind of dumb, but it's for a dog show.
Oh, you're a show dog? No wonder you have such a perfectly coiffed anus.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
It's perfect.
I mean, I God, I-I bet every time you go snaffling on it, you have to stop and admire it.
Come on, now, Brian.
A lady has to have a few secrets.
Man, she is something else.
This must be how Ronald Reagan felt about Nancy.
Nancy, will you make me the happiest man in the world by turning a blind eye to the AIDS crisis and ineffectually trying to warn young people about drugs? Yes! Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes! SINGERS: If you're too young Those are both things she did! Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.
The shock of seeing Arthur Valentine die seems to have really gotten to him.
I-I've never seen him so depressed and catatonic.
Well, you know, in Awakenings, Robin Williams tossed a baseball to Robert De Niro, and he snapped out of it and caught it.
M-Maybe we do that.
Chris, you doing okay? It's Mom and Dad.
We thought we'd Awakenings! Peter, I'm not sure that's Awakenings! You're gonna hurt him if you Awakenings! Peter, knock it off.
I never thought Chris would take things so hard.
I think we went too far by killing Arthur Valentine.
We have to bring him back to life.
What? Are you serious? It's the only thing that'll snap him out of it.
Well, maybe, but what if I try it with a basketball? Awakenings! Oh, God, that broke his nose.
He didn't even flinch.
It's bad.
Let's do your thing.
Let's-let's twirl some toilet paper up into his nose, and-and then when we'll-we'll do your thing.
Wow, thanks again.
What a nice dinner.
I'm so lucky to have met you, Brian.
You're such an amazing guy.
I'd say we're both lucky.
Oh, no, no, no, wait! (SIGHS) Don't-don't do that.
What-what? What's the matter? Oh, brutal.
Yeah, that's gonna be a terrible car ride, man.
I would hate to be you, and I'm me.
I'm really sorry, Brian.
It's not that I don't want to kiss you.
I smell the poop on your breath, and then that's all I want, but my owners made an arrangement with the organizers of the next dog show.
They paid a lot of money to schedule me to breed with whichever male dog wins the competition.
What, like like breed breed? I know it might seem odd to you, but this happens in the dog show world.
I have to have sex with whichever male dog wins, whoever that ends up being.
Stewie, we're entering a dog show! - Where's Stewie? - STEWIE (MUFFLED): He ate me! - I ate him.
- He ate Stewie, holy crap Family Guy will be right back! All right Brian, now if we're going to get you ready to compete in that dog show, we've got a lot of training to cover.
Let's begin by doing some work with the clicker.
- (CLICKER CLICKS) - Oh, yeah, I've seen these.
You click it when you want me to do a trick, and then I get a treat, so I associate the two.
No.
I use it to punctuate my jokes.
Now, Brian you've got to roll over and be good on all fours.
If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you.
- (CLICKER CLICKS) - Okay.
(CHUCKLES) But maybe we should just focus on getting ready for the show.
Well, look who wants to be prepared.
- You're a regular Beagle Scout.
- (CLICKER CLICKS) Wait, shouldn't I be the one who clicks if I like the joke? You can't just click after everything you say.
If it's funny, I can.
And so far, they've all landed.
Unlike the planes on 9/11.
See? No click.
That one was in poor taste.
Not funny.
You know, I was supposed to be on one of those planes.
Yeah, me, too.
Um, yes.
Brian Griffin.
ELLIE: Brian? What are you doing here? (CHUCKLES): Oh, hey! Uh, you know, I You-you just made dog shows sound so fun the other day, I-I thought I'd give it a try.
Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog.
And on top of you.
(CHUCKLES) - (CLICKER CLICKS) - Thanks, Stewie.
Brian, most of these dogs have been training since birth.
Are you sure you're ready for this? You bet I am.
I've never been so prepared.
I'm a regular Beagle Scout.
(BOTH LAUGHING) That's hilarious.
Good luck, Brian.
(LAUGHS) Chris, you got to snap out of this.
I mean, I've been where you're at.
(QUIETLY): Listen, I've never told anyone this, but I killed a jaywalker in 2002.
She looked old, but she was only 51.
I mean, back then, that was old to me.
It's why I always talk and ask questions so much.
When there's any moment of quiet, I think about her.
That's why all mothers do that.
Every mother has killed someone.
Now drink your ginger ale.
Hey, hey, hey! It's Arthur Valentine, here to accelerate awkwardly into a bush.
Damn it! Arthur Valentine? Chris! You're okay! But I saw him die.
That can only mean one thing.
He must be a zombie! What? No! No, no.
What?! (YELLING) (SCREAMS) Stop! What the hell are you doing?! (SCREAMS) I've seen The Walking Dead! I have to destroy your brain and then talk about it for the next hour! - Chris, take it easy! - Get off of him! - You're gonna kill me! - It's not what you think! Dad? But I don't I How did I'm not Arthur Valentine, son.
We're so sorry, Chris.
Now do you understand? There is no Arthur Valentine? We never meant to hurt you, buddy.
JOE: Valentine's Day would take on new meaning for Chris in the years to come, but he would remember none so bittersweetly as this one.
This is Joe Swanson, signing off.
BONNIE: Joe, your mom died.
Seriously? How you doing? You feeling good? Because this thing is gonna come down to the arbitrary whims of whatever elderly volunteers were able to get transportation here on a Tuesday.
Yeah, I Hey, watch it! The hell's his problem? Careful.
That's your competition.
His name's Max.
He's a four-time winner and kind of a crowd favorite.
(APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: Okay, who wants to start the dog show? - Who wants to start it? - (DOGS BARKING) Yes, you all want to start the dog show, don't you? Don't you? (VOCALIZING IN BABY VOICE) (APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: That'll do it for the males.
And as our judges tabulate the results, we can now announce our female division.
The winning bitch, for the tenth year in a row, is Katherine Heigl! - (CLICKER CLICKS) - Thank you, thank you.
No, but for real, it's that dog Ellie over there.
(APPLAUSE) And our winner in the male division is Brian Griffin! - (APPLAUSE) - Yes! Man, thank you for all your help, Stewie.
I really couldn't have done it What the What's going on? (DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE) This-this is it? It's happening right here? Right now? Uh-huh.
They have to certify the union, Brian.
Stud is ready to mount.
Please turn up the lights.
What? No! No, the opposite! In fact, could someone maybe turn on some-some Drake or The Weekend? Ha! He's blowing it! He can't do it! Quagmire?! What are you doing here? Oh, I have an all-access pass to anything in this town that's sex-related.
Offering manual assistance.
Commencing union.
Okay, okay, thanks, man, but, yeah, no, I-I got this, I got this.
If-if you just-just give me a second to get, like, a scenario in my head.
Uh, maybe a hot babysitter who needs to pay for college - so she, uh - (DOGS BARKING) Can somebody please shut those dogs up?! This specimen is unable to perform.
Please bring in the boxer.
ELLIE (GRUNTING): I'm sorry, Brian, but this is what I was trying to tell you.
I'm sorry, too, but I see now that you were right.
I'm just not sure how this could work or-or how our relationship could fit into your world.
QUAGMIRE: Hey, less talk! I guess this is good-bye.
ELLIE: I guess it is.
I'll always remember you, Brian.
And I'll always remember you, Ellie.
(GRUNTING): I promise to name one of the puppies after you.
Let's just cross our fingers (PANTING) it's not one of the ones he eats.
Thanks.
That means a lot Okay, we're at the part where he bites down on the back of my neck, so we should probably wrap this up.
Yup.
Whoa! Max's grandfather may have been a horse.
Come on, let's just go home.
Okay.
Is this the romantic ending you were hoping for? Look, that was a tricky situation, all right? The lights, the people watching.
If-if it hadn't been for all that, I trust me, I-I would've, I would've set her world on fire.
No way.
You didn't even start the fire.
Oh, no.
Nancy Reagan, preschool Chris Sey valet, young Lois German guy, lots of dogs Arthur Valentine We didn't write an ending So we're all together, trying to make it better They didn't write an ending But what the heck? I'll still take the check The check, the check.
(SONG ENDS) Mom killed a jaywalker.