Family Guy s16e16 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hi, I'm Peter Griffin, and I'm here at The Museum of Television & Radio to commemorate Family Guy becoming the longest-running show in television history.
For 60 years, Sunday has meant God, football and Family Guy.
And later, to a lesser degree, The Simpsons.
Premiering in 1952 as a recurring sketch in the popular Dow Chemical Follies, Family Guy has survived 19 cancellations, two assassination attempts, and a pretty good ribbing by those South Park guys.
Well, tonight we take a look back at classic episodes from our first three decades.
Uhp, here come some tourists.
I know, I'll sit here and pretend I'm a wax figure.
Who is that? That's the fat idiot from The Family Guy.
- Ugh.
I hate that show.
- Me, too.
- (BELL RINGS) - ANNOUNCER: Raleigh Kids Cigarettes is happy to bring you Family Guy, the story of an American family named the Griffins.
- This is Peter, - (LIGHT ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING) breadwinner and head of household.
Lois is the name of his wife.
These are their children.
This is Chris, the firstborn son.
This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.
Meg.
And introducing Doodles Weaver as Brian the Dog.
We don't trust just any cigarette for our children.
Raleigh Kids is the only cigarette made for tiny hands.
It's why it's the playground favorite.
Right, kids? (LAUGHING) ANNOUNCER: And now, Raleigh Kids, also the makers of Kinder Coffee, invites you to watch Family Guy.
Dad, I overheard the fellas talking.
Can I ask you a question about girls? Of course, son.
You're a young man now.
It's natural to be curious.
Thanks, Pop.
What's "knuckle-dunk"? - (SIREN BLARES) - Uhp, atomic test.
Put on your glasses.
Never mind what your friends said.
If you want to have fun with your girl, try dancing.
It's fun and good for your health.
(EXPLOSION) (CHUCKLES) Swell, that's helpful.
So, what's going on if a guy says a girl "has a red scare in her Harry Truman"? - Fence.
- (WIND GUSTING) Oh, look, here comes the milkman.
So convenient.
TOM TUCKER: Good evening, everyone.
I'm Tom Tucker, and this is the Radio 5 news.
Our top story this evening, songsmith Elvis Presley will be appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night on that never-gonna-last fad called television.
And now a word from our sponsor: Fred Trump Apartments.
If you don't want to live with blacks, Fred Trump.
Wow, Elvis Presley! Can we get a television set? Sorry, Chris, we don't got the money.
I spent our entire savings building that stupid fallout shelter we never get to use.
(EXPLOSION) Why don't you just buy a TV for the weekend, - watch Elvis, - (MAN SCREAMING OUTSIDE) and then return it on Monday and say it doesn't work? Boy, even in the '50s, you're a scumbag.
- That's a great idea, boy! - Hang on.
Why don't I just get a job to help pay for it? What? No wife of mine is working.
There's underpants in this house that need starching.
I don't want to go to work in soft underpants like some Nancy boy; I want to go to work like this.
Stiff as a plate.
That's underpants.
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on? - Sure thing.
- (TV STATIC HISSES) ANNOUNCER: We now return to 1950s sci-fi, which is always a man in a silver suit battling a monster.
Leave us humans alone.
It's 1994, and the moon belongs to Earth.
(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING) Rawr.
(WARBLING SOUND EFFECTS) It's safe now.
How's the soil, Professor Knockers? It's good.
Good.
Good.
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker, previously of Radio 5 news.
Tonight, I bring you a special report.
Women in the workplace: hilarious or disturbing? (STILTED): I am a 1950s man speaking in a stilted manner, seemingly with no self-awareness whatsoever.
(LOUDLY): I am shouting for some reason and will now suddenly be replaced by crude graphics.
- (FILM PROJECTOR RATTLING) - (DESCENDING WHISTLE) (EXPLOSION) (STILTED): This factory has been beset by women.
Is your factory next? (DRAMATIC ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING) Lois, that's you! You took a job? Sorry, Peter.
I wanted to tell you, but you were so dead set against it.
Damn right I'm against it! If God wanted women in the workplace, he'd have made them alcoholics.
Now, you're quitting that job tomorrow.
- No, I'm not.
- Quiet.
Elvis is on.
ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Presley.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING) - Huh? - What?! Elvis Presley is white? Cleveland, did you know about this? Come on, Donna, let's pick up some gizzards and fried skins and head on down to the juke joint.
Tonight it's gonna be jumpin'! (LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) PETER: And it was jumpin'.
It really was.
But I was banished to the sidewalk because I called one of the band guys a bad name.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) I thought you were bringing the TV back.
I changed my mind.
This TV is awesome! I've been watching it all day.
You can keep your job so we can afford this thing.
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois, I had an idea.
Instead of eating in another room and talking, what if we bring the food out here and never talk again? - That's a great idea.
- Shh.
ANNOUNCER: Are you looking for the perfect breakfast meal? Try Post Raisin Bran, made with raisins, which are grapes that have been dried in the sun for a long period of time; and bran, the hard outer layers of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an integral part of whole grains.
When you eat Raisin Bran, it fills your stomach and keeps you from feeling the sensation of hunger.
"Hunger" being pangs in the belly as a result of lack of nourishment, thereby sending signals to your brain telling you, "Hey, I'm hungry.
" And when you hear Mr.
"Hey, I'm Hungry," be sure to have a hearty bowl of Post Raisin Bran.
Again, made with raisins, which are grapes that have been dried in the sun for a long period of time; and bran, the hard outer layers of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an integral part of whole grains.
(LIGHT JINGLE PLAYING) Post Raisin Bran Made with raisins, which are grapes that have been dried In the sun for a long period of time And bran The hard outer layers of cereal grain Along with germ It is an integral part of whole grains Post Raisin Bran.
Boy, these commercials go by fast.
You can barely absorb any of it.
(SIGHS) I don't know how you do it, Peter.
Can we get some Raisin Bran? Do we have any Raisin Bran in the house? Just working day after day, I'm exhausted, and I miss my family.
It's made with raisins, which are grapes that have been dried in the sun for a long period of time.
I gave my notice, and tomorrow's my last day.
So I guess we have to get rid of the TV.
By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran are at Raisin Bran practice.
- Peter, I got a surprise for you.
- Raisin Bran? A television? We can't afford this; you quit your job.
This is what we were making on the line.
The only reason I wanted to work was to make this for you.
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.
(PETER GROANS) I guess this is why women shouldn't work.
(LAUGHS) To the moon, Lois! "To the moon"? Wh-What does that mean? You know, "to-to the moon.
" Okay, you're threatening to punch me so hard I'm gonna fly to the moon? Like-like it's funny to hit me so violently my body will fly out of the atmosphere? Well, it's not funny anymore.
Hi, I'm Peter This is Lois My sons Stewie and Chris Our dog Brian, and the rest is this We live in Quahog, near the beach A wizard gave my baby the power of speech No one can hear him, but when he's away People in town can hear what he says This is Family Guy.
The dog talks, too! Good morning, family.
I'll have my regular breakfast and the newspaper, please.
Okay, here's your highball, a grapefruit, and our one weird serrated spoon.
- And Raisin Bran? - (SIGHS) Yes.
But sorry, there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.
- What? - Aw, jobs are for bozos.
Besides, I won't be around to work.
Me and my pals are going to Woodstock to smoke dope.
No, you are not! Chris Griffin, you are grounded.
Oh, I hate you! Now I'll never get to see Sha Na Na! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hello.
I just moved in down the block.
My name's Herbert, not Roy Mitchell.
So, if you see news reports about a Roy Mitchell from three towns over who was accused of all sorts of nonsense and left in a hurry, it's got nothing to do with me, because, again, I'm Herbert.
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone! He went to Woodstock.
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.
I'm not a snitch, I just tell it like it is.
Damn it, Meg! Excuse me, Peter, maybe I should handle this.
- Mr.
Brady? - You know, Meg, when you tattle on someone, you're not just telling on them, you're telling on yourself.
And by tattling on someone, you're really just telling them, "I'm a tattletale.
" Now, is that the tale you want to tell? - I never thought of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr.
Brady.
That's right.
Mike Brady.
So, if you see any news reports about an actor named Robert Reed from three towns over who was accused of all sorts of nonsense and left in a hurry, it's got nothing to do with me, because, again, I'm Mike Brady.
Chris went to Woodstock? I got to get there and bring him back before something bad happens.
Honey, I'm taking the compact; save a little on gas.
(ENGINE STARTS) Cars are bigger back now.
Oh, no, my dad! PETER (IN DISTANCE): Chris! He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide! - Chris! - Dad, what are you doing here? - I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.
I'm staying here and smoking dope.
What? No son of mine is gonna be smoking dope.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than your three martini lunch? What?! No son of mine is gonna be drinking a three martini lunch.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than your five Scotch breakfast? What?! No son of mine is gonna be drinking a five Scotch breakfast.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than your "three X's drawn on the jug" corn whiskey moonshine? What?! No son of mine drink anything but rice wine.
That's right, we trace our early family roots to Asia.
Listen, Chris, your mother and I love you.
We just want you to stay a kid a little bit longer.
- You understand? - Um, y-yeah.
I'm glad.
'Cause the thing is, Chris, drugs turn you into someone you're not.
But you know what? We love you just how you are.
That's why I'm so grateful I got here before you dropped acid or took any kind of drugs that Y-You're trippin' right now, aren't you? - A little.
- All right.
Hey, why is Pete Townshend taking pictures of you? He's been doing that all day long.
PETE TOWNSHEND: It's for a book.
I don't think it's for a book.
Okay, I'm off to do my paper route.
Wow, Peter, your plan worked to show Chris how horrible drugs are.
Quiet, Lois, I'm trying to watch TV.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: That's one small step ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.
WALTER CRONKITE: The flash now official, President Kennedy has been killed.
God, there's nothing on.
SINGERS: Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale - There we go.
- A tale of a fateful trip (SOMBER CLARINET MUSIC PLAYING) (TOY VACUUM RATTLING) Lois, why is my son playing with a vacuum like a girl? Here, play with this discus and javelin.
Then you can grow up like a man, like track and field star Bruce Jenner, the greatest man in the world.
Maybe you'll even end up on a box of Wheaties.
Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em? Chris, I see in the paper that Vietnam is still going on, and as a blue collar TV dad, I demand you enlist.
Peter, you can't send Chris to Vietnam.
They're bombing women and children.
You have no idea how bad it is over there.
I don't? Oh, I know war, my friend.
I stormed the beaches at Normandy.
(YELLING) Of course, it was 1958, so the resistance wasn't quite as stiff.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS) - No running.
I said no running! I'm not running! Chris, you are going to Vietnam and doing your duty, like Quagmire did.
As a matter of fact, his tour just ended and his transport should be getting in soon.
So let's head down to the airfield and give our soldiers the respect they deserve.
Welcome home, Quagmire! (SPITS) Oh, good to see you back safely, Glenn.
(SPITS) - Murderer! - Hey, show some respect.
Sorry.
(SPITS) Oh, I left my carry-on back on the plane.
All right, when he comes back, we got to make him feel welcome again.
(SNORTING, HAWKING) (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) Boy, the Clam sure looks different.
Yeah, just be careful with your collars on the way in.
They're kind of sharp.
("A FIFTH OF BEETHOVEN" BY WALTER MURPHY PLAYING) (PEOPLE GRUNTING) Yeah, we'll have a round of beers for the table.
Uhp, we got her, too.
It's good to have you back from the war in one piece, Quagmire.
Yeah, some of us weren't so lucky.
What are you talking about? You never went to Vietnam.
Hell I didn't! I went to the draft board and told them I was gay, and then got hit by a bus on the walk home.
(SOBBING) So, Quagmire, Chris is shipping out tomorrow morning, and he's pretty nervous.
I know you enjoy staring, like, 3,000 feet out into dead space, but you got any good stories I could tell him about how cool 'Nam is? You know, there's lots of things you expect in war Carnage, the sleepless nights But what they don't prepare you for is the incessant use of "Fortunate Son.
" ("FORTUNATE SON" BY CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL PLAYING) I'd hear that song any time I was in a helicopter.
Or taking a swift boat deep into the jungle, that song again.
My penis would even play "Fortunate Son" while I was visiting a whorehouse.
(VOLUME FLUCTUATING): It ain't me, it ain't me I ain't no millionaire's son, no Oh, Lord, that's horrible! There must have been some other song you heard.
Yeah, there was.
That "There's something happening here" song.
Hey, I just realized, your clothes kind of look like the jungle.
Shut up, Joe! You weren't there! You don't know! I'll kill you! I'll kill you! You didn't hear the songs I heard! Oh, my God, Chris ships out in the morning! I got to get him out to there.
I thought this war would be fun, you know, just go over there and fight the Donkey Kong.
We were trying to fight the war our way, the way we'd always fought wars, but we were gradually climbing steel beams and ladders, and the Donkey Kong knew that.
It was barrel after barrel.
We lost a lot of good men.
And so many quarters.
(DRUMS PLAYING MARCH) Now, listen up! When you hear your name, I want you to sound off smartly and move out.
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.
Griffin.
Chris Griffin! Yes, sir.
- I didn't think this through.
- Hey, where you going?! What's the matter with you?! I said put your duffel bag right there! (RHYTHMIC FOOTSTEPS) (TO "AQUARIUS"): Hey, guys, wait I'm not supposed to be here Stop, halt My name's not Chris, it's Peter He's late He's probably at the theater Watching a '70s movie Maybe The French Connection Or possibly Godfather II The number, not "also" Let my son die Let my son die My son, not me CHOIR: Let his son die Let his son die His son, not him Oh, whoa - Let his son die - Let him die Locked in a cage - Let his son die - Like John McCain - His son, not him - Can't raise his arms.
Well, that's all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.
And I hope the exhibits here at The Museum of Television & Radio don't come to life like Night at the Museum.
- Hey, Peter! - (SCREAMS) Don Knotts! - I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me! Andy Griffith used to beat me up.
He was a big drinker.
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.
Help! Someone! Tim Conway was sleeping with half the Apple Dumpling Gang.
You two were the only ones in the Apple Dumpling Gang! You're doing the math now, aren't you?