Family Guy s16e17 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, guys, look what I got.
It's a magic genie speaker that plays music, talks and knows stuff, all without wires.
But there's a wire.
No more from you, please.
All right, let me squinch my face up and put on a pair of glasses I never wear to look at these directions.
Boy, if they were giving out medals for tiny writing (CHUCKLES) Huh? Huh? Okay.
Now, to activate the speaker, you say its name.
Brandee.
(BEEPS) And now, you just talk at it.
Brandee, what's going on in the news? Breaking news from The Huffington Post: "Prince bred purple dolphins.
" Wasn't there a senator shot this morning? You see? Right there, this device is a perfect example of how we continue to become more inept due to our dependency upon machines.
There was a time, not too long ago, when people would talk to each other.
Yeah, the bad times, The Sucky Ages.
Our society is doomed.
People and technology are a bad match.
Just like moms and Radiohead.
Oh, no.
No, no.
This isn't music.
No, I don't like this, David.
No.
That's enough.
No, David, I don't like that.
No.
Sharon.
Hey, it's Brian Griffin.
Wondering if you were free for dinner on Saturday.
You died? Oh.
So you're dead right now? What's that like? (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE) God, why am I such a loser? BRANDEE: Possible reasons for being a loser: bad breath, arrogance, unemployment Okay, okay.
This is not helping my hangover.
The Hangover Part III available for instant download.
I never saw it.
Is it good? Searching reviews.
Top critic on Rotten Tomatoes says, "I walked out of the theater, and I'm Ed Helms.
" Okay, no download, but thanks.
Maybe you are useful.
But I bet you can't answer this question: Brandee, what is love? John Lennon said, "Love is the answer.
" He also said, "No, thanks, every hot woman, "I'll take this woman crawling out of the well from The Ring who none of my friends like.
" Yeah, I bet they were all like, "Oh, no.
" - Downloading Yoko Ono.
- Oh, no.
Downloading more Yoko Ono.
No, no.
No Ono.
Downloading all Yoko Ono.
(YOKO ONO SCREECHING) (SHOUTS) Oh, no.
I don't care for this music either, David.
Boy, you know, I haven't stayed up all night talking like that in forever.
And thanks for suggesting I buy that Fitbit.
Customers who bought Fitbit also bought "enormous exercise ball that's always in the way.
" Why not? Just put it on my card.
Oh, good, there she is.
Brandee, this is very important: what's the biggest poo anyone has ever pooed? Come on, Peter.
History's largest bowel movement occurred in 1998, at a Hardee's in Memphis, by Aretha Franklin.
Damn, I owe Chris five bucks.
Chris, you were right, it was '98! This new hat looks pretty sharp.
I bet it does.
Shall I alert you when DickCaps.
com is having another sale? Sure.
I'll get that pre-frayed visor.
(QUIETLY): I, um, I like you, Brandee.
I like you, too.
That's weird.
You're on a weird date.
Peter, what are you doing here? Pulling the popcorn bucket trick on myself.
I still can't find it.
This is humbling.
Whoa.
Welcome to Hodgepodge Lodge.
What the hell is all this crap? Oh, just stuff Bran suggested I buy.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ooh.
That might be the Every Shark Tank Item Ever Package.
- Brian Griffin? - Yes? I'm from The Apache Collection Agency.
You're way over your credit card limit.
Whoa, h-hold on, hold on! I didn't buy that, Peter bought that.
I know, but I need one.
BRANDEE: Brian, before I go, there's something I want to tell you.
What? What is it? The Grand Canyon spans 277 miles.
I'm gonna miss you, too, Brandee.
(SIGHS) Stewie, you know what? It's hard being a dog.
Maybe if you stopped feeling sorry for yourself, you could actually do something positive with your life.
Ah, forget it.
I'm just gonna lie down on the couch with my head on the armrest to accentuate how sad I am.
You know, Brian, if I had aw one day in your body, I would give it back to you with a new and improved life.
You know what my response is to that? A through-the-nose dog exhale.
(EXHALES) I realize I've wasted most of my life being a pathetic jerk.
You know, like you were at Disneyland.
Hey, kid, can you duck down for this picture? What? Why? It's our family photo.
You're kind of getting in the way.
I'm not ducking down, you duck down.
You're getting in my way.
Stop being a brat and duck down.
No way.
In fact, I'm standing.
Whoa, what's this? Brian, I present to you my Particle Interchange Transporter.
Wait, wait, wait.
So when you said "spend a day in my body," you were being literal? That's right, Brian.
This device will allow me to inhabit your body, and you, mine.
That way, I can fix your life, and then, return your body to you.
Now, the instructions gave me a couple of options.
I chose the one where my voice will be coming from your body, and vice-versa.
Still, from time to time, we will have to imitate the other person's voice to fool those who don't know what we've done, which is everyone.
Stewie, this is ridiculous.
Trust me.
What do you have to lose? Literally nothing.
Fine.
But just for the record, every device you've ever made has broken at some crucial juncture.
This one won't.
All right, you talked me into it.
Okay, here we go.
I'll see you on the other side of your eyes.
Whoa.
(LAUGHS) (BEEPING) (WHIRRING) (ELECTRICITY SURGING) (SIZZLING) STEWIE: My hand.
I mean, your hand.
It's mine.
Yes! BRIAN: Stewie, I think it worked.
We did it.
We switched bodies.
Wow, this is really weird.
It feels like hey.
What the hell have you been complaining about? I can't believe we actually switched bodies, Stewie.
And God, your head.
It's so heavy.
Yeah, you got to have a wide base.
Let the shoulders do more.
All right, all right, I think, I think I'm getting it.
Okay, I'm off to get you a job, a girlfriend, and onto the road less scummy.
So how exactly are you planning to get me a job here? It's very easy.
My research shows that every seven minutes, a professor is fired for having sex with one of his students.
I simply wait until oh, here we go.
Are there any unemployed professors here? Who haven't had sex with a student or tweeted about assassinating the president? All right, it's you.
Welcome to Poetry 101.
I'm Professor Griffin.
Please open your books to the introduction, which defines what poetry is.
Now rip it out.
STUDENT: Do we include the foreword? Yes, I suppose.
STUDENT 2: What about the preface? Yes, the preface, too.
STUDENT 3: So, not the acknowledgements? STUDENT 4: What about the frontispiece? - That's not even a thing.
- STUDENT: Yes, it is.
It's the illustration facing the title page.
Just rip everything out that's not poetry.
STUDENT 2: You wrote on the board, "Everything is poetry.
" Ignore that! STUDENT 3: He didn't know what a frontispiece was! STUDENT 2: Professor Griffin sucks! (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) Frontispiece.
(BOTH LAUGH) What's wrong, honey? Well, it's a long story, but I was really hoping to come home with a job and a girlfriend today.
I could be your girlfriend, and give you a job.
Really? This day's starting to look up.
Follow me into the men's room.
Is this is this dating? Is this how dating works? (CHUCKLES) You're cute.
I like you.
Help! She's trying to eat me! Get back here! You owe me a hundred dollars! Anton, we got a runner! You better pay my wife, bitch.
Go go, Brian dog legs! (BARKING) Hey, how'd it go fixing my life? Oh, not great.
There's nothing I can do with this body.
Also, I know this is a big inconvenience, but you and the trash guy now wave to each other.
Ah, really? It's once a week, it's not that bad.
H-He really lit up.
Oh, and you're gonna hate this, but I gave him the salute, so you're a salute guy now.
Well, is he a veteran at least? Does it matter? You're saluting the trash guy now.
All right, let's switch back.
Just a few more seconds, and we'll be back to normal.
(WHIRRING, ELECTRICITY SURGING) - PETER: Hey, Chris.
- CHRIS: Hey, four eyes.
PETER: What did you call me? CHRIS: Oh, you're deaf, too? (BOTH GRUNTING) STEWIE: Wh-What happened? BRIAN: Stewie? Is that you? Yes, Brian, it's God, that is a tight belt.
How does he live like this? Oh.
There we go.
If I'm in Chris's body, he must be in mine.
He's got to be freaking out.
CHRIS: What the hell have you been complaining about? Oh, my God, Peter! Peter? You in there? PETER: I feel really weird.
What the hell's going on? What happened to my body? He's panicking.
We can't let him know what's going on.
Don't worry, I got an idea.
Peter, everything's fine.
Just look in the mirror.
Well, here you go, about to put you in front of the mirror.
Right now.
Oh, phew, there I am.
Hi, me! Okay, everything seems normal.
Now to do my traditional "Mirror Dance.
" There's a place in France Where I do my mirror dance There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all But the women don't care 'Cause they're dancin' in their underwear.
And their bras.
Okay, that's great, Peter.
Time for your nap.
But I'm not tired! I want to go to the Clam and Thank God.
All right, just switch us all back.
Oh, my God, the machine's been damaged.
It's broken.
Swapping four bodies must've overloaded its system.
If I can't fix it, we'll be like this forever.
This is a total disaster, like when the fat man tried to keep Michael Shannon from going insane.
Meadows.
Snowflakes.
Breeze through a cornfield.
A soaring bird.
Rain on a metal roof.
Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you to fill out your time card.
Yeah, sure, I'll have it by the end of the day.
It's okay.
We'll hire new people and start again tomorrow.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to a human hand rolling a ball of clay.
- Yay! - Yay! Stewie, enough of that.
We have to fix the machine.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, God, the fat man's friends.
What's the black one's name? Cleveland.
Cleveland, right.
Cleveland! Peter, you name-remembering son of a gun.
Come on, we're heading down to the Clam.
Oh, uh, wish I could, Glenn.
Sure could go for a pomtini.
But, unfortunately, I've got to help my son Chris with his homework.
Well, if you finish early They've all switched bodies.
Let's go.
That was close.
All right, let's get upstairs and fix LOIS: Peter, come in the kitchen, I need your help.
What? Huh? I'm watching something.
Oh, God, keep him busy.
I'll make this quick.
Hey, I realized I can reach the animal crackers, so I'm actually gonna be a while.
Here, load these in the car.
Are you going away for a long time? Oh, darn it.
Darn.
Please tell me you didn't forget.
This is the weekend we're going to Dr.
Johann's retreat.
Oh, uh, of course.
Uh, remind me what that is again.
It's the couples' sex seminar where the husband learns how to give his wife an orgasm.
Wait, are you saying we have to have sex this weekend? Yup.
All weekend long.
Now that's what I call a curveball.
("CHARGE" PLAYS ON ORGAN) Commercial! Peter? Everything okay? You hardly spoke the whole car ride.
STEWIE: Uh, I-I was simply thunderstruck at the prospect of intercoursing you.
Darling.
(PHONE BEEPS) (LINE RINGING) Brian, you've got to help me.
Lois signed us up for some perverse, pee-pee-related class on the female orgasm.
She's crazed.
BRIAN: Wow.
You've got to get here with the machine so I can fix it.
Right.
So I can take your place in Peter's body.
No! Bring everybody.
We've got to get things back to normal.
And hurry, she's all revved up.
(KNOCKING ON GLASS) (WHIMPERS) 45 minutes to Weekapaug.
If we hurry, we can get there before Stewie's scarred for life.
CHRIS: Brian, it's only 10:30 a.
m.
Why does my body crave alcohol? That's perfectly normal for this time of day.
I'm sweating and shaking and planning out lies.
Yeah, well, why do I have the overwhelming urge to eat Cheetos and masturbate in the woods? Well, because it's 10:30 a.
m.
I like us learning about each other.
Okay, everyone, please put your bananas and donuts back on the table, we're done with that exercise.
Next, we'll focus on the female genitalia.
Oh, good Lord! I mean, va-va-voom! Right, other men? PETER: I'm confused as hell, but I'm enjoying these graham crackers, so I'm not gonna say anything.
What the hell was that? - I think that was on purpose.
- (TIRES SCREECH) Oh, you think I forgot about you? You owe my wife 100 bucks for a lavatory misunderstanding.
Hey, sugar.
I've never seen you before in my life.
Yeah, what are you even talking oh, Stewie.
- Aah! - Aah! Brian, we got to get out of here.
All right, let's have an inconsistently smashed windshield chase.
(YELLS) (ELECTRICITY HUMMING) (WHIRRING) (BEEPING) (POLICE SIREN CHIRPS) Joe, thank God.
We need to get to the Weekapaug Inn, fast.
Can you drive us? CONSUELA: No, no.
Oh, God, Joe's swapped bodies with Consuela.
That must mean - Everyone's swapped bodies! - The whole town swapped bodies! Damn it, I was gonna say "the whole town.
" TRICIA TAKANAWA: I'm standing here for some reason doing the weather in a giant black man's body.
What kind of a Friday is this? OLLIE WILLIAMS: Freaky! Back to you, Tom.
HERBERT: This just in, all kids report to the blue van in the park at 3:00 p.
m.
for free Popsicles.
JEROME: What the hell? Am I doing a Madea? IDA: Oh, Lord, this time I'm gonna need a chainsaw.
QUAGMIRE: Don't do it.
Don't do what I was gonna do.
- (CHITTERING) - No! No! You've perverted something beautiful! BRUCE: Oh, no! KOOL-AID MAN: Oh, yeah! FUAD: Ho-ho! Is funny 'cause different voices are coming out of different mouths.
OSTRICH: ha-ha! Wow, what a seminar.
That Dr.
Johann sure knows his stuff.
Get over here.
Ugh! Gross! I-I mean, uh (CHUCKLES) Freakin' sweet, Lois.
Uh, one moment while I Desitin my junk in the bathroom.
- Stewie? - Brian, where the hell are you? Lois just asked me if I want to see her kid's first apartment.
What does that mean, Brian? I'm so frightened and confused.
We've got much bigger problems.
We hit a telephone pole, the machine activated, and it swapped everybody in town.
- Good God.
We've got to fix this.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) LOIS: Peter, I'm gonna open the door with no hands.
(DOORKNOB RATTLING) (GAGGING) Listen to me, Brian, we've got to act quickly.
I'll walk you through the repairs.
First, open the back panel.
Okay, it's open.
All right, now you got to reverse the voltage orientation and amplify the electron flow to the motherboard.
Stewie, just say it in English or so help me God, I will hang up and make you screw your mom.
Switch the black and yellow wires! Stewie, I see the wires, but Chris's pudgy fingers won't fit inside the panel.
STEWIE: Crap.
I do this all the time.
Where's me? PETER: Hey, who installed this car seat? It's not even attached.
- (POUNDING) - One moment, dearest! Okay, just use his tiny hands to switch the black and yellow wires.
- Okay, got it.
- I helped.
STEWIE: Great.
Now we need to find an energy source powerful enough to match the electrical surge that swapped the town in the first place.
According to my GPS, you're 20 feet from the base of the Quahog cell phone tower.
BRIAN: Okay, I think I found it.
Now I need you to strap the body swapper on your back and climb to the top of the tower.
There's no time to waste.
(POUNDING) (SCREAMING) (WHIMPERS) Muncha buncha Fritos! No! Brian, hurry! Stewie, I'm in Chris's body.
I'm dragging 230 pounds of lard up a ladder.
I'm 215, you liberal dickweed! (GRUNTS) Okay, I'm at the top.
What now? STEWIE: Now you have to get struck by lightning.
Well, how do I do that? You're an atheist, offend God.
Say something you couldn't say on TV.
All right.
Hey, God.
(BLEEP) (BLEEPING CONTINUES) Not me.
You can't say that.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING) (SCREAMS) Oh, God.
No.
No! - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) - (YELLS) (LOIS MOANS) You didn't listen to a word Dr.
Johann said, did you? BRIAN: No, I did not.
I mean (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) The movie Road House.