South Park s16e14 Episode Script

Okay Mister Thompson, voting line is right over there.
- Next, please.
- Mom? Mommy? Where's my mommy? Oh dear, did you lose your mother, little boy? - Mom! - Security! - Huh? - This little boy lost his mom! She said to wait for her by the plastic boxes if I got lost! It's alright come on.
Mom, where's my mom? Oh dear, did you lose your mommy, little boy? Would you like some warm nuts, sir? Ha ha haa! Warm nuts she says! Mom! I lost my mom! Warm nuts, sir? Warm nuts? No way, dude.
No way.
Mom! I can't find my mom! - You like warm nuts, sir? - Ahah! Okay, okay, it's getting old.
Mom! Mom! The people have spoken and the President of the United States is once again, Barack Obama.
I assure you all that I am heading back to the White House more motivated, more titillated than ever.
Don't be sad, ike.
Just be happy that you live in a country where people get to elect a president at all.
- Hello? - Hey, Kyle, what's up? Nothing, watching the election results.
Yeah, I figured.
It's the day after the election so you're probably sitting on the couch telling your little brother how great it is to live in a Democratic society.
Listen, Kyle, could you come over for a second.
I've got something I need to show you.
- What? - Please, Kyle.
It's kind of important.
Alright, what is this all about, Fat Ass? You happy with the election results last night, Kyle? It doesn't matter if I am or not.
People voted and I stand behind the President.
Oh, it's such a Democratic thing to say, Kyle.
What if I were to tell you that I have something in my room that could change the entire election? - Sure you do.
- What if I did, Kyle? What could you possibly have in your room that could change the outcome of the election? Pretty sweet, huh? What the hell is this? What's it look like? Hundreds of thousands of votes from all the swing states.
I don't believe it.
No, really, there are states full of swingers.
Bunch of perverts if you ask me.
Why do you have these? Funny how voting works in this country, isn't it, Kyle.
Each one of these a person someone who took the time to get themselves informed, actually got up and drove to a voting area to make sure their voice was heard.
Dude! Here's another patriotic American.
He probably spent hours listening to all those presidential ads and tuned in to every debate.
Knock it off, Cartman! Now believe it or not, Kyle.
I actually need your help.
But first, you have to promise not to tell anyone.
You're not getting away with this, you fat turd!! Run now, little firefly.
It's all part of the plan.
Sweetie, there's a Mr.
Pun Lee Tsao on the phone for you.
Thanks Mom.
I'll take that in the study.
Do I have a study? I don't think I have a study.
That's fine.
Mr.
President.
Yes.
Line two from China for you, sir.
It's General Tsao.
Yes, hello, General.
We presume you are pleased with the election results? Very pleased.
Thank you for your help.
And you, no doubt, will now begin filling your side of the bargain.
You'll have what you want.
I'll meet you in three hours.
Sir, the election may have gone the way they said, but we can't possibly give the Chinese what you promised.
I don't know how they did it but the Chinese secured my victory.
I have to fulfill my obligation.
And what if General Tsao suddenly gets the courage to go to the press with all this? Don't worry.
Everyone knows General Tsao's chicken.
Eric Cartman? We have a report you might be involved in voter fraud.
Mmm, no.
You mind if we search your room? I'm sorry, but I know my rights.
You can't search my room without a warrant, and I'm afraid I can't give you permission.
This isn't a joke, Cartman! You have to believe me, Officer, the outcome of the election depends on it.
Let's just see.
Hey! You can't do that! Upstairs! First door on the left! I know my rights! Stop right now! But they were here.
I swear it! Stacks and stacks of ballots from states all over the country! I was always told that we lived in a country based on freedom.
That the one thing that made America different was that the government could never barge into our lives unwarranted.
But it's all changing, isn't it? Ever since Obama was first elected, it's all changing.
Oh my God, what have we done? I guess this country is changing.
We're sorry, little boy.
We're so sorry.
Please, you've got to believe me! They've still got to be here somewhere! We have to find them! But where could they be? Where? And why would I care so much about the election results? So many questions, Kyle.
So little time.
Guys! You guys! Listen, Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere! He's changed the outcome of the election! Wow, really.
That's pretty impressive.
Come on you guys, he's hid them somewhere we have to find them.
But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter! I don't understand that stuff at all.
I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
God dammit, this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election! Well, maybe Cartman had a good reason.
Butters, you know something, don't you? Huh? Uh, no! Why? - What did Cartman tell you?! - He didn't tell me nothing! And I swore to secrecy! It's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think.
- Don't make me say any more.
- Tell us what you know, right now.
I can't, don't you see? Don't make me swallow this! I'll do it! - Is that an M&M? - It's an almond M&M! I'm very allergic to almonds! Please! Just leave me alone! Then you have to tell us.
Well huh Oh, shit! Don't let him swallow it! - Pry his mouth open! - He ate it! Butters, where are the ballots going? Where are they going? I I I hate almonds.
- More melted butter, sir? - Mmm, mmm.
Little boy, the President is on his way to pick up the ballots.
Where are they? They're nearby.
Very safe and sound.
I just might want to alter our deal a lite bit.
Alter our the President will be here in moments with what we want! Yeah, tell me again exactly what you plan on doing with it.
Oh my God, it's the President! - The President! - Congratulations, sir! Thank you, thank you all for your votes of confidence.
If I could just be a little rude and ask to have a nice quiet meal in private? Oh, of course! Come on, let's let the President have some peace and quiet! Wow, the President eats at Red Lobster! He's just a normal guy like me! Come on, guys! President says get out! I didn't actually vote for him.
Huh.
Alright.
Where are the ballots? Your friend has had a severe allergic reaction.
Can we please just try and talk to him? Alright, but don't take too long.
Butters, you have to tell us what Cartman is up to.
I didn't want to have to do this, but if you don't tell us, I'm gonna tell your dad you helped get the wrong person elected president.
No! Please, you can't! Then just tell me what Cartman is up to! Okay! Okay! (he burbles something incomprehensible) What'd he say? (incomprehensible) Oh.
What do you mean the election isn't the biggest thing that happened this week? (incomprehensible) What? (incomprehensible) You mean the missile defense program? Butters, where is Cartman supposed to hand over the ballots? At Red Lobster.
At Red Lobster.
Where? Red Lobster.
- Huh? - He said, at r-r-red Red Lobster! - Red Lobster! - What? R-r-r-red, r-r-r-red Red Lobster! Red Lobster! Oh, Red Lobster.
General Tsao, do you have the missing ballots or not? Sure, we have the ballots.
But we don't have them right here with us now.
Okay, you want me to come in again, we can start over.
What the fuck is this? Alright! Where are the missing ballots?! President Obama? Oh, God dammit, Kyle, I was just about to get what I wanted! Mr.
President, we got you re-elected.
Now you will give us the Star Wars technology so that we can make the sequels! I told you China would get the rights to Star Wars from Disney as long as my presidency was secure.
Until I have those ballots it is not secure.
Wait a minute.
The rights to "Star Wars," the movies? What the hell is going on here? What's going on is the sale of America's greatest asset.
You see, when the United States created Star Wars it made this country incredibly powerful.
Morgan Freeman? Earlier this week, Lucas signed the rights to Star Wars over to Disney, and the Chinese saw a way to obtain it for themselves.
The Chinese government knew that President Obama would help them take the rights from Disney if they helped him get re-elected.
Oh.
But the child who actually stole the ballots has hidden them and won't give them to anyone until his demands are met.
You've all got quite a mess on your hands.
I wish you well with it.
Just one thing Morgan Freeman.
How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up? Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle.
So here's the deal, General Tsao.
Mr.
President.
When the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son.
Cartman Skywalker.
That was not the deal! We will not be bullied by you! Well, then I guess we're about to play a game of chicken, General Tsao.
I get it.
General Tsao's ch-chi-chicken.
You are absolutely sure about this? It's been confirmed, Mike.
My God, we may have won this thing.
Sir? Sir, we have some incredible news.
There are rumors of hundreds of thousands of stolen ballots.
You might have won the election after all There's nothing here, Kyle.
Anything in the basement, Jimmy? Just old junk and boxes of Eric's mom's dildos.
Well, keep looking! Oh, my goodness, what's going on? Sorry, Ms.
Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.
I've told him to respect people's property.
What did he take? He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected president.
Oh, well, no TV for him for a few days.
There's nothing here, Kyle.
Not even one Scooby clue.
Oh, my God, you guys! Look! Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship! Just what the Dickens is going on here, ha ha? Oh shit, it's him again.
What's this about a deal with the Chinese?! I own all this shit now! I own the death star, I own Tatooine, it's all mine.
Alright, fuckers.
Where are the missing ballots? Butters.
You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you, Butters? I didn't say anything! I promise.
I guess we learned that when it comes to Star Wars we can't trust anyone.
Not the president, not the Chinese.
And not you.
Please, Eric! I tried to be quiet, I swear! Shhhh, it's okay, Butters.
Nobody's going to find the election ballots.
I have them hidden away, somewhere nobody would ever look.
A place in town people barely even know exists.
Hey, guys! Lookin' to buy a Hummer today? We're having a Rocktober sales event that's goin' into Rockvember.
Hey, there! Interested in test driving a Hummer today? I can see you the Ray Bans, got that nice bicep hanging out the window rolled down.
What do you think? Rockvember sales event, guys! Every Hummer comes with a free Segway.
Hey, why don't you shut up? Just excited about these deals, that's all.
We found him, sir.
But still no sign of the missing ballots.
Go on, leave us alone.
Now listen, little boy, the reason this country works is because people go out and vote.
- Every vote counts, and - Cut the crap, Mouse.
You only care about the election results because Romney would have been tougher on the Chinese.
Why don't you just tell me where the missing ballots are? It'll make your death a lot less painful, ha, ha.
Trust me, they're somewhere nobody will ever find them.
If you kill me then Obama will stay president and you'll lose Star Wars to the Chinese forever.
Pretty neat, huh? How would you like to have one? I can get those at Kmart.
If you want me to switch sides you'll have to do better than that.
- Like what? - I want a part in the new movies.
Well, then, why didn't you just come to me in the first place? If you wanna be in the next Star Wars, I'm your guy.
I get to be Luke Skywalker's son.
And there has to be a character called Jewbacca! You can be Luke's son, you can be Han Solo's son, I don't give two shits in a ****.
Really? Well, then, I suppose that making the votes public is the right thing to do.
I can get the ballots for you.
But if I'm gonna smuggle them here, I'm gonna need a blaster and a Tonton.
Sure thing! I got a Tonton coming up my asshole.
Haha.
- Haha! - Haha! Hehe.
This is Breaking Election News! Hold that phone! The election may be over, but rumors are running rampant that hundreds of thousands of ballots for Mitt Romney were stolen.
We need everyone's help here.
What you're looking for are big boxes of ballots, hundreds of them.
Please check your basements, your attics.
And you claim that a General Tsao hired your friend Fat Ass to steal the ballots.
But so far the Chinese are refusing to speak with us.
Yeah, well, probably because General Tsao's chicken.
Is that it? Did he just did he just Yes, Chris we are getting confirmation that was the millionth time! Excitement and revelry in South Park as a little boy has just made the General Tsao's chicken joke for the one millionth time! - What? - Little boy, the General Tsao's chicken joke, a favorite for years, you've just hit the magic number how's it feel? I what? He's being presented the check now.
A five thousand dollar gift certificate to PF Chang's.
This has been a long campaign but someone's finally done it, wolf.
Well, we tried dude.
It just seems so unfair.
People won't ever even know that the wrong man is in the White House.
Well, I mean, look at it this way.
Almost half the country did actually vote for Obama.
If the election really just came down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole, then, does it matter that much? It matters, Stan.
It matters.
Come on down to Stephenson Hammer for our big Christmas in Humvember sale! Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning! Stan when's the last time you saw somebody drive a Hummer? Uh, forever ago.
Like 2010.
Oh my God.
Hey! Looking for a Hummer today? Got some 2009s here.
Never been driven ever.
Go on, get outta here.
Shoo! - Look! There they are! - Hey! Hi there! You kids like hummers, huh? Lemme show you these babies! We found it, you guys! Oh, no! They followed us! Oh hell yes! Asians! Hey guys! - Get out of our way.
- No! These don't belong to you.
They belong to the people! I am tired of playing games! This little farce is over! I don't think so, General Tsao.
This way, Officers!! Oh my God, it's a sales rush! Oh my God.
Are those what I think they are? Yes, we must show these to the public for democracy's sake! Right, Kyle? Sir, we found something.
At the Hummer sales lot outside of town.
You don't understand! We are trying to protect the greatest film series ever made! Protect it? What the hell is going on here? Perhaps I can explain it to you.
You see, it turns out the only reason the Chinese so desperately wanted Star Wars is because they're afraid that Disney might not be the right place for it.
The Chinese simply want to guard Star Wars' impeccable legacy.
Is that Morgan Freeman? And now we are at a crossroads.
If these ballots are made public then the man that people voted for will be president, but he will no doubt keep Star Wars from the Chinese and allow Disney to keep it instead.
And so we have to ask ourselves: What's more important? That the right man is elected president, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most? Unit four, what is it? Over? Well, kid? Well, if you put it that way.
Come in! Unit four, come in! What have you found? Nothing, sir.
We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all.
Barkley, out.
No! But Obama wasn't really elected.
Don't you people care?!