Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s17e01 Episode Script

Can't tha put a silencer on that brush? I wish you'd fit one to your mouth! Get something on! You're not fit to be appearing in windows! Tha thinks this is bad? Tha should see the bottom half! The way you dress, half Yorkshire's seen it! Don't tha get fed up sweeping that yard? It has to be done.
Doesn't tha feel tha wants to break out? To do what? We could hitchhike across Europe.
Tha could teach the Italians how to make Yorkshire pudding.
Or we could go further - somewhere tropical.
You must be joking! You're always half naked in this climate.
I daren't think what you'd be like if it was warm! I would look irresistible, that's how I'd look.
In me summer-weight wellies and me bare chest! Oh! We could have Mussolini and chips.
# O sole mio # KNOCKING Who is it? Can I come in, Cleggy? As long as you're alone, Howard.
I am.
I'm alone.
No wives or reasonable facsimiles, eh? Come in, Howard.
I knew I could rely on you! Where are you going? I'm stopping here.
You won't let me down.
I can rely on you, Cleggy.
When you say, "Stopping here" I've left home.
Is that a cup of tea you've got on the go? I thought you were broke.
You were telling everybody you were broke.
I am broke.
I'm skint.
How can you afford to be in there?! Aw, tha wouldn't understand.
When I get a cashflow problem, I go in there for the atmosphere.
Oh! That's very Age of Aquarius.
I see.
It gives you some kind of profound, mystical experience.
It charges the batteries.
I can go in there feeling really depressed and come out feeling twice as bad.
I hate being skint.
When I said, "Come in", I didn't mean for the rest of your life! Well, you can't turn a bloke out in the street, Cleggy.
What I want to know, Howard, is where did you get the nerve after all these years to walk out on Pearl? I'm impressed! Oh, it it was surprisingly easy, really.
Easy? Walking out on Pearl? Easier than you'd think.
I don't believe it! What happened? She found what she rashly assumed to be lipstick on me collar and she threw me out.
Yeah, well, this I CAN believe.
Look, a bloke has something that looks like lipstick on his shirt, the next minute he's been thrown out! Get used to it - you're about to be thrown out again! Oh, you can't do that, Cleggy! Pearl did.
The question is Do you think she meant it? SHE packed me suitcases.
She meant it! "Goodbye," she said.
"Go! Don't bother to write.
" When she threw you out and said, "Go!", don't you think she meant further than next door? You've got to help me get back, Cleggy.
This may take some time! I mean today! Well, you soon got fed up being a free man, Howard.
Why today? Well today's baking day.
She does this steak and kidney pie.
OK, I may have fooled about a bit with other women, but I've always been there for that steak and kidney pie.
Oh, they don't make marriages like that any more! Why do you bet on horses? Cos there are no racing giraffes! I never throw my money away on horses.
Tha never throws it away on anything! It's being responsible.
It's known as being tight.
Eli! CRASH! Are you all right, Eli? Oh, I'm fine.
What were you lot doing in the middle of the road? Look, look, I don't like interfering.
You're not interfering.
Well, how come it feels like I'm interfering? Go on! (FROM INSIDE:) Go away! Ah! Ha-ha-ha! She said, "Go away!" Of course she did.
She's in a bad mood! Exactly.
But this is no time to be ringing her bell.
Please, Cleggy, try again.
Oh! I warned ya! Ring it again.
Don't let me down, Cleggy.
I'm relying on you! I warned ya, Howard! Ah! I knew it was dangerous.
Look, she wasn't mad at you.
She thought it was me! Woman empties the contents of her bucket - it all seems unreasonable.
It does to me! Look on the bright side, Howard.
Tha'll be able to see more of Marina.
I don't know what you mean! Whoo-op! Whoo-op! Why has she thrown you out, Howard? She thought she'd found lipstick on me collar.
I admit it LOOKED like lipstick.
I could understand anybody thinking it might BE lipstick.
What was it? Lipstick.
II don't know how it got there! Is that what you told her? Yes.
Well, no wonder she threw you out.
You'll have to think of a better story than that.
Such as what? I'll think of something.
It's your story.
YOU can tell her.
I'm not going near the place.
Just leave it with me, Howard.
You're looking at a man who learnt the arts of deception behind enemy lines! Couldn't somebody give me a hand with these suitcases? We'll do all we can to help, Howard.
Except for carrying the suitcases.
Thanks(!) Great to be free, eh, Howard? It's great to be dry! I thought you were going to come up with some clever excuse to get me back home.
I thought you were going to invent some smart story about that lipstick.
I am.
I am.
Just leave it with me, Howard.
The thing to do is to give Pearl a little time to simmer down.
About five years! You just stay here for a while, Howard.
Let her get used to you being absent.
Well, let her start missing you.
She didn't miss me! She got me dead on! Now, I want you to stay here and when we've sorted things out, we'll come back and fetch you.
Well, how long? Why here? Leave it with me.
You stay here and practise looking happy to be free.
Tha'll have to do better than that, Howard.
I'm trying, I'm trying! Where are you going? Relax, Howard.
We'll be back.
Can't I wait in Cleggy's? No! My place is haunted.
There's this terrifying figure with a hatchet! Who?! Me! You poke so much as your nose in! Well, I've done my bit for today.
I've got wet through for charity.
So don't get me involved in your plans.
That goes for me too.
Thank you both, but I don't need you.
No, I shall play on Pearl's sympathy.
I shall tell her we've just seen Howard looking pathetic.
I shall paint a very sad picture.
It gets the ladies every time.
I wonder if that's why they always go for me(?) I'm not going near Pearl's door - it leaks.
I'll do it.
She's not likely to mistake someone my size for Howard.
Maybe a camel.
I hate washing my hair midweek.
You feel your manhood is in question.
If tha's gonna knock on Pearl's door, the best of British luck! It's not a matter of luck.
It's down to planning.
Generalship.
He may be a twit, but tha's gotta admit he has a go.
They only have that foolhardiness if they've never been married.
It's all right bragging about killing Japs, but did he ever have to sleep with them? Well, he never said.
RINGING Foggy! Foggy, psst! Psst! Foggy! I can't see a damn thing! She's probably on her bed weeping.
I expect she's missing him by now.
Well, you know what women are.
They haven't got our icy self-control.
I'll unlock the door.
Unless you're planning on squeezing through the keyhole(!) Just what you need when you get home.
Six foot of tomfool attached to your keyhole! Oh, look at him! That's it! That's the picture we want! That's how we play on her sympathy.
Look at him.
Who could resist it? I could resist it.
Me too.
Yes, but you see, you haven't got this soft, feminine nature.
I'd like to emphasise that! Me too! I mean, just look at him! See, he looks so lost.
We should get Pearl out here.
Catch a glimpse of him.
It'll all be over.
They'll embrace each other.
We'll have a happy ending.
Pearl?! Yeah.
I don't believe it even had a happy beginning! That's just on the surface.
Underneath, there are all these softer emotions flowing.
She'll miss him for the windows.
How are you going to get Pearl out here? Well, we'll think of something.
It's known as planning.
If you're messing with Pearl, it's known as reckless! I've seen her scare gypsies.
I've seen her with Jehovah's witnesses getting the Watchtower for free! She told the police she'd lost some valuable china.
When did she have valuable china? She said it was a gift from a gentleman friend.
Did his wife know? How did the thief get in? He was pretending to be selling things.
And she let him in?! I blame force of habit.
She's let some strange ones in before now! Speak of the devil! Think.
Why has it always got to be me that comes up with all the ideas? I've got an idea.
About time, too.
What is it? I think I'll talk to Nora.
Oh, my little Yorkshire pudding! Get off! Come here.
Stop bothering the ladies! That's no bother.
That's romance.
NORA: What?! Romance! It's like tangling with a JCB.
Hey up, I might be rough on the surface.
There's no might about it.
But underneath, I am as smooth as Julio Iglioarsis.
Julio Iglioarsis! Ho, ho, that really is smooth(!) You should keep him under control.
I'LL keep him under control.
Erthree of your delicious teas, please, Ivy.
And none of your flannel, either! Sit down! I'll bring them over! I'm disappointed in you.
I ask you to come up with a simple plan, and nothing.
Hey up, what about thee? Tha's not got an idea either.
That's where you're wrong.
I've had one all the time.
I was just giving you the chance.
He's full of it! I vote we leave Howard homeless in the park.
I could get used to Howard being in the park.
All right, big Phyllis.
What is this GREAT plan? Well, you're wondering how we're going to get Pearl to see Howard in the park, aren't you? Well, we're going to write her a note.
We're going to play on her curiosity.
"Urgent.
"Meet me in the park "at 15.
45.
"Important information "Signed, a friend.
" And tha reckon that's going to fetch her into the park? I guarantee it.
They can't resist once their curiosity's been tickled.
No wonder he's still unwed if that's all he's been tickling! If you ask me, that's tickling enough for anybody.
Tha was never a great lover, was tha, Norm? Well I got this Meccano set.
Yes, but how do we deliver that note? We sneak it through her door.
Hang on.
I've forgotten summat.
What's he forgotten? He wasn't carrying anything.
SCREAMING Oh, it breaks your heart! It doesn't break mine.
I like him in the park.
We could come out occasionally and feed him like we do the ducks.
I bet you could.
He looks a lot like a duck! About time! How long am I supposed to wait here? Till 15.
45.
Why 15.
45? Don't argue, you're in the army well, nearly.
Justjust leave it with me.
You're in good hands.
It's boring sitting here.
Quack, quack, Howard! Quack, quack, Howard! Be here! What are we doing HERE? We need a small gift to go with Pearl's note.
To arouse her curiosity still further.
You know, sometimes I frighten myself.
I'm so diabolical.
Who's paying for it? Howard is.
It is for his benefit.
That's all right, then.
I'm not going inside.
I'm allergic to overspending.
Well, you can stay out here.
We shan't be a moment.
We just want something small and attractive.
Sometimes you think that Foggy is all weasel words and then he does something REALLY brave.
How long have you thrown him out for? Forever! You have to be firm.
I packed his suitcases.
Both of 'em.
I mean, one's not going to last forever.
Forever's the only way, especially if they haven't got a watch! If you throw them out, it's got to be forever.
Anyway, they're usually back by teatime.
It's awful to throw your husband out! They need the exercise.
I used to throw mine out forever regularly.
The first time I threw my Wally out forever, he was away for three hours.
He had me ringing the police and the hospitals.
I nearly killed him when he came back! That's the trouble with throwing them out.
They take advantage of it! I'd never throw my Barry out.
You're going to have to learn.
When the time comes, don't come running to me.
I've enough on - throwing your father out.
I never knew you did that.
Why did you throw him out? Drink your coffee! It does them no harm.
I always think regular exercise is beneficial.
They get under your feet if you don't throw them out occasionally.
I mean it.
He took two suitcases.
- Who packed them? - I did.
They're no good at packing.
A small, personal gift for a lady.
Aa small personal, INEXPENSIVE gift for a lady.
Oh, here we go again! I don't know why I'm always preyed on by bargain hunters.
It says in your window, "A thousand bargains inside.
" That's a thousand bargains for me.
Not any idiot that comes in here.
An old lady has a living to make.
Right! Something personal for a lady.
Yes, well, I wasn't really thinking of a hat and umbrella stand.
Oh, it's perfect to a lady.
And I've thrown you the bonnet in for nothing.
Yes, adds a touch of elegance to any home.
And your lady friend will be over the moon.
It's not MY lady friend.
Then why are you desperate to save money? It's the way he is.
Mmm.
And I could fix you up with a new outfit.
Very reasonable.
I can't afford very reasonable.
Ye gods, it's a terrible area for scraping up a living! Yes, well, actually, you know, I think we got quite a bargain.
I bet Howard won't think so when he has to pay for it! Oh, stop giggling, Clegg.
Give him a hand! Do you think this will really influence Pearl? A note pinned to a combined hat rack and umbrella stand? She'll find it intriguing.
She'll think somebody's crackers.
He IS crackers! STREET CROSSING BLEEPS I thought she didn't look very well on the pavement! It's not working! I told thee it wouldn't work.
We'll just have to think of something else.
It's not been a total dead loss.
She's got a hat rack(!) It is working.
She's heading for the park! Howard! Marina! I must say it gives you a pleasant feeling to know you've been able to reunite a married couple.
Does tha think he wants reuniting with Pearl? Of course he does.
You saw how lost he looked.
He always looks lost.
That's true.
Whoops! Oh, heck! Ah, Pearl! I expect you're looking for Howard, aren't you? I said to my chaps, "There's Pearl.
I bet she's looking for Howard.
" Where is he? Ah, I was right, you see.
You ARE looking for Howard.
I had a note.
Writing to you already, is he? You've got a number one fan there! I'm not saying I know this young lady, but she was with ME.
I wouldn't recommend that at the moment! Here, get hold of that! I wouldn't know where to start! Well, I always think this is as good a way as any.
Ah! Ah! Stand aside.
There's a young lady being attacked in these bushes! You daft prat! Will you listen to me?! SPLASHING Why are you strangling Mr Simmonite? I'm just clearing his air passages, love.
Having saved him from drowning.
You saved him from drowning? I saw it with my own eyes.
The chap deserves a medal.
It was nothing, really.
Don't overdo it, Howard! Otherwise tha could get tha medals bent! You better come home.
Get yourself dried out.
Last thing we want's any more of you to shrink!